Kelley White

Nerd, I love the term nerd. Great film "Revenge of the Nerds," they turned out to be the people who really made cool shit happen. Now, as a sapio-sexual, I require nerdom. We are entering the Age of the Nerd. Technology is where its at now! Turnoff? Manipulation. Think would you want a woman to manipulate you or lure you on false pretenses with a staged page? I mean you can choose to do it, but I've not seen it be successful over the long term. As a woman I actually avoid the whole selfie thing but online I want men to focus on engagement with me the being, not me the object they create in their head space. As a poet, people can fall in love with who they think I am, and I am not that person at all. Its just who've they've constructed in their mind. So you post this great profile, you get heaps of girls. Statistically one will bite if you troll long enough. Problem is? Now what do you do with "her", now you've built a foundation upon manipulation? How many more manipulations will you need to sustain the first ones? How long will it be before your entire relationship is found on manipulations you cannot sustain and your authentic you is discovered? What do you want in a woman? You want a fellow nerd do you can be your authentic self and know you're valued for your authentic self? Do you want a girl that would fall for a manipulation? I'm not you, I don't know what you want or why. I'm wondering if you know what you want or why? This might be a good place to start. Leo's got great videos and a relevant reading list. Perchance the girls in engineering are just as lonely as the "dudes?" I post about science, nerd and geek stuff. Your tribe is out there... be you. I've never been on tinder, I can't speak to it. I tried watching all of the video on creating profiles? I couldn't get through it. I can't fathom the thinking. Its seems just so much easier and less work to be honest and authentic than craft a persona? That's me. The best thoughts a wee poet can offer at the moment. It may not be what you wanted...a way to fish the seas...but it might prepare you for a pearl when you find one. Quality with precision and authenticity.

Hi @Pamela Zamora, nice to meet you. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I hear you saying you fear that he might be a danger to himself or others. If you are saying you are seriously concerned he could commit suicide I would call the appropriate authorities. Depending on where you live they can get him an assessment to determine if in fact he is a danger to himself or to others. (My law enforcement and emergency service training is coming out here. ) @Ayla is correct, you can't make him come back and do" the right thing". What is the "right thing" for him? I understand this feeling. I have a son in prison. Prison is not a nice place. I worry about my kid. Is that a reasonable thing to have a concern over? It must be or I wouldn't feel concerned. I have to accept I have no control over his safety at all. Some days I do better with that than others. Your dad is in a manic phase and his conduct will be high risk/impulsive/potentially self destructive or violent? It sounds like a valid concern based upon your past direct experience? If he does not have conduct bad enough to merit you getting him professional intervention? Now you focus on you and protecting you from his actions. Its also alright to admit a family member is toxic for you at the moment and allow them to walk their own path and set firm boundaries so your paths don't intersect. Real or not real? It certainly feels real when your life is in chaos due to allowing some of his actions into you life; and you can choose to dismiss the guilty thoughts and focus on your own wellness and growth. (Also easier said than done at times. ) Its challenging at first when we are used to taking responsibility for someone else, to focus just on ourselves and allow then to take responsibility for themselves. Just asking the questions you are now? You are on the path to making that shift for yourself. I wish you the best and I hope your father can get some help. In the interim I suggest radical acceptance of what is. If that means grieving the loss of what you hoped for your dad? That's okay too.

@Natalya, Hi. Nice to meet you. I can see you have already received some excellent feedback and suggestions from everyone. There is one thing I might offer and that is effective interpersonal communication within those relationships when those fears arise. I have abandonment issues, I'm aware I have triggers. I make sure each different relationship is aware of the triggers which might impact that relationship. If triggers arise, sometimes I remove myself, identify what is going on, ask if its me or them, and if its me? I can realign me and they never even are aware there was an issue since the issue was in my mind. If its them? Then I can go back when I am in a more centered emotional space and effectively communicate to get validation in a healthy way to learn its okay to trust, not everyone will abandon you. I also after much reflection and struggle realize I've got a 100% survival rate from being/feeling abandoned. I had to accept honestly, I abandoned me and responsibility for me, why I selected, not attracted, but chose...(whether subconsciously or not) these types of relationships. I have had to take 100% responsibility for MY whys so I don't choose to repeat them. Those people each told me who they were I chose not to believe them and to see who I wanted to see. Now when people tell me who they are I tend to believe them rather than argue with them assuming everyone thinks like I do. Ultimately is it ideal if you can shift your perspective and see things from a more elevated perspective? Certainly. However when we are triggered that's challenging to do, its emotion land where reason and logic seem lost in the fog. . It can be a process versus an immediate habituated response. The more I practice? The better I get, the less time it can take. Some days? I fail. I just examine why and know it will pass and allow time to tell. The proof is in the actions over time by my wee observation but I'm still working on it, so I'll have to let you know. LOL So far doing things differently seems to be having better more positive results for me. Great thread, great responses by everyone.

Good Morning @8LanguageStud. "Pearce is primarily known as the author of The Hedonistic Imperative, a 1995 book-length manifesto in which he theorises how to "eradicate suffering in all sentient life" through paradise engineering.[11] In Pearce's view, suffering is not necessary for humans and only exists because humanity evolved through methods that emphasized survival, rather than happiness.[12] He writes that mental suffering will someday be seen as a relic of the past, just as physical suffering during surgery was effectively eliminated with the advent of anaesthesia.[13] In his work, Pearce outlines how drugs and technologies, including genetic engineering and nanotechnology, could enable the end of suffering in all sentient life.[14] In the short term, Pearce argues, well-being can be helped by designer drugs, especially since safer mood-brighteners are becoming more readily available.[15] In the long-term, however, suffering could be abolished by genetic engineering through biotechnology.[9]" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Pearce_%28philosopher%29 I like Wikki since it will give you some background in a more precise succinct way than I will. LOL I follow technology and mental health. Pearce is a Transhumanist and believes we can use technology to evolve our biology so we are less susceptible to emotional suffering. He balances cognitive reconditioning with technological remedy for an optimal outcome of prevention and eradication. Current book? I want to be respectful and its required reading from Leo's course, (his reading list is available in the product section,) so I am not going to share the title I am just going to say it is a very good book. Thank you for taking an interest.

@Henri, thank you. I wholly agree with you. Great suggestion and observation. Thank you so much.

@Ade you are very welcome. I am happy we could offer something that helped. I wish you a positive week this week moving forward.

Good goals to have @Diane

Good Morning @OceanJjb, I think you are doing quite well with your English. I'm also thankful you asked the question, I struggle with many of the same fears. Thank you for being courageous, transparent, and authentic. Those are such beautiful and rare qualities. Yes, doing CNA work is both challenging and very rewarding. My observation is Western culture tends to sanitize the aging and death process, an out of sight out of mind denial that makes the isolation of the fear of dying worse. Who do you talk to about such a morbid topic with authenticity? That can be very challenging, people are uncertain of what to say. I have assumed for awhile I would die old and alone. CNA work, law enforcement, it all challenged my views of death and dying. It still does. I am happy that you found some of the suggestions useful. I found The crone is relevant to grieving and the grieving process, that awareness of our own mortality, the temporality of it all. The retreat into the hermit phase of our own internal wise woman, the wild woman who can rekindle passion. Sometimes we can lose our inner dreamer, and to awaken her takes time and quiet reflection and all the stages of grief. I am so glad that as an introvert you are here. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story and your fears with us. That is really courageous. The hormone thing could most assuredly be impacting you so I am very happy it was helpful. I missed in my reading the first time your age. I apologize for my misunderstanding, I'm am happy however it worked out well and proved relevant. I am happy sharing here and the thoughts and options of everyone were able to help you come to a calmer space. Its so nice to meet you and thank you again for sharing this it really was helpful for me as well.

Hi! @Ryan_047 First I owe you an apology. I forgot to tell you I am not online weekends. I apologize. You were definitely on my mind. Second, Happy Belated Birthday! So you just turned 16? Congratulations! Tell me about your cake? What kind was it? Did you do anything else for your Birthday? You are not bothering me at all, nor, as we can see are you bothering anyone else. That's a fear we have when we are in pain because pain and fear are challenging emotions to deal with. Being emotionally numb (not feeling) can be challenging. I can hear with what you are describing that you are in a situation where the adults around you are struggling with some intense emotions, and they sound like very serious adult situations? I would ask you first to remember, you are just 16. You are not responsible for Mom, for Dad, you are responsible for you okay? They are adults, they are responsible for them and for you. Now sometimes, moms and dads get sick. If mom is so sad and depressed she tried to harm herself then mom is sick too, just with a different kind of illness okay? Is she okay now? How is your dad doing today? I want to acknowledge this is some serious adult stuff and its pretty normal that you are struggling to feel right now. The adults are having a hard time coping, so I hope you can acknowledge first of all how awesome it is you are here, that you are aware, that is half of the battle right there. Lots of 16 year old's in a second world, or even first world countries don't have that kind of courage. Thank you for being so brave. Let's focus on some more practical tools that might help you. I like @Ayla and @DanoDMano idea about writing, but as a writer? I know writing can be challenging to do when you don't feel motivated to do anything or get pleasure from anything. Its also hard if you are not feeling to sort to the core issues and yes, you have to shoot for more than just a few sentences. So, I have a couple of ideas for you to try today if you are game to try them. Now just so you know...? I've still kept that commitment to meditate and read. So I'm still doing that with you. Are you still doing the reading and meditating? The mediating lets you observe what thoughts are coming and going. Those can be clues to feelings. Not feeling can be a defense mechanism to remain functioning, coping, because everything feels too overwhelming to feel. It's okay to be there. So I learned a technique from a Doctor called expansive writing. Set a timer for ten minutes. For today start with the sentence, "If I could feel I would.....?" Write seven sentences where you answer the question, "If I could feel I would ?" (Example if I could feel I would cry.") After you write your seven sentences I want you for ten minutes to write everything and anything that comes to your mind about feeling and those seven sentences you first wrote. (I am going to tell you up front, when you are done? You are going to rip this piece of paper up into little pieces and throw it away. The reason the Doctor asks people to tear it up and throw it away? You can be really, really honest because you won't worry about someone else reading it or what someone else might think. Its just for you to figure out what you are really thinking and feeling since you are kind of disconnected. ) You can also write it on a computer where you can just delete it, but the brain activity is a little better if you do it with a pen and paper. Either way do the one you feel the safest to do. So write for ten minutes. Then look at your writing and find the common theme or themes you keep writing about. Once you identify that? We can come up with a new stem sentence for tomorrow for you to write about. Some of us learn when we write. We don't learn from reading, or listening; we learn from writing. You might be one of those people who once you write something, you see your thought process and find your feelings. It might take time, and its not always a linear process. (Linear process means its not a straight line from point a to point b. It means taking baby steps and sometimes you take a few back and you have to dust yourself off and take a few more baby steps forward. ) That's really what self actualization is all about. Little baby steps. Since you are having a challenging time feeling or naming the emotion you might be feeling? I want you to find some music and listen to music with your headphones while you write. If in that moment you want to cry? I want you to find a song or a movie clip that might have made you cry in the past and watch or listen to that while you write. We call that self triggering. You focus your focus on the sad so you can cry so you can get the sad out. You can do the same thing if you are angry, or you want to feel happy. Listen to angry music, or some happy music on your head phones, and do the exercise. Let's say you can't find your words. Rather than write? Draw? Do you draw or do any kind of artwork? You can substitute that for writing as well. Even if you don't draw well, just go with color. Adult coloring books? They use the same brain functioning as meditation. If you have challenges meditating? Color for twenty minutes, there are coloring sites with adult Mandalas you can print and color. Sometimes the music triggers the emotion and the creative process helps you identify and release the things you are facing without doing something harmful to yourself or others. Another thing you can do if you want to cry? Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Snap the rubber band on your wrist. You can also use ice. This is another tool counselors use to help people feel emotional pain but not self harm. We already talked about you could punch the bed or scream into a pillow. I could add some other things but I want to keep things simple. For now... Do you want to try the expansive writing exercise with music? See if it begins to help? If you do let me know. Then you can do it and we can talk about how it went.? I look forward to hearing from you.

@8LanguageStud Both sound like good books. I like Sam Harris, although sometimes he can be a bit inflammatory. I listen to many of his YouTube debates and lectures. I want to look at Haidt more now that you pointed him out the other day. Maybe I have two more books to get. Are you familiar with David Pearce and the Hedonist Imperative? I am going to be reading that after I finish my current book.

Maybe @ModernSage has some different videos he can share with us today? @Ryan_047

@Ryan_047 Hi! So i hear a tiny seed of hope? You had a tiny tiny bit of emotion? Good for you! I mean, you have to be brave for mom and for Dad because of all these adult problems, and you as a kid don't want to be a bother? Is that perhaps the idea? I mean I don't know, I'm just wondering? So do you think you might be shutting down your feelings so you don't bother other folks? You're being brave? Again I don't know I'm just wondering? Maybe you think you are being weak and bothersome if you feel, like if you feel what is really going on, Dad's sick, mom's worried, money, if you really feel it all it might just be too much so you don't allow yourself to go there? Again, I really don't know, this could be me and my stuff...but a thought? Maybe just think about this and let me know what you think about it tomorrow? (It a lot to think about.) I am really proud of you that you followed through, thank you. How does it make you feel that you followed through? (Just think about this for a bit and see what comes without judging it.) Okay, so you just observed you are making someone feel better, telling them a joke, but not feeling anything? I want to be sure this is really 100% true. Why did you want to make her feel better? What feeling made you act and tell the joke to see her laugh? Can you name that feeling? @ModernSage posted some good shares. I use many of those myself. Sometimes, I can't make them work for me either. This sounds like serious clinical depression based upon situations you are going through right now. Now I say sounds, because just like you, I cannot diagnosis, and I know you are focused upon a specific diagnosis that you read about which you think sounds like it fits you. If you don't go to a Doctor who has studied these things for years? You are guessing without all the facts and skills and education to make that decision. I see three doctors right now okay? 3. They help me. So as a responsible adult and a mom and grand-mom myself, I am going to recommend again, that you talk to your mom and dad so they can get you some help. Don't just assume the only help will be medicine and don't just assume that all medicine is bad since sometimes medicine was bad. Now that is kind of some straight advice here, but I want to make sure you are safe and what you are describing sounds like you have very adult hings going on, and you are stressed and trying got be brave, but you need some help. Its okay to need help. So I hope you can re think about talking to your folks or another adult you trust in your physical area. I am going to make a suggestion that might sound like something very counter intuitive to do. Stop doing the research on anhedonia for awhile. There is a concept called the biology of belief. When you take psychology classes in colleges, they warn you, you are going to take this class and think you have every one of these diseases. Its really is true to some degree. These labels are tools to describe a spectrum of behaviors which may or may not fall within the range of what most folks do. What most folks do? We call normal. Now I don't know about you personally, there are some things most folks do, I'm rather glad I don't do. Anyhoo, focus on I am this, I have that, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever thought that maybe rather than expecting yourself to feel, or feel positive while you're still a teenager and you have all these adult kind of responsibilities....get help from your folks, see a doctor and talk with your folks and the doctor about the options you feel best with, keep it simple and keep doing those few things you are doing and build on those successes when you can credit yourself or enjoy them? Tomorrows itsy bitsy becomes longer tomorrow. Some days we might go backwards. Other days, we might surprise ourselves. For me, I am trying to be very good about coming here, versus going other places right now so I stay positive and I have support. So I'm just going to let you think about these things and then you can let me know your thoughts when you feel ready. Okay? Thank you. I really appreciate you sticking with through this with me.

Wow, I'm an artist, too many to pick just one in multiple mediums. I tend to actually express myself in combinations of film clips and music, so its a minute by minute thing. I adore absurdists, so I guess the prevailing musical theme would evolve from... http://www.shinedown.com/video/her-name-alice

@luigi1994 Nice to meet you. I really like your question. Thank you. Just my own observations for what they may or may not be worth: I find the more I see these things, like power money, fame, entertainment? The more I view them as vehicles to be used to create stories which might provoke thought or change in a more positive way. Platforms, ideally platforms which balance quality with quantity which offer intrinsic value to be inclusive versus exclusive. So "power" is only a positive commodity if I give it way, use it to benefit others without the focus being. "Oh look at me, aren't I so charitable?" Money in my perception ideally would be a conduit principle. Its a tool. I am entrusted with it so I am responsible for wise stewardship and management of it, and if I exceed what I need than I feel a moral obligation to be the conduit and a source of flow so the money may be gifted in endeavors which better others and the planet. (investment in future generations.) Fame? Its an illusion. When you begin to get even a small amount of it, you realize your problems go from apples to oranges. You have to doubt people's sincerity, deal with stalkers, odd balls, people who create all sorts of realities about you that have nothing to do with you. People are fickle, its fleeting. Its the most painful illusion to awaken from of all by my small direct experience observation. Entertainment, to amuse the masses. Entertainment is a money equation. Cheaper to produce reality content for consumerism;s sake than it is to pay writers to write authentic content which in turn costs more budget to create. Instead they assure you its what you want to watch. I find your last statement true thus far. I can venture out there, but I like coming home.

@Diane Welcome. It's so nice to meet you. You have an amazing story. Congratulations on overcoming so much to realize your personal dreams! I am very happy to set this intention with you for you to use this journal as a tool to maintain consistent with your own focus. Good Luck and keep us posted on how you do on the bar exam, please.

@MIA.RIVEL thank you. You stated that very eloquently. I wholly am there with you.

@Soulbass I appreciate your comment. 8 Months ago I couldn't leave my house let alone be in a social setting. Now I make myself go to a social event every week. In the past 8 months I have had to force myself to do many things. Some of them work out well, some of them not so well. I still keep confronting the fears aggressively. Thank you. I really appreciated your comment. Everyone else, great thread! @FindingPeace thank you for asking the question. I can relate. I learned several things from the thread.

My Question of the Day.... To Bee? Or to Be? The nobler question? Is a man In motion Wiser Than a mind At rest Pondering motion?

Good day! Thank you for taking the time to consider my question. Last night I watched a video in Leo's Advance Life Purpose Course. I then proceeded to two related videos in the free video section related to "blame versus responsibility" and "being a victim". During the first video I found myself really having a strong emotional reaction to some of the concepts due to the topics covered. Everything in me wanted to run, even though I listened I found myself beating myself up and becoming very depressed and self accusatory. How am I responsibility for my dad raping me from the time I was an infant? I may be an adult and responsible for my reactions in the now? Many of my reactions come completely out of nowhere. They take me by surprise and they are very emotionally strong. My suspicion is, this is where the work gets tough and the non committed get scarce or bail altogether. So rather than fall into that percentage due to resistance, I would like some creative brain storming and feedback. Before I delve into what I want the feed back related to? Here is what I do not want as a response: A video: Right now I'm trying to focus on Leo's material and the course because staying focused is a challenge. If I go off chasing rabbits its easy to avoid and not return to the real work at hand now. "Leo says..." If you want to reference one of his videos just name the title and tell me in your own words how its related to the question, I'll watch the Video. I want your thoughts and experiences. (Unless you are Leo. Then Leo is talking to me and using his words, I know its what Leo would really say.) Quotes from another Guru or speaker; I've read many of them and they can be easy to offer. I want direct experiences and interaction from people who might be working through or have successfully worked through the same things. Its concrete versus abstraction. However metaphor and allegory abstractions are welcome. What I do want: I want direct experiences and interaction from people who might be working through or have successfully worked through the same thing. Practical re framing and or tools to re frame the internal construct Reality checks based upon direct personal experiences. Here is what my observation is that I struggle with. I split. (Splitting in the psychological definition) I personalize I'm hyper aware I'm hyper critical of me. For example when I did the judgement worksheets my judgement of others were there for certain, but the judgement list of me? It did not closely match the list of judgements for others and it was significantly longer than the list of judgements for others. I was kinder to others than I was to myself. Here was my proof. I judged me for things I would be more understanding of others for doing. Now I'm going to provide a humorous example of how this flight fright responsibility thing kicks my ass in really stupid ways. I am at a public event which involves alcohol; and two men start fighting. I revert to training and experience, step in the middle stop the fight. No victim mentality at all, very serious situation, didn't have to fight, just talked the situation to rationality. Same evening, later at a party and everyone is playing this game that has dirty words on cubes. (Kind of like the erotic version of boggle only words for sentences versus letters for words.) I try to avoid playing. No that won't work. They are all having this thing called fun? I am wondering where my physics research is. That's fun. This? This seems like something ten year olds do; twittering over using naughty words with no understanding that when we write and speak we create reality. (My judgement based upon my observations of writing and speaking; I own that.) So now I'm standing in front of this group of folks and I'm looking at these cubes. My first thought? I'm a writer surely I can create a non sexual sentence out of something in this pile of wooden cubes mocking me? Not these cubes. These cubes are committed to their sexual identity and they are made of wood. They have no reservations being comfortable with themselves. I froze. I couldn't talk, I could move, I just stood there wishing I was invisible or that the aliens would beam me up,the ground would open up and just swallow me, I would gain the instantaneous superpower of invisibility... at that point I would have been ready for about any event that could have extricated myself from these deviant mocking little wooden cubes. I literally had an entire PTSD melt down over words on cubes. I was graciously rescued and talked through things so I could realize 1. I did not have to play. I could say no. I tried to play to please others and challenge myself, it didn't work do well. Again, taking responsibility. Now somewhere in my brain I am thinking bar fight? No problemo. Words on cubes in public? Kicks my ass. What is wrong with this picture? Was I a victim to wooden cubes? When triggered I default to one thing: Its ALL my fault. I am THE problem. I shame and blame alright, but my default as the target is me. Isn't this hyper-responsibility? When I have put myself in the situation with an abusive asshat and then I realize it, I am aware, I can craft a plan, and I may procrastinate, I may have fear, but I get it done. I can see and accept my own culpability in the chain so to speak, unfortunately often to the point I accept responsibility for everything negative that happens and that just takes me to the place the world would be better off without me place I go. In other words I lose sight of this person is an ass hat. I think of all the things they went through, all the ways I resonate and I don't want to be unkind, and then I default to the problem must be me and beat me up. Am I victim but a victim of my own shame's creation? In other words I continue the legacy of beating me up which is the training I revert to in stress just like I revert to protection in the bar fight due to military and law enforcement training? If we know we revert to training (conditioning) in times of stress and your conditioning was no sense of self? How do you balance 100% responsibility in away you don't emotionally eviscerate yourself with self loathing? How do you figure out who you are, when who you were supposed to be for someone else was all you were ever taught to focus on? I am also struggling to re-frame life in the context of reality and the point/purpose of life. I was in geriatric care, I know what awaits us all. I've spent time contemplating death and dying. On one level I get nothing matters, its all an illusion. I love Alan Watts, I get the concepts, of transition, merely changing energy form. Its scares me in one sense, in another, its like relief. I love contemplating multiple dimensions and all of that interesting stuff about what is real? Due to that study and decades of internal reflection and meditation and observation, I just don't see reality constructs the same as the average bear. I am experiencing tremendous existential angst because my framework of understanding reality has reached a place in development and study where I am fairly confident the answers will not be forthcoming in my awareness in this lifetime. When I ask my Dr.'s if I'm crazy? I hear no, You are very very smart and that's lonely, you need to find other smart people who can help you explore reality constructs. How do you know what is or is not real when your construct for reality becomes shattered? .

@Ryan_047 My good Morning, your Good evening, How are you? So first I want to thank you. The book I'm reading is from Leo's course, so I'm not going to give away the title of the book...but the book is about heroes and the journey's they can choose to take. Its normally something I could get into really easily and I've been struggling since things don't seem like to much fun and I can't focus like you are feeling right? I had to wait for a friend during an appointment? I thought if Ryan can read for 15 minutes since he's 15, I should read for at least 53 minutes since I'm 53 to make it fair. So I sat in the waiting room and read for almost 50 minutes. The reason I stopped? A young girl with short red hair who looked to be about 16 or so came in with a stuffed bear that was bigger than she was, and we started chatting as she was showing me some of her artwork. (She was a very good artist) So I wanted to thank you for helping me make some progress in my reading. I hope you are doing well this evening, that your father is feeling a bit better and perhaps things are less stressful? How did you do with your reading? What was the most positive exciting thing about your day yesterday that made you feel happy for a moment? I look forward to hearing back from you @Ryan_047.

Hi @Ade, Nice to meet you. Very brave of you to share this, it had to have been hard to write. Its a really good step. I'm so happy you are here and trusted us to share this with us. Thank you. I regret you are struggling right now. If you don't mind me asking you, what makes you not proud about having gotten a nose job? I've never had one, so I know nothing about them. I don't know your friends, but if your friends really like you for who you are? You are not your nose? You are your "knows," your personality your essence. I don't mean to diminish your feelings; its scary to take responsibility for things we've done. I can appreciate your fears. I have lots of scary things I have to take responsibility for. A couple of weeks ago? I made a very public mistake and I had to write a letter and take 100% responsibility for my actions. It was a hard letter to write. But I knew it was the right thing for me to do if I was going to be okay with me inside. Funny thing about that? Once it was done, I could let it go. I've also observed that quite often it ends up better than I feared. Quite often, I gain people's respect for having the courage. If you have good friends? They will love you and forgive you and support you, no matter what your nose looks like. As far as how you feel about you? You say your nose is representative of your insecurities. What insecurities does your nose represent for you?

My observation is that sometimes people can engage in sexual activity with one another and not necessarily be "intimate" with one another. I prefer intimacy to "mutual masturbation" my reference to sex without intimacy. I was being somewhat funny and realize in hindsight my joke lacked clarity or context for those who don't know me. I call it mutual masturbation as, say the one night stand can be sex without intimacy. If someone wants to have sex without intimacy I have no judgment at all about that. I just think folks should be honest about it. LOL I kind of came up with it related to those guys that tell you they love you to get some and then never call again. I would have respected them more if they had just said, "I want to masturbate with you and never see you again." That would be honest. Anyhow, I see my lack of clarity in my comment. LOL

Ah but there is "mutual masturbation" which may or may not be intimate?

Hi @Sattu So I am going to just go through this line by line, you are a software engineer, you fell in love with a girl that was already engaged and she got married. Another woman expressed interest in you, but she is poor. This is where I get a bit confused and perhaps you can help me understand better? There are reasons you have that you cannot marry ( as in it is not possible) this woman ever, but she is telling you if you do not support her financially she will harm herself? You are paying her 5000 so she won't kill herself? (whatever your currency is, I'm not familiar with inr. I'm sorry.) You have your cousin's brother living with you and you're spend 10,000 on rent. Sounds like you are working all of the time? So I am not certain what your question is. Is it about how many hours you are working? Is it about the woman you are paying money but can't marry or she will hurt herself? By,"what is the end of this life?" Do you mean how does a life like this end? Do you mean is this a quality life to lead? Based upon what you have shared so far, it sounds like you do much for others I'm wondering what you do for you to make you feel good?

@AviSex is physical for propagation of the species. Sexual intimacy is an interpersonal need related to a sense of belonging. If the intimacy need goes unmet, it can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, etc. As to the latter I am uncertain so I assume that if someone wants it moved the tech "Gods" will move it or let us know.