Elisabeth

I had a bit of an emotional turmoil (I think I'll tell you in a next post). Very well spoken! I'll make a bigger list. @ivory Thanks, amazing resource! Haven't finished reading yet, but seems like excellent food for thought.

Once more I'm in need of a third-person view and little nudge from forum people Also, I'm just writing things out to process. I'm facing lasting trouble deciding what to do with my career & life in general. I was thinking whether I should post in the life-purpose section, then I decided the problem is more general. I'm 31, female, studied theoretical physics, currently in the process of writing a phd thesis, a few more months to go. Not sure what to do next. I have a partner whom I'd consider kids with, but we may not be quite ready. A few options come to mind as ... let's say simple, but not easy (or at least, socially approved of). 1) Try applying for postdoc, go abroad. Pros: Possibility to continue in science. Change. Cons: Pressure to perform all around & I don't feel like I have enough skill to offer. Job insecurity, high failure rate. My partner has commitments here and can't come with me. Overall feeling: Scary, insecure, unrealistic. Giving up everything for... work I don't love enough. 2) Leave science, go to the private sector. IT/data analysis is where people usually go to with my educational background. Pros: Using my analytical skills. Money. Relative job security. Change, trying new stuff. An environment conducive to learning practical skills. Cons: I never really liked IT, in fact I tried to avoid it as much as I possibly could in physics. Overall feeling: Mildly interesting if I can overcome my learning blockages in IT. 3) Have kids asap. Pros: I won't get too old to have kids. Cons: I'm not sure if I even want kids - I'm leaning "yes", but I have some emotional blockages which could play a huge toll on me when I take on the caregiver role. + It's putting off the career/life purpose problem. Overall feeling: Hard to even access feelings about this option. 60% potential to enrich my life, 30% to ruin it entirely. This is what I was considering, but I'm now aware, I don't feel excited about any of these options. Trouble is, if I want to pursue them, I have to take action now. I was also thinking of switching fields entirely and go work with people, in a therapeutic setting or otherwise, but 1) it would take a lot of time to transition and 2) I feel like if I did that, the analytical part of myself would be unfulfilled. I've explored the "working with people" direction with doing self-actualization / sharing groups. The one I started with my friends is still running successfully. Our trial to make the same concept public failed miserably. I did do the life-purpose course, but I never really figured out an impact statement that I'd be happy with. I do have a few pointers though (not just from the course, but also from my work experience): I want to use both my analytical skills & my empathetic people-focus skills connection (be it connecting people, or ideas) is important to me (https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/28562-first-shot-at-life-purpose/) discovery, pushing the limits of human knowledge, and also the beauty of abstract ideas is the part of science that I love my biggest struggle in life (that I partially overcame) I call isolation (loneliness, feeling different, depression, inability to connect) so far, I needed to interact with people who are interested in my work to get motivated I want my days to be varied, part-time interacting with people, part-time quiet introverted analysis or writing Overall (tl;dr): I'm being called to action by my life-circumstances, but I have no idea what action to take next. I've already introspected a lot, yet I struggle to see any direction in life which would get me excited & I'm unable to decide in favor of a direction. Also, I don't have enough info/experience, so analysis by paralysis is a thing. Most of all, everybody keeps telling me that it has to be my decision and that I can do "whatever I want" in life, but it's hard to even get in touch with the feeling that I want something as soon as it's one of these big life-changing decisions. What I'm asking about is not really what direction to go. What I need is to go meta to see and deal with whatever blockage there is in my decision-making. Help?

Oh yeah, and I forgot: Accademia is a pyramid scheme, with few on the top and many on the bottom. Every professor has many more students, striving to make a living through science and inadvertently failing. (Over here, at least most young scientists/teachers are employes, I understand in USA they are contract workers, making 'academic poverty' a thing.) The system uproots people in their thirties, making them move places and jobs quite randomly every 1-3 years several times if they wanna have a position in their beloved field, with devastating consequences for family life and sometimes health. This affects women disproportionally (since a career break for kids is close to impossible) but is problematic for men too. Sigh.

@Leo Gura Huh, I'm late to the party. Are you finished with the series? If not, I hope you can spare a moment on the practical aspects, to point out how the current method of financing based on short-term grants and counting the number of publications/citations ruins science (even in its limited version). As far as I can tell as a phd student, any good basic research in the last few decades has been done by driven, conscientous people despite the system, not because of it. You can't get creative with your ideas inside of academia and strategic with long-term research, because you only have 2 years of funding until you have to apply anew. You're pressed to publish prematurely, unfinished stuff cut into short bits. Nobody cares about repeating results, because then your finding is not new and journals don't care. It's impossible to learn about failures. So much is broken in how western society finances and incentivizes research.

It's a misconception to think that you are not supposed to feel anger towards a (blind) person stepping on you unconsciously. If someone has hurt us physically, it doesn't matter they didn't mean it - we still feel the pain. The same can be true for emotions. So if I go with your "extreme" example, sometimes realizing the person is blind brings up compassion that overrides the anger. This can be even practiced to some degree (buddhist metá meditation goes in this direction). But it's not a rule. If the incident has thrown you off your emotional balance, it can take a while to regain it. Your friend who lied to you can say "sorry, I realize my mistake", and then maybe a layer of broken trust is repaired between the two of you. The same can happen if you intellectually realize his reasons, and stop taking his lying personally. But even if that happens, perhaps you continue to feel the pain of being lied on. Most of therapy works with the basic premise that there's no "should" or "shouldn't" with regards to feelings. One reason to have this attitude is because if you put on a "shouldn't" from the very beginning, this effectively prevents you from really feeling, understanding, and processing the emotion. Your reaction tells you about your past and present, about your values, about your beliefs, standards, boundaries and biases, about what's important to you. You are not broken. If you want to be more mature, observe the upset with kindness and acceptance. You may try to ask "What exactly about the situation is it, that caused this hurt?" Often you'll see the upset is understandable. Another question is "when was the first time I felt this exact feeling?" (then look at the memory) to get started on shadow work. P.S. To expand on basic idea that emotional pain doesn't subside the very moment you've understood the other person's lack of conciousness: For more complicated life situations, true forgiveness is needed. But you cannot forgive while still in pain. Forgiveness only comes once you have outgrown the damage done and used it for your good. (I have this thought from Teal Swan, whose a very controversial teacher, but I think there's a grain of truth there https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nmd6b-PEO4k&ab_channel=TealSwan )

Make it a practice to accept (not necessarily act on) all of your emotions, especially the upset. I'd drop that whole "childish" narrative. There's nothigh you "should" feel. Quite normal to feel betrayed/upset when you find out about a lie. The maturity part comes in after that. Will you act out at your friend without realizing you're reacting to the upset? Or can you see the upset clearly and accept it - yet choose how to act with your thinking brain? How do you work with the upset itself - can you realize when it's rooted in past events? do you have the ability to live fully through it, as well as to observe it impartially or distract yourself if needed? Emotional mastery isn't about not feeling pain and upset - that's impossible, as far as my understanding goes. You're doing ok

Yeah, I think we can safely forget that line, no discipline here to pursue enlightenment seriously. I just have an irregular meditation practice, trying this and that in short bursts. I'm doing the more relative (emotional awareness and maturity) line of PD though and I don't think there's a problem with that - in fact, having a kid often boosts that line, both through necessity and reflection on how the parent-child relationship works. Although sure, it would be harder to take a weekend off for a seminar or something.

@Nahm

@LastThursday "Are these options real", yeah, that's a good question The postdoc option, I'm not even sure if it's real, I'd have to try and apply and see if I can get one. The IT/data analysis option is probably real, it will only be easier or harder to find a junior position depending on how deep of a dive the economy/job market takes with covid crisis, but I don't see a reason why the IT sector should drop too much. Kids are an option where it's hard to say the timeline. @AlphaAbundance Whoa, that's one hell of a long text. Thank you a lot for the effort! I've read through it. You are right there are many more career options to choose from. Trouble is spotting a good one How would you guys go about researching other choices/options which might not have crossed my mind as real?

I'll be happy for any insights, even if it's "I used to have that too"

Yeah, Seth is, but in that video, he's not the one talking...

@afy355 I don't know about derealization, but holotropic breathwork is sometimes used to integrate bad trips. The naturally reached altered state of consciousness helps to work with material that has previously come up in an altered state of consciousness. It's safer than tripping because if you want to come down you just need to stop breathing & there are people around who can help you out. If there's an experienced facilitator in your area, you should definitely talk to them and consider this method.

The interviewer tells his personal story on show. Green or yellow-ish, what do you guys think? Anyway, a great example of mature, courageous, vulnerable masculinity.

Leo, are you happy? Plus, I second this one

@Sunnyboytoni Two options - either it's not authentic, ie. you've been told to get results this way but it's not yours, or it is authentic but you're not as much in alignment with it as you'd like. To decide, I'd try to remember a time when you did do something courageous. How did THAT feel? (Also, it sounds like you're putting pressure on yourself. Like there's something in particular that you think you should do that is giving you anxiety. But that's now what you ask about in this thread...)

Whatever is available in your area. Can you get a regular work contract at 17 in your country? Perhaps it's possible to get employed in a bike shop, repairing and selling bikes under the supervision of someone older? Or maybe motorbikes or mown-lawers, whatever Just using your positive relationship to technical stuff and building on top of it.

@Leo Nordin Are you good in any art? Any marketable hobby? Any foreign language? Any web design skills? If not, you may have to resort to manual labor... or maybe you can be employed as a waiter in a coffee shop ... and sure, there's always macdonalds.

Talk to a psychotic. These people have often experienced the HOROR, a bad trip lasting months or years on end with no hope for relief. We've talked to a girl in the local psychiatric ward, who volunteered to offer insight, about what she's been through. She seemed exhausted just remembering these years. She recalled having no idea whatsoever that the demons were hallucinations - it was her literal reality. Another girl I know tried to kill her own mother with a knife. She's very kind and loving otherwise. If the mystic can encounter the same demons and return to the self safely at will - so what? It doesn't help any of these people. Maybe some of them can learn to transform their psychotic state into something more conscious, some of them really can't. That's why treat them.

@kag101 How are you doing half a year later? I keep recommending your post. There's at least one friend of mine who got asked for a referral to a psychiatrist because of it. Good work, man. I hope it's still working for you.

Antidepressants will mask some of the problems you have. But consider this: Once a week therapy is good and helps, but it's by no means an intense program. It can take years (and a good chunk of being lucky) to fully resolve psychological issues through therapy and PD work. In addition to missed opportunities, "not being functional" adds to trauma and low self-esteem. Most people don't handle it well if they aren't a useful member of society. Think of all the well-documented psychological problems that come with long-term unemployment - it takes just a few month of unsuccessful job search for people to just start falling apart. Plus it's extremely difficult to be mentally well if you're socially isolated due to illness. How much more capable will you feel having finished university despite difficulty (I assume you study, if not, insert another goal) vs. dropping out for mental health issues? How much more self-confident for other endeavours in life? Trust me, it makes a world of difference. Perhaps worst of all - if you're not functional, who are you going to depend on? Your parents, who caused your trouble? Antidepressants won't alter your memories or erase your emotions, they just give you some more peace and joy in the moment, so that certain emotional issues become less pressing. You can still do most of the analytical work you need to do. There is value in pressing through difficult emotions without the crutch - if you've got the mindfulness and equanimity, and a safe enough environment, to stay with them and not let them retraumatize you. Yet I'd like you to consider the full value of being socially functional. See also this report of a forum member for a positive view on medication.

If your anxiety is that bad, just take them if they help, as long as you need. If you do your personal development diligently, in addition to taking pills, it increases the likelihood you won't have to stay on them your whole life. But be prepared for a few years of antidepressants. Don't go off of them until you feel fully functional. Most of the work you need to do can be done while taking antidepressants, AND will be easier to do on them. If you go off them, without great individual guidance (both therapeutic and spiritual), IMHO you are very likely to just get stuck.

@Junin I think you can have a signature link to your website. @Nahm has one. Nahm also made his website on his own using a template, I believe. You can ask him why he didn't hire a web developer

Before you restructure your whole web... Find some people in your target demographic and talk to them about what they want. Try to get some clients that way, and not through internet marketing. You need experience with the target demographic. If you're not ready, at least collect some contacts - ask, if you can let them know when you are available, and get their email as "proof of interest". If you can't make a single "sale", not even collect contacts in real one on one talking, it's probably not a great idea. Check out if there are other developers working in your niche already. See how they work, how much they charge, if they can make a living off it. If there is no competition, it may mean that it's not a great idea - find out why. Talk to other web developers, who have already found their niche and have a business feel, run your idea with them to get their view. The website comes last. You should already know what exactly you are selling and how to sell it when you're making the content of the website. (so much the content of a "business for beginners" course I took in the spring)

@PenguinPablo I second this question. What do you mean by "nothing is going to work out"? Can you appreciate the things that have worked for you? Or are you seeking a solution to a particular problem, an emotion that doesn't have a name yet perhaps?

@IAmReallyImportant What are you trying to achieve? I hear you were thinking about getting life coaching or seminars in radical honesty... as a means to what end?