Kelley White

@gian, Hi! Its nice to meet you. Thank you very much for sharing. Right now we are here to focus on your story. I find stories subjective; relative. I hear you are an only child and were raised with a father who has a debilitating disease that not only impairs his physical functioning but his cognitive functioning. You were sent abroad for a semester of school...was this a positive thing for you? Was it a negative thing? Your parents fought the majority of the time, really few to no positive childhood memories. I was raised an only child...did you end up feeling hyper responsible for your parents as a kid? Kind of like the parent? I'm curious? Only children can often feel that way. This has to have been challenging for you as a kid. You see conflict, the adults are trying to hide the conflict but not doing so successfully; I would imagine that would be stressful or painful, possibly frightening for a child to watch? It must have been confusing, wondering what all of the fighting was about, trying to find a way to be in a peaceful space? I sense conflict? You feel ripped off perhaps? You want to be angry but feel it wouldn't be fair since you're father is ill; he had a right to feel ripped off and angry? It seems you feel ripped off and angry but conflicted about that? Now mom is sick, can't be angry with mom? I don't know...I'm just asking so I can understand the dynamics. So I am also hearing when you focus on you, you feel better than you do when you focus on your parents? Ten steps backwards related to mom not feeling well perhaps? I mean cancer is concerning, your dad is already ill, I would say you have a rather full plate and you are being the very responsible, stoic, apologetic... Perhaps ten steps back is what you needed? You took them you must have? Where are you now? Can you imagine yourself two steps ahead now? What would that look like? What would happen if you stopped worrying about your parents and focused on you again? What if you trusted them to take care of them and empowered you to care for you? What might that look like? I struggled with the, "If others are not happy how can I be happy?" question. You know the answer already, you stated it yourself... You just forgot because your emotions got in the way perhaps? I would say that is fairly normal for all you've been through. I suspect you have been through more than you credit yourself for? I might be wrong? What do you think? Thank you for having the courage to share. I really value you trusted us enough to do that. Thank you.

@MartineF You are very welcome, thank you for asking. It was nice that someone expressed an interest. I suspect your impression is correct that many mental illnesses are due to traumas. (hurts) Can you throw enough love at a hurt to repair it always? In my experience no. Sometimes love is not enough to solve the problem. In other instances, love is very healing and does contribute to overall wellness in conjunction with honest self inquiry. Sometimes there are other factors that play into the illness and they are organic or physiological and not so easily "managed." HAHAHA The whole who is ill thing? I often wonder that one myself? I think its more like feeling the world is an unsafe place. I think it can do either its a matter of degree and focus? If I err and feel pain and make a correction to avoid incurring the same pain in the future that would be growth. I did not think that you saw the topic superficially, I felt your question was sincere and many of your points are valid. If by strongness you mean the validation of acknowledging one's own strengths versus focusing on one's painful mistakes, I think you conveyed that quite well. Thank you, and I wish you the best as well.

Hi! @ MartineF, nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to watch the video. Great questions, thank you for asking them. My first thought would be I wonder if you view all serious mental illnesses/psychiatric problems as one broad category? Each being sees the world differently with or without a mental illness of a serious or non serious nature. I think many folks have endured severe trauma and cannot function under the illusion of denial that the world is fair, kind, or without danger. I found her larger points to be: Facing your fears Have the courage to be vulnerable Have the courage to face your shame Have the courage to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart Making the unknown known is what is important When you feel like a loser you can make super hero capes to cover your real vulnerable self so you avoid pain, or feeling much at all. People with intense emotions often feel that they are to minimize or not be honest about their actual emotions. I've voluntarily been in a mental hospital. We took off our capes, we told the raw truth of our pain and our flaws, we created, we self examined, we learned meditation and we healed. Yes, you have to face the things that you are fearful of, or ashamed of the most and acknowledge your feelings as a part of the healing process based upon my direct experience. Yes sometimes its scary. Yes, we have to be 100% responsible for our lives. Sometimes that means being responsible for how we react to a traumatic event. Recovery can take time and require support/help. There is no bad world outside? That right there I have to disagree with. Now on the esoteric level I appreciate one can have a philosophical discussion that good and evil are subjective and evil has its own path and positive consequence can result from a negative act; etc. On the pragmatic level if you have someone cause you serious protracted physical or emotional harm you may feel at that time that there is bad in the world as you have fallen victim to a painful sensation which you attributed to the word we know as bad. (Ie: if I physically assault you I suspect you will perceive that as bad, quite literally.) I suspect the physical sensation of pain will leave room for doubt you would initially choose in the now to view the act as "good" unless you are a masochist? I don't know. What do you think? If someone assaults you is that good? Is it neutral? Is the damage to your physical body all merely a perception of your mind? What do you think?

@a e l i Awesome. Its sounds like intuitively you are aware of what will help you. Keep us posted on how it works for you. I wish you success.

@Philip I hope you found popped corn and enjoyed yourself. I have been packing, so I apologize for not responding sooner. If only I could find a way to get all of my belongings to teleport to their new destination...who has all those toys?

@Pia Hi. I apologize for the delay in response, I am in the midst of packing and all things moving. Please forgive me? Was there something specific which triggered your depression? @Pia Can your remember when the thoughts of "I'm not good enough," and "I hate myself," first began? Where did the idea originate from? I'm also curious, Is it really true you hate yourself? "Not good enough for what?" "Compared to whom?" I only ask because I struggled with this; I can share with you my process for what it may be worth. I read one of Byron Katie's books and she mentioned to this woman complaining of self loathing, "Is it really true you should like yourself?" "You don't like yourself, so it must not be true you should like yourself or you would." When you are ready to love yourself you will." I remember reading that at that time and feeling two responses: 1: I first felt this rebellious "So there, I don't like me and you can't convince me I'm likable!" and that all my tantrums of such a flavor were justified. Finally this Byron Katie woman got it and wasn't going to try to convince me that I was incorrect, I felt vindicated. 2. Then, this little Byron Katie life coach voice in the back of my inner brain said, "Is it true you really don't like yourself?" "Is that really true?" (Laughter) "Kid, I think you're full of shit." I realized in that moment I was full of shit. I am a survivor. Survivors want to live. Seekers want to self actualize; that's really indicative of wanting to live and live a quality life of the most aware kind. That's a strong and determined over comer. I wonder if you ever see yourself that way? As a strong determined over-comer? Does that person binge eat? @PiaWhat part of you wants to get beyond the binge eating and thrive? Can you remember a time when this was not an issue for you, or that you successfully managed it for a period? What was working for you at that time? Could you possibly not buy binge items of preference? Could you find another activity to go physically do when the desire to binge eat came into awareness? Can you just sit with the desire and the emotions without judging you or them and just identify them without acting on them? Can you ask "who would I be If I didn't believe these lies I tell myself?" Are you over eating? Do you eat after you feel full? I don't know? I'm not there. What leads you to believe you are over eating? I think different bodies seem to respond to different foods and approaches if you are seriously concerned and dealing with binge eating I would suggest a nutritionist who can assess your personal needs and recommend a combination of diet and exercise for your optimal health based upon your metabolism and personal goals. My other suggestion? Its not a linear process. Sometimes on the path to recovery from an eating disorder we relapse. You can see it, figure out why and forgive yourself and try again, or you can spin in the relapse and how horrible you are? If you can figure out what keeps you from spinning down the rabbit hole and catch it fast enough by doing THAT thing? That might help? What ideas do you have for other things you can do when you are triggered to self sooth or comfort yourself?

@Biomech, Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. I think that this video offers some pragmatic explanations for the condition you have and concrete options. I am curious if you are seeing a dermatologist currently? There are numerous options for make up tutorials, things you can do to deal with employment. Pragmatically speaking it is simply truthful that there is bias in hiring related to appearance; much the same as there can be gender discrimination, and other forms of discrimination in hiring. It sounds as if you also deal with this well... Perhaps more success than you credit yourself with or focus on when it feels more negative or fearfully overwhelming in the moment? I don't know? I'm just wondering? While I agree with many of the other comments that its ideal to not care? We live on a planet within cultures that are not always as kind in practice as they are in theory. The employment culture can be one of those cultures. I hear your pain, your isolation, I regret that people have been so unkind to you. I understand what its like to live with pain and rejection, or feeling ugly; it can feel utterly hopeless at times like you describe. It sounds like you really cope with it better than you give yourself credit for perhaps? I don't know? Again, I'm asking? Now Byron Katie would take the approach do the turn around; welcome it when people make those statements. See it for what it is, a reflection of their own harsh judgements of themselves. There are times as much as I love her, I still struggle with resistance to celebrating certain painful things with the zeal she seems to embrace. Perhaps why its called the "work"? LOL @ me. Being a bit more pragmatic I would say a balance of radical acceptance of what you cannot change, and treatment/options for what you can. I hope this link helps and I would just suggest using google or YouTube and going from there if you want other tutorials or treatment options. I wish you the best of luck.

@Endew, thank you for your question. Nice to meet you. The genre is rather broad; I'm not clear if you have a specific sub genre of interest? I would agree with @Toby Peter Levine has good work, Pete Walker has some cutting edge work on C-PTSD related to Childhood trauma I think is excellent. I also found a list from Good Reads on Google which might be a good resource. http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/child-abuse I hope this gives you some resources to work with.

@Galyna, no worries. There are so many awesome videos in the forum I can run out of time trying to watch them all.

Hahahah @Philip, I only sent you the link to the one hour or so video... Now...if you have time???? This will got through ALL the physics. Total nerdgasm. As for Hawaii? No idea? As for Garrett... I love researching these things.

@Philip Nassim Haramein's work is still controversial. LOL I have talked to and spent hours in physics forums listening to all of the folks who can do the math argue. (Physicists are very passionate about their math. ) Nassim is peer reviewed, and there is more and more agreement; that said? Some are still skeptical of his work. So let me know what you find out. I've read both pro and con Nassim reviews.

Hi @The Son You are welcome.

@100rockets, you are very welcome.

Hi @a e l i. Nice to meet you. My first question would be, "What do you feel when you notice you are biting your nails, grinding your teeth, and or pulling your hair? Can you identify what those emotions are and what triggered them? What was going on at the time? Are you doing this outside your awareness and then just notice, "I'm biting my nails?" Is it a choice? What is your objective? Pain or self soothing? I think my observations and suggestions would depend upon having more information. If you are self soothing, try a different self soothing technique to replace those with that does not cause harm. What are some you could think of? If you are seeking the pain? That's about the release of endorphins. Its a way of feeling when one is numb , its almost like self medicating only using pain to trigger the chemical reaction versus a drug. That's the why. There are numerous solutions. You can use ice on your wrist, snap a rubber band on your wrist; these are techniques therapists will ask people who cut to substitute for cutting. You get the pain without the harm. You could do the same thing with the hair pulling for example. Redirect it to snapping a rubber band. When folks cut mental health professionals usually work on no harm contracts with specific consequences for the self harming behavior depending upon the level of self harm. (IE; If you cut you are being admitted to the hospital since you are obviously in so much pain you are needing help to not harm yourself." ) Securing sharps so that they are not within the reach of minors who cut is critical to minimize the conduct. So if you self harm is causing you serious physical injury? If you feel it could escalate to cutting then I would recommend DBT or therapy. By my direct experience there are people who can "stop behaviors"; there are people who have to take small steps each day, stopping the behavior is the long term goal. I suspect the approach depends upon the skill set and needs of the individual? @FindingPeace, I have found this to be true. At times you can even lose the urge as well. @Anna, I am so happy to hear you have overcome this challenge. Its wonderful that you've found physical outlet for your emotions. I celebrate your success with you. @Nomad Seeking professional help is always a good idea if it interferes with our ability to function. Thank you so much, very interesting data you have provided. Thank you so much for sharing. You might find this of interest as well: (better video)

@100rockets. I am so happy you found it helpful. DBT was the beginning of a real transition for me. I participated in a DBT program through the Department of Veterans Affairs. Our instructor was amazing. I used DBT quite a bit to learn mindfulness. You are very welcome. You also might find this to be a great resource. http://www.amazon.com/Expanded-Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Training/dp/1936128128

@Philip, it blew my mind about five years ago. I've been wrestling with the radical acceptance since then? @Galyna, Love that. Or the illusion is just that "beLIEveable?" There is proof now on the quantum level of the observer effect. I was watching a documentary about it just a day or so ago. Einstein was working on a Unified Field Theory before he died. I've watched tens of hours of Nassim Haramein's work, this is an overview every one in the thread might find of interest. Its the "proof' for the Unified field theory indicative of a holographic universe. He is very funny, so he makes the topic understandable and interesting.

@Philip Trance state: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trance Peak creative state from the trance state: I put ear buds in, I feel, and write. Its like playing the computer. I've also noticed these peak experience states seem to accelerate learning? I can look at something very complex and assimilate it wholly at once versus when I am in non peak states the same information can appear complex and overwhelming. The two closest examples I have found to what the process looks/feels like? Or this without the pill: I am a huge fan of Colin Wilson, great documentary where he speaks about peak experience states.....

@Pia, I'm glad you found Teal's video helpful. I regret you felt so harshly about yourself. Food is comforting to some folks; yes. I am so happy to hear that you have arrived at the space you can do self inquiry now. How does that make you feel?

Hi @Pia. I agree with you. No. I don't think of food at all. I hyper focus on what I am doing and forget to eat. Literally. No. I have a problem with eating wisely. I'm strict with myself as in food equals fuel. I love chocolate chip cookies. I don't buy them. I buy nuts, dried fruit, things I can graze on that are high in protein and good for me versus sugar or processed calories which lead to depression. I've been over weight once in my life; I've been naturally thin most of my life. I struggled with anorexia in my early teens to late twenties. Currently? I am at a good healthy weight= (I feel good). I just forget to eat. I think I personally feel healthier when I am thin. My joints don't ache, I have better range of motion, I don't get winded, I don't feel tired. I feel healthy. Gardening? A great work out! I can't wait for spring. Even then? I get playing with plants and forget to eat. So when my body lets me know, I choose a banana or hummus , or peanut butter and apples versus junk food. That's what I meant by strict. I don't own a scale, I don't want to know my weight when I get weighed at the Dr.'s. Do I feel healthy? Do my clothes fit? Am I in pain all the time or can I stretch and lift and move and I feel good? Can I still do my yoga? Do I feel youthful? That's my focus. Awesome questions though. I never found this to work. I had to change my mindset about health and food. I also found like with any addiction if I didn't buy something or hang out with those who were doing it to excess, I wasn't setting myself up for defeat. I prefer to set myself up for success. We wholly agree. I always go point by point so I don't miss anything, I see we stated the same thing.

@Emerald Wilkins Interesting video, thank you for sharing this. I found it helpful. I love how he calls it the evil twin, it does seem to feel that way. Its why I use the Looking Glass Metaphor for explaining how this feels. Thank you.

@lucasgloves I found this tool yesterday and I love it. I think you will really like it too @lucasgloves. It literally puts things in perspective. http://www.pixelthoughts.co/

@DrMatthewsausage Hi! Ahhh! Yeah if you are new to this therapeutic relationship you are still in the trust building phase at this point. I would still encourage you to file it away for the future so that if things improve wonderful, if they don't you know you have options. My observation? Therapy is paying a licensed professional for an objective reality check who has the requisite skills to help you make small successive approximations towards your ultimate treatment plan goals. Sometimes its paying someone to teach you life skills, sometimes its someone to help you communicate better; whatever the issues may be. Its someone to help you process, to advocate for you, and offer you tools to help yourself. Therapy, meds, there are not "quick and easy" magic fixes. It takes time, effort, and a willingness to do things that at times are outside our comfort zones but ultimately the growth is worth the discomfort. Hang in there and I sincerely hope you do well and begin to see some results for yourself.

@Locooig, Respect. I admire your ability to do that. I am not certain everyone would be capable of doing that...but thank you for offering the suggestion for those whom will find it helpful.

@Galyna, that sounds harsh. Is it true? Are you really lazy? Should we shame you? I would rather say thank you for being here, you must be aware and wiling to work or you wouldn't be here? Maybe I'm wrong I don't know? Is shame working? I would rather support you in a positive small step you can make and commit to which you perceive is attainable? What are your thoughts? What do you think would really benefit you in making one positive change in this area we could support you with?

@Pia You are very welcome. I wonder how much weight you give your successes versus your binges? You have successes; that's growth. An oops doesn't negate the success, its just one moment. The next moment you can be right back on track. Changing eating patterns is challenging. I'm a recovering anorexic, I had issues with binge eating and starving from the age of 14. I recognized through self inquiry this was related to being given pron from before the age of five; being sexually abused, and being taught that beauty was looking like women in porn magazines. I literally was conditioned to objectify myself. Of course the crux of eating issues tend to be perfectionism and a sense of control. I was super skinny until I had my fourth child at 27. Then I was 145 pounds at 5'7" and thought it was the end of the world. I was used to be 105-115. I got to the gym and became a weight trainer. It changed how I viewed food. Food is fuel. I then dealt with my core faulty belief systems. I still have times when I can fall into poor habits. I just make a conscious decision to bring that aspect of my diet into my awareness again and make those small changes. I am very strict with myself. I find it I make those changes for 30 days? I go back and a soda or a cookie is too sweet. Eliminate processed foods and then have something later on? You taste the difference, you might even feel ill. So its doable, without guilt, just by being aware and asking your body what do you need? Self soothing with food. Add the brain chemistry of why folks with depression crave sugars and complex carbs? I hope that you and @Galyna can find some benefit from this.