Kelley White

Hi @Ryan_047, its nice to meet you. I open with thank you for your long message. I like long messages. Thank you for so clearly expressing how you are feeling. For anyone else who might read this thread lets let them know what we are talking about when we say "Anhedonia". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia I can really appreciate what you are talking about here. You don't feel depressed like you used to, but on some level you can't focus so well, nothing seems fun? Am I hearing you correctly here? I am sorry you don't feel you can talk to your parents, i think many teens feel that way all around the world. Is it true your parents really won't understand or be able to help? Is this your fear? (I don't know....I'm asking. You can just know the answer, you don't have to share it with me if you don't want to.) I'm sorry about the lack of mental health resources. I've been there as well. It can feel bad. ..kind of hopeless. What's awesome is you are here! You are still saying, "I can get tools and do this." Sounds to me like you are a fighter! I like fighters! Fighters can do anything when you give them the right tools! Fighters change the world. Its okay to have a day you can't enjoy things too. When I get there rather than saying why can't I enjoy x ? Now I do x and just let the feelings come and go. I don't judge them, I just go with it. Sometimes I give into them and feel them. I just sit with them even though its not so fun. Sometime I forget and catch myself having....fun. Funny how that works! The other thing I do when I can't find anything else fun to do or focus? I help other people. Maybe there is a friend who is experiencing the same thing you are and you both can help each other? When you listen to Leo's videos and get bored? Take a break. Get up, walk around, then sit back down and keep going? You're 15. 15 Year olds have a 15 minute attention span did you know that? When you're 16 it will be about 16 minutes unless you really want something really badly. That's normal. Its how teenage brains work. They are still growing. When something makes you feel and makes you angry or sad? I would pay attention to that thing and ask what about Leo's topic made you feel when you can't seem to feel any other time? Should you feel happy right now? I don't know. I don't know what you're living through right now. Maybe you shouldn't be happy? Maybe you should be feeling angry and sad and be questioning? You are. You must need to. What do you think about some of these things? Its okay to take your time, its okay to not answer back for awhile and think about it too. Is there another adult you can talk too? Are there resources for mental health you might not be aware of that another adult could help you find? Great question, you are braver and stronger than I suspect you think.

@Keyblade Viking - Tobias FYI the adding a name tag is the at symbol followed by the name without a space. It pulls up a drop down menu for you to click the name and then it inserts the name into the post. I'm still figuring stuff out and finding new things myself.

@ModernSage Great Book.

@ModernSage Great! I love that you add the turn around! The positive intention. You can also get creative with it. You can write poems, letters, great comment and insight that it takes dedication, time, and quiet.

I can concur with the observation there appears to be a flow pattern. Sam Harris Describes this, mystics and shamans, Christ consciousness folks, so many flavors of spiritual context and a rich fabric with the same common thread...love. We agree patriotism is misleading in its common usage today. I find precision with language to be an interesting thing, we appear to create the reality we write and speak. What we speak is quite literally the focus of our focus. Are we focused on solutions which advance evolutionary progression across multiple disciplines, world views, and contexts to find the common thread for coexistence and survival? Are we focused on precise language which facilitates that communication process effectively? Are we merely focused on advancing a world view we plan on taking no steps towards implementing? I am somewhat of a pragmatist. Ideas require actions for implementation. It appears a balance of positive focus, being in the flow, confidence in your own action, taking the action, then the flow reveals your alignment. (or lack of alignment if that is the case) Trying to tell a poet not to write about change is like telling a fish to walk. Giggles. I know words create change. I know working within political systems empowers we the citizens to be responsible for the government which was created to serve us rather than playing victim to it. Perhaps we who see the planet as a global community are attempting to shift politics towards awakening? Worse goals to live for! Why Poets poet. LOL Those videos? Lots of hours there and I am focusing in on Leo's course. I'm going to put it on my watch later videos and when I am doing research I can view them. Thank you for sharing them with me.

@Irina Irina Great question. @Anicko, great answers. I don't know if you have seen this video of Leo's on How to deal with negative emotions.... I usually listen to it at least once a day as I am really working on core childhood traumas. http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-strong-negative-emotions

You are welcome! @SenshiAna I don’t know if I really have an answer, I could offer some insights that jump out at me. “I am avoiding this friend for the feelings he makes me experience?” What are the feelings you experience when you are in his company? Can you list them for yourself on a sheet of paper? “I want him so much…” Do you know why? What about “him” makes you want him so much? Can you list that on a sheet of paper. Is it how he feels about you or how he makes you feel about you? If he doesn’t like you, who are you? Can you list that on a sheet of a paper? Who are you with him, and who are you without him? Do you still have the same worth now you think you will have if, since you “want” him. you “get” him? If you are not in his mind, you don’t know whether he likes you or not unless you communicate. That means risking rejection and that can be scary. When I get to this place? I personally want to know what is real. I would rather ask and hear I want to be friends, or I just want a one-night stand, I want a falafel, whatever… then, I can make up my mind, what I want as well. I look at it like. “I can’t lose what I don’t have,” so I try to communicate. I don’t know this man. He could be shy? He could be avoidant, he could just have social anxiety when it comes to talking to girls? In my observation being the girl that hangs out with lots of guys? It’s just as hard for men to ask women out, and ask all the relationship questions, as it is for women to do. I talk to lonely men every Friday evening at a social function who put on all this armor and then want to meet the girl of their dreams. Only way to get over rejection? Risk rejection. Sounds counter-intuitive I know, but sometimes we have to do counter intuitive things to break old patterns. By being brave enough to share with him how you are feeling you may open the door to a good conversation he doesn’t have the tools or courage to start? Maybe he is carrying around the exact same fears? In my direct experience in the beginning of relationships everyone is doing that nervous tango of wondering and hoping. But if you have the pursue, run dynamic going on, on both sides? That’s going to be a challenging tango. The cool thing about the tango when you get tangled up you can get untangled. You just re-frame your dance space. I met someone four months ago. He is a really intelligent man and we communicate about everything. We are also aware of my intimacy avoidance reactions which can kick in, so we do very specific eye contact exercises to work on that. Sometimes its uncomfortable. “Oh he’ll see in here and see I’m crazy and a train wreck and reject me.” So I will verbalize that fear. Instead he says yeah, you are out there that’s what I love about you.” Yeah, you are a train wreck, you should be right now, come here you, let me hug you. I got you, I’m here for you.” Time will tell. Honestly, it’s not a crazy "I want you" thing. It’s a "Wow I am just so content and I can be authentic with you even if I’m crying and healing and it’s a beautiful relationship." We’ve run into a few communication glitches, those were solvable. This over time is building built trust and confidence. I am grateful. Another thing I will throw out there? We are focusing on the relationship intimacy, not physical intimacy. That is a huge pattern shift and I find I retain more emotional clarity to examine if I can really trust this person with a more logical emotional process. I’m not saying everyone has to approach a relationship the way I do, I am not exactly the pillar of success, I’m hopeful. I’m learning so I’m hopeful. So my thought? What if you talk to him about all of this and see what he has to say? You will have more information that is real to work with? What do you think?

@SenshiAna The other thing I was remiss to mention, it can be very dangerous to self diagnose. Have you ever heard of the person who can read the DSM and then starts manifesting every illness out of fear? I think its fairly normal when we feel off balance or we have just been hurt to have issues with trust. So this friend? Is it a friend you are avoiding for a valid reason or an invalid one? Sometimes? Listen to your gut, you might want to not be intimate with this friend anymore. Are you tired? Do you just want a break? So you might want to do some more inquiry about it as well.

I think you might appreciate this, its one of my favorite Ted talks. I'm working on the intimacy thing and I have been very fortunate to find a few safe men both in a treatment setting and in my personal life to learn to rebuild trust and vulnerability with, which allows intimacy. Just a thought.

This goes in to my last post but I felt it was getting to long lol. Good morning @Keyblade Viking - Tobias, I love your long answer. Thank you. It shows me you cared enough to take the time to think about what I said and respond. Thank you for that. I have not seen “the video” by Leo you are referencing, so I cannot comment related to that video. Do people always tell other people the truth? No. Are there times when it is morally considered better to lie? (IE, Aunt Sue’s dress is horrible but you say what a lovely color so sue is happy because in the big picture does sue really need to hear her favorite dress is hideous so you feel you were truthful? It’s might be true to you; it’s not true to her, it’s not kind, it’s not necessary.) I try to ask is it true kind and necessary? Trust me, I fail quite a bit. But it is a mindful goal. To return to the topic of patriotism, is it true that @8LanguageStud was promoting a spiritual theory? It appears he offered a different hierarchy of actualization for consideration within the Patriotism paradigm which was relevant to the thread. He offered us a different progression to consider from the world we exist in as it is now; and the world we would ideally like to see tomorrow. He offered a different vision. By listening and taking interest in his vision, I could find the common thread between us even though we may differ on issues. By sticking to the issues, he now knows I respect him, as I do you. He knows it is safe for him be to be his authentic self here on this thread as do you, within appropriate agreed upon boundaries so everyone feels safe. If I belittle his ideas, I don’t take interest in him or his position, I just react. I can’t be very truthful when I’m reacting…it’s called re acting for a reason. Ego… I like how folks throw that word around like it’s an evil to be eradicated. I would ask you to consider ego from a different vantage point now that I have considered yours? If we return to the root, which generally appears by pattern more intuitively precise, once becoming energy manifested (gnosis) "the self; that which feels, acts, or thinks.” require ego to have passion, purpose and thus create. Now assume you are the child who was deliberately fragmented to the point of DID traits (Dissociative Identity disorder traits) from abuse occurring in infancy. Layer upon layer of walls built to protect a child from that type of trauma to include post traumatic amnesia. (Which by the way makes visualization challenging) Ego is your sense of self and your sense of self is fragmented. Unlike the individual who has a strong self of self or ego to the detriment of others, some of us have to learn to build an ego or sense of self so that we can move forward and progress. As for your spiritual position, while I respect it is your framework of understanding, I don’t share your position. Organism theory is an interesting theory to consider related to overall social actualization evolution. So to return to the patriotism focus of the thread and involve everyone, perhaps we can creative problem solve about the actualization process most optimal for survival of the human species and how this might change our social paradigms or framework of even understanding self. I actually had this conversation with a constitutionalist and we agreed on many things despite our differences of being labeled liberal versus conservative; religious versus agnostic. We both agreed people had to begin with internal change so they wanted to create voluntarily more giving paradigms in social systems. We both wanted to see more care balanced with pragmatism; a plan to get from point a to b. Let’s see what thoughts we can generate from others? I will add this TED talk to perhaps elevate our imaginations as to what reality might be or be becoming... Again, just ideas to ponder.

Day of the Vision Quest! My first passion? Dancing Inmates Sony Pictures. Some events alter your life forever. One morning my life was turned upside down. Meet my son Carl. So I have big visions! The first is related to criminal justice reform and services for inmates and inmate families. There are not many services available for inmates or their families and yet we have one of the largest incarcerated populations on the planet. I want to change that. People have many misconceptions about the criminal justice system. I want to change that. The media causes great harm to families and the accused with how they present crime news. This harm goes unnoticed because its not popular to advocate for the accused or the families/loved one's of the accused/offenders. I want to change that. Many people don't understand how the criminal justice system functions from multiple perspectives. As a former officer, a crime survivor, a mother of victims, a mother of an inmate, a former PI? I have a unique perspective based upon my direct experience. I think I can bridge the gap. This might mean writing something very personal and painful to help others. It might mean being rejected and disliked. I also blame myself, so I have lived in a prison of my own creation, doing time with my son. When your son gives you this message? You realize you have to stop and let all the pain you've ignored out. The goal today? Radical acceptance of what is. Mature Language.

Good Morning @Amplituda. Nice to meet you. You make some interesting observations so lets break them down and see how the might be true to me. Am I happy now? Sometimes yes, sometimes no throughout a day. Are there valid struggles in my life at the moment why I might be experiencing these ups and downs? Yes. Am I hyper self critical right now in this moment now? No. Might I become so in some other moment today? Perhaps, perhaps not. Fear? Yes I am fearful. With what I have just experienced the fear is a healthy fear which keeps one living on one level. Its being aware, wise and proactive to ensure physical and emotional safety from a toxic person who caused much harm and still could at any time if he so chose to do so. I am fearful because I experienced real traumas in life that taught me the world is not always a safe place. I wish it was, it isn't. I wish there was a formula to make sure bad things did not happen to good people. In my experience there is not. I reiterate this is due to my direct personal experiences, which have been rather traumatic and life long. My reality check? Several licensed mental health professional who reassure me I am not crazy and most folks who have lived through what I have would be institutionalized somewhere or dead, I have a 100% survival rate. Enjoy the process: I wish this was true. It sounds like it should be true, it would be nice. I'm not certain how you really examine core issues like sexual assault, domestic violence, crime, stalking, rape, harassment, a child in prison for murder and "enjoy" that process. I think that is rather unrealistic as an expectation. Let's say I can't enjoy examining those issues? Do I ignore them? What progress will I make then? In my experience wellness is a process; not a destination. You're always digging deeper. Sometimes? Sometimes that process is fun and rewarding, even exhilarating. Other times? Other times, if you are really honest, you are facing things about yourself that kind of hit you at that gut level which release emotions you've been holding in your body. Things that hurt. Things that you rage at, negative emotional you acknowledge in non self defeating ways so you don't harm yourself or others even emotionally or verbally. What I really did in the above was a free flow of thought in writing which allowed me to process as I was writing. Look at all I learned I was holding inside of me I got to release just right there? Look at the patterns I was able to break all day long having done this small journal in the morning? In the past two days, I may have moments I cry, but I'm not depressed. That's huge! I'm not obsessing and having "I can't in my heart." I'm hearing and learning I can. Maybe you have already asked tough questions and can enjoy where you are in your process at this moment in the now. That's wonderful and enjoy it. However I find self actualization is like an ebb and flow of non linear progression, some days it feels fun and you enjoy it, other days you learn to sit with pain and lots of unpleasant stuff that is not so enjoyable so you don't have to deal with it again, and again, and again through maladaptive behaviors leaking out. Someday? After I've sorted all my luggage I'm going to have a clean factory to build new cool shit in. So perhaps today's discomfort is worthwhile for tomorrows enjoyable process? Thank you for you comment.

Good Morning @Robert I love comics. I spent many hours as an only child with a flashlight in my closet, hidden among five foot stacks of them reading. Good for you! I like having multiple projects and multiple styles as well. I think that keeps it interesting. I like non fiction, poetry, social commentary, essays, but for my first focus on a "novel?" Science fiction. LOL I have a vision. Thank you for the best wishes, good luck with your work as well. I will keep the book in mind though, thank you.

@Sarper I really appreciated you pointed this out.

I think your question is a great question and I am not certain I have the answer either. I'm working on this myself. Here are some observations I have: I get depressed, I know that. My reaction? To withdraw and isolate. I think I am sparing these people my negativity, but at the same time I've hurt them by withdrawing and isolating. When I am depressed, Positive as in "fake cheerful"? It either just angers me or feels inauthentic. I have a group I socialize with on the weekends of very eclectic friends. People can be sad, happy, tall, small, and anything in between. Its positive because we all respect one another and one another's boundaries. We encourage and uplift one another. So positive as in, people in real life who will have your back? Those folks are keepers. I kind of agree with the cause no harm model, the take no shit I'm still working on.

Hi @Keyblade Viking - Tobias Is it really true that this is my "mind control" setting? I'm not certain. (The "mind control phrase" is a trigger for me, so I took a moment before responding. ) I know I can have a challenging time getting published because as a poet I use language like that. In fact, I can choose to swear like the good old soldier and cop I used to be and frequently do. In a forum? I try to have manners and be more formal until I have established relationships with people where I know where the boundaries are and show respect.. After some thought, I reacted the way I did perhaps because @8LanguageStud appeared at first blush to take a position which was different from many on the thread, but if one took the time to actually take an interest in what he was saying, he was making valid points about the evolution of systems. I want to ensure that everyone's views are respected even the one's I don't necessarily agree with; or that others don't agree with. I am not sure where the quantum leap came from about Haidt and sin? I know folks like Sam Harris take exception to Haidt's defense of religion, but here, in this context, we are talking about moral evolution. I kind of have this wee theory you can't wash your cast iron like you do your china. What IS real? Some folks are religious, some folks are spiritual, some folks are neither. Somehow we might be better serviced to find a way to tolerate one another and remember we are all not playing at the same level of the game? I don't find spirituality in and of itself divisive as much as I observe semantic issues. As was pointed out earlier, its helpful if we are all working with the same definitions, understanding, context. People in sub groups tend to have their own lingo, and things get lost in the translation. So after further reflection I don't think its a mind control issue on my part, I think its a respect issue I'm experiencing.

@Keyblade Viking - TobiasI have to concur with the observation your causation correlation seem to have taken a quantum leap...I mean I like chasing rabbits but that one went a bit a stray and I would suggest perhaps different language from here out on the thread. "Stupid," "Whoreshit," just derogatory and emotive, not a productive part of rational discourse. Is it really true Haidt or @8LanguageStud are stupid or implying what you asserted? That is the real key question? I don't know if its true and the impassioned language doesn't make it true it just creates a reaction which might keep folks from considering your view with openness. What are your thoughts? @Keyblade?

Good Ted talk, I agree with much of what he has to say. You might find this interesting. He may or may not be optimistic in his projections. However I suspect we are experiencing this very transition and consider the social applications and potential escalation of stress for those incapable of accelerated adaptation?

I find this interesting to contemplate. I'm a veteran, a disabled veteran at that. I really don't have a sense of patriotism in the entomological sense. I identify with the subset of Veterans. We all on some level identify with a subset. Family is a subset and can be blood or "adopted" "created" Tribe. Now I am not familiar with Haidt, so I can't comment directly upon the merits of his work. I personally would want to know him, cross reference him, really research in depth before I comments so I could so so with precision. However I found your post thought provoking. I found this thought provoking... My sums were all zero. 1. A its true. Just be kind and necessary when you say it. Its appropriate to be honest why do I need to be paid to be honest? 2. With consent, all the difference in the world I have learned of late. Its for a comedy skit why do I have to be paid to do it? 3. Each answer continues down the list the same. Money literally doesn't motivate me much, it never has. Even in sales when I was successful, like in Real Estate, it was from doing what was right. After eight years in the business I was one of the few agents with no ethical complaints on my license, something many of the highest producers couldn't say the same. So it seems the paradox is shifting a nationalistic for profit model system which is now self destructive and creating global imbalance into more global paradigm which facilitates equitable opportunity and distribution of existing resources and cares for the planet so we continue to exist and evolve as a species. By observation? That has to begin with the self. That is challenging to do within the existing system. The only way to transform that system might mean incurring discomfort. We seem to like to avoid discomfort and I am just of guilt of that as anyone else. I tmight mean doing things not for profit. If however his point is that a system goes through stages of evolution towards this ideal progression from "what is" to what "we wish was" I would have to revisit his model and the semantics within his model. It happens to fit with my topic of interest so thanks for sharing about his work I may do more research.

@Keyblade Viking - Tobias Hahah You know I was thinking about this very clip. Its so funny because I do this sometimes since its genetically accidental the Irish have perfected poetry and guilt into an art form. Ultimately in my heart of hearts I agree with Krishnamurti and more of a global community paradigm.

The 800 lb Elephant in my Head Space People Pleasing Here is how people pleasing is shifting in my life: I was taught Selfish = bad Its hard to give your self permission to be selfish if selfish = bad I was taught selfless = perfection Perfection was the minimal acceptable standard in my home growing up. I joke I was born a small adult; but I was an only child. It was true in so many ways. Fun? What's fun? Anything worth doing doing well or don't do it at all was the mantra in my home. No wonder I struggle with doing when it comes to creating? Then I learned there is no creation without imperfection. Stephen Hawking Really! Check him out. I realized I wanted male approval. I picked men who were impossible to please. Then I learned why it made sense I would select men impossible to please. This strategy of "I need a man/woman/job/event?" It never works. If only when I? Never arrives. Its the dangling carrot which keeps on sticking it too you. Nash's Equilibrium, the law of Governing Dynamics tells us this is a Zero Sum game. Self interest and then the interest of the group. A game played to conclusion players will cooperate/collaborate until it is no longer in their best interests to do so. Criticism: Criticism of my writing: I learned when I began putting work out there that my work was not neutral because it was authentic. I also learned reading was subjective. I could write A, someone read Z. Worse yet, since I post art and music with my work, they would like the image or the music, but never even read the piece. Some people, loved me or hated me. People read one poem, thought they knew me, read another, hated me. I had to re frame my thinking about public opinion. Now sometimes I cry, then I ask what is real and I get back on track. Other times I laugh. I see it for what it is. The more I practice the better it gets. Then I realized, I was writing about shifting social paradigms, emotional topics. I learned haters could be good for business. I learned "likes" had little value, but they were not in and of themselves of "value". If the source was an editor, a mentor, a person who's opinion had merit based upon direct experience I would then examine it. Sometimes I still retained my own style and thanked them for their input. Other times, I agreed with their advice and I brought this issue into my awareness and made small changes to shift the paradigm. Several times? I got self defeating and handled it horribly. Then I had to own my own bullshit and go apologize. I learned it worked out better than I feared it would. My mistakes really could be learning opportunities and not punishments. Occasionally I learned people I assumed I could look up, I could not. I got hurt. I had to remember that did not mean ALL people could not be trusted or wanted to hurt me. Currently? My emotional desire to care for others/support multiple efforts in the now moment writes checks my physical being cannot deliver consistently with my present infrastructure. I make mistakes, and most of them are in public. I find owning my mistakes despite my fear has resulted in better consequences than I fear. Its still challenging to do, its still scary. Its humiliating sometimes too. Owning my mistakes empowers me to not make them again. In my personal life? I am struggling to find the line between the private me and the public me. So I make my weekends for me and remember I do what I do for free. It okay to allow myself to take time off. I do not have to be there for others 24/7. After the media attention of my son and the public humiliation endured for years, that really felt like a public violation of my life. After what felt like a public break up ( an unpleasant feeling in and of itself) I'm not sure how much of my private me I want people to know in one sense now. I have issues posting celebrity things now because I know so much of it is not true. How do I do to others for success what was done to me when I know the harm it can cause? It appears successful people are subject to lack of privacy which is intrusive and I tend to think of that and pause wondering if fame and success is worth the platform it would give to effect change with a powerful story which opens me to ridicule at a core level? I don't assume some individuals will judge me, I know, based upon logic, many will. This is a huge fear. If your story is a success the more people to make fun of you. (Just look at the memes we create and laugh at today?) I now have challenges sharing that kind of content. It attracts viewers, but is it really true kind and necessary? I don't know? Can I write poem being unkind to someone I don't agreed with to be funny like I used to without being unkind to someone I don't know? Is it true? Being open about anything sexual as a female author opens you to much inappropriate contact by men. They are angry if you can't answer each one of them and think you are aloof when you are simply too busy to answer every email and still create. It's as though you become the archetype for every attractive intelligent woman that said no, and made them somehow feel less than." Then there are the men who are sexually inappropriate or sometimes even frightening. Its hard for me to own my full femininity in my work because I fear it makes me more of a target based upon my past direct experience. On the flip side, posting no sexual side of myself makes me appear like the ice princess versus the person protecting their private life and it also makes my work inauthentic in my core creative being. I'm not certain how to resolve this and still feel safe? Another fear? Re-harming others telling my story which means telling their story and asking ethically if those stories are mine to tell? How do I tell my story and not cause harm to anyone involved but get people to examine challenging interconnected social issues which impact each of us? I struggle with how I'm perceived by people who's opinion I cannot change. Mostly family. Mostly family who I never will be capable of pleasing regardless of what I do. Am I seeking the wrong people to please? I'm learning selfish coupled with effective interpersonal communication works better. I'm new at it so I still have "oops." Is my ideal image who I am or who I think others want me to be? This I could inquire more about. Where is the line between being one's authentic self and causing harm to others in doing so? It's not a linear process, so I find when I am working on this sometimes I go to the other extreme in an inappropriate way. Then I feel badly about me. I'm afraid I'm an asshole so I work really hard not to be one. I feel regret when I cause harm to others. I sacrifice my agendas for those of others. Now I am aware I have a challenge with "I want." So today I am focusing on figuring out what I want. Perhaps if I know what I want? Perhaps I will learn how to say no and care less about what other people think of the authentic me? Perhaps someone else can relate to some of these things and can share observations or perspectives that helped you over come people pleasing?

Good Morning Robert, Nice to meet you. What genre do you write? I have not read The Anatomy of a Story by John Truby. Thank you for the heads up about the book! Hahaha I rebel against "musts" "Be like water..." Master Bruce Lee My favorite word feature when writing poetry? Ignore rule.

Hi JJer94. Thank you for sharing your observations. I appreciate your engagement. Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you should do one thing over another, when you've probably have been doing that most of your life, and it hasn't worked. This quote explains the phenomenon well: "Anytime you’re practicing renunciation, you’re deluded. How about that! You’re deluded. What are you renouncing? Anytime you renounce something, you are tied forever to the thing you renounce... The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands." -Tony de Mello Don't try to convince yourself that social media or any of the things you think are 'distractions' are bad just because some people say they are. Instead, understand why you feel so drawn towards these distractions. What do you get from them? Go on Facebook and ask yourself that question. Be honest with yourself. Let yourself indulge, and then figure out why you feel so inclined to indulge. When you understand the magic trick for what it is, it won't be so exciting for you anymore. To be honest, what I get from them might sound odd to most folks. LOL I observe patterns. I find the serentypical pulse of the cosmic consciousness which lets me see my subtle positives and my more subconscious negatives. Its a looking glass of the light and the shadow. (My wee theory) Now we will just default to I'm a poet. There is a fine line between poetic genius and insanity. LOL I think I flirt with the line? That said, the social media has been "the should." Writing a book has become "the should." I suspect after more inquiry I'm seeking absolution for crimes I've perceived I've committed or been unjustly accused of committing and accepted as a part of the perpetual martyr thing. LOL So really you see a poet processing out loud. If I was going to go on social media, I would go onto Weare8. Its in beta and its more full of creative eclectic positive people. While there is not much interaction there is an environment that provokes feeling and that feeling leads to release and healing and creative inspiration. Even that is sometimes a trigger and so my therapist and I have actually agreed limiting social media use right now, as I prepare for EMDR, is optimal. Facebook is a trigger for me. I met my husband on Facebook. I lost friends, its not fun, its work. It still feels unjust and like another horrible thing happened and it was my circus and my monkeys in public. The other day if I had gone to Facebook when I was triggered, twitter when I was triggered, I t would have been worse; I would have focused on the negative and accused myself with it; my default. So when in shadow, one sees the shadow. (Again, my wee observation to date.) Its not enjoyable like in the past. Its managing cats while chasing sad rabbits. So frankly I've been working fourteen plus hours a day, going in circles. I'm not certain I agree with renunciation means delusion. To renounce use of opiates when one is an addict is healthy for example. I don't know if that is a "true" statement or not? No disrespect to Tony De Milo but I would have to do some meme muckery with that. Do we know that renunciation always is delusional? Do we really know that is true? I suspect it more true if we face our inauthentic issues we find our core issues? Once I identify that I am drawn to a distraction, then perhaps I can focus more on the core issue by eliminating distractions which only further distract from me finding the core issues versus an activity like this which forces me to more actively engage in that self inquiry with support and sound reality checks? I think I arrived at that point this morning. Rather than looking at negative media I did a creativity test and had more fun than I've had in awhile. I like sharing positive outcomes as well as negative struggles, I think that allows others to benefit as well. Thank you so much for your comment and I look forward to any response you may have.

Today my goal was simple. CHOOSE TO BE happy. Take personal responsibility for my OWN happiness. Learning to realize I do like something about me. To choose to do what I wanted to do, what would make ME happy versus what I felt like I should do. I have issues sleeping and my normal routine would be to get up at 3am and then get on social media and start promoting causes, curating content, signing petitions, encouraging others I see in need in my feeds, campaigning, in other words, doing doing, doing for others. I would beat myself up for not writing or being published, then add all the other things I have done "wrong" since the origins of birth; add all the negative things anyone unkind ever said to me, and finding myself guilty. I feel like a failure because I am not financially independent, or because I did this wrong, or that wrong.... Like get off the cross we need the wood? So today I began my day at 3 am taking a MOOC Class on daily creativity. I spent the rest of my day focused on the forum, self actualization videos, and stopped all the doing to just be and realign with what is versus thinking an imaginary end point is the be all and end all of happiness. When I do inquiry I begin to learn I am healthier than I assume, its normal to feel the way I do based upon my experiences but I don't have to remain stuck there. I began to refocus on strengths and learn to change weaknesses to strengths. I see what really matters are the people in my life in physical reality that care for me now, who support me now, and I can just be each day and base choices on my wants versus spinning from a space of need. Based upon my experience thus far today, I have been happy versus depressed even though I have faced interesting behaviors of mine which can be self defeating. I will be interested to observe if this continues. I watched the "How to Stop Judging Yourself" video by Leo and learned I had the issue of believing I was lazy, and a critical mother so becoming a people pleaser who must be selfless. My children still expect me to be the selfless mother or I am the horrible mother. (splitting) So I have learned why I don't allow myself to just be happy. All the rules I have about reality to be a perfect person. The source of the shame, I feel guilty all the time. I am going to do the exercise. All in all a good day thus far.