Kelley White

@Truth I wholly concur. I'm observing I judge me, so I assume others judge me as I judge me. Very faulty logic there. LOL Duh! Thank you Captain Obvious when I really see it. LOL Wowser. Between the military, law enforcement, abuse, I learned assess for and eliminate the threat. Very concrete, all good all bad. Everything becomes a morality play. LOL Talk about drama. OMG! I'm trying to figure out how to avoid pain. Huge revelation there. Who am I without this old story? Who will I be with out all this pain and internal judgement? Might "I be" happy? LOL Might I actually write the book I wanted to and it becomes an I get too because it is fun versus an I have to or I'm worthless? Might my social anxiety be stemming from my own inner critic projecting the reality of being unworthy, unlikable, thus anxious before I begin? I assume malice, because I inflict malice upon me? I actually find Leo's "Judgment - How You Ruin Your Own Happiness" really relevant to social anxiety. Its approaching the social setting with a valuation model. Great thread.

Hahaha You see @jjer94, I'm Alice. I always chase rabbits first. LOL See, I had to go out and socialize and live the video last week, then I got to come to the conclusion myself, THEN I stumbled on that video of Leo's this morning. Ironically enough I am listening to the rest of it now as I'm listening right now as I respond to your suggestion to listen to it. Such is my little treasure hunt. BINGO! YES! I was, may partially still be? Its in flux? LOL YES! OUCH but laughter, resolution and empowerment too! Awesome response and thank you. A no bullshit matrix, respect.

@abrakamowse The paradox? Knowing on one level "reality is an illusion" and on the other that the illusion is still "real". So last week I was a house guest and learned quite a bit about "myself". I learned I focus internally more on what I perceive I do "wrong" versus what I perceive I have been successful with. I then add subtext which is not real, add some all or nothing thinking, some mind reading and fortune telling, we are off to a nice emotional day. Then I got to recognize I've been "THAT girl." The one that has had so many sad , challenging things happen to her she thinks (fears) she is the sum of those things, so I'm like, "Hi! I'm a mess. Want to be friends?" Houston we have a problem here. Does everyone need to know "I" have a son in prison within the first five minutes of knowing me or was this my coping mechanism for keeping people at arms length when it was in the media and people were rude, intrusive and curious, so now I default to this sad story of a being versus a victorious strong survivor? I've lost years looking back torturing myself, in turn inviting and allowing others to use me and take advantage of me, then not wanting to be the bad guy once I've gotten myself in a conundrum, seeking validation for being the victim rather than owning my own power and my choices. Sucks to face but truth. So I start having all these revelation of self defeating things come into my awareness. I can observe how I start spiraling down this rabbit hole of feeling as though nothing is real, I am nothing, there is no point, and it's depressing, its hopeless...just bottomless black. "I'm broken, I'll always be broken...blah blah blah." It hits me. Assume the worst. Take things to their extreme. "If nothing is worth anything to include you Kelley what are you pressuring yourself to prove to everyone every day?" Then I started re-framing what I've survived, how far I've grown, focusing differently on the internal things. I really realized self worth was the issue and I was not focused on the correct data. I personalized too much. I've been lying to me about me. I have sold myself a story, sold myself that story was unchangeable and I was the sum of that story. The only way I could free myself from that story was to balance the Karma of all the perceived harm based upon my own morality system, and 14 to 16 hours a day of doing for others still left me feeling as though I was not doing enough. That's insane right there. LOL That's a hyper negative self critic run amok to the point of self destruction right there. A recipe for disaster. I see in writing what I've accomplished from behind a computer with poetry in three years and then try to say I'm a loser and now? This morning? I can't. Its so absurd of a lie, I can't believe I believed it. Right now? I suspect I've lied to myself for so long about me that I am relieved on one sense. In another? Its so overwhelming I m still challenged just sitting with it, allowing the feelings to come and just feeling them. I've been this one victim for so long? Getting used to the idea of being that strong survivor and owning that? That feels rather odd. So today, I have an appointment with Voc rehab to see if I can get back into school, the rest of my week is going to be spent here, meditating and being aware of the insane clutter running around in my wee brain, reading, being nicer to me, being creative, allowing myself to breathe. It feels like for the first time in years, I can finally breathe. Like there is some hope and I set down a huge weight I've been carrying. That's huge. No more I have to's; what do I want to do? The what do "I" want question? Going to really require thought after years of pleasing others and denying myself. If today is the last day I get, what am I thankful for, what do I want that day to look like? Create that day.

@jimboJones, this was really an interesting video.

@Murtaza I had to re frame this to, "When did I change thus I can no longer abide with this being as they are, or this conduct, and why? First I try to go through the process of inquiry @Isle of View suggests. Now if I then come to the conclusion that the shift in my own personal development has meant I can not longer abide a self destructive or abusive paradigm, I have to take 100% responsibility and then remedy by changing my situation so it is the most healthy for me. I have come to understand...no one can change another being without their consent.

@Isle of View Great points.

@Natura Sonoris good reminder, thanks.

@Natalya I will agree I routinely challenge myself to do things I really don't want to do to face the fear.

I've been interested and currently researching this approach. I want to try EMDR and see if I get results before I try approaching University of Washington for trials. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the information. Fear is definitely the issue kicking me in the butt.

Today's focus on constructing useful affirmations

My EMDR Specialist gave me a task this week to look in the mirror each day and assign myself a number from on to ten which reflects my sense of self worth that day, one being the lowest, ten being the highest. <<<< can't seem to do it. <<< Dislikes mirrors <<< Dislikes selfies of myself <<< Dislikes having photos taken of myself period. My dad started giving me porn at the age of five <<< Was told I was ugly and teased by the other kids <<< Was told how non-photogenic I was by Eileen Ford of the Ford Modeling Agency at 14 during a half hour evisceration of every flaw my face and body possessed. <<< Was set up on dates with adult men by my parents from age 15 on while ignored by guys in high school. <<< After an entire childhood of sexual abuse my father's last culminating act was to bring home an application for the Playboy Club for me to apply for after I told him I was interested in Bible college. I joined the Army. <<< The army resulted in three sexual assaults in a year and a half of service. <<< been assaulted, stalked, harassed, demeaned, diminished, controlled, force fed, starved, told what to wear, how to do my hair, how to walk, talk, sit stand, and mostly to dumb down. As an older woman I have had men repeatedly tell me how stunning I would be if only I got that breast augmentation; aging after all takes a toll. <<< IS NOT a body but a being inside a body. The body? Its just created problems. Its either too unpleasing, or so pleasing it gets attention which is harm. <<< see my responsibility in what I have allowed; that is not the struggle. The struggle is: being identified with my appearance has caused me harm and I'm not certain how to get beyond that. If someone compliments me I default internally to the belief they are being polite to not be unkind. I don't believe them. I was told my flaws from a young age, they were reinforced over and over. If they seem sincere then its like my flight, fright thing goes into effect; how are you going to harm me? Trust, it doesn't come easy; I'm told by many they are mystified I can trust at all. <<< Western culture promotes the lesson I was taught by my father from a young age; men want women who look like the women in magazines. Dealing with core trauma at this point from a young age? I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram this specific default to shame over just looking at the "me" everyone relates to as "me" in the mirror? I don't see that reflection as "me"? I learned that reflection was deficient, just created problems. How do you unlearn that ? I really have not found affirmations helpful. It feels like I'm trying to convince myself of something that is not true. This is a real core challenge for me to overcome and I'm not really certain how to unravel it on an emotional level versus the mental gymnastics which just never lead to self acceptance at this level.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Women in the fifties that are sex symbols: @shouldnt I don't buy into it. Fine summer wine. Its a state of mind. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/goodlife/11566788/Sex-symbols-over-50.html

Agreed.

Thank you for the post @Sarah_Flagg. I've experienced this myself. Thank you.

I definitely appreciate your integrity and understand your position. @The Alchemist.

@lucasgloves I observe its a different process for everyone, and its not linear. Do what works for you. You are very welcome, and I wish you the best in your process. We are just happy to be here to support one another.

And the improbabilities....

@jimboJones I wanted to think about your question before just offering up answers, there was quite a bit there to consider. My observation is that many of the most wounded people seek self actualization with a rabid determination hoping for wellness. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy mixed cognitive therapy principles with Eastern Philosophy. It has one of the highest success rates with PTSD compared to other therapies. Rather than rehearsing trauma, you redirect focus. Rather than avoiding emotions you experience them. Rather than yielding to fears you face them and walk through them. EMDR, Self actualization, there are so many different paths. I've been around numerous individuals with brain impairments, mental illness, It seems to me many of them self actualize but they have to desire it. Your last question? I have never been blind? I think it would be an amazing question to ask a blind person. That said, I've known people who were blind. Some had sight and lost it, others never had sight. They still have conceptual frameworks for understanding their reality. I would be interested how they would experience this. Wonderful question.

@abrakamowse You and I seem to agree.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHA Who is this God being? I always wonder if its just kids playing a video game and we are just in some grand version of grand theft auto. But I'm a wee poet what do I know?

@Philip, thank you for asking, I would be very happy too. Look at the world we live in now. The internet connected us in real time, world wide. We went from eras where news traveled by person over land and sea and arrived months or years after the fact, to in your face, non stop data. ( A proliferation of data which is not all truthful. ) Lack of awareness to hyper awareness. How are humans handling the bombardment of all this information? What is the emotional impact on the human mind as change becomes the norm and resistance to change, and exponential and then super fluid change at that? I wonder if like mice in a maze which gets more crowded and placed under more stress it becomes more aggressive? I don't know? We are in the process, so presently I observe it, but I don't know, I just have theories.) For every simplicity we resolve, we create a newer complexity. At what point when computing reaches Turing will humans be incapable compared to their AI creations for solving more complex issues which come into our awareness? How will humans handle this? What is this super-fluid future going to look like? How will we handle it at a core level as reality is refined within our contextual framework of reality in time-space? How will individuals on a grand scale handle being forced to face a fragmented fractured reality giving way to new understanding within the evolutionary context? Pragmatically? Economic systemic changes. Distribution and logistics changes. Political and governance system changes. How will systems which are even slower to evolve and more resistance to change adapt to this same exponential growth and super-fluidity? (Particularly in light of they are comprised of the same beings experiencing such a radical evolution themselves.) The radical paradox, its not real, but it is real. SO on the reality level within this dimensional context of understanding in the now? How are we as a species going to adapt and thrive versus other options? Thank you for not having fear related to the topic.

I think there is much wisdom and insight here @Rito. Thank you so much for sharing. The only thing I do wonder: Who are "bad" guys? Can bad guys self actualize or do they feign self actualization? @Rito , what I like about your observations? You begin to point to the solutions by identifying concrete relevant issues. Logistics and Distribution. Technology will not be the messianic cure all, its a tool; it can create good, or cause harm, either by omission or commission. Great comment.

@abrakamowse I agree it is possible for humans to improve cognitive abilities with the use of technology, we are already doing it. I would have to inquire what is "correct" spiritual alignment? I suspect this is going to be a challenging phrase to define with mutual alignment. "I" am not certain the average individual even is aware of the reality of the exponential growth of technology and its impact. I do agree without some sort of positive alignment (again too vague) there is the potential for great misuse, harm, even potentially self destruction. My personal concern and passion? Numerous "spiritual" models have apocalyptic endings to the world. Now In a self actualization forum I would hazard a guess that many of us could see that as a self-defeating prophecy which we could fulfill if we believe (focus on) its the only outcome to the story. Can we individually and thus collectively rewrite the narrative to have a more optimal unfolding path versus a resounding end of evolutionary process?