Draconis Chaser

This is the third time that I tried writing this damned journal. And it's not getting easier... At first I wished to write about life purpose. Then, I wanted to write about weight loss. But that still wasn't "the thing" . Maybe uni work? Motivation to study? But then it struck me in all its glory. It's not going to work.. again... Why? Because I realised that there is something missing from the foundation for all of those things. Ambition. Blasted thing has got me spinning day in and day out. I am embarrassed to say that I have no ambition left burning inside of me. You know how when you put a candle out with wet fingers, the fuse is left all dark, gross and stubborn and it wont set on fire again, for the life of it? Well, that is where I am now. I got cold showered. And covered with the wet blanket afterwards. And mind you, it's all my goddamn undoing. When I was a child, I was border-line abnoxious. Wouldn't take no for an answer and had to always have the last word in any question. Well, my terror was short lived as the children in my neighbourhood were having none of it. And I thought I was fairly smart (smarter than your average bear) and liked to flaunt my so called 'superiour knowlege of interesting facts' in everyones face, especially because those were some mean-ass children, and were particularlly nasty to me. I now realise they were probably a little bit intimidated because I was interested in books and science and music quite a lot, and had always talked about those things. Still, the more they bullied and secluded me, the more stubborn and determinded I got. That prolonged into the primary school, and all the way to highschool. Fun fact- I was awarded the best student in my school because I was so dead set on proving to everyone there that I was smart and that they got nothing on me. But the winds have soon changed as Highschool turned out not to be a nightmare. Much to my relief, people were actually nice and friendly and the stubborness wore off quite a bit. I still felt the reminiscents of the past desire to be the best and so I studied a lot and did rather good in school. And all was well... Exept not. Around my fourth year of high school, I stumbled upon Actualized on youtube, and being the personal development nutjub that I was, I devoured everything I laid my hands on. All the content. Watched and rewatched time and time again, almost as much as I read and watched Harry Potter (and I can pretty much recite the entire second movie word for word and almost 9 and 3/4 of the last book). That is also when the cold shower happened. I was working on accepting full responsibility for everything that happened (especially for all the bullying)and started to question my reasoning a lot. What i discovered is that all that time, all of my ambition was just the result of me being my usual stubborn insuferable self. And the bubble burst. Shit. That ambition, I didn't want it anymore. Not if it ment constantly going bact to some of the worst moments in my life, reliving them untill I felt hurt and betrayed and numbingly lonely once more, just so that I can call upon ambition to be the best and motivation to study for some random test. No. I gave it up. All of it in fact. And, as wierd as it sounds, I do not regret that decision. My life is set at a lot more peaceful place now. However, I want that feeling back. I want that Superman (well, Superwoman) feeling of achievent back. I want to feel the burn. I want to want to not stop for a split second on the way towards a goal. I want to want to work hard. I want to bite into a goal so deeply that I rip apart its flesh with my teeth all the way to its bones. I want that fire in my eyes, the lasers that lock onto a target. I don't want this mediocrity! When the hell have I become so agreable? When has a half-ass result become a good and expected result?! Why the hell am I doing this to myself? I usually start yelling at myself like this, and I usually end up with the same answer - "because your life has no purpose"; And my personal favourite "and worse: because you are weak". And I have to agree with the anoying voice inside. I do not have a life purpose. I do not wake up excited. I do not plan grand things. I do not live. I survive. And the scary part is that I never did. You see, I tought that was how I was always supposed to be, driven and hard at work. But the reasons were all wrong... Now I am lost. Stumbling on the various paths of life, alowing its tides to take me wherever they please. I know there is something bigger and better out there. Just not sure if I have it in me to reach that far, for I have burned all my bridges and am not going back to that dark period for the life of me. I understand that life is not ment to have a purpose, we are lucky to even be here in this form, and I do realise that the gift is not going to last forever. I also understand that i can make my life be whatever I want, but honestly, I find the sheer abundancy of choices terrifying (Shhh! Don't tell anyone that). And what I find myself needing is an initial push. I know I have to finish all of my classes. And I am working on that. But in order to land a job I am studying for, I have to be giving a lot more than what I am giving now, and I just can't push myself over that barrier. Or won't. It's the same really. So there. I have poured the darkest of my mind into this. Hopefully anyone reading would have something constructive to suggest. If they, in fact, are not bored out of their minds by this time. And if somebody is, miraculously, reading this, I thank you for landing me some of your prescious time, and I wish that you have better day today than yesterday.

@sagaranupr It seems to me that you have a lot going on and are holding a lot of grudge against youself. I would chose one thing that is the absolute first priority (could be your exam, your health, finding a place to live, whatever) and I would baby-step it. And if necessary baby-step those baby-steps. That enormous pile of things that I had to do always felt like a boulder hanging above my head on a thin thread and so I would panic a lot and do a little bit of everything and eventually not complete anything. See, this whole repetative process has kind of a snowball effect. The more you try to solve it, the worse it gets, and under more pressure you feel, because you are "falling behind". I found my way out of the loop when I commited to one thing and one thing only (college) and completelly ignored for the most part everyhing else. And since the "college" pile got rather ample, I decided to work a little by little every day. And mind you there were days and days where I wouldn't so much as open my books (in the middle of an exam period even). One time (after a rather nasty session of feeling sorry for myself) I took my book and opened it and said: I'm going to read through 5 pages max. No more than that. I will read through them, and imma put the book away. No test problems, no repetition, no studying. Just reading. 5 pages max. So I sat there and pushed myself through the first sentence. And though, it was exausting I wanted to see how far I could get... I ended up going through almost 10 with repetitions and little drawings I made along the way, and explanations, and little tables, and in the end I felt empowered. I was so proud that I did it. Started with hopefuly 5, ended up with thoroughly 10. Next day, the same thing happened. And the next. Now I am half-way through the book. But the most important thing is that I want to study now. Not because I had an epiphany, but because it feels so good! I don't want to break the combo. And as the day of the exam grow closer and closer, I am getting more and more enthusiastic. The moral of my long comment, I guess, is that you CAN change. What you need to do is stop invisioning a "dooming failure" scenario and push through the initial baby-step's baby step. Let me testify, the success also snowballs, and it kepps getting better. I hope this rant of mine helps a little bit. Take care!

I would suggest that you do go to college, but if academia is not something that you see yourself doing any time in the future, than, maybe chose something that can help you start your busines, like menagement or economics. Even psychology might be a good choice. Another point that you'll want to keep at the back of your mind is that sometimes people judge others prematurely based on their qualifications, so having a diploma from a well established institution can only be a plus, right.

@Aleksi I would just add that while aerobic exercise does increase neurogenesis, those new neurones have to be put to use right away. Otherwise, they will quickly perish. So, hit the gym, and then hit the books.

@NIckD Indeed!

@Nana_Kh First things first. The most important thing right now, in my oppinion, is that you realize that nothing is lost. You are only 19 years old! There is a whole life ahead of you! It doesn't matter what has been, it's important what is now. And now you are aware that there is more to life that what seems to be. And it doesn't matter where you are. You still have a good head on your shoulders, and as long as you have that, you can advance! You have already made the most fundamental step and that is to realize that you can do more. You are here on the forum, after all, aren't you! I would suggest that you work on your confidence and optimism for a while, create a series of mini-wins. If you are in school, try to make your grades a bit better. Or try journaling here so that you can practice your English, if nothing else. Give it some time, and trust that soon things will not be as dark. You will have more confidence and it will be a lot easier for you to decide on what to do next. Remember, if you are not feeling happy and fullfiled, you are your own first priority! I hope you have a great day!

@Pia But you do have free will, don't you? The catch is that it is not ACTUALLY, fundamentally free (or yours for that matter), but the fact remains that you can choose what to do and what not to do. The underlying causes of your choices are not really yours to control (think of reflexes, for example, you react to hot surface even if you don't want to), and yet, here you are, on this forum, looking for a way to solve your problems, right? Practically speaking, you do have a choice and free will to run your life, but strictly practically. As MN said, I would think too much of it now, though. This whole concept of no free will requires that you have a bit more experience in personal development, exactly so that you don't get discouraged up front.

@Umar Absolutely! It is miles better then dreading studying! Still, If you try hard enough, I'm pretty sure you can find bits and peaces in even the most boring subject that are kinda your thing, or you are particularly good at them. Makes it a little bit easier to drill through the book (I think)... Again, I speak from experience, as I never really understood math and physics. I knew how to solve problems and derive stuff and explain stuff, but never did I internalize it. Like I do with biology, for example. It just clicks into place and boom- the piano of understanding lands on your head.

The biggest issue I have with studying is relating to the material. I mean, yes, if you get rid of distractions and make good quality notes, your studying will definitely improve. But sometimes, you need a little bit more. I find this to be the case when I'm studying "impossible" subjects like chemistry and physics. It is mostly abstract work (with formulas and derivations), but there are of course experiments, which are very real, and that brings the whole subject back into practical realm. Often, I fail to connect the two, and hence I miss some of the deep understanding I could've gained. I feel like it goes for all sutudying material. It's more than just memorizing a bunch of facts and you are set to go. Your teachers might be pleased, but you will have learned nothing. I suggest finding a way to bring the material into the real world, as much as it would allow it, and getting to know it so well that you can almost see the scenerios unfold and the circumstances thereof in your head, as if you were remembering your favourite book. That is, however, hard work that takes practice and perseverance, but it pays off so ridiculously much. Not only will you now know the material better, more importantly, you will know what you don't know, and the questions you pose will lead you to even greater understanding. It's beautiful, really. I hope this helps. Take care

Belgrade, Serbia

Honestly, I don't see humans all that different from other animals. What is a fox's motiation to hunt and eat a fluffy bunny rabbit? It is hungry and feels the need to satisfy the hunger. What is its motivation to go to the streem and have a sip of water? It is thirsty. What is its motivation to seek out another fox to make sweet love to? The need to leave offspring. I suspect it is the same thing with us. Why do we watch tv? We feel the desire to be entertained. Why do we play music? We feel the need/desire to create music. Why do we do personal development? Because it is a desire no different than the thirst or hunger. Sure, the cicumstances might be different, but the basis is the same - there is an activity in your brain that makes you desire something and hence you develop motivation for doing (or not doing - equally important) the action. So my answer as to why haven't you done all that stuff beforehand is simply - because you were more strongly (if that is indeed a valid word) motivated not to do the thing. That motivation, however, is probaly not obvious to you and it might take some introspection to figure out, but I'm sure you will get there in time. I hope this makes sense. Take care

@Vincent Musanti I still have my moments when everything is falling apart and there is no point in doing any schoolwork or studying, and I too go back to Leo's videos for comfort. Not nearly as much as before, though. I personally had a rather bitter pill to swallow, knowing that I cannot be the best in everything no matter what I do and how much I try. And it took some convincing with myself to realise that it was okay. I don't have to be the best. I just have to give it my all. And if my all still isn't enough and I end up accomplishing absolutely nothing - I can live with that. But I have to know I gave it my all. This attitude is not something I adopted from others, nor can I give it to you. It was a rather painful realisation to be honest. It hurts so much to acknowlege the fact that what you thought defined YOU (aka the winner) has in fact dissapeared almost over night, never to be found again. And you have two options: to go after it again, but to know deep down that you are never going to catch it again, and even if you do become the best, you will costantly be in a spasm, trying to protect your position. And eventually, you will be replaced by someone smarter and younger. This is a fight you just cannot win. Second option is to make peace with the situation, and accept that things are the way they are, and there is really nothing you can do about it. This is, of course, better choice for it gives you a clean slate to work with. But you see, It's so damn hard to give up on your identity and the past memory of you being a mile better than all those morons around you. That part of you has to die. But it felt sooo good before, didn't it. You might not have been the most poular one, or the best looking one, but you sure as hell were the smartest! And that beats being pretty, right?! From where I stand now (and that is a position slightly more stable from where I was before), all of MY issues with studying stem from not having a life purpose, also from residues of the "I have to be the best" attitude. Knowing all that I know now, it is merely a consequence of procrastination and lazyness. What I find myself needing, and I suspect you might benefit from, is getting in touch with that passion for acomplishment from the inside. That drive to outdo yourself, not beat the stupid highscore. That desire to nail the exam because that is the only logical thing to do. I was lost for a while there, not having my life purpose and all, before I realised that, no matter what it turned out to be, I still would have to graduate from college, and I would still not be happy with half-ass grades. But the whole context of grades is now changed. Again, I hope I am not boring y'all with my long coments. Take care

My pleasure!

That very situation right there was a way of life for me. And for a long time, mind you. I didn't have to chase great lengths and work for exellence, so long I was the best in my immediate surroundings. And oh, boy, has that backfired on me. Now, at Uni, I am not even in top 10. At first it was like: "What the hell, brain? Step your game up!" And I tried harder, failed harder and was absolutely miserable. Completely devastated that I wasn't the best, not even close, and that lead to even worse results. But than I came across something I had read millions of times before and had always ridiculed, never fully understanding what it ment: Some battles are won milimetre by milimetre. And it clicked. All this time, it wasn't about me going against the best in my class. It wasn't about me self actualizing and being the best that I can be. Rather, it was me being very selfish and egoistical, and wanting confirmation form other people because I found none in one place where it mattered - inside. I know that sounds clishe-ish, but that really is what happened. What I needed to do was drop the crazy expectations for myself and end the wild goose chase. The whole point of going to school and learning as much as you can (if you are wise enough to recognise that) is not to have a perfect all As report at the end. It is about you adopting the way of thinking in your field and gaining critical insights into the matter. Others around you just happen to be going along for the same ride. And that is where "mm by mm" comes in. You fight your insecurities little by little and you work your way from the bottom up. Given enough time, I'm sure you will look back and suddenly realise that you don't give a damn anymore about how others did on the test. No! Now, You are proud of your own improvement. I am sorry for the long post, I really hope it helps, even just a little bit. Take care, mate!

I don't think you need to be working at that harsh pace for a prolonged period of time. Yes, I believe some sacrificies will be made, but this just seems like an overkill. There is a generalized way to improve any skill, and there is a smart way to improve any skill. I think you might want to practice art more affectively, and not so much build mileage. With that being said, I also believe you won't be 100% satisfied with your 15 hours art/ 8hrs sleep/ 1hr eat life. And being satisfied with your life is kinda the point here...