Raphael

23 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:04 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning (did that before going to bed) ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed I'm currently doing some serious system changes.

I express them like on this video below: I feel them, I let myself cry, express my rage, express my happiness, etc. I observe them, I notice the beliefs connected to them, I notice my environmental influence, the influence of the information that I consume. I also express them through journaling.

Thank you. I definitely have to be kinder, more accepting, and more loving towards myself.

Makes sense. I have been quite a lot in my feminine in the past two years because I had to heal (and I still continue to do that). I definitely don't have bipolar disorder because it's not extreme, but it's rather some self-perception switch. I also often time feel a discrepancy because people around me tell me that I'm doing great where I feel that I didn't accomplish that much in life and lack some "normalcy" and basic things. There's a part of me that feels a bit empty (bad) because of that where another part is strategizing for the long term (good).

My self-esteem is improving, my confidence is improving, my assertiveness is improving, my discipline is improving, my organization is improving, my openness is improving. It feels like my entire system is rebooting and getting back to its peak.

I just had a quick conversation with my mom that disturbed me. I asked the question: "Mom, do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?". It went like this: Me: "Do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?" My mom: "Well... yes, well.. it depends, you don't smile a lot. You are a bit closed like your dad." Me: "What do you mean?" My mom: "Well... for example in my case I am an agreeable person, I do things for others. When I'm doing something and some people interrupt me and ask me to do something for them, I do it. This is what is it means to be agreeable." Me: "What???" My mom: "..." Me: "Well... Ok. This is Ok to do things for others, but sometimes this is too much. We cannot let others interrupt us all the time because otherwise we cannot do our own things and cannot move forward in life" My mom: "Hum... Yes, sometimes we need to have time to do our own thing." When the discussion ended, I noticed some tears in her eyes and a bit of sadness in her voice. I triggered something in her. I realized that my mom was a complete people pleaser without any boundaries which explains why she stayed with my dad for more than 25 years even though my dad was often emotionally abusive towards her (and it also explains why I struggled with similar issues in my life). She has been afraid her entire life of being seen as bad, of being seen as an uncaring woman and because of that she stayed with a toxic man who ruined her life. She lack enormous self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness. The relationship of my parents always blow me away because of how radically oppositional they are: My mom is a tiny skinny very feminine women where my dad is a tall, hypermasculine, strong, muscular, dominant man. My mom is a very agreeable and caring person where my dad is a very aggressive non-caring man who don't hesitate to confront anyone and/or verbally insults people. My mom is tolerant and accepting, my dad has zero tolerance. My mom is slow, my dad is impulsive. My mom is organized, my dad has zero organization I think that their relationship explain why I got so much disrespected while growing up. I was kind but at the same time unkind. I was agreeable but at the same time confrontational. I have been organized, but I also have been a complete mess. My psyche is sliced in two parts that are very oppositional and reuniting them together, making them work together is challenging.

22 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:56 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:13 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed

Dropping This Journal The issue with this journal is that it is too random and unfocused. Because of that, I'm not on track enough and it explains my stagnation. They are many different facets to my personality and one of them is a hyper-analytical side. I don't display this hyper-analytical side on this forum most of the time, however, it does exist. I have been highly shamed for this hyper-analytical side in the past especially when I was around 20 - 22 where I over-used it and became too much perfectionist, after that, I switched to the polar opposite and become a complete mess. At a moment, this hyper-analytical side went too much to the extreme where it almost caused me a panic attack. However, this facet of my personality does exist and when it is activated it has the ability to very quickly and very effectively tackle any possible issue within my scope of realization. I currently have a 1 hour journaling session (on paper) / do nothing habit before going to bed. My mind is often very chaotic so the thoughts that I have most of the time in my days are quite random and very creative. When I journal these thoughts are often random too but I can use this journaling session proactively. I want to spend more time to properly self-reflect about where I am in life, what I am doing, if I'm doing things properly, and if I'm on track and I can use this journaling session for that. Instead of writing random thoughts, I can write a list of points that I want to reflect on and then reflect deeply. That way my mind will be much more on track which will help my thoughts to mature, which will help to generate results, grow, and gain wisdom and maturity faster. It will seem like work at first because of the chaotic nature of my mind and the fact that I consume too much random information, but after a point, it will be part of my psyche and become much more natural and effortless. It will be that way because I will have forced my mind to be more specific, in consequence, the thoughts will be more focused. It's possible to enlarge or reduce the scope of the mind: sometimes the scope has to be broad to gather a lot of information in order to make connections and see the big picture, sometimes it has to be focused in order to make things happen. My scope has been pretty broad for the past 2 years and thanks to that I now see the big picture, so now I have to reduce the scope, accept less information to attain my objectives. By journaling deeply and being healthily analytical I'll solidify my subconscious mind and therefore easily manifest what I want. The last time that I had an intuition about dropping a journal I took months before doing it. I now know that when I have intuitions like this it will naturally happen at a point, so I'm going to act on it. I'll drop this journal soon and create a new journal where I'll have more self-reflective analytical thoughts that will allow me to program my subconscious mind, evolve faster, and manifest faster.

There's a serious issue in keeping a journal like this one.

Clear your traumas, experience all the emotions that comes from that and express them: scream, punch, cry, run like a kid, breath, let your body express itself. You'll see that your addictions will naturally disappear. I used to bite my nails a lot but after clearing some traumas I don't even do that anymore.

I really want to fix this once and for all this time cause otherwise I'll always experience some mood swings and have backslashes. If I cannot find an easily accessible quality therapist, I'll fix that myself.

I went to at least 3 therapists in my life: The first one was when I was 14. My main teacher asked me to see a therapist because she saw that I was always alone and was avoiding others. I went to the therapist, however it wasn't that much useful because I was unable to open up emotionally. The second one was when I was around 18 - 19 and it was really weird. I didn't felt comfortable and had a lot of issues opening up. She was always asking me the same simple questions, they were a lot of blanks. I thought that she would make me emotionally comfortable by talking to me more, reassuring me, but it didn't happen. The third therapist was when I was around 21 - 23 and it was pretty dissatisfying. She wasn't listening to me that much and was always asking the same questions even though I already answered them multiple times. She was quite closed-minded and even told me "You know some people don't even believe in God."

The base is me.

Fix the base.

The main problem that caused me to emotionally close off for the past 4 years has been my environment. I became very emotionally open when I was around 19 - 20, then had a spectacular backslash that dragged me down into hell. It retarded my growth. I would have been much more develop, mature, and wise if I didn't got into these environments. However, at the same time, I wouldn't have the understanding that I now have without these terrible environments...

Open up Raphael, open up.

I have been emotionally dumb most of my life. Opening up, sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles has always been the most difficult thing for me.

@Raphael Honor yourself, do what's best for you.

The Puzzle Is Assembling Everything is currently getting together in my life at the same time. The pieces of the puzzle are assembling and I can see it happening.

Even though this opportunity is great, my interest in tech has been getting down and getting down since the past 5 years. Tech isn't what interest me the most but I need it in some way to get to my life purpose. What really interest me the most is interconnecting the globe, understanding how everything interconnects together: countries, cultures, ecosystems, technology, politics, science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, etc.

@EternalForest Thanks

I'm currently improving my organization system. I would like to get more insights here so I have a few questions: How do you find time between a full-time job and personal development? How do you organize your weeks between work and thinking/strategizing/doing personal development? What tools do you use? How do you track yourself? How do you plan, strategize, and prioritize? Do you have any good resources for setting up a system for personal development? If you have more insights, I'll appreciate them.

21 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:30 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:18 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed I currently feel seriously retarded. I feel like wasted so much time, I feel like I wasted my entire life.

Making the Good Choice Between Two Good Choices I recently got two really good part-time offers from two different people. The offers have identical conditions: I will work in a company 3 days per week and will be earning more money than I was earning when I was working 35+ hours per week in a company two years ago. Here are the specificities of the offers: Offer 1: This offer is from someone who found me on the internet, he notably saw my profile on Upwork which gave him some reassurance. What he liked about my profile aside from the fact that I have the technical skills that he needs is that I am a bi-national person who speaks perfect French. Because of that I can do some presentations and have clear communication with the rest of the team in France. The project is related to Green energy and is the propriety of a big French energy company. I asked him if I would have the opportunity to learn more about Green energy aside from just doing some technical work on the app because that's what attracted me to this offer. He responded yes and told me that he learned stuff on wind turbines and solar power while doing his job. Aside from that, I didn't find anything particular about the application, it was a typical ugly management software like I worked on in the past. Offer 2: This one is from a childhood friend, I know him since I was at least 6 years old... and he is a very successful and highly inspiring person. He went to some of the best universities on the planet. He studied in Paris and also had an opportunity to study in the US where he spent some time at Standford. He also had the opportunity to go to Silicon Valley, meet inspiring people there and I suppose meet with some tech giants too. He was supposed to continue in the US, but Covid changed his plans... Anyway, now he is here and he has his own small tech startup with two part-time employees, and he has contracts with powerful organizations in the country including the government and the national airline. His vision is to create a big tech company that will produce SAAS apps of the same caliber that are produced in Silicon Valley contrary to other local companies that are offshore companies. A company like this can generate significant amount of money that can be invested to boost the development of the country and this is one of his objectives. What's funny about his vision is that I had a very similar vision ~5 years ago, but my vision has changed a lot since that. He will be the one that will implement this vision where my vision is broader and will integrate his vision. I'm currently putting him at advanced stage Orange/Green, he might even have a few Yellow traits but I highly doubt that he knows about the crazy stuff that we talk about on this forum. From what I saw so far, he probably still lives in the materialistic paradigm and believes in science and rationality but as long as it's healthy I consider that it's fine. I thought about introducing him to actualized.org but I won't because it would cause him an existential crisis that would make his success collapse and he is (like me) in a phase of life where we both need success. What's great with this friend is that we highly resonate together, we have similar thought processes, and similar ideas in domains where we relate. After I got the two offers, I had to make a choice and this choice has been pretty quick. Considering the fact that I can get quick and easy access to the knowledge and methodology that is used by some of the most innovative companies on the planet and on top of that I can: Spend time with an inspiring person that I know since I was a kid and that I genuinely appreciate. Meet new people that I can resonate with. Build a social circle. Have the opportunity to meet more inspiring people. Get a good pay while at the same time having time to work on my project. Get help in my work and help in my life. Become much more professional in business and learn how to generate a significant amount of money to get completely financially independent and fuel my life purpose. ... I'm taking the opportunity to get back in touch with this friend and build a deeper relationship with him. If there is one relationship and one person who can help me be on track in life and achieve my dreams, it's this one. Now... all of this is great but I still need to continue the healing and deconditioning/reconditioning work that I'm doing so that I don't have a backslash and don't get dragged back into hell as it happened previously. Doing this healing work is one of the most critical things to continue doing. A lot of things are currently changing in my life and this is incredible.

I can't completely imagine how you feel at this moment, but you have my support. I resonate with your feelings of feeling inadequate and of feeling fake. My dad also told me enormously that I was weak, dumb, and won't go anywhere in life. The pain comes and goes, come and goes, until it finally goes. Even though this moment might be difficult for you, I know you'll go through it and get better. You have my support.