Elisabeth

Uh-huh. I hope you're passionate about computer science too. Although I tend to agree that studying something rigorous/technical/hard is beneficial (as soft skills like psychology are easier to learn on the side), it's no good for your parents to choose your field of study.

I understand. I have had problems hanging up damn LISTS that came out of my early contemplation on life purpose while I lived with my family, because someone might read them and - the horror - ask me to justify my not-yet-born dreams. I'd probably cry at that point, because it was so emotionally charged. I was afraid they'd try to talk me into being 'rational' and 'reasonable'. Family is not always an as supportive place as we'd like it to be. I still am afraid. I'll only tell them about the finished plan, when it gets clear contours and when it's already more or less underway. Having said that, wanting a hot girl when you're 19 doesn't sound unusual. So if you feel brave, prepare some answers and hang it up, if you don't, you don't have to. Shyness is only a problem if you have absolutely no one to share your dreams with. I recommend you find two trusted friends with whom you can share your vision board - friends who are likely to either support you or disagree with you and hold you accountable to higher values, but who won't laugh at you and who won't tell about your innermost visions to other people. I hope you have some friends to share with - if not, maybe that's something worth adding right next to the hot girl picture.

The one time I had obsessive thoughts - it was in a time of falling for a man and breaking up with another, really rough emotionally and accompanied with endless painful longing and endless trials to figure out the why - I figured out that it was best not to fight these thoughts. They were there and I couldn't do anything about them but release the tension of "not this thought again" and simply letting it run it's course 200th time while not 'jumping on the train' and paying too much attention. For example, when I was practising guided relaxation I wasn't able to relax as long as I tried not to have thoughts, I was only able to relax by paying attention to the body and not paying attention to all the obsessive thoughts that were still there in my head while listening to the guidance. The obsession ended a few months later when the emotional upheaval ended AND I was able to talk stuff through in therapy and accept some of the new truths about myself that I hadn't seen and accepted prior. Maybe there's an emotional conflict underlying your obsession.

It's too fast. I tried just a few seconds, but I wasn't able to read and understand the longer phrases before they changed. I'm not a native speaker, maybe that's why. On the second look, part of the impression is, there are TWO text boxes changing in rapid succession. To me that already that feels like a whirlwind. Also, the lower one has a lot of text in it, is it really necessary to have that one move? As a user I don't like the sliding text feature esp. if there is a lot of it, there is nothing more annoying then text moving out of your sight in the middle of reading a sentence. Makes one feel out of control. Anyway, great work for setting up this website! Especially if that's your idea, and you've also done the negotiations with the stores, that's remarkable.

@Gryner I don't know about Poland, but there's a center in Czechia next to polish borders. https://holos.cz/en/ They do hospitalize people sometimes.

It that's your purpose, if that's what you want to do, then you wouldn't be saying 'yeah, maybe, eventually'. Find the specific thing you want to do research on and go do the research ... find a supportive professor if you can, but the drive has to come from you

That sounds absolutelly amazing! Just a suggestion, maybe you're going forward too fast, so you're feeling a bit drained? Like your feeling of disconnection is actually an early symptom of overworking?

Me too

Dude. Why is that not your life purpose formulation again? It has what you're good at, what you want to master and your impact in it. It's ok to be afraid and unsure about the best path.

@Edogowa Conan Sounds like a nice insight to me. It sounds to me like you did know what Leo said above, you just had a moment where you could truly enter the other perspective - perhaps for the first time emotionally. So I would call that a success.

I think there's also a hypothesis that a depressed state was actually physiologically helpful during long winter when people just needed to save energy. So they went into this kind of lethargic state when they were mostly sitting in a cave together, doing little, eating little. I don't think however this is quite the same kind of depression that results from a disconnected life.

I agree. I've watched for years, so now I feel the videos really need some ruthless cutting of repetition and stuff that isn't of substance. Maybe it's time to sort the videos by levels? And just go fast to the point in the advanced ones?

Thas isn't quite a fair in a discussion about relationship shape, because most people won't do real work. Chasing the new and shiny in poly, or rotting in monogamous codependecy... Poly poeple tend to be somewhat self-actualizig, but I don't think being poly or not is in any way correlated with taking life-purpose and spirituality seriously.

This technique made a tangible change for me, in that entering a relaxed stated is far easier now. And then, of course, there's the "What is god?" video that blew my mind, but I haven't really made changes based on that.

Somehow I can't. I'll try another computer.

I get a "Sorry, because of it's privacy settings, this video cannot be played here" . Eh. Any idea what kind of setting that is?

It can happen. A person can try all the different forms (or not), and then settle for monogamy. Or a 3 people "V" configuration (closed or open to occasionally dating others). Or a quad like you described (although I don't know any in person or online). Or having a spouse and a bff with whom you're occasionally-sexual. Or decide to not have a spouse at all. But again I ask you: should lifelong be a goal? Or is it ok to, for instance, divorce when kids fly out of nest and you develop new interest, new standards, a new lifestyle? Doesn't that happen in monogamous relationships whether the people intend it or not? Can you, in any way, absolutely say this won't happen to you when you're committing to marriage? Can you ask that promise from another person? Don't get me wrong, if I divorced someone after 20 years of raising kids together, it would be devastating. I would certainly hope that people who've managed that are close enough to find a new direction in life together. But sometimes, despite all effort, that doesn't happen. My ever-favorite poster on polyamory.com says, that "till death do us part" means for her physical death, or the death of the spiritual union. If two people no longer want to be committed, it is dead spiritually. Why hold on. (She's happily married and at the moment closed.) Polyamory IS time-consuming and heartbreak doesn't hurt less because you have other partners. So even people who feel deeply polyamorously seek stability at some points in their life. People can decide to close their relationship (regardless of how many people are in it - close means not dating anyone new) when caring for kids or elderly parents, when having work stress, when not having enough reason to date, when dealing with trauma, when they don't have the bandwidth for another relationship. A relationship can stay closed for ten years and then reopen again when circumstances change. It's a flexible arrangement. So yes, people do settle down, and often in a traditional marriage-like form (or a three-people arrangement, these can be fairly stable). But they don't feel like they have to. And I would argue that, since they had to both deal with their fears and get intentional about how they negotiate their relationship agreements, their approach to the 'marriage' is changed forever. P.S. We've hijacked Leo's thread, but I guess at least we're still a good example of Green

@Key Elements There is a narative in monogamy that whenever a relationship ends, it has 'failed'. Polyamorous people tend to disagree and use other metrics to judge their relationships. Such as 'Overall, is this relationship making both people happy? Or, did we have a good time while it lasted? Did this relationship help me grow, become a better person? In this relationship, did I find what I was looking for?' Someone subscribing to polyamory will often hold the view that relationships end for a number of reasons - life circumstances, preferences changing, people maturing and growing apart - and this is not necessarily bad. It's better to part ways amicably then stay in a dead relationship out of duty. Relationships are like encounters between people that come in all kinds - brief and surprising, or long and committed, life-changeably deep or just fun, calm or dramatic. Sometimes a person you only met once shows you a depth of intimacy that impacts you forever. Sometimes you find someone who's so deeply compatible they become your significant other. Commitment isn't lacking in polyamorous relationships, but like many other things it's crafted to fit the people involved. People have to think about what they commit to. Honesty and openness? Just treating each other well this one evening? Staying in touch? Building a DS dynamics? Being there in a crisis? Emotional support? Sharing finances? Having children and being good co-parents? Never leaving? Informing each other about new partners? Sharing a spiritual path? These things don't necessarily come in a bundle. You have to negotiate. But, having multiple long-term partners usually takes more commitment then having one. Polyamory has its deep problems, but relationships ending, according to some, isn't one of them. That's a fact of life. (Ok, you're free to remind me I said this when I'm dealing with heartbreak O:)) To answer your question directly, so why have a boyfriend if I already have a husband? There could be a number of reasons, including but not limited to: actually wanting to have two 'husbands' (and build a household with multiple adults - or not), a need for variety in my emotional life, a huge capacity for intimacy, kinks my husband doesn't share, falling in love unintentionally and not wanting to hold back (after all - we're drawn to people who force us to integrate our shadow side), enjoyment of having two very different in my life, a wish to gain experience and be a better lover, offering mentoring, a wish to explore various flavors of love and relating. I find, mostly it's an enjoyment of relationship intimacy and a deep appreciation of another human being. Is polyamory shallow, with all that selfish goals of satisfying your own needs for variety or even excitement? Well, often. But I feel, if people learn to love multiple, it also touches something profound. I don't quite have a name for it. At the very least, you learn how this thing called love isn't coming to you because of a specific person, but how it's your to own, cultivate and live.

I guessed you probably don't, because then your post would be much more specifically centered around her. Did you ever have a relationship? How are your social interactions in general, outside the context of romantic relationships? My feeling is you want to do it ALL AT ONCE, and that's a huge part of why it is so terrifying. Take those little steps. Invite a girl out. Be more honest about your troubles with a friend of yours. Dare to organize a social event. Another approach is through awareness, watching the fear very closely, understanding what it is and where it came from, doing shadow work. How does that fear feel like in your body? What thoughts come up? What worst case scenario can happen? What exactly would be so bad about it? In your family or origin, were you not allowed to show who you are? What would happen if you did? I believe those two approaches have to go hand in hand. Another step that might be necessary is reviewing your expectations of yourself, and your goals. (I can't be more specific because I'm not sure what you mean by that sentence, but there's plenty of room for a really harmful interpretation of that thought.) Working with a therapist is good (but not necessary) for that. Good seminars are great too. Work with intention. Decide, that you will be ____ (more loving, honest, open, confident - pick what appeals most). Then don't push too much, trust that it will happen overtime. You will find these little opportunities to try out new behavior in ways that are rather exciting then overwhelming. As months go by, you will start to see changes. You can gain that social confidence, like I am gaining mine, I promise. It's just not going to happen in an instant.

There is no way on earth you would hide these particular problems in any meaningful relationship, throughout years of dating before marriage takes place. Nor should you want to - these are your handicaps, the problems you're struggling with. If they are deal breakers to her, you better not get married with her. She has to know and choose to accept. But don't worry: she'll have her own set of weaknesses, addictions and physical ailments that you will have to choose to accept to become a husband of hers. In a relationship, you should become experts on each other. You should know the other person in and out, and let yourself be known. And ideally, you both choose to support each other in your mutual fights with life and yourself. Besides, there's nothing particularly weird in your set of problems. Yeah, sure, you better get rid of pot and cigarettes, if that makes you easier to live with, improves your health and self-image. But a lot of people have addictions. And you're not the only one with ED either. Your anxiety about revealing this stuff is understandable if you're talking about the first two months of dating. Not two years or more before marriage. Practice "radical honesty" bit by bit with your friends and dates. Say "Look, I have a weakness." You'll be surprised how many times the other person says "Yeah, I struggle with that one too."

You can have a relationship, where you feel safe and nourished desired having fun seen and understood supported in your life goals growing together touch mystical states in your sexual life most, if not all of the time. At least, that is my understanding of "love". I'm sure other people can add to the list. Just remember that this is not something you can expect from the other person to provide (if anything, you should strive to provide this for her), this is something both people have to grow into. Yet if these qualities are missing to a significant degree, it's a good indication that something is off and needs your attention to the very least.

Sounds good, I guess. If you feel compelled to do it, take the life purpose course anyway, it will help you clarify your vision.

I decided to change my vote to solid green after spending a few days with the most green group I've ever met at a holotropic breathwork seminar and seeing how I fit. I still do have orange ofc., I still work my job as a scients, and I haven't developed that much of an environmental consciousness. I also have enough yellow to be fascinated by Leo's abstract topics. But I'm very emotional, I put a lot of emphasis on relationships, and I seem to thrive in green groups right now, so I think green fits best. I think we do have more green people on the forum, but Leo's video doesn't quite do that stage justice, so people just don't identify with it. But a lot of emotional shadow work and integration happens in green.

The LP course is certainly worth it. The book list, I don't know. I think in high school you can as well follow a lot of the suggestions from your literature or philosophy class, supplement by books mentioned in the course and books that people recommend in the review forum section etc. You can read fiction and non-fiction, drama, myths, biographies, poetry, philosophers, self-help books, diaries... Just get diversity, it's not important to read the exact same sources as Leo, it's much more important to get a diverse overview, to read enough so that you can later tell "ah, this is deep and this is crap". Literature is thought for a reason. These are works of art that people find or have found profound. You'll miss out on non-duality, but you still get deep.

From your examples ... would you say her behaviour is more accented if she's around her sister/family of origin/ perhaps preexisting friends? It seems to me you're mostly breaking some unspoken rules of her social circle. Like behaviour which is totally ok with your friends is not totally ok with her family around. Actually, overall I think you will have to take a bit of both ways - getting more sensitive to social cues and conforming sometimes, esp. if she's not the only one holding the more strict opinion, AND standing your ground with your more laid back style. Like, maybe you just don't go buy tissues because she's smoking. She can do that later. And maybe you don't iron your jeans everyday. You've decided it's to much work, and it's not necessary in your social context. That's it, and it's for her to accept. But maybe you do that when you two go to the movies, because she cares. Or maybe you take her word that people care and you do iron your jeans everyday. I don't know your situation. Learn how to set boundaries in a polite and appropriate manner. So that it's not "childish" talking back in an offended voice, but it's stating clearly what you will and will not do. It's ok to have boundaries. Go read up on them. It's ok to tell jokes which offend her. It's also ok for her to choose to not share social events with you where you tell these jokes, or even break up with you over it. It's also ok to choose NOT to tell these jokes just because it's upsetting to her. Forget about right and wrong. Instead start figuring out what you are and aren't willing to do, and what would be most helpful to the relationship. Also, don't argue with her, it's draining. Instead, discuss with the intention to understand her POV without feeling like you necessarily need to accept it.