Elisabeth

Try looking up Tara Brach and RAIN. When she teaches meditation, she's stressing the need for both mindfulness and compassion. Compassion is not gratitude, but close enough. Something in your question gives me the feeling that her way of putting this may be something you're looking for.

I've been thinking about maturity while writing my post. But I don't see a problem, as long as you approach this with compassion and full disclosure,. You're willing to learn, that's why you are here. Previous experience with relationships certainly helps, but there are also a lot of people opening long-term marriages and failing spectacularly with non-monogamy because they still haven't learned the skills and have walled themselves in into their particular set of bad habits. Starting with the intention to be non-mononogamous right away --- you will likely get a steeper and more intense learning curve. You'll know sooner what you want from relationships. However, it will take a significant amount of time to sort all the stuff out. If relationships are a distraction to you (not my approach, obviously, but I still hesitate to search for a second partner due to time and energy reasons), monogamy is the path of least resistance.

Why finance? Anyway, https://80000hours.org/career-guide/anyone-make-a-difference/

As it must be. You're welcome. Visit the polyamory.com forum if you head that direction. Or drop me a pm. I don't know what sites are there for open/swinger type relationships.

Of open relationships? I think you're heading in a bit of a different direction than me. The article you linked states "This is our primary relationship. We make a point not to spend too much time with secondary partners. We can, and sometimes do become friends with them, especially if they hang around for a couple years, but we have to cut it off if it becomes more than that." I guess that's kind of a defining trait of an open relationship (vs. polyamory), but I think I can't do sex without being in a stable long-term intimate relationship. Well, I've tried (minus the PIV part anyway), and I tend to fall in love like immediately, so I'm more careful now. I'm in a relationship with a polyamorous man, a 'V' shape. I must say it's been a rough ride - I didn't choose to build this arrangement from the outset. I fell in love with him and thought it would be just an affair to end after a few months - but it just didn't. (Don't do it like me, kids! ;)) His other partner knew about me from the outset, but originally they agreed more on a bdsm-play thing, so as we've moved towards more commitment, she's having a hard time too. But all of us choose to accept the situation as it is over breaking up, so we're working towards non-hierarchical poly. I refuse to live with his other partner, so he'll have to be dividing his time; but we want to live next doors if at all possible. Polyamory has turned my value system concerning relationships upside down. It's been an exercise in personal boundaries, compassion, accepting people as they are, but most of all asking me to evaluate my REAL needs in a relationship. As for the 'open' part, not confining sexuality totally into one relationship certainly is fun. We've done some tantra where touchy exercises are done with different partners. I'm (mostly) not jealous of that, I can be glad that my partner is having a good time. At bdsm parties we're pretty exhibitionist, and again, it's fun. I'd also like to do some shibari (which is our great hobby) with others, but usually I don't because I'm shy to ask for it. If I do monogamy again, it certainly won't be the same monogamy as before. I've learned that although (for me) it's best to cultivate sexuality with a long-term partner, desire cannot be stuffed into a box. So my message would be: choose compatible partners who share your vision of relationships, but be open to surprises anyway. Otherwise ... enjoy the ride! For some people it's natural and effortless.

Unfortunately, I haven't read it, but I've heard good things about this book https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals/dp/1944934383 Have fun.

Unfortunately, I don't know. Maybe I'll try to contact the shaman to ask about the dosage. But the substance is smoked, so it also depends on how much you can inhale. One of the downsides of this setup.

I managed to meet my boyfriend today (a day after). He looks very soft and peaceful. Not shocked by the experience (likely not his first ego death). He described kinda vanishing and then slowly coming back to see a mind completely standing still. I asked if he was afraid of dying (as it seems to be common here), and he said no, but that he's been through that kind of experience earlier with holotropic breathwork. It nearly convinced me to just go, hehe, but as I am writing this I'm remembering that I'm in a completely different place then he is.

I hear you. It seems you can't really prepare for a breakthrough on 5-MeO anyway. But likely a careful path is my path. So you don't seem to have strong opinions, either about starting out with the psychedelic toad directly or about a shaman-guided ceremony. I'm thinking now I'll go do holotropic breathwork first, before psychedelics. It's legal and the process is more under conscious control. So if you're really eager, maybe you'll be first (unless I do do a last minute decision next time, as I feel big chunks of the fear melting away ) ... I'll be watching for your post!

Of course I did and I will. But his experience is not necessarily very relevant to mine. First, he's got 10 years of practice with holotropic breathwork and altered states of consciousness, I just don't. Second, he's a different personality type - very thrill-seeking. He'll tell me to go for it, but I also know he tends to ignore the risks.

Sending some best wishes your way. I agree with @Berjohansen that medication would probably help a great deal. I think of it as a crutch: It helps you function enough to actually make the steps you need to make for your own growth and healing. Not taking medication is a gamble with your life. What you hope for, and I'm not saying is impossible, is getting to know yourself better, gaining wisdom and transforming yourself through the suffering. What's likely to happen is unfortunately that you wast YEARS in inactivity and anhedonia, not really growing and suffering through life, missing out on the gradual step-by-step learning and growth that can be gained in more positive states of mind. If you're so strongly opposed to medication though - in the state you describe, where nothing matters anymore - I've got a vague feeling you might need to surrender to the inactivity. Like, completely let go, even of the desire to desire activity again... Think of it as a rest. If you've rested and nothing is changing, it might be time to get that prescription. It's the best technology we've got. I hope you can get better soon.

@Omario Well, did I make any sense? I'm actually very open to dialogue, since while I may have a few more years of experience, I for sure haven't solved all of the problem for myself. I also care how I give advice, because there's no point in writing down stuff that goes completely over people's head.

Point taken, I may be viewing the two as very connected when in reality maybe that's not the case for everyone. In fact, thinking about it, maybe there should be one more distinction. I'd say there is the broad umbrella of EQ that allows you to make sense of emotions. Then there is what I have called sensitivity which is the ability to feel emotion or get aware of them - if highly sensitive, you can discern even subtle emotion to great detail and nuance. And then there is what you've called oversensitivity and I would call it reactivity - which is having strong reactions to even slight stimuli. That's what you wanna get rid of, and I guess the point of my post should have been (had I made the distinction) not to lose sensitivity together with reactivity if possible. I'm aware of this effect. I call it "the spiral". It's true that you have to deal with those somehow. Have you got some tools already? Distracting yourself (shifting focus), relaxation, journaling, reframing your thoughts, humour, reaching out to people? Totally surrendering (paradoxical) to the loop that's going on? All of these work sometimes (sometimes nothing works, but hey, that's ok). I'm sure you have moments when you deal with a small snowball successfully. It's worth noticing those. You're naming something here - although it seems like a reaction happens totally on its own, it's not quite so. It's somehow YOU who's reacting, and if you catch the stimulus and the starting reaction right away, some amount of conscious control can be gained. As far as I understand, that's what vipassana is designed to teach you. With enough mindfulness you're able to catch the tiny gap between stimulus and reaction and insert a conscious decision whether to react or not. When you sit there in meditation and don't scratch your itches and observe your emotional reactions you get a bit of detachment. So have a formal meditation practice, but that's like the longterm project. More basic changes like getting good sleep and reducing sugar intake can produce significant changes sooner. Btw you chose your example from the social area, is that where the most problems lie? In your example it's obvious how beliefs come into play. The equation is something like: he denies me cigarettes = he doesn't like me = I'm a terrible person or nobody will ever like me. While if you believed that him having his own agenda (keeping cigarettes) is neither wrong nor saying anything about you, you wouldn't have the reaction. These shifts of mindset can be done - I've had a few in the last years just from reading a lot of the right stuff. So that's also something to pay attention to. I will strongly disagree. You don't have to shift to positive events per se, you could shift to something as neutral as your breath or body. There's always something that's less negative than your loop of low self-esteem. It's a skill to practice. It's true though that I had patches of depression where I had negative emotion present all day every day and, at that moment, it wasn't possible to feel anything positive. It's also true that I still can't drop anxiety when it comes to me. But the way out of my depression was mostly finding all these different mini-solutions which help me jump out of negative loops, and also what I wrote in my first post - follow passions, actively seek what gives you joy, practice gratitude and stillness. For many years that just meant actively planning events that I could look forward to - for me it was mostly meeting likeminded people, but whatever you have in your life that does give you joy, emphasize that . (If there's indeed nothing, go seek professional help asap.) I've written a lot. Just take what resonates or seems doable and feel free to disregard the rest.

Your sensitivity, although you now perceive it as a curse, can also be a great tool. People who aren't emotionally sensitive can't feel nuance. Layers and layers of relating and introspection stay hidden to them. I'm not sure how you arrived at the conclusion that it's sensitivity that's making you negative, can you elaborate? In my experience, while sensitivity can easily throw me out of my emotional baseline if I don't take care of myself (you don't want to interact with me if I'm hungry or didn't get sleep or didn't have me-time to calm down, hehe), it's something else that alters the baseline and determines if the place that I return to once I'm rested is positive or negative. If you're negative all the time, you have a very low baseline. Gotta do shadow work, but also focus on the positives, follow your passions, actively seek what gives you joy, practice gratitude and stillness. By all means, do exposure or whatever practice allows you do deal better with the negative emotions which come up as a reaction to your daily life. But also accept your sensitivity. Don't numb. Treat what it tells you as useful information, and be kind to yourself (self acceptance, self love). The very same traits that bring you down the most are just the dark side of you greatest strengths.

I think there's not that much wrong with mimicking the people you admire. I also think if you observe this in yourself you could study other teachers for a while. Concentrate only on what resonates/helps the most in any teaching you hear and disregard the rest.

You wrote it's your impact statement. I guess "intuitive thinking" is your zone of genius. Maybe something along the lines of "working with people" (preferably even more specific) could be seen as a domain of mastery. It's a real art to be cultivated. How about focusing on figuring out what authentically means for you at the moment and embodying it, so that you can be an example to those you're striving to lead?

Yes. Likely. I do not fit all of the traits - I don't have high social intuition, in groups I'm really clueless, also easily tricked by manipulation. But I'm really really sensitive to my own emotions, and I'm also easily overwhelmed both by loud and busy environments. Also sometimes I can sense really well what's going on with the person I'm in a relationship with. I've suppressed my emotional sensitivity when I was a child - I guess it was really too much to take so I disconnected. I had to rediscover that I'm this sensitive person in my early twenties when depression hit me hard. I'm still learning to use this trait to my advantage. I'm having to put up some strong boundaries, but when I do that, I can let my sensitivity unfold and the world is a much more interesting place.

I looks like you haven't chosen a domain of mastery. (PD books are ... well ... still very general.) Going to school is obviously not a small bet, since it isn't finished in a month or two. (Not saying don't do it.) You need to get more specific. How do you want to interact with people? Not a psychologist, but how about coach? Teacher? Yoga instructor? You get your small bets from there. What will you do to refine your intuition? How will you learn to guide people? If you're highly intuitive, do you also need to ground yourself periodically?

It need's 3+ such people , with healthy boundaries. (though not everyone has to be in love with everyone) This is still a very couple-centric perspective.

@Leo Gura I get the feeling that you've travelled quite a journey since you've shot your 2014-15 videos on relationships. I also see a lot of guys here on the forum emphasizing totally weird values when it comes to relationships, asking if they should behave this way or that way to be attractive "alpha males", vulnerability confused for weakness and all that stuff. It's understandable that young people have zero idea what true intimacy looks like. I didn't, either, and I'm sure I still have a long way to go. IMHO authenticity, balanced with respect and consideration, is the most important trait to good relationships. If I had to date again, I'd choose to pretend as little as possible even in the initial stages. Attraction (charisma) very much hinges on a man really trying to be his best self, for me at least. Confidence and a sense of direction are important, but they cannot and needn't be faked (although being a bit outgoing is important for the very first contacts). What's also important (to me) is respect and freedom, which involve accepting the other person's errors (as much as I accept my own) and understanding that they have their own personal journey. Can't change them. I strive to see them as they are instead - to discover the very stubbornness which I admire my partner for when he's working on his goals is the same trait that makes communication difficult at times. What constitutes a good relationship in your current understanding? Would you consider updating your dating advice and also talk about what comes after dating?

Have you tried physical activity instead of meditation? Go do a few pushups to get the excess energy out of your system, then try to concentrate?

I'm not sure I understand. Is it that you're so passionate about composition that you get into this creative state and then you have all these ideas about your art afterwards? Or is it just general "monkey mind"? If the first, maybe you need some kind of notebook where you can just drop your ideas real quick even if your session is "over", so that you can keep them but not focus on them longer than necessary at the moment. Also, maybe think about how long of a composing session you really need to do your best work. I can imagine some work is born over several days of intense focus with leaving aside pretty much everything else - had glimpses of this state with math, though not very often.

In case what you're looking for is a therapist, try checking out the spiritual emergence network webside.

@ValiantSalvatore My approach to polyamory is quite "secular" and I do have a lot of problems in my relationship, so I can't easily put myself forward as an example. I refer you to that polyamory forum for questions on what does and doesn't work in polyamory. I think you'll get better answers there. As for tantra, I encourage you to find a teacher that resonates and just try. I've only done introductory courses, and for me, these were a great opportunity to get comfortable with nudity, to set my boundaries straight and to improve my self-image, but also to try a lot of basic energy-work and meditation exercises - the teacher was very eclectic and not dogmatic at all. It was overall fun and beneficial, although some fears and dislikes also came out very strongly and had to be confronted. But I suspect there's great variety in the content and quality of courses. I haven't studied any theory nor did I go very deep - but I'd say if you're looking for references on a combination of both experience and self-control, tantra teachers should be able to help you.

Are you also comfortable teaching chess? Do you see promoting chess as a contribution to the world? For a few years, I was extremely happy playing go. There are professional players of that game, but as far as I understand most of them do their living by teaching, only a very few by playing. Picture yourself in a situation when studying and teaching chess is your occupation 4 days a week (and maybe sometimes you go to a tournament). Do you feel happy? Is your life meaningful? Also, you play for three years now, and that's not a short time. How much have you progressed? Are you rapidly going for the top in the amateur world? If not, consider using your analytical skills in another way.