Marinus

Thx I have a normal sleeping mask so I'll give it a try

I was wondering if someone has experience with this tool and if it works.

What kind of help do you get right now?

thx for the reactions

Some questions to prepare myself. I hope to be fully in stage yellow before I reach 30. My intuitions tells me I will. How do you deal with people when you are highly developed? Are there people in your life that are on your level? If no do you feel lonely? How is it be in a relationship with someone who is as developed or not at the same level at all? How is it to have a career as a high conscious person? Do you have friends and did you cut off relationships? How is to be highly developed when you are younger than 30?

I see confidence as trusting in your abilities and skills and lack in in confidence is insecurity. I haven't learned much about duality, but I notice it all the time and this is no exception. If you have confidence in something than you will be insecure about something else. I can't see these two things as separate. People say "have confidence", "men/women like confidence", "in your career you need confidence" etc. Something that looks similar to confidence is detachement. Detachment and confidence look the same on the surface. I see confidence as having faith in creating a certain outcome while detachement is not adding value to the outcome. For example: a confident person expects to win the race while a detached person expects nothing and is okay with either outcome. Confidence is like a level of trust in oneself while detachment is not needing to trust oneself. I see confidence as a notion someone with a lower conscious has while a higher conscious person doesn't need this anymore. I want to know your opinions. Do I understand the difference or am I completely wrong? The reason for thinking about this is that I think it's more beneficial to me to become detached instead of becoming confident. It seems to me that becoming detached skims away a lot of crap you have to deal with instead of when you try to become confident. For example: becoming an "alpha male" requires confidence while being detached doesn't need to be alpha, because at point it's just a silly notion. I'm slowly getting in stage yellow I think since I feel like my belief systems are changing. For some reason I get the feeling that many people I see and act around me are children. I don't mean this in a degrading way, but more seeing the innocence and unawareness in people and being okay with them being like that instead of trying to change people by convincing them. It's a weird feeling to see the world in this way and I slowly lose the feeling of "being better than..." and I think it's because of becoming more detached. Instead of me being in the story I see people more as the story and me as the observer as if I watch a film or something. It's kind of difficult to convey what I think and feel in words. I wonder when you are being detached. I can't say that there is a separation between attachment and detachement. Right now I'm less detached to certain things and still highly attached to others and when I notice me being attached, my self at that moment becomes a child and feels highly threatened when my attachment is challenged. I think observing all of this is key. I think most of this development is thanks to meditation. What are your thoughts on this? And thank you for reading.

I still journal, but I decided to do this privately, so my posts end here.

Intro This journal will be about daily journaling. I joined Habitica to gamify my life (Habitica is a productivity tool that uses gamification. 2 years ago I noticed that life is similar to a game, but way more complex. I tried Habitica out 2 weeks ago and now I really love it. I now feel like I have a great life, I'm happy now and I wonder how long it will stay like this. 24-11-2019 Today is my first journal of the Daily entry challenge of Habitica. The last 2 weeks felt great, I felt productive and I spend my time quite good compared to the last half year. I started to workout 3 times a week, following 2 Wingchun lessons a week, reading almost everyday, stretching basically everyday, ofcourse meditation everyday. Besides that I wanted to complete school tasks and do no-fap everyday, but these were more challenging. I made my most difficult tasks high reward tasks on habitica. This day I managed to do 3 college lessons (1 1/2) on Sunday which was easier then I expected. Tomorrow I can also say I am on nofap day 2. Saturday and Friday felt like a mess, but I know it's a homeostasis symptom so I have to push through it. I think that polishing my to do's and habits on habitica works great to asses my ability to cope with my goals. I shouldn't make it too difficult, because that will backfire into a stressful life. I want to make it fun, self-actualizing should be enjoyable, not pleasurable, but gratifying. I realized that at this point I'm unable to create complete internal motivation and that's why habitica works so well right now.

To me meditation has increased my level of consciousness a lot and lately I see the big changes that appeared after having years of plateau's. Meditations has learned me to reflect more consciously, discover thinking traps, beliefs, reactions, etc. Combined with spiritual teachings this created a sense of understanding about how we function as human beings in reaction to ourselves and our environment. All of this makes me feel at peace now that I live alone and it feels very good.

So I have an embarrassing problem. Whenever I try to have sex with my girlfriend, I tend to overthink and then my sex drive is killed. My erection disappears and I start to worry about it, which doesn't help at all. This ruins sex for me and this makes it more like a psychological challenge then a pleasant experience. My girlfriend is very supportive about it, but this doesn't really help. When I'm alone my erections are normal and healthy, so it's only when having sex, or trying to have sex to be accurate. When I have intercourse, my erections tend to stay. Until now we had intercourse 4 times and some attempts. Would it help if I just keep trying until I feel comfortable enough or is there something else that I can try in order to enjoy it? It is really frustrating….

17 - 12 -2019 I was mistaken, today I did have more muscle soreness than yesterday. Apparently in the muscles connected to my spinal cord. Unfortunately I had no mystic experiences while meditating. I do notice that when I meditate I can get detached from thoughts like I hear someone talking in the background. I notice it, but I don't listen to it. This way my perception of time changes. It's like time doesn't exist, because at that moment I have no concept of it, because I'm more detached from my mind and more with being. It's an odd experience and it feels like I lose a sense of self and of the environment. 18 - 12 - 2019 Today is my long day at college. To be honest what I learned up to know (I'm having a break) was easy and semi boring because of that. It has been a while, this time I meditated after waking up. It definitely feels way better and relaxing to meditate in the morning. In the evening it's hard to stay awake and it costs more energy. However the evening creates the opportunity for sleep paralysis which is my first step in order to enter astral projection which still hasn't happened the way I want it to. Thanks to the light novel I realized again that I really am a loner in class. It does feel weird, but at the same time if I would have a conversation it would be meaningless and it would only serve as a way to pass time. At school I only need to go to the toilet and class could go on after that, but when class is this long breaks tend to be longer to. Still time passed way faster than I thought. Only 1 hour and 45 minutes to go from now. 19 - 12 -2019 Today my mother has come to Antwerp. She is spending some time here to enjoy her self in Antwerp. It's a popular city for shopping her in Belgium. I plan to join her with some things here and after that I will go to The Netherlands to spend my holiday there. I notice that I am getting more capable at handling my addictions now that I think of it. I feel myself getting more balanced which gives me a feeling peace inside. I'm also more at peace in general. My social interactions feel more natural to me now that I'm more capable of connecting with acquaintances apposed to years before and also last year.

This post will be about my experience of exercise and sport to help people who are considering it start doing it. Since early November I started to go to the gym 3 times a week and practice Wing Chun 2 times a week (it's a martial arts). What happend is that my happiness and satisfaction levels have been drastically improved. I spend most of my time in solitude and it feels great! I see physical movement as meditation for the physical body. I treat my gym routine as a personal development activity. I record how much and how many times I lift and I put all of this in an Excel sheet. Martial arts work great for my mind. It feels like I'm a child again that tries to learn to cycle. Exercise Is also a great opportunity to practice mindfulness. If you exercise consciously it will feel meditative in my experience hence meditation for the body. Besides the mental and emotional benefits I also experience vitality. I'm just 23, but a year ago I had the body of a couch potato. If I would lift a heavy box it would cause soreness. I felt tired the whole day and when I tried running I couldn't keep it up for long, I would be out of breath. Back to present day my body has adapted to movement. Yesterday when I went cycling to the gym I went from zero to a high speed on my bicycle without needing to inhale a lot of air. It was like being in an airless vacuum. If I try to do something heavy now like physical labor My body doesn't experience soreness. I also stretch a lot that might by an important factor and also meditation of course. Anyway I hope this will help you. It really changed my life in a short period of time.

@Arcangelo I disagree. If you start to see someone as a human being instead of male/female then you can be friends.

16 - 12 -2019 My yesterday meditations was the most weird one until now. I ended up in a sleep paralysis fully consciousness and my perceptions changed. I heard a humming noise like that of a machine, but it was probably something in my body instead or a hallucination. My vision was very twisted. It felt like I was sitting in bed, but I remember my lower body not being present, instead I saw my bed underneath me, like it was part of my body. My door and the closet were both split and they were mirrored. The upper part of both tings was mirrored and it replaced the lower half. I also remember a dark wooden plate besides my bed, which was either my small table or closet. My perception wasn't 100% clear it was as if my brain couldn't process my perception. I'm not even sure if I was perceiving anything. The whole perception was like a jigsaw puzzle attached in the wrong way. I also remember that I wanted to open my eyes. It felt as if my eye lids were half open/closed. I thought this was an astral projection so I tried to float through the roof. It felt like my body was elongating to the ceiling. Then I woke up. This whole experience wasn't scary to me. I had no strong emotions or reactions when experiencing this. These reaction mess up the experience and I wake up from them, but since I have experiences like this once in a while they are very unexpected. The last week I also experienced some minor things, but I vaguely remember them. This all means that I'm used to this and I know what to expect. It's like a reflection of my life at this moment. I accept myself more and more, understanding myself more and more, enjoying life more and more, enjoying solitude more and more. My theory regarding my experience is that when you fall asleep and enter the wake/sleep borderline phase your mind becomes instable because of hormones. These hormonal changes give the opportunity to "hack" it. This is a vulnerable position to be in I think and this makes it able to experience twisted perceptions or even hallucinations. It's difficult to explore this, because it happens randomly. I do know that whenever I'm very tired this opportunity arises. I also think this is the result of everyday meditation. Most of the time I focus on my senses when meditating makes it easier to be in the moment and apparently this influences that stage of consciousness. Right now I have gotten the insight that this might also be why I remember so much from my dreams. Thanks to my meditation style! If it translates to the borderline phase it also must influence my dream perception. Besides this experience which was yesterday I still had pain in my shoulder, but my chest and triceps training went very well and it wasn't limited by pain luckily, because the movements didn't hurt. Since I started with a lot of sport and exercise I felt a lot happier than I used to and now that I read fiction I feel even better. I still desire a girlfriend, but if I feel happy now there is no reason to be needy. I think I still have needy insecurities, but subjectively speaking I doesn't make sense to have them now that I feel so great. My fitness is really amazing now. I'm no Hulk, but I feel energetic and today when cycling to the gym I managed to get to a high speed without even needing to breath a lot which means that my body has adapted more than I initially thought. I don't have much soreness from core training which I did yesterday despite not training core at all normally. So apparently my body easily recovers in general now that I exercise a lot. This is unbelievably amazing! The human body is more impressive in the aspect of healing when regularly exposed to harsh circumstances.

6 - 12 - 2019 This night was really scary and stressful. I dreamed 3 times about almost getting killed. The first and second time were the same dream scenarios, but with different outcomes. For some reason I and a lot of people were locked in a mal/restaurant. We were locked in an unused space 7 meters above the mal/restaurant or even more. There was one square hole 5^2 meters to enter the mal/restaurant below and the unused space was huge and was separated with a floor. What I thought was cool is that I had the staff of Avatar Aang from my favourite story of all time. I also was able to use the skills I learned from my wing chun lessons (very basic skills). Every one was trying to kill everyone, but I didn't want to damage my soul with murder, so I tried my best to not go to far. I remember attacking and defending from people with and without my staff and I felt scarred and very focused. I don't remember getting hurt. There was this one instance that that someone wanted to knock me of a metal staircase (the ones you have in factories). If I fell it could mean death from breaking a neck. I managed to grab the stair handrail and the second time I dodge a big man who wanted to push me. I had no choice to knock him off the staircase I thought that I wouldn't stand a chance against him. Eventually I managed to glide away with my staff and I escaped the building to inform the police. My second dream was identical to the point of flying away, but in this instance I had no staff to glide away. Everyone was going on until the were knocked out or death. In my dream I was to occupied with survival. In this case their was this girl who was my last opponent. She suddenly activated a robot killing machine (similar to the ones in robocop). I thought know way I can survive this in a fight instead I needed to use my brains. I took a big risk to quickly run towards the hole and let me fall 7 + meters with a relaxed body in order to survive the fall. I came up with this idea in seconds so I had no chance to doubt this Idea. If I were to die anyway I better take this risk I thought. After the fall I don't remember hurting myself. Then the girl in the machine jumped down to eliminate me with machine gun turrets from the robot. I remember hiding after a concrete pillar and I later escaped from the building were the glass was shattered from the turrets. I ran for my life and I again informed the police. The third instance was different and it involved my father. Feedforward to the moment of danger we drove with his camper in a muddy landscape, because the road was blocked or something and the police said we should go there instead. Then we drove down to a lower ground which was risky, but I trust my fathers driving abilities. Important to note is that I was on top of the camper instead of the passenger seat. We got stuck in the mud near a calisthenics training ground. There were two man. One in his 20's like me and his father was in his 50's. The older man threw a having training ball to me op purpose and I threw it on the ground. He had a smirk on his face and I thought this was probably not a nice person. He again threw something a throw toy that looks like a combination of a rugby ball and a rocket to throw on beaches. I threw this one again away. He came towards me (the camper was just as high as a normal car in that moment). He looked intimating and he had an imposing physique. I again felt threatened and very focused, I was battle ready. He wanted to punch me, but my reflexes noticed this and I went into punching mode. I hit him with the Wing Chun chain punches, but I was to weak for this opponent. I had to use my speed instead of strength. He again wanted to punch, but like a sledge hammer punch (up to now I was sitting). I avoided the man and I hit him with a sledge hammer punch on the back. I stepped down of the ground and when he wanted to attack I used my Wing Chun skills again. I wasn't hit the whole time. Suddenly the man took out a big knife of 20 cm lang. It looked like a military knife. I thought shit now I'm fucked so I ran away to the place we came from, but his son was blocking the way in the middle of the road. His father came and the surrounded me. I don't exactly know how, but I managed to get behind the older man. His son wanted to shoot me with a rifle, but I was fast enough to move to my right and he shot his father instead. I ran away and he shouted to me. I then became a refuge for a while to stay hidden. 12 - 12 -2019 Today I read a lot of fiction. I think I found my tv replacement and that's reading fiction. I thought that reading fiction wasn't fun and a waste of time, but now I don't think that anymore. It's more beneficial than tv. 13 - 12 -2019 My birthday! I went to the gym again and celebrated my birthday alone. Honestly I don't are much about celebrating my birthday. I'm grateful for all the people who congratulated me and I'm grateful to have existed as a human being for 23 year. This day I wasn't hard on my self. I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself. 14 - 12 - 2019 I decided to learn Japanese. I had an invite to go to someone's party in our student house, but I didn't go. I notice that I don't like to be outgoing every week it's to much of the same for me. My social needs are very limited I think. I started a second fiction story. I have seen it's anime, but apparently the novel is better. I learned that fiction stories can increase empathy, because you read someone's thought process and journey. So this basically means that reading fiction is a way to increase EQ?

@SharpMind No Viagra thx! I already fixed this issue, but thx for your input.

5 - 12 -2019 Again I have no muscle soreness. I did hit a limit, but according to some experienced people on the internet muscle soreness doesn't mean growth. You can grow if you have no soreness. I felt very tired and apathetic today. I don't know why, but it didn't make me depressed so I'm hopefully cured from feeling like a depressed person. I saw a great video about attracting the right person and thinking about what he said it makes total sense and makes pick up less relevant. Video:

4 - 12 -2019 I missed some activities, but working out went well. I again managed to go Havier, but this time I definitely hit a limit with all of them. For some reason my presence today at college was bigger. It looked like that different girls in my class glanced their eyes on me multiple times. I wonder if they notice subconsciously that I'm getting a stronger physique. I do notice it. It's not much, but my muscles are starting to show more

3 - 12 - 2019 I discovered that I had to do something for college which I am still procrastinating. I'm planning to do this tomorrow morning. I had a lot o stress so I fapped it away. I do this a lot if I'm stressed. I will go to bed early and unfortunately I skipped Wing Chun because of this choice. I will go to bed in a couple of minutes. I managed to make a new You Tube video, so my day wasn't a complete failure. I don't look forward to my assignment, but I do look forward to going to the gym tomorrow evening.

@RasheedI do indeed eat multiple bean kinds, mostly two + vegetables, but today 4 kinds. They are really cheap. Healthy food in general is cheap (I don't mean organic that's even better). Chia seeds I highly recommend, because it also has Omega 3 which many people lack in their diet.

2 - 12 - 2019 Today was productive and I managed to complete every daily goal, abstain from anime and such, don't fap, work for college and do chores. I started a new book "how to tame your gremlin and while reading I realized how aware I have become about this voice that tells me things and that I grew a lot and developed some form of resistance to it, but off course I'm not immune.

1 - 12 - 2019 Today was a wasted day. I went to bed in the morning because of going out and I will go to bed soon, so my day was very short. I will only write this entry and meditate and nothing more. I didn't learn anything new today except that I made an unwise choice to sleep so late.

30 - 11 - 2019 Today I was very tired I napped for 1 to 2 hours while I drank coffee before, I didn't know this was possible. Wing chun was very fun today, but my forearm bones hurt from blocking punches. I again look really forward to going to the gym next Monday. I notice my belly getting a bit fatter which is good. Currently I weigh almost 75 kg! After typing this I will go out and have some fun with a friend and maybe an old peer from high school. I'm still astonished that I like dancing and going out. The last time I got noticed by 5 girls which was fun, but not my goal. I'm happy that my ex showed me the way of going out, otherwise I wouldn't have done this I think.

28 - 11 - 2019 Not every task is completed. Failed nofap again. I'm looking forward to work out again tomorrow. My tooth hurts. Despite the alchol from yesterday I didn't have a lot of muscle soreness. Mentally I felt good today.

@Rasheed Soy milk in my case has negative effects, like colon pain and thin toilet sludge. I once read that soy can be bad for your health if you eat it everyday, but that has to do something with the way it's processed. Corn is foor the most part indigestible. If you chew it you will notice that the other layer doesn't digest with saliva which is a the first process in digesting. Also if you shit look at it and you will see that it indeed didn't digest. I don't think your body has benefits from it. I personally experience a lot of gas from corn, which I think is because it's mostly indigestible. However I think some people can handle it better than I do. The best thing you can do is trial and error. Eat soy everyday and notice how it effects your wellbeing. Then eat corn for a week and so on. For protein I eat green beans, red beans, brown, white, black beans (black beans are the best), chickpeas, peas, peanuts, chia seeds. And I even got heavier from it!. These are way better alternatives in my opinion to soy.