Raphael

I don't have any specific jobs, but here are some domains Renewable energy Electric cars Electric planes Environmental related work Education Psychology Philosophy Agriculture Politics Etc. It's possible to do stage yellow work in many domains as long as you are enough stage yellow and know how to relate with lower stages

I want to be an entrepreneur, but at the same time I'm stressed about it, and my last attempt has been terrible, see this. I'm currently trying to start as a freelancer and I successfully get my first client and did the job, however, since last week I'm not able to get any client and this is stressing me. I watched a video yesterday on freelancing, the guy said it was hard at first and that they are many people from poor countries who are very competitive and offer cheap services, then, I quickly entered into a storm of negative thoughts and had trouble to sleep at night. Another thing I want to mention is that I had a very poor experience with an entrepreneur/boss in the past, where I was humiliated by him and some colleagues. I also had a poor experience with managers at work. How to deal with this?

@John Lula @Nahm @JustThinkingAloud Thank you for your messages, I appreciate. I'm less stress compared to last time, but still discouraged as I'm not able to find clients nor tasks that fit with my competencies right now

MY HARDEST ADDICTIONS Internet browsing New information Youtube Porn As Leo said they all boils down to my fear of the void. However, they are not equals. I initially thought about putting them all into the same basket, but they are differences. I'm thinking mostly about porn addiction, this is much harder for me than the other addictions. I have a lot of trouble to avoid it when going back home, even though I succeeded sometimes. Another thing I noted is that not only I'm using these addictions to fill myself, but I'm also using them to release dirty emotions trapped in my whole body. If I were empty from negative emotions I wouldn't have to do so as it would not be in my body. I'm sure I also have subtle addictions, but for the moment I'm only noticing the hard ones.

A NATIONALITY/SOCIAL GROUP IS MUCH MORE THAN SOME PAPERS OR IDEAS I went back to my native country after spending two years in France and four months in the UK. Back then I felt very different from other people as I not only adopted some different habits but I also developt different ideas, reactions, and body language movements. For the first year, most people actually thought I was from France, but after one year most of them see me as a native person again. Main lesson: Nationalities/Social groups are highly complex as they shape people ideas, reactions, anxieties, limitations, body language, how they breathe, their level of consciousness, etc. The entire body and ability to deal with the world is shaped by it. It's extremely deep, far deeper than I ever expected.

NEEDINESS Nothing happens when being needy, the more I'm needy, the more I distance myself from the things I want. The more conscious I am, the closer I am from what I want.

MY JOB IS KILLING ME I need to get out as soon as possible. I learned a lot about ego and low conscious behavior, but it's getting too toxic. I cannot even share my opinion without getting judged by people higher in the hierarchy or being accused of defying them. All theses ego and clashes are making me sick, it's time to move.

@Leo Gura We're waiting for you

MY STAGE ORANGE EGO IS REALLY STRONG SOMETIMES I often feel like I'm smarter than most people and I convinced myself many times in the past that I was right. I just had an experience where I had this feeling but in the end, I was wrong. I feel angry in these moments of egoic convictions, then I realize how dumb I am to act like this. This is toxic stage orange and it doesn't feel good. Hopefully, I'm aware of it, it's the first step through change. Main lesson: It's very difficult to really know if I'm right. I need the maximum possible informations, enough exchange with other people before assuming something, and more humility. Sub lesson 1: When ego is involved I don't feel good. Sub lesson 2: Not knowing/Not being egotistical right feel better than the opposite

@bejapuskas I was finally wrong

@bejapuskas

@Apparation of Jack I'm actually very honest with myself on my vulnerabilities. Some of the things I mentioned are not as bad as they seem, for example, "I think I'm smarter and superior to other people" and "I always want to be right". That's because most of the time before saying something I try to see the problem from many different angles and I usually take a lot of time before coming with an answer as I analyze everything first, where most people don't do it. I just had an experience recently at work where I took more than 2 hours on a problem before giving an answer and another guy didn't even take the time to think through it and just assume he's right. So in the end, I'm actually right most of the time and of course, I can turn this statement into an egoic behavior, which is dangerous.

Sadhguru actually does this many times for fun, but also to help raise consciousness. He's empathic when doing it, where low conscious extroverts are anxious. I agree with this, and yes it probably happens more with extroverts, because this is how extroverts display low consciousness, but it can also happen with introverts. I'm saying this because I'm an introvert myself (more specifically an INTP) and I have been needy in the past, and confrontative, and I humiliated some people by using the argument that I was way more smarter and developt than them. They were mostly extroverts because my low conscious introversion was reacting against their low conscious extroversion. I'm currently following someone on Youtube who used to go party late at night, get drunk, do some drugs, sleep only a few hours and then go to work in a chicken coop. This person is now a successful online entrepreneur and thinks of itself as an introvert, his videos are very interesting, and I highly resonate with his ideas and energy. I also met dumb introvert and smart extrovert in the past. I had extroverted friends who went party, got drunk, and smoke some weed, but at the same time, they were much more open-minded than most people. I enjoyed sharing ideas with them. So things are more complicated than in appearance... Many times introverts show low consciousness in other ways by playing video games, watching dumb TV shows, youtube... Low conscious people do low conscious stuff, they just appear in different ways, so it can be directed outside or be done alone.

PURE LAZINESS I have been very lazy yesterday and also a lot today where I have a client waiting for some work. It seems like my brain and body need its a dosage of pure laziness. In these moments I usually spend many times on the internet, watching youtube videos with low values, making a lot of research without reading completely what I find, going very quickly into a lot of diverse content, watching porn, masturbating, etc. I'm not focused in these moments and I usually don't remember most of the things I see. It happens too many times at work and on the weekend, and this is really killing many of my results, and this needs to be fixed. I URGENTLY NEED TO IMPROVE MY WORK ETHIC.

MY PSYCHOLOGIST HAVE A BAD PSYCHOLOGY I've been seeing a psychologist for more than one year now and I can see some bad patterns with her. She's probably much more open-minded than the average person, but she has some limitations. Many times when I mentioned new possibilities for myself she pointed out negative stuff and possible risks at first. It seems that she thinks she understands more stuff than most people, which is probably true, but at the same time, her ego can corrupt her judgment. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to analyze her behavior. Main lesson: having a professional degree doesn't imply that someone is a real professional. Discernment and questioning have to continue, especially with people who consider themselves as being better than most people.

I'm avoiding my family

I think I'm smarter and superior to other people I always want to be right My relationships are terrible I'm uncomfortable with women I'm still a virgin

STARTING AS A FREELANCE WEB DEVELOPER I just got my first client pretty recently, I was mostly focused on that and I didn't write here for a few days. Starting something new is never easy, and starting something new which is directly linked to financial independence and survival is stressful. I was a little anxious when starting the job. I had many doubts on my competencies and I didn't felt ready enough. However, I'm actually progressing at a satisfying rhythm and I'm able to respect the deadlines. But my mind doesn't want to calm down. Sleep has been terrible this week. Even if things are going well for the moment my brain is disturbed and DOESN'T WANT TO SHUT UP

Things are complicated ... This thread seems like mixing many things together: introversion, extroversion, shyness, social anxiety, loneliness, neediness, low consciousness, high consciousness... By the way, I don't think Sadhguru or Joe Rogan have low psychological development. I will maybe go back to this thread later this week, I have a lot of things in my mind right now.

PERSPECTIVES CAN VARY A LOT One day a coworker told me that he thought I was older than him (he is 24), another day, a guy at the gym though I was still in high school. He told me I looked really young, maybe like 16 and that he was really impressed that I looked so young at my age. Main lesson: reality is highly subjective and people see things in many different ways.

LOVE YOURSELF Life is great right now. Nothing has really changed externally, but many things happened internally. I remember how miserable I was last year, I hated so much the world and my dad that I started having panic attacks. Panic attacks alone at midnight in a small apartment is not a funny thing. It didn't happen once, but more than a dozen times. It was the signal that I was going too far, and that if I would continue to live with so much hate I will be dead soon. At the end of last year, my mind and body reversed smoothly, and I started to love myself. In fact, the opposite happened, I loved myself so much that I had moments of pure ecstasy, where it was difficult to control. I was completely blown away by life, my own existence, and the fact that I exist. I saw common and insignificant things such as objects or dirt as miraculous. It was one of the best moments of my life. Main lesson: Love yourself or die.

YOU CAN GROW FROM LOWER STAGES If you are stage orange/green and you are this kind of idealist person who thinks everyone is equal and that we should all treat each other respectfully, then, there are still many chances that your not embodying these ideas and lack to understand all the complexities and nuances of interacting with lower stages. This was me more than one year before, I thought I was smart, but in reality, I was quite dogmatic. Working in a mostly stage blue and also very briefly red environment has helped me a lot to understand myself and people. Even if it was difficult at the moment, doing it has pushed me into stage yellow. It's funny that something I used to hate so much helped me grow. If you can have an experience like this, do it. You will grow a lot from it.

Attachment and homeostasis, it was too many changes that my ego could handle in such a short time. And also some insecurities, my dad is stage red/orange, he passed me many insecurities and I also got criticized a lot when I was growing up. I also had a job opportunity in Mauritius, so I did this choice maybe because I wasn't feeling worthy enough to continue in France. Which is funny because I was doing better than most students. Also, French people complain so much that it seems France is the shit hole of the world where it's far better than most countries. I heard many of them saying that they wanted to quit France. Another thing I want to mention is that the country where I'm living is actually pretty well developed. It's probably like Europe, but 50-70 years before with less high-quality infrastructure and a little more disorganized. As usual young people are more open-minded (less than in Europe however) and speaking to people who are above 35-40 is like speaking to people in their 70s and even more in Europe. Many social interactions are frustrating. But I grew a lot by immersing myself in a stage blue environment. I met interesting people. I'm much more yellow than before where I was more orange, I'm also much more compassionate, less reactive, and I understand many things that would be have been impossible otherwise.

I'm too much distracted right now, I need to turn my focus on my freelance business and send more proposals to some jobs. Let's refocus.

I'M REACTIVE AGAINST STAGE BLUE I'm distracting myself right now by ranting on stage blue. Even if I'm overall happier and I learned a lot about acceptance since the last ten months, I'm still having difficulties to deal with stage blue. I can get sometimes outraged by its stupidity. This needs to change and be turned into compassion and acceptance. Maybe experiencing even more stage blue would be the solution... I have to stay careful that my ego doesn't pervert this journal by mindlessly ranting on stage blue or other things I don't like.