Elisabeth

I'd take it as his stance on books Obviously, he doesn't read "hudreds of books on every minor shit". So either he has better ways to learn - like some practical or big picture thinking which could inspire you - or he just can't imagine putting in that level of effort himself, so he has to ridicule it. Observe your reaction. It's telling you what is important to you, and what you want to have acknowledged from others too.

@Casey Gavin Powers I'm glad that you are feeling better now. I'm also glad you are seeing the school psychologist. Hopefully they can give you practical advice on the help you have available in dealing with your moods and difficult family situation. Good luck with girls

So many assumptions being made about the boyfriend here There's just a ton of reasons why somebody wouldn't like a spiritual teacher. I (most of us here) picked Leo out of many for some reasons. Others will pick otherwise. If all the reasons are ego ... so what? @moon777light How's it going now, did you get any insights since starting this thread?

Interesting People with a lot of experience with family dynamics can probably do that, it's certainly a deep field to study. So she was into 'systemic' constelations? Or a therapist or something?

@Charlotte don't feed the trolls, or you can't get serious advice indeed I had my own constellation built twice. Both of the times it did change my perception of the topic I came with, even leading to action steps. It's a powerful intuition-based method, although I do get the feeling that some or most practitioneers are somewhat limited in their beliefs and push an outcome. Very interesting to experience, too costly to work with systematically imho, as in most seminars you won't have your own constellation. Sure, you still get something out of the constellations of others. @Michael569 usually, "family constellations" don't actually involve the whole family

@Casey Gavin Powers Find conventional mental health care (= counseling, even psychiatry) ASAP. Your problems are NOT petty. You have anxiety and depression starting at a low age, and you are living basically with an abusive parent. You self-harm. USE ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET. Western psychotherapy has a lot to teach you, but it takes some time. So does self-help. So definitely get therapy & continue your exploration of the self-help field & if you feel really stuck and need some leverage quickly don't shy away from antidepressants. They are a crutch, but they do save lives. I'm so sorry life is this hard right now. But you are seeking, so I'm sure you will find your way.

@Ampresus +1 on "read, what interests you right now". If you want a book on dating, you could try Mark Manson. https://markmanson.net/books I haven't read "Models", but my male friends appreciate it. I've read "The subtle art of not giving a fuck", and liked it a lot, it's a good guide to forming values.

I'd say if you've been doing a technique for a year and it hasn't brought you progress, it's definitely time to change techniques. Maybe you want to selfinquire in a different way, or you want to do something else entirely. Do what works you! Everyone is so different.

Depends a lot. As a physics student, I've never been able to put in more than 30 hours a week, and even that is not really sustainable for me. (Keep in mind this is hard intellectual work learning new stuff all the time, if half of my job was talking to people, I'd certainly do better).

I think you could acknowledge the grain of truth that is in your bf's words, i.e. see how Leo is arrogant (likes to listen to himself etc.), and maybe even see if some of these same traits that repel your bf is what you like about Leo (and perhaps your bf too, lol :D). That won't solve your "problem" but gives you some compassion.

@Leo Gura I just watched the video. Do you have recommendations on how to use nootropics to get off of caffeine? I'm addicted to a point when I have withdrawal symptoms anytime I don't get my two coffees a day, yet I haven't been willing to get off of it (well, I tried once and then restarted), because 1) I'm not sure how to deal with the period of withdrawal fatigue, and 2) I'd miss the effect of increasing concentration at the time of the day when I need to concentrate (which is at work). So I drink coffee to get myself work when I need to work, although I know it taxes on my energy later in the day. I think that habit is pretty unhealthy so (especially considering the milk and sugar I add), but just quitting doesn't sound like something I'm able to to now, so the very least I can do is switching drugs. I thought of trying modafinil to get me over the first week or two of withdrawal, then quitting that too and experimenting with those milder supplements, but maybe that's a stupid plan. Doing a quick google search it seems L-tyrosin is recommended.

I read this and thought: Get a backpack and go travelling, working just the bare minimum to get by. Take a long adventurous "vacation". You have nothing going on in you life right now, there won't be many opportunities when dropping out of society is so easy. You're young and you have no idea who you are and what you want to do. No pressure to become a runner, programmer or monk as fast as possible, man. When you're tired of travelling and self-education and the various kind of experience, then you'll know why you want to earn money. Why not? (Note that I never did that, I'm being a hypocrite here But I do regret not having the courage.)

If it's a fear, it's not a positive motivation. So what would be so bad about living a "normal boring" life? The boredom? Would you feel confined? Would have to acknowledge that you are not special? Yes, it's human nature to strive to feel good. But this could be done from a place of fear (fear of starving etc.), or from a place of security (that our basic needs are met) and answering to higher motivations: curiosity, wanting to give etc.. At least that's my understanding. So which one is it? Does it feel like a fear, or does it feel like freedom to expand?

Sounds... good I guess? No idea how long. I think I have a similar process running at a much slower pace (I don't exactly feel clouds but ... yeah) so for me the timescale is 'it's been happening more or less over the last five years', but that says nothing about your process. The lightness and ability to feel more positive emotion then I used to feel are worth it for me.

I'm not sure that's the case. The practices are just one side of the coin - life experience is a great teacher. When I was in university, there was a very sharp distinction in maturity and attitude between people who came straight from high school and people who have worked in-between. Those who had worked knew why they decided to study. Others may disagree, but imho if you can make some money on your own, and still maintain an hour or so of daily practice, you'll be better off than doing practices only, even for more time. Making your own money, cooking your own healthy meals (and inviting your parents) etc., those are incredible acts of independence, which will make your parents take you more seriously. It gives you more power, which helps you get on equal footing in negotiation - and negotiate you will, the meals you eat, the time you spend doing housework, your privacy and living arrangements... Making your own money shows yourself and your parents that you have the drive to be independent. You can then come to the negotiation table and say "Look, parents, I want to live on my own. I need X amount of money to do that. I am able to contribute Y without compromising school. Would you be willing to support me with the rest? Hopefully it's not that much more than you spend on me living at home." Now, wouldn't that be a cool kind of deal, and much easier to achieve then asking them to pay for everything? Of course, they can still say no, but it's harder for them. You are incredibly driven. I admire you. As for helping your dad, I'm afraid being a good example is indeed the best you can do.

@bejapuskas I'm concerned that you see "helping with housework", in a mechanical way, as improving the relationship. Doing your share of housework is obviously part of taking on responsibility for living somewhere. Sure, it is a part of good relating to contribute to a common cause (a clean home in this case). You take on the responsibility, but you can also have boundaries. Assess what your share of housework is and do it, without prompts, but on your own terms. (That means you tell your mother that you'll take responsibility of vacuuming every other week, not the other way round ... but then you do it. If she demands something you don't think is necessary at all, you tell her you won't do it. If you assess that it's not necessary, but you see it means a lot to her, maybe you decide to do it for her, but again, that's your own call.) But this is only a small part of a relationship. Accepting them as people and actually relating to them lovingly is hard (and I'm in the process with my parents too). That also means accepting yourself as a person first. (That's easier to do once you move away - which you should, if possible - but you can likely develop it in your parents' house too.) It means you keep your interest in personal development despite your parents' disagreement but don't demand them to get on board. It means showing who you are. It means accepting who they are, including their limitations. It means understanding them, and loving them how they want to be loved, within your own limits. It means agreeing and disagreeing and working together and finding common points of interest and ways to laugh together and ways to connect in your human-ness. Think of your relationship with your friends. There is actually something you want to relate on, right? Now I've written that and I feel something is missing, but the point is: Just agreeing to what they demand from you is not having a good relationship. I hope you can see that.

@Shin My very simple idea is: Find someone who strongly has those traits. An authentic female perhaps. I don't care if it's a spiritual teacher or your grandma, if your grandma is somewhat feminine. Go spend a day with her. Help out, adopt her pace, be receptive and mindful. See how that energy feels and what's good about that. At least for me, learning through personal examples and presence works with certain people, so I guess you could do that on purpose.

I don't find my current carrier path to be as meaningful as I would like it, but I can't figure out what I'd rather do. To get unstuck, I'm trying to understand meaning, impact, purpose for myself. The meaning of these words (the implications they have, the feeling connected to them) are getting lost on me. Please help me by sharing what is meaningful in your work, what the words impact, purpose mean to you, and/or how doing meaningful work feels to you.

@Nahm Sorry, I still have no reference for non-duality. I have to stick with what I have, which apart from thoughts/conceptual understanding is different layers of emotions. I think I'm trying to access the next deeper level which contains stuff I don't always have access to, including feeling "meaning" or "fulfilment" and the joy of giving/contributing, alongside with the possibility to create something beautiful just for itself etc. I know I used 6 I's in 3 sentences

Thanks everyone, I don't answer everything, but I'm using all your answers as material to reflect on. I think/feel the word 'meaning' points to a specific type of experience (an emotion perhaps) that is not thinking.

Loneliness. This inability to connect. Damn, I don't know if that's the right answer, but with the question worded this way it came as the first association. Maybe it's a momentary thing. I contemplated my greatest struggle a year ago in the life purpose course and I got different results then, but they are not at odds.

Observe how "ungrateful" and especially "rude" is highly culturally dependent.

Ah, alright. It's also possible that it's actually the other way round: you're tired from the stuff that you've been doing and need some rest. Personally, after a festival, I may need two days of less stimulation overall. But some structure to your day helps in both cases I believe. Even if it's just one commitment that gets you out of the house. I have great respect for you completing your vipassana retreat.

It's totally possible that you are overstimulated (by tv), or under-stimulated (like, not experiencing enough new stimuli that grow you), or weirdly enough both at the same time. Unplugging from your online stuff and go enjoy some high-quality work/rest/travel/social time/experience is definitely worth a try. Ah, I see. So you're at a vacation period, where you have no responsibility, no structure and no stimuli. It's up to you to motivate yourself and it doesn't work. That's normal. You need a reason to structure your day. If you're able to, take up some a routine, some social responsibility, a time-limited project. It's - in a way - easier then motivating yourself over and over, if you have a social obligation, so go work or volunteer or at least organize something for your friends. Find a buddy to do sports with in the morning. Decide to go camping for the next week. Anything. You need an occupation. The other option is to do only what you want to do in the moment - very mindfully. Let behavior auto-correct through awareness. But frankly, I think you should go with the first one.

"Responsible for people", interesting. Sounds like you are interested in fields like andragogy (teaching grown-ups) or management. If you can imagine yourself being a manager (in IT, or a big company), leading a technological startup, or something similar, it's probably ok to study IT for three years on a bachelor's level, with an emphasis on developing soft-skills on the side. IT is all pervasive today. If you wanna be a teacher or therapist find ways to go study something else There's a thread where people share vision boards in the self-actualization subforum, so I'm sure it's ok.