Kelley White

Hi @OceanJjb Nice to meet you. I hear you. I hear you concern and your fears. I would like to meet you where you are right now and let you know I understand that fear. I was a CNA. I've done hospice and dementia work. I'm going to be 54 this year. I understand the fear of being alone and dying alone. I also understand the very real fear of aging and of death. I understand how demotivating it can be. You have stated your partner will die sooner than you. Is your partner ill currently? What leads you to be certain that your partner will die sooner than you? Age? That's the first thing I'm wondering? When we become aware of our own mortality? We become aware of the mortality of those close to us. My mom is concerned about these very things right now for bother herself and her husband. I have had periods where I feel the same way; I know other women right now in my own life struggling with this. Its a challenging thing to struggle with. I want to acknowledge that so you know I hear you and I know how scary it is. I personally am going to diverge from some of the advice of the other posters and suggest the book "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarisa Pinkola Este's PHD. Its an amazing book of women's knowledge and oral tradition gathered from around the world and it deals with many of the predominant female archetypes. You can usually even find it in libraries around the world. The crone stage is where we come into our wildness and our wisdom and we can dance under the moon in hidden groves. (I know men get nice names, we get crone...but run with it. LOL) This is another life cycle you are entering. I personally think grieving lost youth is a normal part of the life cycle. Its okay to visit. Are you going to camp there until its time? That becomes the true question. I personally am facing the same struggle. What's the point when death awaits us all? I have only come up with one answer I can live with. Love. Until I am dead, I can love, I can be of service to others. Its the only answer I can arrive at that is 100% true. I don't know what your interests are when you feel less focused on the death question? I don't know what your faith is, or what your framework is for understanding life. What I do know? The minute I can get outside of my head and focus on helping someone else? I focus less on the fear of dying. Another option might be hormones. When you get older? Our system dumps estrogen and when it does that? You not only get some nice hot flashes but they come with panic attacks. You can wake up with them due to how your hormones work. I know nice way to start the morning. Something some of the younger ladies here may not be aware of yet. A visit to the doctor for a hormone level check and potential options might be enough to get you back on track. Being postmenopausal can lead to the same issues. I know because I dealt with that for about ten years. So I would recommend the book, I have not watched it yet but I am fairly confident Leo has a video about death in the free video section, so you might check that out. Otherwise I would recommend the other book and checking your hormone levels with a doctor as a place to start. Thoughts from a wee poet. LOL Take what works, get rid of what doesn't. I wish you the best. I really do.

Thank you @ModernSage. These look like they might be very good tools. I have to get read for an appointment now, but when I come back I will try to check them out before I get back to coursework. Thank you so much for sharing them.

@rrodriguez11 @Avi @Abeo Maria @Andrew @Aldo Marchand Great thread. I really enjoy your comments and observations. Some thoughts I've been throwing around related to people pleasing, my favorite mistake. LOL Let's say my passion, my heroic journey is being of service. Being of service is done from a place of consent and usually done from a space on non entitlement. It does not interfere. It does not insert itself without consent. It says I find you capable to resolve for yourself unless you ask for my help. It has limits/healthy boundaries which are respected. So in say Law enforcement you arrive, assess; will my actions make the situation better or worse? What is my business, what is the business of the others involved? What are the potential outcomes based up on different actions and one must do it within seconds. Life and death may depend upon it. You analyze, you also revert to conditioned training, feel and go. Other times? Its none of your business and you leave. You say not my tea party not my rabbits per the law. I'm not certain thinking prior to acting is preferable to feel and go without thought? Now in my professional life I was stellar at it. I had the law, I knew the rules to play by. In real life? My passionate heart wrote checks my good intentions couldn't cash. I am now learning to say no, learning to say yes but wait, and learning to save myself the guilt of being overbooked and incapable of delivering. I have to agree with many of the folks above, its hard to sustain in-authenticity very long. Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Who you are shouts out loud." People tell us who they are we just don't always want to believe them by my experience. At least I'm guilty as charged. LOL The only thing I would differ slightly with is that being scared, anxious, or nervous means your relationship with yourself is based upon fear. This is true in one context, so it may be meant in that context. However all of these feelings can also be valid and indicative of being in an unhealthy environment or situation, and perhaps its best to ask which is the case before just assuming that is unrealistic or abnormal and originating from within? My last observation is, the only time I really fear I appear I come across inauthentic is when I am worried about what others think of me. Now I know I am in Mind Reading land. Usually coming back to what is, or asking for a reality check makes it dissipate. My wee observations. Thank you for a really good question, and great thread everyone.

@Ryan_047 Wonderful. Its late morning here. So yes, I will meet you here tomorrow and you can tell me how it went. Try to get a good night's rest as well. I hope you are reading something fun/interesting?

@Ryan_047 Thank you. I'm glad you thought about it. I would not want you to do it unless it would be helpful to you. Now its a win/win for both of us. So today I will read at least fifteen minutes the book for Leo's class. If you want to do it now? Go ahead and do it now. I have a certain amount of time I spend in the forum and then I have an appointment. So I can do my reading this afternoon. I say just set the best fifteen minutes aside to read that works for you.

@Ryan_047, Awesome! I like reading and I have a book I am reading for Leo's course. Thank you. You would be helping me. (Remember, I am right where you are, and I'm an adult. I don't think much is fun and I have a challenging time focusing as well. My thought was if we help each other? If we are accountable to each other "hey yeah, I'll try this thing? " we are both more likely to do it? What do you think? Helpful? Not helpful for you? I find sometimes its just nice to know someone is willing to do something with you as support. Encouragement. I don't know if that is helpful for you or not?

OKAY @Ryan_047 Well,I liked coding,reading,playing video games,or study psyhchology and body leanguage.I am forcing myself to code every night but I can't focus more than 30 minutes and if I take a pause I become very lazy and don't want to continue anymore.Even so,sometimes I feel a little bit of pleasure..but very very little pleasure and it lasts for a few seconds.Today I spent some time outside,and I felt like nothing changed. Great! I hear you like: Coding Reading Video games Study either psychology or body language. You're forcing your self to code 30 minutes and getting very very little pleasure. Which means you are getting a mustard seed of pleasure right? An itsy bisty one. Now you're 15 so you have a 15 minute attention span. You are pushing your self 15 minutes beyond your attention span! Awesome for you! You might be being harsh calling yourself lazy when you are 15 and forcing yourself to go 15 minutes beyond what is average for your age? You might be above average if you are going above and beyond? What do you think about my observation? Do you want to reward yourself with 15 minutes of gaming, reading or study? You pick, I'll commit to do the same activity for fifteen minutes and we can check back tomorrow and see how it went. What do you think about that? You want to try it?

Hi @Jonathanz Nice to meet you. Thank you for asking your question. My practical way for coping with envy is to do self inquiry which allows me to find the source of my perception of lack. Then I do the turn around and find things I am grateful for. I learn to appreciate what I have. I remember there was a time I had to have resources too survive, now I can be dependent and take care of me. I remind myself this can become entitlement which is an unkindness to others since it lacks communication and consent. I've also observe envy appears to be generally based upon a construct in my mind, not reality. I perceive someone else's reality as superior or of more value than my own due to an arbitrary assignment of value which is really a reflection of my own unmet desires. Just my observation but I'm a wee poet. ) Sometimes you find out the life you envied is not a life you would wish to live. Jealousy to me is an indicator I fear loss/abandonment in a relationship. If I am secure in the trust of the relationship why would I feel jealous? I don't normally struggle with jealousy, so for me when I experience it, its a red flag something else deeper is going on. Just my thoughts take what works, what doesn't, find something that does. LOL For someone who struggles with jealousy all the time, they may have a different approach. Now I know Leo has video's on jealousy, I have not watched them yet. This doesn't tend to be a huge area of struggle for me at present so my focus is on other things. You might try going to the Video's section and watching that video though to see what tips and tools he offers. Again ,thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck as you work through this.

@ModernSage I've not looked at all of you links yet, but you have used many videos which are favorites of mine as well. Thank you for this really awesome share. Its funny last night I was thinking about sharing the Sagan Video with Ryan as well. @Ryan_047 I hope you are having a better day today. I started the day with Leo's Deeper Mediation video. So I was thinking...what is one thing you used to think was fun or you were passionate about doing which you could do today even though you might not feel like it?

The only thing I can share with you are experiences from my life. I'm mentally ill. At one time I was an addict. I was a medically induced addict who went on to pursue opiates to get through a very challenging traumatic emotional event in my life. I understand this, and I am learning to forgive me for causing harm to me and to others. I am not that same person anymore. I've changed. People can change. Its are they willing to change? When they do change? Are we willing to let go of their past and embrace their change? That is a trust issue. I have some children who feel I caused the harm and they prefer to not have a relationship with me, to trust me. They think of the me I was, not the me I am now. That is a logical consequence of my actions as an addict. While this causes me some pain? I understand they do not at this time seek resolution, and I respect that they are strong enough to say, "You are toxic to me, so I choose to care for me." In some strange way, it lets me know that despite any mistakes I made as a mother? I imparted to them a strong enough sense of self, they would do what is in their highest and best interest. I broke a generational pattern. They may or may not ever choose to decide to seek resolution. I choose to accept that. I love them and just want what is best for them. Right now being around me is not best for them. That's okay. There are times I fight it. I suffer then. I suffer from the "family should versus my family is... " What is real? I have other young people who do value me and I can focus on helping them or missing an illusion of what should be. (Trust me, I do this often. LOL) I have a challenging relationship with my mom. Sometimes we did not communicate. Some of those times, she felt I was toxic; some of those times, I felt she was toxic. Now we've grown and we have a wonderful email relationship. We don't expect one another to talk on the phone, we might trigger one another in real time and react. Instead we email so we can take time and pause, really think before responding. As a result, we are now very close. Some folks would think this an odd relationship. For us it works. Who cares what someone else thinks it should look like? You can only effectively communicate with someone capable of effective communication. When they don't communicate effectively, when they don't respect boundaries then I have to agree, no contact and keeping yourself healthy and safe seems the best course. I do it. I always struggle with it. I don't like being rejected, unforgiven, misunderstood, so its hard for me to cut someone toxic out. I want to think since I have changed that others can choose to change as well. That said? I also know when I get to the point I'm done? I can be pretty confident I've done everything I can to try to avoid being done. No now? Doesn't mean no forever. It might just mean make some distance for now and revisit it later to see if you feel differently or dynamics change. It might mean shutting the door and keeping it shut. You will know when and what you are ready to do...when you do it.

@A way to Actualize Great share.

Good Morning @uriel india. I had an issue with smoking cigarettes and I quit several months ago. I actually quit during a very stressful time of my life. I don't know if this will work for you or not. I found when I really realized I was doing something harmful to me as a reaction to stress? It seemed illogical. Then I just focused on how smoking a cigarette made me feel. Once I brought into my awareness how I felt as I smoked? Even though ti was something I thought I enjoyed I realized I did not like the taste, I could feel my muscles stiffen, my blood sugar drop. I would crave sugar or caffeine. Then I noticed it actually made me feel ill. I eventually quit when I had a cold and lost the desire altogether. Now I just remind myself when I get that craving I can just say, "oh, that is a random thought, interesting, I haven't craved one for awhile. What's that about?" Then I let it go and do something else. Marijuana, that is an individual preference and each person has to do what they feel best. I know folks who are not productive when they smoke. Myself, I am productive when I smoke. I have a medical card, I'm under the care of a doctor, I stick to a specific dosing. It works better for me then anti-depressants without the side effects. It also helps me eat, since most of the time eating is not even a priority for me. For you? It might be an issue and you might want to address it. Have you spoken to a few doctors, done any research? You might do that. Have you observed a difference in your behavior for the worse when you smoke versus the better? I remain open; I talk to my doctors. If some day I get to a place I no longer seem to need medicine of some sort, we can take steps to go there. Like you, I don't seem to be at that place yet, So I can either beat myself up or accept where I'm at. That is huge! You made a personal commitment and you stuck to it. Even though you feel like you are not "there", (where is there by the way?) how does that feel to be meditating and keeping that commitment to you? As far as self actualization? Self actualization is a life long process. Its an internal evolution if you will. Its not, by my observation, a linear process. You are here. That is the biggest step, getting to a space where you can be authentic and do the inquiry for you to arrive at the best answers for you. I wish you the best of luck and support while working through this.

The awkward moment you do self inquiry and realize you were doing more "right" than you gave yourself credit for..... The two edged sword of living within the meditative state. You can live within the meditative state? Yes. If someone tells you its all bliss? They are full of shit. Run Forest Run! If you've suffered severe trauma(s) you might live in a hyper vigilant state. You might be hyper aware. Awareness might not be your problem. Content focus might be your problem. I suspect by observation for the past few months content focus or lack of focus is more than likely my issue. (Example, as a violent crime victim and a former officer/trained soldier I am hyper aware in public settings to include using proximics. (Body placement, spacial awareness.) I am hyper focused on exit points and walls for safety, who is near me and why. The issue? My focus is built on a belief that public and people = harm; a paradigm reinforced by law enforcement experiences and other direct experiences in my life. Is this always true? No. I have functioned from within a meditative state, but my focus revealed subconscious paradoxes and creative realities both positive and negative which were subsequently manifested in reality as a result of my focus. Thus my observation became once I functioned from a meditative state, if I was focused upon fear, I saw fear in every pattern I observed. I, the observer, created the effect. In turn, if my focus was love, releasing all other content, the pattern I observed was love. I, the observer, created the effect. The second thing which came to me this morning, I am trained to observe and report. Since my youth I have been, due to disassociation, detached; observing, synthesizing and reporting through a creative emotive medium; mostly poetry. This was a skill later honed as an officer and private investigator. It was our job to observe and report and the quality of our observation and reporting impacted the outcome of justice. Its considered arrogant by some to say you are smart. I'm smart. I spend most of my time observing, meditating and sometimes I lose focus and chase the wrong rabbits/content. That can be an emotional roller coaster. When you are smart, lots of things interest you. You are curious. So you chase all content about one topic so you can see every-man's position. Perhaps the reason I can think of at least six impossible things before breakfast is I am willing to listen all day and observe the patterns the universe is sending me and then mediate upon what the focus of the message is? I am happy when I see my kind attributes; I am sad or ashamed when I see my own hypocrisy and that is when I know this is the area I have to focus on content filtering and correct my own internal course. Embrace the lesson take corrective action. Sometimes I forget and I punish myself. I will do this until I become aware, and then I can shift focus back to correction so the pattern is broken. I have expanded both my framework of understanding and my scope of listening beyond and do so every day. (No alien emoticon available) I want to know what makes this apparent plane of reality tick.? How does this reality fit into other realities? That's just how my brain ticks naturally. Its my creative idea of fun. (Again, no alien emoticon available) Thinking about space, and time travel, and stories; researching sciences and philosophy,so many interesting topics so little time. Focus can become challenging when it comes to completion; especially when you are genuinely interested in chasing so many different rabbits. Perhaps all those rabbits end up weaving into a more interesting story? (Again, no alien emoticon available) I believe stories can change the world. They have. Just think of stories that have impacted your life? Stories require vision, research, work, imagining; they are in one sense the ultimate meditative indulgence. That awkward moment you find out you may be wiser than you credit yourself for, you just have to focus your lenses better.

Good evening @DanoDMano ! Now I must confess that smelling roses is relevant. In the summer, I garden and tend and dry my roses for soaps and medicines. I am however the girl that can immerse herself in hours of research and think about multiverses and futurism, all kinds of things and its fun. For me the "what is real" question I like to take to the next level, the physics level. I'm interested in exponential social change, string theory, what the future will look like. I am very interested in Pearce and abolitionism. I have a mentor that nicknamed me a Cray mainframe. Its a party in here. "Why I can think of at least Six impossible things before breakfast. " Lewis Carroll.

It wasn't before. It might be now! @Leo Gura

@Ryan_047 Sleep is good. If you get 8 hours your brain rewires itself. If you don't sleep so well it can't do its job. Sleep is good. Moms usually worry more if they don't know. Medicine for bad illness is different then medicine for awhile to help your brain chemistry. So maybe think about that and see if you feel differently tomorrow? I am sorry to hear about your grandfather, when we use medicine the wrong way? Yeah it can hurt us. I regret that you experienced that. Good for you. I'm going to start Leo's video over, so I don't cheat, and virtual hugs are always good. Hugs back and thank you. You get some rest.

Leo's Mediation Link http://www.actualized.org/articles/mindfulness-meditation

Hi @Ryan_047 so it sounds to me like you have some reasons to feel the way you do. Dad's sick Money awareness Exams Probably Mom is stressed as well? You are 15. That's what moms and dads do. They care about their 15 year old. Adults also get busy and caught up in adult stuff. Medicine for the short term might be very helpful. It might be something you need. That is a decision your parents should make and you might want to rethink talking to them so they can help you. I bet they would like to help you if they knew. I don't know, I might be wrong, I don't know them. Maybe going to the doctor and letting the doctor decide is good? Why would your parents think you were going crazy if they caught you meditating? What do you do when you are mediating? You known some folks think you have to do lots of special things to meditate. That's not been my experience. You have a computer...do you have headphones? Youtube meditation music and you look like any other teenager with headphones plugged in listening to your music. The internet can be a great support system. Someone is there 24/7. Technology rocks! Secret? I'm right there with you? The fun thing? Its work at first. Now I could lie to you and say oh, this learning to have fun thing is going to be all fun? Its not. Sometimes you have to start by doing something uncomfortable. Frustrated. Frustrated is good. You identified the emotion. You are frustrated with feeling the way you feel. Good! Want to scream? Scream into your pillow in your bedroom if you can. Go into the woods or somewhere where you can scream and scream. Violent? Injustice and rage can get you there rarely, its what you do with it. I used to buy my kids used or broken dishes from thrifts stores and let them throw them or wear goggles and smash them with a hammer. (You have to clean up after yourself though. LOL ) Punch your bed. Get the energy out in a way you get to feel better but you don't hurt your self or someone else. Take one thing you don't feel like doing and make yourself do it. Don't judge the feelings that arise, just commit to do it. If you start and you don't get all the way through or have fun, give yourself permission to say "that's okay" and give yourself credit for doing it anyway. That's huge. Its more than many will do in a lifetime. Other than that? How about this? I am going to post this link to Leo's Mediation Tips and Techniques? You listen to it. I will leave the forum and I will listen to it and do it with you even though I can't be there with you. Then when you feel this way, you can come back here and listen to Leo's mediation video and meditate. Sound like one good first step you can take with me?

I think when it comes to multiple partners the courtship, the decisions...they are all made transparently as a group with consent and renegotiation every step of the way. It requires excellent communication skills. I don't think I can own another, or that another can own me. I can give them the gift of me, I can accept the gift of them. The "mine" thing? Looking at the divorce rate? It just doesn't seem to work. I don't know if this will work either? But so far? I love each person in that relationship even if its not sexual love.

I think some men might view it that way. Interestingly enough, you never know they dynamics which may lead to such a relationship. Its not about ego, its about consent. Its about being independent so you have a wholeness to offer the larger group. Its interdependence versus co-dependence. Multiple partners might equate to feeling very responsible to remain worthy of their time and attention by avoiding that very notion. Its not about sex, its about relationship. The ego equates multiple women to sex. Aren't I special? My observation. The spirit looks at multiple partners period and now you must be like water and work with one another. How can I be of service to those I love and in doing so, my needs are met as well? Just some thoughts. I'm not advocating for it or against it, just pointing out its often portrayed this way but its not actually that way in all dynamics.

@Ayla Right there with you. Thank you. Frankly I wholly lacked the courage to bring this one up! Its been teaching me I'm not a jealous person, I've been learning to communicate and I've had to get over tons of fears and conditioning about love and relationships. I've thus far found it healing. Its actually facilitated my self actualization. They told me, stop doing. Just be for awhile. Create a life in reality. They support me in taking Leo's course and doing this because they genuinely want to see me come into my full potential. I have to say its for me the most loving paradigm I've experienced. Not at all what I had feared, or expected. My dynamics are different, but I am not going to out my family so to speak without their consent. Thank you for posting this. Really helps me with feeling like I have to hide apart of myself.

You're welcome @Keyblade Viking - Tobias, Thank you. I am glad you liked it and I have enjoyed getting to know everyone and learning from both you and @8LanguageStud

You might find these studies helpful in making an educated decision based upon science. http://cannajournal.com/2014/01/16/cannabis-for-treating-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

@Egdis Thank you for your question. I am a disabled veteran and and I have PTSD and fybro. I was on meds for years, they did not work. I have a medical cannabis license and use it under a Doctors supervision. My awareness as a former opiate addict is that even though this is a healing plant it can be abused. Thus I use dosing and I don't exceed a certain usage per month. I treat it like medicine. In turn the benefit is it opens my ability to feel. It helps me focus and be creative, it alleviates much of the panic and anxiety. Under normal circumstances in my life it alone with proper diet and mindfulness has proven successful. I struggle sometimes with being okay with this. Its unorthodox in approach for may. For me, what worked mattered. Not what others thought. I want wellness and that is different for each person. I had an ex with a cocaine issue. Its a challenging addiction to deal with. Your brain depletes your dopamine system making it challenging to ever achieve those same euphoric states without the drug. You crash several days after, nasty depression in that valley there. The paranoia? My observation is that is a mindset. If I am in a negative head space I am more likely to stray that way. Being aware? Don't do anything impulsive becomes my mantra. (Sometimes I fail. I try to own it right away when I see it.) Get a reality check. Stay away from social media or subjective mediums until you correct your head space or take time outs. So if you are in a place where marijuana is legal and you can do this under the care of a doctor it might be a good option for you. If it is good for you, go for it. Do what works. Its better than killing yourself with something that you already know doesn't work. Maybe someday, we get to a place we don't need to go there. That would be ideal. But for now, I say accept what is and what works.

@Amplituda Hi. No, a thank you is a gift, not a necessity. Agree with line one I disagree with all this leaves little room for me. The above is processing. Its what writers do. I simply transparently share it here for two reasons; Accountability which makes me more focused and consistent Helping others. By doing all three I figure out who I am and find out who I am just as much as when I sit in quiet, or I write poems or create art, or engage in any other healing activity. So I don't find your last observation wholly accurate related to me personally. This, I am aware of. I love physics, I love time travel, so I study time, light, astro mechanics, numerous topics and meditations, writings, which led me to arrive at this same conclusion. (At least until we have new science which may or may not continue to validate it) Now the last, I do believe that was the conclusion I came to above and articulated above. LOL So I am scratching my head trying to understand Sometimes? Its breathe, cry, live, breathe, smile, breathe cry, breath cry, breath smile live. Sometimes its some other pattern. I don't agree answers just come to us. If they did, folks like Leo wouldn't work years to create a course which meant reading materials and watching lectures and learning for hours. Leo obviously breathed and did some hard work. Leo obviously had days he did not do much more than breathe, or maybe breathe and cry and live. I don't know, I'm just going by some very authentic videos where he shares his struggles. I have had more clarity doing this for the past three days than in the past two and a half years. So here? I can't agree with you about it won't work, its working. Perhaps it wouldn't work for you? That's okay. For me? I'm going to listen to Leo, do the course, keep doing what is working. Thank you so much for your kind words about my son. I am so proud of the man he has become today. He is in an honors unit, he fund raises with other inmates for charities in the community, he studies and now he teaches me things all the time. I get to skype with him, I get a picnic once a year, so I feel very fortunate compared to many inmate families I know. I don't get as much as I would like, but I'm thankful for the time we do get. I love him, he's my baby boy. I know he loves me. I'm thankful he's alive. Very kind of you to take an interest and very healing. Thank you.