Raphael

15 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I kept my eyes closed during the entire session. I had a lot of random thoughts, moved my body sometimes and searched my nose a little. I didn't feel a huge difference in consciousness compared to when I began the meditation. I will close the windows of my room for the next sessions as there is too much noise outside, it's too distracting.

Thanks a lot! @ElenaO

14 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I opened my eyes twice during this session, at 20m 16s and 33m 3s. I moved my body a lot, I wasn't able to find the right position as I have a pimple on my right buttock, it annoyed me during the entire session. I also scratched myself a little.

@Dane I say no most of the time and people get pissed off as they think I don't like them, and honestly, it was also true many times in the past, but even now I continue to say no because I want to have alone time and to do other stuff. People feal being attacked by this and start doubting themselves and reacting negatively because they want love from you and are not able to get it. I got criticized a lot for saying no and even insulted. I think that you should continue to do what you want and if they get annoyed, explain to them your point of view in a polite manner. It can play a lot. And also, accepting to do something with them one or two times each two months will not annihilate your results, the best thing to do is probably to find the best balance

13 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: This session went pretty well globally and I didn't open my eyes. I moved my body some times and also scratched myself, at a moment I had a sensation that something was moving in the upper right side of my torso as if something wanted to get out of me. I probably have trapped emotions in my body, so when it wants to get out my body does strange behaviors.

My fears I recently watched Leo's videos on fear and I decided to list them. I probably have thousands of fears of various intensities, I'm not conscious of most of them, but here's my current list anyway: Fear of people Fear of people who have mental health issues (like my grandma) Fear of depressed people Fear of being dependent on other people Fear of being attached to other people Fear of close relationships Fear of my dad Fear of never having a girlfriend Fear of women (especially if they are very pretty) Fear of being a virgin all my life Fear of being kind and look weak Fear of criticism Fear of violence Fear of being incompetent Fear of being disorganized Fear of not being productive enough Fear of procrastination Fear of continuing to be lazy Fear of being stuck in wage slavery Fear of being poor all my life Fear of not being rich and successful Fear of my addictions Fear of having tics all my life Fear to continue to bite my nails all my life Fear of staying skinny all my life Fear of not sleeping correctly Fear of having eye circles Fear of having a bad skin Fear to admit to people that I prefer to wear briefs instead of boxers Fear of being dumb Fear of not being understood Fear of wasting my life Fear of spiders (it's actually a phobia) Fear of extraterrestrials Fear of stade red Fear of stade blue Fear of lower stade orange Fear of absolute infinity Fear of absolute love Fear of change Fear of improving society Fear of not improving society Fear of changing the world Fear of not changing the world Fear to reveal my fears and issues Fear of myself Main lesson: I live in fear.

12 October 2019 TIme: 29 minutes 55 seconds Summary: I initially thought it was going to go well, but it didn't. The neighbors were making a lot of noises by sawing wood. I straightened my body in the right position several times and I searched my nose one time. I was also quite sleepy during the session. In the end, I opened my eyes at 29:55 and stopped here.

11 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: They were a lot of external sounds during this session, most notably hens making noises. One of them entered the house and was walking and jumping on stuff while I was meditating. I choose to let it go and to keep meditating anyway. However, I scratched myself and also did some burp during the session. Globally today's meditation was pretty difficult, but I achieved to keep my eyes closed. I didn't feel that much difference compared to the beginning, except being a little lightheaded.

10 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I found this session a little more difficult compared to yesterday, but paradoxically, I had the sensation that these 45 minutes went very fast. I didn't open my eyes, but I scratched myself sometimes. I had a lot of random thoughts, some thoughts about the same guy, thoughts on this session, thoughts on having thoughts on having thoughts, and thoughts about what to write in this journal.

Yeah, I understand and honestly, I also have been confronted with dogs who were clearly aggressive. If I didn't move out, I would probably get hurt in these situations.

I went for a walk with my dogs (without any leash) and I met a man holding another dog with two kids. One of my dog bark to his dog and the man violently beat my dog with a tree branch. I told him to stop and wanted to tell him that next time it will be better if he could move to the side (they were an empty space) so that it doesn't happen with me or anyone else and that he doesn't beat anyone dog again. He didn't let me talk, and just after beat my second dog who was walking calmly without barking or running. He then told me the following: "NEXT TIME IF IT HAPPENS I WILL BEAT YOUR DOGS AND BEAT YOU TOO!!!" He was right that I should probably hold my dogs with a leash next time, but I also wanted to communicate with him and share my perspective, however, it was literally impossible. He was very impulsive and I sensed a huge stage red ego, so I choose to let go. Even though I was very calm when I was face to face with him and I'm currently not paralyzed, super anxious, or anything, I'm a little afraid to go for a new walk. It's different to receive physical threats online and physical threats in real life and I know I can meet this guy again in the future. Did you already receive face to face physical threats? How to deal with it?

He was very close to me and I felt his aggressiveness in his voice, but I think I correctly handled the situation as I was very calm and non-reactive in the moment. I choose to go away when he told me he will beat me next time.

That girl at the supermarket I easily spotted this girl. She looked like a mix between caucasian and asian, she had blonde hair, a thin waist and appeared to be pretty healthy at first look. I didn't talk to her, nor did she, she came close to me some times. At a moment she was near me and asked a question, I didn't know if it was directed to me as she was always talking to some other people that were accompanying her, so I ignored it. Maybe I should have asked her, but it's too late now. Nevertheless, what was more appealing to me was her energy and personality when she was talking, she sounds like a very genuine person. Maybe I should have tried to speak to her, but it's too late now, too bad. Main lesson: Even after a few years of consciousness work, I'm still pretty shy and uncomfortable with women, especially if they are pretty. This is a huge personal development area that needs to be improved.

@flowboy Thanks!

9 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I tryied mindfulness meditation today. I mostly focused on external sounds and very few on my body. I did it successfully without opening my eyes this time. I still had some thoughts about the same guy, but they were greatly reduced compared to the previous sessions. When I stopped, the time was 11:11. Coincidence? I don't know. I had some back pain when I opened my eyes, but in the end, I felt refreshed and more conscious.

8 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I had a little fewer thoughts compared to the last time, but was globally still quite agitated. Most of my thoughts were about the same guy who threatened me yesterday. I opened my eyes at 43m 30s, I also got interrupted by my mom who wanted to know if I was ready because we planned to go shopping together. I didn't feel a high difference between the beginning and the end. After the session, I was almost the same in my body and my head. However, I noticed that full acceptance of the present moment helps me to meditate longer.

@JonasVE12 I agree with you, I will use a leash next time, and maybe free them only in places where there are rarely people. I thought multiple times about learning martial art or self-defense including Krav Maga. What is the thing with Matt?

Yes, and of course his perspective is different. He was really afraid for his kids, his dog, and himself.

I'm not into this, and I don't think to hurt people back is the best decision, but open discussion should be.

That's scary, changing town was probably the best decision. But in my case, I'm not going to move soon, so I'll probably meet this guy again and I'll have to deal with him.

@Average Investor @Meditationdude @TrynaBeTurquoise You are all rights, I also think that it will better to use a leash with my dogs, even though I don't like it because if I were a dog I would prefer to be free and run without constraints. @Average Investor @Meditationdude I have been going for walks with my dogs in the same fields since I was a kid, so it has been for more than ten years now. Most of the time they were unleashed, and in more than ten years they never hurt anybody, however, they had some fights with other dogs, and of course, they barked to other people. I also meet a lot of dogs without a leash in this place, some of them did nothing, some of them run up to me, some of them barked to me, but I never got hurt. I was just walking calmly without doing any aggressive actions, and things would go well. However, most people are just afraid and react aggressively, I had times where people would throw rocks even if the dogs were walking normally without barking. @Meditationdude I can understand that he beat the first dog because he barked at his dog, but beating the other one who was walking peacefully is different, and physically threating me is something else.

7 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I was in a thoughts storm today, I couldn't stop thinking about a guy who beat my dogs yesterday and physically threating me. I opened my eyes for a few seconds at 36 minutes, then start again. Even with the thought storm, I felt different after the session, I felt more conscious and more refreshed compared to when I started. It was great.

Going practical I'm going to create more journals here. Each one will be dedicated to a specific thing I want to improve. Being practical is something that I lack, many times I just ingurgitate theories and throw them outside without really embodying them, it's time to fix this.

Getting physical threats I experienced physical threats for the first time in my life today. I was walking with my dogs in the fields and sometimes they bark when they see other dogs or humans. For the dogs, I don't really understand why they bark or run after some of them and let others as they are, however, I feel I understand what's going on with humans. Dogs barks after low conscious human beings, because they feel their chemistry, they feel people's emotions and they feel anxieties, anger, fear, and a lot of nasty stuff. Low conscious people are more prone to violence and dogs are able to see that, so they bark, run, or even attack. After a few years of only 30-45 minutes of daily meditation, I can also sense this. I can sense the level of consciousness of the people around me. When I'm with my dogs and see other people, I naturally know if my dogs are going to bark after them or run after them or let them as they are. Things are just obvious to me. And of course for the people to which it happens they react violently by chasing them with a stick, throwing rocks, or even trying to beat them. Of course, the consciousness level of the dog also matters, a low conscious dog will be more violent, where a high conscious one will be more loving. Mines are between the two. To get back to the physical threats, I was walking with my dogs (they were free, without any leash), when I saw a dad holding another dog and his two children. As soon as I saw the dad (I felt the low consciousness), I knew they were going to bark at him and his dog. They were another space on the right of the men, I did some signs to tell him to go aside, I don't know if he understands it, in the end, he didn't do it and continue to walk with a big tree branch, looking down with an angry look. As soon as my dog barked, he violently gives him a stroke. I immediately started to interfere with him and tell him to stop. He told something like this: "WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY! THEY ARE KIDS THERE NEXT TIME USE A LEASH TO WALK YOUR DOGS!" I wanted to tell him that next time if it happens it would be better if he moves to an empty space (if there is one close enough) so that our dogs are distant enough, and also because it can happen with someone else, and he just cannot beat everyone dog like this, but he interrupts me: "NEXT TIME? WHAT NEXT TIME?". At the same time, my second dog calmly walked aside without barking nor running at anyone and he beat him with his stick. I wanted to communicate with, to share my perspective, but it was not possible, he finally told me the following: "NEXT TIME IF IT HAPPENS I WILL BEAT YOUR DOGS AND BEAT YOU TOO!!!". I choose to let it go and acquiesced with an OK, it was literally impossible to say anything at this point, he was probably at stage red, people at this developmental stage are dangerous, so it's better to let it go. Main lesson: low consciousness attack low consciousness and violence

My favorite dog died It happened this morning, I thought it would happen today after looking at his state yesterday. I didn't get emotional, maybe because of my meditation practice and a year of social isolation, I mostly saw this as part of the circle of life. I didn't even view his corpse this morning as my dad who woke up before me immediately went to burry him without waiting for anyone. I wish I could see it one last time, but it was not possible. I remember his particularities, he was a very particular dog, sometimes he was sitting and contemplating the landscape, sometimes running on three legs because he was scratching himself with the fourth one. He was unique in his way. Main lesson: Everything comes and goes, everything is in perpetual movement.