Raphael

12 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath today and return to it every times I get caught in thoughts. I lost it a lot and was not that much aware when it was happening. I didn't move my body a lot, except near the end where I was a little more agitated. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

Mr. Robot is phenomenal! It's my favorite TV Show, but it is a little difficult to understand seasons after seasons.

11 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath but didn't really succeed because my monkey mind was too loud, I also move my body quite a lot. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

10 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was quite tense today and also stressed because of my freelancing business, I had an insane amount of thoughts but I didn't move my body a lot except near the end. I kept it up and did the full hour, I felt a little calmer, clearer, and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

9 January 2020 Time: 30 minutes 29 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was a little too exhausted today to be able to meditate properly, I was also quite agitated and had a lot of thoughts. I got the need to poo in the middle, so I stopped here and I didn't felt more conscious.

Thank you for your recommendation, but I don't think I will have the time to read it. I'm struggling to maintain the 1 hour, I think I'm going to brute force it.

8 January 2020 Time: 56 minutes 55 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was very agitated today, I had a lot of thought and moved my body a lot. I was angry thinking about the stupidity of stage blue. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

7 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session a little more difficult than yesterday as I was quite sleepy. I had a lot of thoughts but didn't move my body that much, except near the end, I also searched my nose at a moment. I felt calmer and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

6 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was a little sad during this meditation because of a bad social experience yesterday, it's clear that I still have social anxiety issues. I didn't let the sadness put down my meditation, so I pushed through the 1 hour anyway. I moved my body quite a lot near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes.

5 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: Today's meditation was a little more difficult and painful than yesterday, but I kept it up. I had a lot of thoughts, but I didn't move my body a lot except near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes, but I had some back pain.

4 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: Today's meditation was very intense. They were a lot of external noises and I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body and kept my back straight for almost all the session. I definitely felt more conscious when I opened my eyes, my mind was also clearer and calmer.

3 January 2020 Time: 56 minutes 8 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I had more difficulties meditating then yesterday, I moved my body a lot more and was pretty sweaty because of the heat. I was also distracted by all the noises outside. I didn't felt a difference of consciousness when I opened my eyes.

2 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: The session went pretty good, I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body except near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes.

@Raptorsin7 Thanks as usual!

Thanks. I feel good, but I'm currently recalibrating myself as I loosed momentum at the end of the year.

1 January 2020 Time: 0 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was very lazy and didn't meditate today.

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2015 - 2019 2015: Graduation And New Discoveries I graduated from high school as the first of my section. I felt at the top of the world, but at the same time, I felt that it was superficial and didn't matter at all. After graduation, I choose to study in France, my mom accompanied me until Paris, after that I took the train alone by myself, an 18-year-old kid in an almost unknown country. I discovered in depth what a first-world country looks like, discovered the cold, and for the first time in my life met (at first glance) like-minded people. It was the first time that I lived by myself, I felt extremely lonely at the beginning. At the end of the year, I discovered actualized.org by entering "Fuck Society" on youtube, the first video that I watch was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass" 2016: Existential Crisis I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being. 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year. 2018: Deepest Depression So Far I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality. 2019: Resurrection I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life.

Use Wordpress (I'm a freelance web developer by the way).

31 December 2019 Time: 52 minutes 37 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session very difficult, I tried to bring love to help me, but failed to do it. I was a little sleepy and moved my body a lot near the end. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

30 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath for this session, but it didn't go well as I was quite sleepy and I also had an insane amount of thoughts. The ending was quite difficult and I moved more my body near the end. I felt a little calmer and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

I currently just let go and accept everything. I feel the love and then generate it by myself.

29 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This session went very well, I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body. I bring love to my medidation just like yesterday and it helped me a lot, love is the solution to last longer and do everything better in life. I felt more conscious and calmer when I opened my eyes.

28 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This was a good session despite all the noise outside as the neighbor was using his lawnmower. I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body. I have been able to keep it up because I brought the more love that I could during this session. I definitely felt in the different state of consciousness when I opened my eyes, I was calmer and in a flow state.

27 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: No Summary: The session went well overall. I had a lot of thoughts that I don't even remember. The ending was more difficult and I opened my eyes at a moment near the end. I felt clearer after this meditation.

26 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was quite agitated during this session. I also had some negative and angry thoughts because I let myself be affected by my dad's dumb and impulsive behaviors. I moved my body and searched my nose sometimes, however, I felt like this session went really fast, it was like a 20 - 30 minutes sessions, but I opened my eyes near the end and then closed them again. I didn't feel more conscious after the session.