Raphael

PURE LAZINESS I have been very lazy yesterday and also a lot today where I have a client waiting for some work. It seems like my brain and body need its a dosage of pure laziness. In these moments I usually spend many times on the internet, watching youtube videos with low values, making a lot of research without reading completely what I find, going very quickly into a lot of diverse content, watching porn, masturbating, etc. I'm not focused in these moments and I usually don't remember most of the things I see. It happens too many times at work and on the weekend, and this is really killing many of my results, and this needs to be fixed. I URGENTLY NEED TO IMPROVE MY WORK ETHIC.

MY PSYCHOLOGIST HAVE A BAD PSYCHOLOGY I've been seeing a psychologist for more than one year now and I can see some bad patterns with her. She's probably much more open-minded than the average person, but she has some limitations. Many times when I mentioned new possibilities for myself she pointed out negative stuff and possible risks at first. It seems that she thinks she understands more stuff than most people, which is probably true, but at the same time, her ego can corrupt her judgment. Nevertheless, it's still interesting to analyze her behavior. Main lesson: having a professional degree doesn't imply that someone is a real professional. Discernment and questioning have to continue, especially with people who consider themselves as being better than most people.

I'm avoiding my family

I think I'm smarter and superior to other people I always want to be right My relationships are terrible I'm uncomfortable with women I'm still a virgin

STARTING AS A FREELANCE WEB DEVELOPER I just got my first client pretty recently, I was mostly focused on that and I didn't write here for a few days. Starting something new is never easy, and starting something new which is directly linked to financial independence and survival is stressful. I was a little anxious when starting the job. I had many doubts on my competencies and I didn't felt ready enough. However, I'm actually progressing at a satisfying rhythm and I'm able to respect the deadlines. But my mind doesn't want to calm down. Sleep has been terrible this week. Even if things are going well for the moment my brain is disturbed and DOESN'T WANT TO SHUT UP

Things are complicated ... This thread seems like mixing many things together: introversion, extroversion, shyness, social anxiety, loneliness, neediness, low consciousness, high consciousness... By the way, I don't think Sadhguru or Joe Rogan have low psychological development. I will maybe go back to this thread later this week, I have a lot of things in my mind right now.

PERSPECTIVES CAN VARY A LOT One day a coworker told me that he thought I was older than him (he is 24), another day, a guy at the gym though I was still in high school. He told me I looked really young, maybe like 16 and that he was really impressed that I looked so young at my age. Main lesson: reality is highly subjective and people see things in many different ways.

LOVE YOURSELF Life is great right now. Nothing has really changed externally, but many things happened internally. I remember how miserable I was last year, I hated so much the world and my dad that I started having panic attacks. Panic attacks alone at midnight in a small apartment is not a funny thing. It didn't happen once, but more than a dozen times. It was the signal that I was going too far, and that if I would continue to live with so much hate I will be dead soon. At the end of last year, my mind and body reversed smoothly, and I started to love myself. In fact, the opposite happened, I loved myself so much that I had moments of pure ecstasy, where it was difficult to control. I was completely blown away by life, my own existence, and the fact that I exist. I saw common and insignificant things such as objects or dirt as miraculous. It was one of the best moments of my life. Main lesson: Love yourself or die.

YOU CAN GROW FROM LOWER STAGES If you are stage orange/green and you are this kind of idealist person who thinks everyone is equal and that we should all treat each other respectfully, then, there are still many chances that your not embodying these ideas and lack to understand all the complexities and nuances of interacting with lower stages. This was me more than one year before, I thought I was smart, but in reality, I was quite dogmatic. Working in a mostly stage blue and also very briefly red environment has helped me a lot to understand myself and people. Even if it was difficult at the moment, doing it has pushed me into stage yellow. It's funny that something I used to hate so much helped me grow. If you can have an experience like this, do it. You will grow a lot from it.

Attachment and homeostasis, it was too many changes that my ego could handle in such a short time. And also some insecurities, my dad is stage red/orange, he passed me many insecurities and I also got criticized a lot when I was growing up. I also had a job opportunity in Mauritius, so I did this choice maybe because I wasn't feeling worthy enough to continue in France. Which is funny because I was doing better than most students. Also, French people complain so much that it seems France is the shit hole of the world where it's far better than most countries. I heard many of them saying that they wanted to quit France. Another thing I want to mention is that the country where I'm living is actually pretty well developed. It's probably like Europe, but 50-70 years before with less high-quality infrastructure and a little more disorganized. As usual young people are more open-minded (less than in Europe however) and speaking to people who are above 35-40 is like speaking to people in their 70s and even more in Europe. Many social interactions are frustrating. But I grew a lot by immersing myself in a stage blue environment. I met interesting people. I'm much more yellow than before where I was more orange, I'm also much more compassionate, less reactive, and I understand many things that would be have been impossible otherwise.

I'm too much distracted right now, I need to turn my focus on my freelance business and send more proposals to some jobs. Let's refocus.

I'M REACTIVE AGAINST STAGE BLUE I'm distracting myself right now by ranting on stage blue. Even if I'm overall happier and I learned a lot about acceptance since the last ten months, I'm still having difficulties to deal with stage blue. I can get sometimes outraged by its stupidity. This needs to change and be turned into compassion and acceptance. Maybe experiencing even more stage blue would be the solution... I have to stay careful that my ego doesn't pervert this journal by mindlessly ranting on stage blue or other things I don't like.

STAGE BLUE LEARNING MODE Stage blue learns mostly by repeating existing patterns. The more a work is identical to the original, the better it is, most of the time differences are seen as bad quality work. So innovating and improving things that exist is bad.

HAVING STAGE BLUE MANAGERS Two of my managers are stage blue, one of them is more intense than the other. It's possible to see it in his energy and even his body language, he seems so tense. He is easily shocked when I say I disagree with him on something and doesn't even question me on my point of view, but rather force me to obey him. I sense strong ego every day, and it's quite hard to work with him sometimes, hopefully, most of the time we are not directly interacting. I asked a question on a task recently, I already had an explanation before, but I needed more information. I thought someone would give me more information, but my manager told me that it's not elegant to have so many comments on a task. I said: "It's OK, they don't care". He answered: "Are you trying to defy me?". I was so confused. Finally, I didn't get any more information, he told me that the work is already here and that I don't have to reinvent the weel. I only needed to convert it to another technology. Main lesson: Stage blue is very insecure, easily reactive against critics, and always concerned about others opinions.

I'M SO GLAD I HAVE THE EDUCATION I HAVE Even though I followed a stage orange/green western education and it's imperfect, it's still better than the blue/orange education my colleagues have. I can easily see the differences in our everyday life, the limiting beliefs, and fears of people around me, and how to not fall into the same traps.

EXPERIENCING STAGE BLUE I grew up as a minority in a stage blue country called Mauritius. Was it bad? Not really, since the country is not a high-intensity stage blue, but more a medium/lower blue. I would say that maybe 60 - 70% is stage blue and most of the rest is above, and of course, it's possible to find lower stages. The political situation is stable, there's a low crime rate, no terrorism, no mass shooting, a good economic system, and good democracy. It's considered one of the most developed countries in Africa. ==> Read more about Mauritius here However, even though all of this seems very good, my interaction with people is still frustrating sometimes. I did all my education in the French system and I went to French private schools, so I had an orange/green education in a blue country. I was interacting with blue mostly in my family. After high school, I went to France and studied there for about two years. I experienced a lot of growth and I really felt liberated from many social constraints. I had the opportunity to stay in France and work there in a big tech company, however, it seems that I was too attached to my native country and I decided to go back. Once I got there, all the shit started to hit me, and I clearly saw the psychological gap. I also saw how I hated and was afraid of stage blue when I got a job in a stage blue company. I'm currently at the end of two years of ego backslash, after two years of progress in Europe.

Thank you! And thanks for your advice! I think it will be very interesting to go through my old posts after at least 6 months or 1 year.

I'm at work right now, I just had a bad experience with stage blue thinking, so I'm probably going to talk about stage blue pretty soon...

I don't know how this journal is going to be, I can be sometimes organized and sometimes very chaotic. I will try to keep things as simple as possible, the more important things are my psychological growth and the impact of my thoughts on me and others.

I still have some doubts...

@martins name Don't you think that some very well trained liars could fake it?

Yeah, I already watched this one. It inspired me to create my own commonplace book. Leo says that he just put raw randoms thoughts in his journal, this is a little light for me and I would like to have more informations from people who have a journal

I not sure if I'm going to do it, but I'm thinking about creating a self-actualization journal on this forum. I already have a personal journal in my commonplace book which I keep for myself, however, I'm not always very regular and sometimes don't write some important insights. Maybe putting everything online can motivate me. I've always been inspired by people who have nice written and structured journals and I'm not sure what's the best way to do it. I have many random thoughts throughout my days, but also some long term plans on which I should think more. Is it better to create a journal for all the random stuff who is going on in my head or a more specific one aligned on a big project (I have at least 3 - 4 big goals in my head)? Or both together? Having one journal is already challenging, I don't want to have a tentacular structure, but at the same time, I feel like I need to focus on long term goals. Also, if you have a journal on this forum, how do you deal with the risk of being recognized online?

I just want to share another tool that I'm using now, it's called Notion and it's awesome

Hello, I'm currently working as a web developer in a big company. I don't like all the bureaucracy, the rigidity, and the lack of independence. I think starting as a freelance would be an easy way to get into business. I want to mention that I'm not living in a first world country, so the companies here don't pay that much compared to europe or north america. I cannot ask for the local companies if they need some freelancers and getting high paid opportunities, I can only ask online. Is it easy to do? I consider myself as one of the most competent person in my company, some other workers also think the same.