Pelin

Fear. Fear what the future brings. Trapped in the future and paralyzed. Feeling so small and vulnerable, not being able to impact. And to impact whom? There's nothing to impact but me. But me. I'm so small. And I'm the universe at the same time. I am the fear itself, and I am the one who stands.

I know this place is not where we should discuss politics and it is not what I want. However, I find it quite hard to stay hopeful and sane during the times that my country face. Like terrorist attacks and suicide bombings aren't enough, these days there has been a "military coup attempt" in my country. People are crazy, killing each other, you hear jet planes above your house and sonic blasts that break glasses. And the crowds on the streets, religious authorities calling people to the streets to stand in front of the tanks for God's sake. Even right now when I'm writing this there is a call from the "minaret" calling people to the streets. Here I am, at home for two days, just thinking, remembering Leo and trying to stay cheerful but something happening on the street, a message from friends or comments from family members bring me back to the reality and what a sh****y world we live in. It's like a glimpse of war, and very hard to stay hopeful. What are your insights on this? How can one find a state of mind that is not affected by the social crisis that is going on?

The illusory one is I guess conformity. Just today I was talking to my sister on this. She wants to pursue some voluntary work, but nearly all non-profit organizations follow a political ideology. And joining that organization (in)directly means you support their ideology. The politics are so messed up in my country right now that even if you just want to have a friendly conversation with, let's say family or coworkers, you have to choose between the nationalist or religious conservative ideology. The (big) benefit when you choose one is that you will at least be a part of a community (of lies and you'll have your share of the war between ideologies as a bonus).

Today I attended a morning yoga session and I found out my muscles are so tense I need a lot of work to stretch them. In the meditation after the yoga session, I felt different sensations in my body and although I felt difficulty in concentrating (because I have a slight loss of hearing which made it challenging to hear the teacher, I kept looking around to see if the teacher ended the meditation or not) it was very good towards the end. And I didn't hear the teacher of course, I heard people starting to get up so I opened my eyes. Everyone thought I was sleeping but it felt like a trance to me, it was quite different from what I experienced before. Another big thing that happened today was I got the nerves to share my blog on my Facebook wall. You know "the likers", they hit the like button on about everything, but still, lots of people "liked" that I was blogging so that was encouraging. I've had a tumblr blog which I occasionally posted on personal stuff for 5 years now, and nearly none of my friends knew about it. But now I feel like it is time to open up because I think I can spread the word on minimalism and the spiritual change that comes with it. And I can pursue my passion in writing without obsessing about fiction. When I delve into fiction, I cannot get out. Maybe it still isn't time I wrote fiction. Still not sure.

11th July. I've been on a vacation for the last week, mostly away from technological distractions, and with my husband and in-laws. It was sometimes stressful, sometimes fun, sometimes peaceful. I don't like to swim unlike the other members of my family, so after a few minutes of swimming I mostly sat on the beach, contemplating. I got to think a lot on mental minimalism and clearing my mind. One thing Kazancakis mentioned in his book "Zorba The Greek" stroke me and made me ponder. He wondered that if we were able to focus on one, only one thing, what kind of miracles we could accomplish. It would be pretty awesome but the hardest thing in the world as well. Also noticing the native Aegean people sitting around all day doing nothing made me curious as to their wisdom. My mother-in-law thinks they are wasting their time. She is the person who reads so many self-help books and claims to be your everyday guru but she is soo away from that. Seeing her, I once again realized that speaking to people who you will never get through because of the ego wall is useless. She is, like many others, always in the defensive mode while talking. So tiring to talk to. I also got the time to observe my feelings a lot. I simply lose myself while in PMS and hurt people. I need to figure out a way to control my feelings, especially at that time of the month when hormones get crazy. But today, for example, I realized I was more able to control them and let my anger go more calmly. More mindfulness necessary.

Okay, so if you've had this feeling before you'll get what I mean. 16 years ago there was a giant earthquake in Turkey and luckily my hometown was not so near. It killed thousands of people. That night two minutes before the earthquake my mum wakes up to drink some water. She never wakes up in the middle of the night. She feels the earthquake only subtly, wakes my dad but he doesn't care. When she wakes up in the morning she turns on the TV and sees massive destruction. Or last night I went to bed at 11. I was waiting for my husband to call me at 12 from abroad but I fell asleep. I woke up from a nightmare at around 3, and my husband called me a minute later. What is this? Sixth sense? Or collective consciousness? Communication on a subconscious level? Or just pure luck?

Much as we talk about inner development, we live in this world and we have to go to work/school nearly everyday. Looking at Leo's early videos with casual style shirts and now his black background+black shirt which makes a statement, I guess style does matter. I was also thinking about the hippie movement, which certainly makes a style (hair musical, for example) and the style in a way made them more memorable. However, I cannot say I have found a style that will last through my life, other than jeans&a tee which I nearly wear everyday ( thankfully my workplace doesn't have a dress code). What are your thoughts on this? Does style matter for you? Do you feel like you need to make a statement with your clothes/accesories etc.?

Yes I agree with most of you here, I was asking the question as a form of self-expression, and regardless of fashion and its ugly industry. I was thinking about Dalai Lama and Buddhists, I was thinking about hippies and such. If thought movements have a certain kind of style, what about this community, I wondered. But also a lot of mindfulness is needed when it comes to what we put on our body, as well as in it.

I like guided meditations as a beginner to meditation, and yesterday I came across and did a third eye opening guided meditation. Didn't feel more than a tingling, but when I checked the comments I was scared as sh**. People talk about seeing entities from other dimensions, visions and stuff. I already experienced having prophetic dreams before, or sometimes my intuition is so strong it scares me. It's been happening since childhood and I always thought it runs in the family, both my father's and mother's sisters have a very strong intuition. I never thought it is about chakras and stuff. Have you got any experiences related to opening this chakra? Should I go for it or refrain?

This may help. It draws a fine distinction between happiness and excitement.

1st July. I can't believe it's been one month since I started this. Time flies. First of all, I am successful in abandoning my video games addiction although I sometimes feel an urge to find some way to unconsciously look at the screen. So video games was just the outer layer. In the upcoming days I'll need to peel the inner layers so that I can no longer be a victim of the screen. Related to self-actualization, every passing day I try to increase my mindfulness. I haven't set up a meditation routine yet, it's like every two days now, but I try to watch myself in everything that I am doing. And I also try to be more mindful of my inner and outer world. Sometimes I am so mindless about my outer world that I forget lights open all day, I put things in the wrong places (such as olive oil in the fridge), I tend to be clumsy because I don't care about the stuff so it impacts the quality of my life for sure. For the next month I also want to practice mindfulness in terms of my outside world. And I shouldn't forget, I learnt a lot from The Four Agreements this month. I am still struggling with being impeccable with my word, though. Still, it gave me the kind of awareness I need when it comes to talking. Related to writing, I started a blog about minimalism and food, and hope to expand it and raise the quality. Right now it's just on test-drive, and soon it'll be public. I am both happy and a little bit insecure about this, but hey, what do I have to lose right? Experience is the biggest teacher anyways. Wow, I thought I didn't do much but that's a good first month of awareness I suppose

29th June. Yesterday and the day before my energy was so low, I didn't know what I was doing, I had no consciousness whatsoever. I had a bad feeling and I numbed myself through hours of watching romcom series online. My husband came early from work yesterday and said he needed to leave for Dubai an hour later. And what happened was he was able to escape from a shooting and a bombing at the airport, which left more than 40 dead and 200 wounded. I was waiting anxiously at home, not knowing what to do. At last he managed to get out of the airport, and I was like feeling relief for him but feeling like sh** for the ones who died. This isn't the first time in Turkey (and the world of course), for a year now, the terrorists are everywhere, and they are fulfilling what the name suggests, they spread terror and fear all along. These people had dreams, they had children, they were children. Now they are nothing. It's hard for me to understand. I don't fear, but I can't understand why so many innocent people have died this past year, the outer war is so much invading my inner peace, even to the state of conquering it. And thinking of my husband, he is one of the survivors this time, he has to live with the trauma now, he is still in shock. The trauma which makes you question the human nature is so strong... And who knows about next time...

6 lessons from Master Yoda about mindfulness, I really like this one. http://blog.zparkl.com/mindfulness/mindfulness-lessons-by-jedi-master-yoda

June 26th. Today I watched Leo's video on Spiral Dynamics. While I was watching I was like nod, nod, nod. I don't really know where I am, and as Leo suggested some parts of you are in different colors, so I will try to come up with a short bio because all these colors make so much sense regarding my development as a person. In high school I was very blue. I felt I belonged in the Muslim society and I prayed a lot, made a lot of religious friends and it made sense to me. I was also very nationalistic, I was proud of my national identity. Yes, very blue. At university, I started to take an interest in anthropology, sociology and environmentalism although I majored in English Language Teaching. I ended up minoring in sociology and being the head of the environmentalists at my university. I dropped my beliefs regarding religion or nationalism, I was just interested in understanding the world and saving it. I was in green, I suppose, you could see me in protests against nuclear power, holding panels on GMOs and protesting against CEOs and big corporates for not caring about their employees and the environment etc. I'm glad I did all of that but I am also glad I passed this stage. However, I can see that some part of me was an orange and is an orange. I studied a lot in both high school and university. I attended the top tier university in my country and graduated with a high honor roll. And I ended up as the head of the environmentalists, although it was just like someone nominated me and everyone else said Yes. So I had some kind of ambition in me to achieve high. Lately I came back to my university as an instructor, and I had to work hard for it for six years. So, yes, I admit, there is still some orange within me. Now, what I believe is a part of me is yellow as well. Has always been but never this high. Because I remember the fascination I had in my high school philosophy lessons, feeling the unity of the universe that amazes me, and the need for creativity, inspiration and learning. This part of me refused to grow because as Leo pointed it out, sometimes my open-mindedness made people really angry and I could not resonate with some of the people that I love because of that. They made me feel like I was in the wrong stage, but seeing the video I understand nobody's right or wrong. I have to embrace the yellowness within me so I can transcend my orange and green parts. So happy I've learnt about this.

Leave your phone and everything electronic at home, and go to a library. When I was a student, I always went to the library or the study room in my dorm to study. Being with people who work hard kinda makes me want to study as well, and I can do my best to concentrate. If you are in front of a computer and discussing in a forum you'll never find quality time to study. If you have some research to do and need the computer, what I do is I download all the articles I need before I go to the library (even printing on scrap paper works great). In the library I don't turn on wifi, which keeps me very focused. The feeling/urge "did someone give me an answer on the forum?" "did someone like my photo on one of my pages?" always keep you busy, whatever it is I want to do; study, work, meditate. Get unplugged @jes

Maybe it is kind of an addiction, but I talk a lot. I talk about myself, nature, my interests, even other people so I realize afterwards I wasn't mindful at all. I am okay practicing awareness in other activities, but in talking it is just mindless stuff that comes out of my mouth. any tips or advice or reading suggestions?

@Natasha I am a teacher, and there is something called TTT, teacher's talking time and the optimal condition is where it is low and Students TT is more. And very interestingly, I am as mindful as I can be while talking as a teacher. And I do my best to be mindful while students are speaking. Yet I cannot apply it to my daily speech. But maybe realising it is a step

Thank you, @Mal and@Darius Lt , these are some really good ideas. I talk quite fast. I can sometimes reduce my speed when I am translating from another language in my mind, but otherwise I talk very fast in both languages I speak. I will try to pause instead of getting caught in the moment. And observing the other also seems quite powerful, I'll try it out as well.

June 25th. 1. Simplicity and minimalism. I'll go ahead and declutter my pantry today. 2. Self actualization. Watched one of Leo's videos on planning self-actualization work. Watched a ted talk which aligned with Leo's view on "always do the more emotionally challenging thing", it's an idea worth implementing. Most of us are not gaining results because we are afraid of the challenge. Mindfulness meditation for about ten minutes, but really I am trying to apply mindfulness in my daily activities and it is really interesting to do. 3. Writing Today I've discovered I can maybe mix& match my two passions which are minimalism and cooking. It may be original and very much me. still discovering content and taking notes but my idea of the blog seems clearer every passing day.

I cannot say I practice Islam but I grew up in a Muslim country so I can say a few words I suppose. First of all let me start with what Muslims think about Christianity and Judaism. They think that their words were misinterpreted to the extent of not having a trustworthy holy book. That is why they believe Muhammad was sent and brought a final book from God once and for all. So they believe the Koran is the final word and it may not be changed. But here the conflict starts. If you cannot change the book, what will you do to have it serve you? You will change the interpretations of course. And some parts are so vague that you can really interpret one version as black or white. So there are millions of interpretations now. If you just look at how Turkey and Algeria and say, Dubai practice Islam, it's ridiculous. Having studied religions from a sociological perspective, all I have to say is religions and rituals are made to serve a society. If these terrorists were born to another religion they would use that religion. You have Nazis that carry Bible with them, you have Israel that bombs Palestinians, and you have f****** Isis that bombed and killed my students. About understanding, you wouldn't understand a single thing before gaining knowledge about it. All of us are ignorant in some subjects, we can't know it all, so it's okay that you ask. But we can help you just with things we know. Take a look at Bloom's taxonomy in learning, you have to first know to understand. So seek to gain knowledge. I once read Koran and Bible and was surprised how those two were similar. So I suggest you read bits and pieces, if not the whole book.

@Carrie wow, Carrie, thanks a lot for your honest answer. It means a lot to me.

@Electron while I was reading the four agreements companion book today, I came across this q&a. I think it might be useful:

I once read in a book something like this: If someone doesn't understand without being told, they won't understand when they are told. I thought about this a lot, it sometimes just proves itself. My father is just like yours, and sometimes even if he says "I need to be healthier" from the outside (cause he kinda has to, he has the prostate cancer at an early stage), but on the inside I know nothing people say can help him quit his bad habits. He has to see it for himself somehow. But sometimes there are some people, I think nearly everyone in this community, who needs just a small push/reality check to start questioning and realizing. Maybe you need to check it out, what I see is there are some people who are worth it and some not at all.

June 23rd. towards my goals, 1. Simplicity and minimalism. no conscious effort for two days but maintaining an almost clutter free living room. making my bed every morning which reminds me to meditate because somehow the bed became my meditating place. 2. Actualization I watched "negativity cure" from teal swan and lately I can't help but focus on some words while watching or reading something. Today I focused on "subtle" and "nuance". I feel like most people, especially in self-help community miss the subtle nuances here and there, including me. Some concepts are so subtle you have to experience that concept itself. When you put it into words they are just words. 3. Writing Not much done related to fiction, but related to my blog my friends were really interested. They suggested some ideas like making it bilingual and about local food. So still thinking about the name but the content is more or less starting to appear in my mind. I'm excited!

June 21st. just as I was struggling with the notions feeling, thinking, and being aware, I watched Leo's last video on awareness being curative. A week ago maybe I'd watched Mooji's video on playing games and meditating, meeting friends and meditating and since then I've been thinking like how I can manage it. Sometimes I feel like all there is to meditate is awareness. And when I achieve full awareness I can meditate without the limitations of reality. And then... i don't know. I'll have to figure it out by experimenting.