governor

hey, I normally would "run like hell" from any forum talking about "emotional " crap, but this place does seem a little different...so... could I ask something-I'm going to try to make it short and clear... (and btw I understand anxiety and honestly hope at least some of you can work that out-I know it's difficult). only a few points of me matter in my question - I have daughter who is so called "mentally ill" and is hospitalized. (not the fun kind of "ill"-the never ending, tricky, violent kind) - the father has issues (water on the brain-he's had surgery, but...) he thinks he needs to do "justice" to me for my daughter (because it's always got to be someones fault) - he's violent -I supposedly have abandonment issues from childhood-a belief I need to be strong, and make it on my own, complex trauma ,ptsd, ocd, bla,bla,bla. it's freaking ridiculous- the most non-productive load of crap I ever heard. so a few years back I started meditating and seriously working on fixing this crap in my head on my own -there were no other options. I am a "master" of dissociation, but its become very non-functional. I am briefly working with a trauma counselor, who says "no one is this strong"...I argue "everyone has the potential to be that strong"-- here's my question (finally) I hope it makes sense...is there a way to somehow use the mind in some way to be able to suffer, but not be affected? for example- could a person somehow live inside this unstable ,always changing, "world" of mental illness- and yet not be affected by it? anyway... thanks...Idk

I hope things don't change back-i'm not going to think any further than that down that line of thought! unfortunately-this is almost never true- maybe know one really knows- maybe i'm still just trying to find a way around something I already know the is no way around... I need to stop thinking and go back to just doing what I can ---then hang around in the sunshine with my stupid friends who don't understand (just because it feels good-not because it's productive or useful)- play some guitar -hang out -but it always seems like a waste. I really don't want to quote anyone but...maybe leo has a good point when he says you cant out think yourself. (I don't listen to a lot of his talks, but my husband does sometimes.) didn't want to quote him but I did anyway. I guess its ok to take a little tip from someone else sometimes. this part...hmmm...not sure what exactly your trying to imply... but I think your wrong ...

@Mal well-yea, like 'sitting'-I know it doesn't really matter, but I still wonder what meditation is doing. for ex. I feel weird sometimes in that kind of a meditation.i don't know how to explain it-maybe like "un-focused ,foucus", like focus not directed- -sort of like 'poofy' or maybe heavy or maybe thick. none of these words are exactly what I looking for-but a "feeling" especially across my chest- down my arms-but if I focus on it at all even a little it just stops.if I even just think what is that-or even try to tell where it starts ( at my hands going up-or at my chest going down ) . also I feel like I'm going to throw up a lot of times after,i won't ,it just feels like I will. other noticeable differences with the "in my head" stuff. a therapist a few weeks ago said her opinion was trauma seems to be coming at on its own (I don't see one but I still think they a trained with a lot of cool,useful skills and they're cool to talk to)- that's interesting. people say things like something seems to be working for ya!...but I always wonder 'really -am I the messed up one it feels like it. I don't want it to end up that all I did was end up perfecting coping skills or something like that. idk- probably none of this makes any sense anyway.

I could quote the whole paragraph, but this seems to sum it up ---I appreciate it. it's difficult. thanks.

@Mal wait--just in case you answer let me re - ask my real question---my meditations are becoming a little messed up --just different -but nice---are your meditations different from a "watchful " position?

@Mal I never know wtf is happening. thanks. can I just ask your opinion. I don't know you and you could be as messed up as I am who knows ,but, this style of meditation is different for me and it has had a very different effect. what does progress look like. my meditations are becoming very different than they used to be. I don't understand.

@charlie2dogs um, hey...if your not busy,could I just please ask one thing...are you saying yes its possible thru self awareness or liberation or something like that? how? i want to be kind and strong and all that like i "should" be, but we're stangers so i am just going to go ahead and ask my whiney little girl question...how is it possible ? i mean in a real life practical way---is it possible to week after week -year after year go into these adolescent pysch hospitals and not be affected by the crazy extremes---chemical restraints ,self harm, ect..from the children - tears, anger ,blame, all the 'normal' reactions i watch the parents expressing. one kid goes crazy and they all go crazy-its insane.one little 5 year old attacks other kids like he's freaking demonized (that was a bad joke -i not buying into demon bullshit or something ). therapist are nothing more than a struggle for me--i have drug addict friends who aren't as pushy with thiere drugs as these therapist people are... i realize i am not doing well with life...are you guys suggesting to each other that if you just let things happen somehow your ok with whatever happens? i honestly can't even tell anymore if life makes me sad or just pissed off. the hard thing is none of whats happening is necessary- its all easily changeable, its just that drugging children and writing them off as damaged-not worth the effort is not ok- its not a made up idea my "self" formed .(ok -it is but you see what i mean, right?) .how ? is it just a pretty made up idea that there is any way to deal with people and not be affected? am i just asking the wrong questions ?

@Mal I'm probably just reacting like a b*tch right now-and your comment sounds like it was probably ment as something "nice"-or whatever but the truth is I couldn't care less what anyone on a internet forum says - i'm only interested in- if anyone is actually "making it"- I can't find anywhere in life where any thing is worth anything. just bullshit from a different angle. oh, without that I really would have taken this forum so personally--

@Mal just off the top of my head -it probably is some hang-up i'm having ( what a person says -all these stories, they have a very real set of effects )--I don't want to cause any effects, and I don't want to receive any effects--it's new for me I didn't have that habit before- I think the past few years of life has made me either really crazy- or- really not crazy, depending on who is speaking. i'm just sick of the whole deal--but if you let to much of that come out-definite consequences will follow- people will react. . idk. i'm kinda sick of people. i'm a little sad about I think... oh well-anyway ...

um, ok...I am a little interested ... but i'm not sure what your asking- why do I feel like i'm rude---some people call it guarded- I just think I have to be careful of what I let come out I guess-i'm not really sure right now.

@Mal I apologize- I'm struggling a little- this was a little much for me - i'm embarresed -i try to contain myself- I don't have anything else to say.thanks.

just freaking great-thanks. watching my child be drugged and institutionalized-fighting the system-fighting myself- pretty much living the freaking dream right. I also don't want any new friends don't want a freaking thing from any freaking body - i'm done- cats aren't humans. what i'm wondering is are human connections necessary--I try to make the answer be no--but i'm afraid the answer might be yea, kinda-unfortunetly.

@Kath I think with any thing it helpful to limit the things working against you if you can --I know you've heard it before but, exercise is amazing-it feels better to have your body working better-more energy, ect... 15years ago after my second child I saw a photo of my but and thought "hell no"--that's all it took. but the effects of exercise physically and mentally are pretty amazing.--just a thought.

@Mal geez mal- are you ever just curious about another person? not wanting to teach or learn- just connect like a human or something? I still wonder the same question as before--how does it feel for other people.-maybe i'm the crazy one. maybe it's all of us who freaking knows. how is life for you --I don't know why I always feel like I should apologize to you for my rudeness-but whatever. I apologize.

i'm just curious what exactly do you think might be not healthy--like what are you doing?-if you don't mind me asking. maybe your doing something counter productive or maybe its kinda like when you do exercise and it burns and you keep going, but, it seems like your abs aren't tight yet...then one day you look in the mirror and see- daaaaang-my abs are really toned- it really hurt getting there and I thought it might not be worth it but- daaaaang -it happened - I personally think change is always a little uncomfortable-but it's going to happen anyway -with or without you-change is always happening- even if whatever your chasing is a wild goose chase at least you will know it is and that will be done - you can know you don't need to look there anymore--or maybe you'll find something else- then start getting active -it hurts for a while-but it feels good to use your body!-seriously- start small , you already know that speech-right?!

@Armand -I'm no expert but in "self" hypnosis it really seems like a good place to start would be understanding nominalizations--what they are and how its useful--so my understanding of this is--they are words that have no real meaning-like beautiful/ugly or - peaceful / unmanageable . words that force you to look inside for a meaning. then maybe understand how "induction" works. and remember your 'brain' or 'mind' or 'whatever' doesn't like to be 'told' what to do - it will kinda resist - so give it options but control the outcome! for example---you can relax 'now' or 'in a second from now'-your brain gets to think it chose but the outcome was the same both ways! I love hypnosis. let us know how it goes for you if you continue working with that. btw-- I am starting to wonder if maybe there is a different school of thought that says beyond that-really-NO words really mean anything...just saying...it's pretty interesting...

um...hey, so I stopped asking about this subject years ago , but , I actually am going to go ahead and ask one more time... how is this skill helpful or usable in any way...people have lots of ways to explain it away... I could go on but I usually don't- no point.... people don't understand anyway... what do you guys think? i'm curious...helpful usable skill, or just a thing that happens... (I almost never admit this to anyone but once this happened and I saw someone I hadn't seen in years -no sound- but it was odd I watched his friends frantically realizing he had died in his sleep -It was the most calm thing I've ever felt...-a few hours later they called my phone (in real life) to let me know he had died.----it was odd but that's all... once it happened while I was awake- seems kinda irrelevant or something ... i'm not sure...maybe just another thing to get distracted playing around with... helpful, usable, waste of time, not even important, what's your opinion?

you like to debate,huh---or maybe I'm wrong. you said "I feel like I'm going to be in a rut until August when I can" -so sounds like you might have a little breathing room for a minute.... you said " Going to try to fix myself & my emotional state." -fix? seems tricky. be careful with that . let me know how that works out for you. (I don't mean that in a offensive way-even tho in type it seems like it) btw- sorry for the way i'm writing but my computer is messing up -and I can't just quote ---- see ya round.

"don't forget to breathe" ;) lol- you said "It feels like a psychic attack" -not that it matters but I've thought that before as well-I don't think it is - but who knows... you said "my body is surging with toxic emotions. & I feel the panic ---. Any tips?"--could it be that? -maybe breathe -get your feet under you and get the heck back up--find a way then...but what do I know really ..I have issues....anyway, was it you that was talking about your instruments -(do you play?) something

I was driving and my thoughts(social conditioning) started spinning outside of my head, I could literally feel them being part of me... :) were you literally driving... like driving down the road lost in thought like this?! don't drift off into someone elses lane. ;) be careful out there

I personally don't debate politics so i'm out on this one...but... maybe you could develop some new skills that might be more useful or maybe not

I am so rude today and I apologize in advance and all, but....forget leo for a freaking second...what do you call that voice... I've been hearing a voice at times for over 30 years now yes " outside of me "-- here's what I think ...it's coming from you - what does it say - mine is usually pretty freaking rude...or maybe i'm just crazy.

maybe you can stop sinking-work from where you are now---rather than a free fall all the way to the bottom. maybe not. obviously we are very different people...but I feel for you ...I also eventually walked away from my long standing job with a title and benefits because I couldn't watch whats happening any more.--its an interesting dilemma, huh. I honestly hope you find a way...

but,what happens with the "lower self" when it's seen as nothing more than an illusion? (it kinda seems like saying to a kid its just the wind -when inside your just hoping like hell that it is nothing more than just the wind making a lot a noise as it goes along) does the "lower self stop being? does it yield, actually break, does it lay low waiting for another opportunity to do what it does?

oh -I forgot to put the word--Dharma