Elisabeth

Reading your newer answers too, I would say, do what you're compelled to if you must, but listen very carefully to your body and mind. It is great that you have motivation, but don't crash and burn simply because of ignoring warning signals of being overstressed and overwhelmed. Even if you don't burn out psychologically, intense and stressful studying is very easy to fuck up your health. Just to illustrat this: after first year of university I met with my classmates and each of us could list one or two chronic diseases that have developped or significantly worsened over the last year (usually stress-related) . And that's the wrong way to do it. So, be attentive to your body's needs, and don't neglect excercise, self-care and relaxation.

Go get the experience you need, and keep open with this. Finishing your degree is a stressful time, you may feel all kinds of overwhelmed, while when it's over you may remember the love you once had for the subject.

Isn't that a false contradiction? How does an attitude of accepting reality ("thigs are how they are") stop you from knowing how they are?

I am somewhat compelled by the vision, although not really on board. I haven't been completelly on boad with enlightment either. What does appeal to me is developing mastery of oneself, especially emotional mastery. I'm very much looking forward to the promissed "energetic body" video. What appeals to me is living well in the present moment. I would say I wish to be sage, but not necessarily a Sage. I do grasp how sage people have a strong presence. I probably haven't met one of the greatest, but I have met at least two great women who I would certainly call sage and who became kind of my role models. One was my math teacher, very dedicated to teaching (not only) the tallented and showing the beauty of logic, while still very emotional in her expression. The other is a retired librarian with a wast orientation in both old and contemporary literature and film, and a master of the art of storytelling. She gives talks on sci-fi conventions, and if it isn't myth she is narating, she likes to talk about difficult all-human topics, which generally take currage to talk about, like pure evil and suffering, war and love. These women radiate care and kindness, as well as curiosity, and their knowledge in their respective fields is admirable. There is an aura of both strength and vulnerability when they speak publicly, and love if you can meet them privatelly. And of course presence. When I'm their age, or even sooner, I want to be like them. Oh, really... he took his sex videos down... well, I don't know about how to make a girl squirt (I think it might have been a good technical introduction), but I am not sorry for the "how to have great sex", they had some good points, but all in all very not really high level and contained stereotypes.

Sure They were just random suggestions though, I don't know your situation.

Then doing this kind of thinking is not going to serve you well. I also think feeling sad is not a bad thing. It is your starting point just now. You have made a realization, that you want more from your life, and you are sad for the time you have already spent in unsatisfactory ways. I would actually start with working with that feeling, writing down exactly what you feel and think and any associations - for me, that would be many handwritten pages and maybe a picture. Then I would sleep on it and decide what to do next day. I disagree with @Bizarre on almost everything: but he has one point. Star very slow, babystep. Pick something, that feels easy to do. 5 minutes of meditation on your way to work? How nice. Writing down three things that brough you pleasure or that you are greatful for each day, if that is your thing? Recommended by 9/10 psychiatrists Planning events that you can look forward to? Great improvement to your life. Pick one thing to do. What else feels easy to you?

I do think accademia, particularly in natural sciences, is a little better then being a mid-level manager at coca-cola (which would be the more common type of "corporate"). I am sure there are also companies which have a healthy mission you can be passionate about and value the people who work there, so that you can tap into your passion even in a company. I personally am sticking with acccademia for now, though I am sure that with at least some more applicable science you can create your business. You can be self-employed and still do work for companies in your field for example, or you can run the development of some technology yourself.

Well if you can indeed, that is pretty amazing (and creepy). Never mind my disbelief, good luck.

@Schulzy Ok, random example. You learn by a coincidence that a friend of yours is cheating. Do you tell his wife? I'm not so interested in the result, but the process of your thoughts. I'm pretty convinced there will be a subjective judgement involved somewhere.

For me, "do nothing" is beneficial. I've heared Leos video for the first time when I was studying for my final exam and not able to relax at all. I sat down stopped controlling my attention, and I immediatelly felt a huge sense of relief. I've also had states of blis from this simple technique. Trying to do mindfullness, I stay tense (maybe not enough practice). I don't know if I can call my do nothing a meditation, but it is for sure the best way to relax for me which I have found ever.

What kind of moral do you consider scientific? You can build an ethical structure from little axioms, but what are the assumptions you're making? Hardly objective reality...

He may need emotional awareness. You can't help him with it. A psychiatrist may be a good idea, but if he doesn't want to go... let go of the rope Hopefully other folks have other ideas

@Paan Well, I've been in a slightly similar situation, so the topic feels personal to me. I didn't finish writing my theses on time and my parents insisted that I get a job. That would be fine (except for the tiny little fact that they didn't get, that I wouldn't be able finish even in the next possible date with a full time job), but they also went crazily anxious. That really didn't help. I've been working through my own fears and had that pinned down, I've been learning to go more at peace with life, but having to confront their anxiety (transferred partly into blame) in addition to mine sent me for a downwards spiral again. However, at the end my father helped me with my theses immensely, and I am greatful for that. So the other thing I'm thinking of, maybe your brother needs a completelly different kind of help then you think he needs. Maybe he's so afraid that he can't even get started with completing his resumé, and you could offer help with that. Maybe he'd like staying at home one more year and developing his skills on his own to start a business later. Maybe he's got a plan he cannot admit because your parents would disapprove, like working on his inner demons himself. Or maybe not, but he would really appreciate help with finding a part-time job he can do from home, because that's all he can handle just now. And most likely, all the theories me or you can think of are just completelly off. Have you tried asking him, what help he would appreciate most?

Paan, I'm sorry you are worried, but do you think he is suffering? Because to me it seem he's got basically figured out a lot of things. He knows he needs a job. He wants to go to school, he's even learning by himself (those 3D apps). He doesn't want to get involved with people. It seems you and your family, in good intention of course, are asking him to change. To be "normal", even on traits he doesn't want to normalize. This will, to the person concerned feel like being misunderstood, or worse like accusation of wrong doing or bagatelization of his free will. It is bound to damage your relationship further. You can offer to help him. You can be loving and accepting. You can't coerce him, by blaming him for how bad you feel, to meet your expectations. I suggest you do a reality check on those. For example, I get he has some indicators of mental illness, but living with your parents in todays world isn't one. Ultimatelly, it's not your job to make him not waste his life, nor is it your parent's job. Ultimatelly, it's not your brothers fault if your parents waist their lives. If he won't change, the only thing you and your parents can do is find peace in the situation and set up healthy boundaries for yourself. If he basically is able to get a job but doesn't want to, a reasonable boundary for your parents may be to cut the money they're giving him, or demand rent. I know you want to help him and feel responsable, because he's a son and a brother and he's ill, but at some point you have to let go of the rope .

I don't understand why you would change identity. You say yourself that you're greatful for your experience. So build on that. You seem to think all of your life is wrong, but really describe only three problems: Shyness ... which seems to ask for babysteps Depression ... which seems to be getting much better if not over Strugling to become independent from your parents ... which is totally normal in your early twenties To me, you seem to be headed in the right direction.

Hello, sorry, this ended up being long O:) I'd like to hear some advice from you folks on how to deal with crippling anxiety around exams. It's actually funny because I'm a little old to be new to this - I've already past my Master's and entering phd. Now, I'm really excited about starting phd. I finally get to work on real open scientific problems and it seems I'm good enough to actually contribute. I've done some work with my supervisor already which I am proud of and eager to do calculations on a new thing I'm starting now. During my studies the assignments were rarely fun and interesting enough to make me actually want to work on them each day let alone give me a sence of purpose, but open problems and collaboration with other people are. Trouble is, although my anxiety in general is improving, it seems my issues on the topic of studying got worse, not better over the past years and I still have a few more exams to do. I've already achieved so much (my Master's in theoretical physics was really hard), why would I be anxious? Well there is one good reason. I acnowledge I was a mediocre student at best in my field. I mostly struggled with the huge amount of stuff to learn, which didn't really give me the time or practice required to understand the subjects in-depth, and inconsistent motivation. As a result I sometimes struggle with stuff that could be considered basic. Having said all that, I know I studied to the best of my abilities at that time. My anxiety peaked at the time of my final exam, when instead of preparation I just spent half the time totally fear-paralyzed. I only went through about half of the stuff I passed due to sheer benevolence of the examiners. Since then, I was supposed to take one more exam, and anxiety returned enhanced by the fact that the examiner was my supervisor. I wasn't able to really start studying although the stuff was rather interesting. Now, the exams that are before me are in fact much easier then those I've achieved in the past. There is no reason why I should not be able to do them. I do have the background. But the mere thought of sitting down and studying with a deadline on my mind, or the thought of the volume of stuff I'm supposed to learn give me a crippeling cramp in my stomach. I've got a full blown selffulfilling prophecy going (fear of not being able to study leading to not being able to study leading to fear..., rinse repeat), and I have a real problem finding a way to turn it around, because it's so strong already. Also a part of it si, that I don't want to do these exams per se, I just have to get through them to finally do the science I want to do (exam-free!). I've watched my anxiety (so many times actually) and I know there are some backstories. The fears to it of not being good or capable enough (to pass the competition in my field, to support myself financially at all, to go to work like a normal person despite my past mental helth problems) seem to be rather subsiding with both the inner work I've already done on feeling better, and the outer circumstance of finding a good spot for my phd and getting some income however small. It seems weird to me that the anxiety on this topic is staying so strong, even getting stronger. I want to view myself as someone, who is capable of studying whatever. I want my preparation for exams to be as effortless as my work on open problems feels. I want to take confidence in my abilities again, the type I had when I came from highschool believing that I'm good on the subject and will surely do it. Any tips on how to start untangling the problem? How to work with strong, specific anxiety? How to shift my story?

Good joke

Hi Vercingetorix, thank you very much for writing. This sounds like a great tip. I think I've been watching kinda both. I try not to add to anxiety, but it's very difficult not to engage of course. I shall try watching emotions only then. I always ask, but I may remember to slow down to see if my emotions follow. Haha, yes, I do resist anxiety often. Although I am not entirely clear on the meaning of 'resistance'. Do you mean a thought roughly saying "I don't want this"? Funnily enough just before looking here I remembered the sedona method and wondered if it could be applicable, if used persistantly enough. I've tried it out a few times, but not for anything major. It's supposed to be good for dropping resistance, but (a question to anyone who has more experience) maybe it could be applied to anxiety directly?

@Yonkey Thank you. I still cannot imagine what my decision making would look like with "logic" as a core "value". I don't want to pursue logic, I do pursue understanding and I want to pursue love and compassion. I see paradoxes I can't reconcile. It's probably not for me.

Huge lots of maths, if you wish to. Don't worry about that. You'd find yourself studying general theory of relativity to properly understand the background, and quantum field theory to look into possible explanations of dark energy (well, unless you accept that it's just a "constant" in Einsteins equations). But I don't see the link to consciousness in there (unless you're happy to equate understanding the fundamental laws of physics with raising consciousness, in which case yes, go do theoretical physics and quantize gravitation, it's fascinating). Brainstorming: neuroscience, architecture (you like drawing), theoretical informatics (algortihms) If you haven't decided what impact you want to make, you may as well stay very general with your field of study (pure maths, physics or informatics). However, reading your text, I'd say spend some more time thinking about what are the most effective ways to raise consciousness, and what that phrase even means for you. Find what you want to achieve, and then learn the stuff necessary.

Yonkey, can you help me understand how alignment with logic works for you? From you now perspective: What's your passion and goals in life? What's your ethics? How do you decide what's wanted and unwanted on subjective matters (could be simple, like what color you like most)? How does love feel now, does it align with logic? Do you still love the same people in the same way? What about basic instinctive emotional stimuli, is it logical to save your life when frightened (by a tiger, or rather a car )? Do these instincts have the potential to overpower your logic? I can't fathom how to work these things out with logic (and it's just the tip of the iceberg). It's a little surprising to me, but I simply can't do step one. However I've listened to their guided meditation about step two, trying to find my core value, and although I didn't (want to) follow the recording word for word, and although I'm not sure if I got right what brings me safety, the interaction with my inner child was remarkable. What is it, that brings you safety, is a good question to pose.

If you've got a do or die situation, you go on solving do or die situations of course. No energy left for having a bigger picture. However, the very fact that you are here writing and watching videos shows, that you've at least got the free time and energy to dream, and plan and strategize. Not so much do or die every moment of your time awake. If you create a vision of what extraordinary things you'd like to achieve now, this vision may have enough momentum to carry you even further once your do or die is a little better. If you don't, the karma that bites you in the ass is getting complacent and settled in the only-slightly-better life that you create to help your financial situation. I'd suggest you think about your talents, and how to implement them on a very practical level to help you and your family, but don't let ethics and strategy and a sense of contribution to the world out of consideration. If you don't feel like pursuing a noble value, at least don't go agains them.

Actually, not being able to feel joy is one of the hallmarks of depression. When I was diagnosed depressed, I wasn't very emotionally aware. It wasn't until after the diagnosis that I admitted to myself the negative emotions I was feeling. Sometimes we don't want to feel a negative thing, so we supress all emotion. Now, I don't know if you're depressed. You may really be just lacking purpose. Or, you could also be exhausted - if you go on and on without propper time off, you can get into states close to depression or burn out. What helped me (re)gain and expand my emotional bandwidth over the years, was Therapy - simply paying attention to and trying to describe again and again how I feel (started my jouney into awareness) Falling in love. Now, that is probably not very useful, but I think some other life change could work too. Exploring sexuality. Closely tied to self-acceptance. Tantra is really good with these things. Interacting with people who do have passion, and especially some spiritual groups (both christians and "new age hippie") where they "force" you to express gratitude, or express anger, or do some connecting ritual, or or... Lately, meditation. Do you meditate? If not, please do. It could help you get more from all the other experiences. All and all, rediscovering my capacity for positive emotion was a pleasant journey once I stopped working on problems only (the therapy I had, which was very useful on a foundational level, but not that successful in opening me up later) and discovered more constructive ways to personal development.

Imagine you've reached that point. What will you want to do after it? (And if you say nothin' think twice.) I think that's the core question that could bring you closer to understanding what a life purpose could be for you.

I used a journal for years to clean my emotional mess. It wasn't a journal per se because I didn't write daily, it was just a nice notebook (ok, 10 of them, I've got them piled next to me now). I wrote everytime I became to emotional or depressed. I just wrote how I feel or what I think or what happened. Whatever. It calmed me down. It gave my thoughts a direction. I'm pretty sure it helps focus in the moment, and it helped me with my emotional awareness. I don't use it very often anymore, I just lost the urge at some point. I think I learned to go through my feelings and associated thoughts consistently even without pencil and paper.