Elisabeth

@Ilya You're 19, are you just starting out on the studies?

Well, studying a subject you like is supposed to help you do a job that's less exchanging time for money but has also meaning to you. Doesn't sound like physics cuts it for you though. (Didn't cut it for me exactly either, I'm finished already but I feel there should be more bandwidth to my pursuits, kind of like you describe; but I must say that doing research on nanoelectronics is much much better than serving at mcdonalds, beware. ) Maybe you should first have a more tangible plan before you leave/change majors/find a job. What is it that you're gonna try? You could indeed find yourself at your parents' couch watching videos and sinking into laziness and depression if you don't. But you know, some people need to get totally lost before they find a direction, so don't take my opinion as an absolute.

What kind of a deal is that with the army? Did you want to go to the army? In case you do finish physics, do they have you do military research? Sounds scary I don't know about your values, but I would be conflicted on that point.

Thank you. I believe you're right. It's actually a point where I got stuck at the Life purpose course - having no idea what impact I want to have. I usually do NOT have the urge to actually go out and change things. My post was inspired by the #metoo campaign and our country's elections, which both, to my surprise, caught my interest and got me involved. I see this as a step forward for myself (being actually interested in what is happening around me instead of depressed and passive as I used to be in the past, or just introspective with no action taking as I tend to be today). It also had me thinking in this kind of general overview-like manner because I certainly don't want to go out there and cause more harm than good, hence I asked. (Edit: Maybe I'm actually more interested in intellectually understanding how it works, than actually doing it.) But I have yet to decide if there's a cause I want to take on.

Absolutely. Look, I've actually tried doing sexual stuff with guys whom I knew. I didn't have to go all the way to PIV to find the whole thing confusing and unfulfilling. (Unless when both of us could give it an extra spiritual dimension.) Besides, I'm dating a polyamorous man. I'm being judged anyway. If you'd ask about fear of diseases and pregnancy, that would be a more complicated question, if you'd ask about vulnerability, that's on spot here as I stated above. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this excursion into female (or at least my) psychology. What are your experiences with casual sex? Did you meet a lot of women who were up for fun?

I'd even say my attitude is rather typical, or at least certainly not uncommon (my wild guess would be that ~60% girls and ~30% guys don't wanna do casual, but it really is a wild guess). That's why monogamy is still an acceptable model for a lot of couples. If I feel I have a limited dating pool? Actually, no, I don't feel like that, although I guess it's factually true because I also have high standards concerning intelligence and other traits. Wanting to wait with sex a bit into a relationship hasn't limited me in any way so far. Only rarely feeling sexually attracted ... yeah, perhaps, now that I'm thinking of it, that's a bit limiting. But see, even if I'm only interested in 2% of guys ... I only need to build a good relationship with one (or two or three ;)) of them who's also interested.

Sex is something deeply intimate for me. Bonding feelings of love and closeness ensue. It's extremely easy to cause hurt to these feelings unintentionally. I need some emotional security to have sex - casual for fun is not going to fly for me. Also, there are very little man I feel sexually attracted to, and these attractions usually take some time (at least a few hours of observing him or interaction) to develop. All of that means pretty much that if a stranger approaches me about sex he's bound to hear a no. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for fun (there's certainly no SHOULD either) and some women will do it, but for me, sex is about surrender, and surrender is about trust, so I need a solid relationship or a special setting for the fun to be safe. I can enjoy bdsm or tantra on a seminar even with people I don't know well if I know that my boundaries will be respected, but I won't do PIV unless I have a relationship where, basically, I trust the guy to take responsibility in case of an unexpected pregnancy. This may sound harsh, but that's what I figure from observing my feelings, not something I impose upon myself or that I do to deny guys sex, LOL So to why I don't like men asking, I guess the honest answer is because it get's me into an awkward situation and showing my feelings on the topic is usually more vulnerability then I want to be with that person. Also, if these requests are done out of a deep frustration or perceived scarcity I have to deal with the disappointment of that person following my refusal. I can feel all those negative emotions of the one asking. Also, I want to be valued for more than being pretty (or worse having a pussy), so it feels devaluating if a man only wants sex with me and not a relationship. (That one is quite irrational and possibly conditioning, I know.) Also, it feels threatening - I haven't yet quite figured out why, but part of it is that it's usually not a direct honest question but a man making advances and trying to get into my zone of intimacy whom I have to reject somehow. And some don't take no for a no. So even if the question is polite, I'd either immediatelly have a second thought of "what's gonna be next?" or, if it's a stranger, a perplexed "why would I?" since I usually don't feel attracted to unknown men. But maybe I'll change my mind on not feeling attraction if I ever get single and horny

@MM1988 I was reading The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman and came upon something which reminded me of this thread, so I'm sharing in case it's useful to you or someone reading along. As a girl I don't like pickup (I don't like the idea of guys approaching me for sex only), but if this is how talking to a lot of girls works - making you not afraid of rejection - I guess that's useful.

@rush There's a little bit more leeway in that people like academics or programmers don't necessarily have fixed 9-5 working hours, can work from home even as employees etc. But it's still restrictive in terms of vacation time etc. There's people like massage therapist who can book time at some centre which will get clients for them - they also have a little bit of freedom to set their hours (and get paid less in exchange for not having to deal with the marketing and administrative tasks as much). But I resonate with your dilemma, just telling you there's a grey area between entrepreneur and 9-5 employee, which frankly I see growing bigger and bigger.

You're an idiot. When someone is in deep sorrow, you should be present with them and showing compassion, not linking websides. That's what good human connection is about. I don't care if these websites talk about deep existential Truths, it's still just concepts - wrong time wrong place. P.S.: I know you're doing your best to be supportive while also in pain. Please be gentle with yourself and the people around.

I totally understand your question. It's not like "should I pusue one or the other", but more like "how can I do both in a sustainable way", right? 'cause most of us, can't afford/ don't want to skip days or months at work because we've fallen into a depression or psychosis-like state and aren't able to concentrate on the day to day practicalities. I'm looking for answers about that too. So my take on it is that if you can manage your circumstances so that you're materially secure enough, that you can work for yourself and take a leave if needed, like Leo or like people who choose a real minimalistic lifestyle where they don't need much, that's best. It might be necessary to position ourselves so that we can take a year off, or two 12 weeks of vacation a year, or something like that, but while we're not there, we can still do some of the work. My other thought is that maybe we can become so grounded with our purpose and work ethics, that destabilization is not an issue - your passion and habit keep you engaged in the world and productive to some extent. Of course, if we hate our work/ are not on purpose, the willpower to do it vanishes real quick when we explore the more spiritual realm. So being really good with the practicalities might help. Related, with a lot of work we can choose our pace. If something's destabilizing for you today, chances are, it will be better after another year or two of personal development. So maybe you shouldn't go there yet. But yeah, I realize that controlling the process is unlikely to get me to the highest levels

I admitt that I have only been kinda-close to suicidal a few times in my life and it was never an unshakeable stream of thoughts, rather a feeling of "oh my god I can't deal with this anymore I want to die". What I have observed though with great surprise is that this feeling and thought actually doesn't respond to any unmanageable outside reality (as it pretends), but to a very here and now sense of exhaustion. So my - admittedly overly simplistic, but has worked for me - recipe for being suicidal is "take a nap" Sorry if this doesn't help.

@kieranperez I'm not sure what you're arguing with. I didn't say he's sleazy, I said he's giving you meds to help you cope with the problem, but that on it's own isn't fixing it.

I'm not sure if I'm really qualified to comment, but I did recently get off mood stabilizers (low dosage, no real withdrawal), so I did think about the topic a bit. When cutting down on medication, you'll basically encounter two issues the withdrawal symptoms the original problem which led to prescribing the medicine -- unless you've already moved past that IMHO medication makes sense if it buys you time to work on yourself and (for example) shift the mindset that led to you being depressed, but if on medication you did nothing about it, you're likely to encounter it again once you come off. This can also be a good thing because you'll have to deal with it :), but if you couldn't cope before (that's why you got medicated) and nothing has changed then it's likely to knock you off your feet again. That's why I think your above-quoted approach has something to it. The psychiatrist will tell you how to go slowly to manage withdrawal (hopefully), but he'll not tell you how to fix your original problem (that's why he's got meds, haha). If you feel strong enough to start getting off them, definitely start with the chemical that's the easiest to get rid of and take it easy one by one. Cut down on dosage slowly working with your psychiatrist, and look what issues emerge from your psyche that have been hidden by the veil of medication. The process can take months for each of the chemicals, plus maybe some stabilization period before you tackle the next one, no problem. You've got habits to develop to tame your unknown self, so there's no rush - but one more reason not to wait. On the other hand, one reason to wait could be if you feel that putting some habit in place first could really help, and another reason could be if your parents are not supportive of this and you really want to move away first. At least that's my take, good luck!

I haven't read any, and I can't imagine any book having remotely the same benefit as directly indulging in the world of conscious touch under the inspiring leadership of an experienced teacher and in interaction with others. Trying stuff out in a very supportive setting and mindfully watching my reactions is what changed my perception surprisingly quickly. But this author has been recommended to me and I plan to read her soon to get a bit of a theory background too: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margot_Anand

So, ehm, what exactly is your trouble with finding a relationship again? When I saw the title I was going to suggest tantra simply because a tantric course helped me very much in understanding and deconstructing all of my blocks around erotic attractions. It helped my self-acceptance hugely and shifted my view of the opposite sex. Yet I was not in the same situation and maybe you need to work at a different level, so I'm just throwing it out here for anyone who might be interested.

Yeah, sure. Didn't even learn the technique properly. I also wanted to give perspective - the whole post is a bit of an antidote against the unquestioned "meditation retreats are great" which is heard most often on this forum. It's also a bit of processing a traumatic experience. Meditation retreats may be great, but they do have prerequisites. I'm not sure why some teachers are happy to invite beginners directly to a retreat.

Oh yeah. If you lack motivation to do that, look at my experience I don't want to scare you, I just think building momentum is a really good idea.

If, after enlightment, there is no YOU, what sense does it make to ask if YOUR awareness is reincarnated? There's a concept of indistinguishability in physics. Understand it like this: Say you have a dollar. If you put your dollar in your purse, you can pull out the same dollar later, or a different one. You can tell. They are distinguishable. But if you put a dollar into your bank account and then, later, you transfer a dollar, how can you say if it was the same dollar? They are just electronic numbers, indistinguishable. That's how I imagine you after enlightenment. You become part of the whole, but you can't even tell anymore which parts were the former you. Except that in contrast to dollars in the bank the infinity is likely also uncountable.

Thanks to everyone who's participating! (I may come back to write a more elaborate answer later.) @Scholar Cool You actually widened my perspective quite a bit right now I'll think about the usefulness and implications of your viewpoint...

Hi, I don't feel qualified either, but there's a few ideas I can give you to pursue in your studies First, intuitively, there's a lot of trouble with the idea of "need more". I guarantee you that you have a completelly different idea about what you need in terms of material possesions that someone living in a third word country or even someone living where you live 60 years ago. Do you need a car? Your own room? Internet connection? Money to eat out instead of cooking your own meals? You can probably see how none of these would be considered necesssary a few centuries ago, but today in first world countries they are not really considered luxuries. As society around you grows richer, new "needs" are arising. You don't want to live bellow the standard of your own social group. Actually, a lot of people (given the possibility) will strive to situate themselves above average in their social surroundings, and that's likely how the bar is raised. You won't make people not strive for material possesions by covering their basics. Look into the history of communism, how nice the idea seems at the first glance and why it failed so spectacularly. Try to see the limitations of the psyche. Having said that, I totally don't want to dismiss your idea. IMHO society is still helped by making survival easy. There are even people contemplating and testing an idea very similar to yours. It's called basic income. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basic_income ) I'm a cautious fan , and totally a fan of having a less hours working week as the standard.

Your nickname is an alusion to that?

Exactly. I believe the point of the method is to stop distracting yourself and face the difficulty of feeling the urge, but not responding to the urge. Just observe. You can't do this undisturbed in college, but there will be times when you're at home and do have an opportunity to do so.

On the other hand, you can't put asside an hour to watch porn if you are at college, no? So that should not be an issue. I think the idea is really to mindfully watch the urge instead of following it. So. You can do that anywhere and it doesn't have to be two hours. And if it's at home and you'd normally follow the urge, than you can do a longer sitting. At least that's my take. Actually I'm not determined enough to confront my own addictions in this way.

@Fuse Not sure what's going on, but suggestion: Try it, when you really feel the "need" to indulge in your addiction. You will have to fight urges and really see the mechanism. I guess, I don't have that much personal experience. Else, maybe it's not the right method for you. No method is foolproof.