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Hi, I have been having a really difficult time lately. I think the problem was forming through years and I have no idea how to resolve it. I rate my worthiness on my attractiveness, on the approval I get from women. Why? For many years I have been interested in science, evolution, biology. I came to the conclusion that the purpose of our existence is to reproduce, pass the genes etc. An entity that is unattractive, has "bad" genes is simply speaking worthless. It backfired as I am currently having depression, anxiety and severe insomnia from the constant fear that I may somewhat lose the approval I get from women. What can I do to change it? I can't stop believing that reproduction is not the sense of life or organisms because I frankly believe it is... But how can I stop tying people's worth to their "sexual market value" as it called in some pick-up forums. People less attractive than me are inferior and someone more attractive than me is superior. I see that it is immoral (I found out that I consider sterile and gay people less worthy) and destroys my life but I can't start pretending I don't believe it. Our life is simply preparation to reproduction, then looking after the offspring and finally dying. What about people who don't want children? Are their lifes useless? I hope to hear some convincing replies so that maybe I will be able to change my beliefs. I would love to believe that everyone has got the same worth... but I need evidence.

@ajasatya I don't really know. I just always felt I was lacking it. I felt worse than others. @Nahm That is very interesting. I heard about it before but didn't do a bigger research. It made a little shift in my thinking

@Nahm what do you mean?

@ajasatya I suppose that the more worth someone has, the more deserving of the existence he is. I am not sure though because I am not totally conscious of it, just feel the fear of being worse than others.

@Spiral I think I would feel better but I wouldn't like to procreate just to resolve my own problem. Plus, I would probably push the same expectations on the child. And I am too young in my opinion to be a mature parent.

@Spiral I get this one, it is simmilar to the example of bees. They spend their life working so that the queen may reproduce.

Flax-seed has the biggest amount of phytoestrogens so if you are not prone to breast cancer, give it a try.

How to get rid of the neurotic pride and tyranny of shoulds and idealized self image that come with it? For those who are not familliar with the topic: http://plaza.ufl.edu/bjparis/ikhs/horney/fadiman/04_major3.html Chapters entitled: The Idealized Image and the Search for Glory and The Pride System Have you got any advice? Have a good day.

I'll try to elaborate a bit on the topic to make it more clear so maybe you will have a better insight. From my own experience I can say that I made up that ideal self image to gain acceptance which I hadn't obtained as a child. Now there's a conflict - I cannot give up that image which creates a lot of suffering, unless I feel safe enough to do so. I've tried many times so far and it's like a constant battle. It always comes back. The reason for the existence of this ideal self lies in the need of acceptance. I assume that by following your advice and being consciouss of my neurosis, I would get it from the inside. Thanks to that, I wouldn't need external acceptance = wouldn't need the ideal self. Am I right?

Hi all, I've been wondering lately if it's possible to live without ego. It is seen as a bit negative aspect of our nature in the community but in my opinion even high self -esteem is an ego. Self-respect is an ego, because it imposes the image of "respected person" and it is false as we cannot make everyone respect us. Our subconscious mind works using the self-image which is ego right? I'm a bit confused with this one so it would be great if someone more experienced elaborated on the topic. Cheers

Hello I've noticed that I unconsciously block myself from perceiving reality as it is. I mean, my self image is feeling in danger and it produces a kind of mental fog when forced to deal with unpleasant circumstances. For example when I feel nervous in a situation when i "shouldn't", I literally feel like my ego is in danger and pretends that this feeling doesn't exist. Moreover, I noticed that after that my self-esteem gets lower. Just like I knew that I'm lying to myself. What can I do to overcome this barrier and start noticing everything as it is, not as my ego would like it to see? Cheers

I think it might have to do with repressed parts of me - the Shadow. When there's a possibility of such part to be seen by others, I get nervous. It just hurts too much, I'm afraid to lose my false "self" because I'm afraid that my real one is not acceptable. This inner conflict makes me avoid reality in order to sustain the ego.

Hi, I've decided to write here cause I hope you can help me in some way. It's the first time in my life I'm actually writing a post like this. I want to describe to you, what I have observed during my introspection. I have read a lot of books regarding psychology, self image, meditation, philosophical, brain anatomy, really everything that could be helpful. Nothing by now. I have a low self esteem since I remember, probably due to my fathers expectations towards me. He also has very low self esteem. He wanted me to be a brave, strong, respected sportsmen, having a lot of hot chicks, aggressive, the typical the "alpha" type. But I wasn't "perfect" in his eyes. I was smaller than my peers, not really into sports, weak and shy. I assume that I subconsciously got the message he was sending me. The message "Your'e not good enough". He treated my like I didn't exist, apart from giving me money and presents. Never even told me he likes me, but he wasn't mean towards me neither. I can say he was absent in my life despite living in the same house. No common acitivies, holiday, nothing. When i was in my teenage years, I've decided that I want to change. I started to read all this PUA crap, how to be more alpha, started training and doing other stuff. After years I suppose that just wanted to be accepted by him. I have started to controll my behaviour, avoided situations in which I could be considered a wimp, pretended I'm always brave, cool and self-confident. And it gave me profits - finally was considered self-confident, picked up many girls. After a few years my organism started to act in a weird way. When I felt any of these unwanted feelings come, I would become tense, afraid and my self-esteem would become even lower, because I have been beating myself down non consciously over such small things as feeling fear towards someone (alphas are not afraid), feeling worse(they have high self-esteem), being shy(how can you get girls while being shy?), whatever was outside my "alpha guy" frame. The strange thing is, I'm a really succesfull guy, handsome, ripped, intelligent, know 3 languages fluently and a studying other ones. I had some really hot girls in my life, probably thanks bo pretending to be that "perfect man". All my friends say I'm perfect. But inside I feel like trash. I feel like if I were my real self, than I wouldn't get girls = I would be unacceptable. I am very needy towards women, I use them for my validation. When around them, I always act because I want them to be attracted to me and I know that I have some traits that would turn them off. For example, I avoid situations in which they may see that I'am a coward or that I'm not self-confident. Why? I know that women like guys with high self-esteem. So i fake it. After all these years of acting and pretending to be a macho guy, I've developed social anxiety. I had all these symptoms: racing heart, gulp in throat, tense belly muscles etc. I'm so afraid that people will consider me weak or that they will se my incongruence, that I avoid social situations. I don't want other people to see my weaknesses. I feel that a humiliation in front of people is the end of the world - I wouldn't be that cool guy anymore if they saw that I'm anxious or anything not-alpha. I have read books written by Nathaniel Branden, Osho, Echart Tolle, watched Leo, Elliott Hulse and other guys, to find a solution. Nothing by now. There were a few days in my life I felt really wonderfull - It was a period when I believed that emotions cannot be judged. I could feel fear and I wouldn't blame myself for it. I could be shy, anxious, even loving towards others (I consider showing positive emotions a weakness, as my father never told anything nice to anyone) and I wouldn't feel ashamed of it. I am simply beating myself down for anything that isn't "perfect" in myself. No problems with my body though, I accept it totally. What can i do about it? Have you got any suggestions?

Never had no dating coach advice, my friend was one and i know it's all crap. Only read one book called "The game". More like I'm looking for advices in self-acceptance. How to do it when my subconsciouss works against me.

Not really, I have been meditating and practicing living in the present moment for almost two years. Looking back before that period I was almost like an animal - repressed so much of my inner world that it seems impossible for me now. In the beggining I did it in a bad way - I saw things that were unacceptable for me then and instead of accepting them as they are (what is very important) I simply noticed them. And noticing by itself didn't give me a relief. It was the opposite. I started to notice unpleasant thoughts, emotions and it was the actual moment in my life when my body started to produce symptoms of anxiety. My self-esteem got even lower. Some time later i discovered that acceptance has to be added and most of my symptoms disappeared but not all. Even now I sometimes wake up with a gulp in throat or just a feeling of inner discomfort and it is with me during the day, usually until I stop feeling bad about having them and simply accept them. But feeling bad about it is instinctive for me, I trained my brain to do I think. I am already doing it but i expected a faster progress. From time to time I am having this feeling of "I am stuck, nothing is really changing and I'm going to be like this forever." That's why I wrote here. To hear that I am not alone with this kind of thinking pattern or that it is possible to get out of it. To get some hope, beacause dealing with life in this way is really devastating for me. Sometimes I feel cured but then happens something that pushes the button (a situation which I cannot accept) and everything comes back. Currently I am accepting everything as it is and being totally honest with the world and myself. It is a bit hard because my awarness tries to protect me from circumstances that I may not be able to accept and I have to focus really hard to see some of tem but I won't give up definetly. Each method I got to know in the past helped me a bit to understand myself and my problem. That's why I'm asking you for help. Maybe you know some tips? Meditation is great but I would like to invest myself all in this process and do some other usefull things. EDIT: In my opinion, due to my fathers expectations towards me, I wasn't able to accept reality as it is, so I started getting rid of many aspects of it. And the challenge for me now is to integrate these parts of reality. But to do so, I should prepare myself for it by getting rid of my fathers sick expectations. A bit confusing but hope you got it. How do you think?

Thank you guys, checked him out and there's really something deep in his message. And it's so simple at the same time - be honest with yourself and everyone else. It seems that I wasn't because I feared rejection. And I lied to myself. Now I'm trying to be 100% sincere about my feelings and thoughts, even if they hurt my ego.I have to admitt that i recovered a lot as I recall who I used to be in my teens. I've also read a bit about the "disowned selves" theory lately and tried to integrate them into my self image but it didn't give me great results. I have observed a bit of improvement but definetly not what I expected. Maybe it has to come naturally as an effect of forgiveness to myself for not being perfect. Not sure. How do you think?