Elisabeth

Tl;dr: Just the bolded parts. So I'm in that awkward place in life where I'm doing a PhD on a subject I don't care about all that much and I'm trying to figure out if I should quit or not. I'm 28. In high-school, I did math-competitions and was a guide at an observatory in my free time. I wasn't the best at either but I'd say it was still my authentic passion. I'm pretty sure that if I took the life-purpose course back then I would have gotten theoretical physics (or astronomy or math) as my LP, and that's what I ended up studying. My studies were not a smooth ride. I wasn't able to handle the amount of work university demanded, in my first year I was diagnosed with depression, I took a year longer to complete my bachelor's and a further half a year longer to complete my master's. At bachelor's I was average, at master's, I was way below average. I did my master thesis in general relativity, which was pretty cool, but I realized that a) there's no possibility for application whatsoever, and b) I'm not as good as to be able to push through the tough subjects all the way to the frontiers of today's theoretical development, i.e. I'm not gonna quantize gravity or understand the early universe. It's a field for the chosen few and there are hundreds or thousands of people in the world who are better equipped to work at it than me. So for my phd I switched one tier lower. I'm doing quantum theory of transport, meaning I'm computing current flowing through real small components, meaning some of my research might possibly come true in the next generations of supercomputers. Possibly. It's not completely uninteresting, but it's not extremely meaningful to me either. I'm hyper-specializing of course as I have to. But more importantly, I'm experiencing massive amounts of resistance of a kind I can't beat. It's partly due to resisting working a de-facto office job. I have real trouble maintaining any kind of daily routine. Partly I also resist studying the new and hard stuff. I still have to do some exams, I have real trouble making myself study for them. I already experienced this kind of resistance during my master's. Also, throughout university, my values and my understanding of myself shifted big time. Introspection and working with emotions, relationships, connection and understanding between people became important to me. To be fair maybe they always were, but since I'm from a very 'rational' family I had no idea how to deal with any of it or how important area of life that was for me. Doing physics today feels dry, although I can still deeply appreciate the geometric-like beauty and simplicity of a good model of reality. I really do care for that, but in practice, it's getting lost in the mathematical formalism, or I'm not in touch with it because I have to fiddle with some damn computer technicality. I hate numerical computing and it's not getting better. I rather like the part where I actually get to play around with pencil, paper and equations, but only if it's relatively easy stuff where I can actually make some progress fast. It also feels like maybe my interest in physics has been already satisfied to it's fullest, as I realized it doesn't have all the answers about how reality works and there are other fields of human knowledge too. So I think I'd like to quit, but I don't really know what else would suit me better. Sometimes I think I should do something entirely different, more people focused. Sometimes I think maybe I've just missed my field of physics, or my style of work. I realize it's hard to do science and not compare yourself and feel like shit - the best of the best are always right in your face. So I'm at this 'bringing it all together' stage of the life-purpose course where people usually post their values and stuff and get told to think for themselves, and I'm going to post it nevertheless. Values: Passion - doing the things I love (unfortunately they seem to change every few years, which is what got me to this place), Connection - sharing all kinds of intimacy among human beings, Growth - conscioust improvement of abilities and gaining new experience (somewhat afraid of the last bit, hehe), Authentic self-expression (could be called honesty and openness) - not hiding, making place for every part of myself in my life. Signature strengths: Judgement, critical thinking and open-mindedness (the ability to analyze, obviously) Capacity to love and be loved (this is my ability to form strong intimate relationships, although hardly with anyone) Forgiveness and mercy (the ability to be non-judgemental and give people a second chance actually came out as my strongest asset on the test, I was really surprised, but it's totally true) The virtue I want to build my career around: Truth, closely followed by love and simplicity My greatest struggle: Depression (not yet totally overcome, not comfortable dealing with it in others), entering a polyamorous relationship (that's a much more positive struggle, it was hard a fuck but I'm having a pretty firm grip of the field now) My zone of genius: I identified three abilities of mine thinking, analyzing and finding interconnections meeting people where they are without judgement, sometimes even resolving conflict communicating concepts clearly and concisely (this post doesn't look like it, lol, but that's my confusion not something I understand) I don't think any of them is particularly unique, but for sure with every one of those I'm in the top one or two percent of people. I wonder if they could be combined into something that's powerful and unique . The impact: Well, that one is real tricky. After being stuck for several months, I wrote down: Making discoveries, deepening understanding and communicating ideas that make people's lives better in profound ways. I'd really like to discover or understand and communicate something that makes a real difference, OR promote understanding among people and make a difference that way. But I also have an alternative (admittedly influenced by all I'm going through ), which is: Helping young people to find themselves sooner. When I did the exercise about giving a speech, my message was: There is always more to the world than you think there is. So as you can see, the scientist is in there, but it's not all there is, so I feel like a huge chunk of my personality has been left out with my career choice. I spent a lot of my free time on a forum dedicated to polyamory, first for my personal problems but later because I really enjoy giving advice there - it takes all of my best abilities: analyzing the situation and picking an important aspect, meeting people where they are and concise communication, while being 'safe' through the distance. So I was thinking if I should switch paths entirely and become some kind of alternative relationship coach, or if I should try to make a difference in social science since these ideas seem to be more needed nowadays than the technical stuff. But it also doesn't feel quite right. Understanding is the common denominator here. I care about understanding. Anyway, going through this process is frustrating. If anyone has read all the way through, ideas welcome.

I liked it for a few years. If your everyday job isn't rich in deep logical thinking and concentration, it's a good hobby for you. Really, just do it if you like it.

Just do it as fast and thorough you can. 2-3 months maybe if you work it in your free time and don't get stuck. (I got stuck, so I did the first two-thirds of the course in about two months, and then ... well I still don't quite know my impact.)

Maybe you already did, but I suggest you could 1) take some good finance and marketing classes, so that you're not reinventing the wheel 2) have a coach or mentor who you see regularly once or twice a month, who can hold you accountable any time you want to run after the new shiny 'bigger success around the corner'

My take is, it's really hard to build mastery/career capital without passion. Yes, you may have to grind through sometimes, but generally, the thing you do should be enjoyable to you (using your talents). otherwise, you'll just torture yourself with "shoulds" into burnout.

Sounds like lots of practice already, did you get results in you daily life? I don't have that much practice at all, but I'd say try a bunch of different techniques for 2-4 weeks each and see what fits best. Or choose a system like Kryia, which doesn't require you to sit for more than two hours a day at all.

To answer your question, usually I'm also hooked (on the internet), but I do go out with people sometimes, I do meditate right before sleep (do nothing, not the concentration types), and when I still lived with my parents and had a bath I loved to relax in warm water. Find some variety, you could cook, go out with people, read, watch videos sometimes, go to the theatre, take a walk, skype your mom, make some art... it's no good to do the same every evening. Even reasonably activating things are ok, just shut off everything an hour before bedtime (no phone, dim the lights, take your shower, meditate...) if you're having any trouble falling asleep.

This is totally absurd. Yeah, you can often tell from someone's mimics and overall behavior how emotionally developed they are. But that's not inborn, man. I can imagine Trump doing yoga... 50 years ago. There's little hope for him now, because of all his mental habits. It's the culture and your family that originally shapes you, and than there are the random things you learn, and your curiosity, and whether your environment was healthy enough not to kill that inner drive to develop, that make the difference between moving on or not. You're not adding complexity, you're oversimplifying.

I have repeating illnesses, like, since I've been 17 years old I have tonsilitis twice a year, but lately they have become worse - lasting 3-4 weeks - and also other illnesses come to it, so now I'm ill like 3 months a years. Needless to say it sucks. I'm sure my diet could improve a lot, although I'm trying. I'm sure my exercise could ... wait, none of my exercise goals in the last years have lasted exactly because of this vicious cycle of always being interrupted by an illness a month or two in. But I think it's not the whole story. First thing the tonsilitis manifests itself as extreme tiredness, and tiredness stays it's main symptom throughout. I also notice that sometimes the illness seems to 'protect' me from an uncomfortable chore or event, or to be triggered by anxiety. I also got 3 tonsilitis in a row (within a few months) when I was writing my bachelor thesis and after I finished it, and also this ill health is more pronounced since I'm a phd student. (This could be due to less healthy 'office' lifestyle, or it could be some pronounced psychological struggle.) So I think my ill health might be psychosomatic and might have something to do with work (or with some deeper issue that also affects my attitude to work). I'm not sure how to go about finding out. Insight appreciated. Thanks.

No idea (but I like her too). Maybe you can go about it both ways. Leave behind all you think you are, or identify with everything there is - both lead to no boundary between self and other.

I think you want to have a purpose that doesn't have a timer on it, even if it's still a 9 years remote timer. Maybe you could think of it as the old purpose slowly going and the new purpose slowly coming, although you're not yet ready to transition?

I use the guided meditation audio quite often. I'm sure Leo's outlook on meditation has changed since. More of that good stuff https://www.actualized.org/articles/guided-meditation

I'm keeping my doors open to come back, I could take a break for 6 or 12 months and than resume study - with no formal problems, although with a substantial financial loss as I'm out of the running grant projects by doing this. Trouble is, I don't enjoy the day to day work a scientist does, which is not that much a matter of choosing a research topic. Reading articles feels like a drag. Working with computer programs - huge part of all of it - feels impossible. When doing the work of a post woman or a waitress for a few months starts being more appealing than science, you know there's something wrong. I've explored the world of feelings for quite a bit, but I'm running around in loops, so I feel I lack data and I should gain real world experience. Maybe I wanna teach kids, and travel, and try whatever job I can find just to see what's right and wrong about that. I'm also fucking tired. I can't find a passion for anything within science - maybe not forever, but for now. My body is tired too. I just spent a MONTH being ill. I need to do something else than sit in an office for at least one summer, otherwise I'll just fall appart. So in that sense it's an emergency break. The main purpose is to get some rest from striving and see what drive emerges on its own. I'd be surprised if there is no realistic occupation that's more fun for me than an office job in science, but even if there isn't, knowing that can only help. But thanks for your experience. I may look into those subfields.

More confident with diving deeper into green and leaving stuff behind.

Today, I decided to take a leave. I sent an email to my boss that I will. We'll be talking about the practicalities sometime soon. I still want to finish my state examination, so that I can come back and have that out of the way, should I decide to. So I'll likely quit in about 3 months. My plan is to have no plan for a while. That's gonna be a difficult exercise for an ambitious person like myself. Important nevertheless.

You might want to give more attention to the small talk to connect with your colleagues. I'm not saying disturb your working hours, but maybe you could do 10 min of conversation with your colleagues first thing in the morning before you dive into your work, and then again take a coffee break at the same time they do. You could also explain your view to them, tell the them that you're open to conversation but really like to work uninterrupted - it's not you ignoring them or being condescending when you don't talk to them for two hours, it's just you really focusing. I think being more open with them could serve you well. That is assuming that there is not too much envy going on in your environment - people as passionate as you have described yourself to be are rare, and sometimes it can lead to feelings of envy and self-pitty or being threatened in those around you who haven't found their passion or who are unable of the same work-ethics. But even that, I think, can be helped with being more honest and expressive with your truth, assuming basically good intentions from your coworkers.

@Gligorije You can't know. You can't know if you'll have higher quality content in five years. Maybe the highest quality content comes with natural creativity. You can't know if you'll continue to have these bouts of creativity at all. You can't know if music will remain your main art. Maybe it's poetry, or maybe you'll excel in combining your texts with your music. You can't know if what you've written will have impact on others. Maybe it's good. Or maybe it's crap but will still save someone's life. You can't know how you will use the skill that you're gaining now by writing, or even what skills you're gaining - maybe it's not just writing skills. I always thought science was my life purpose. Now I'm 29 and today I'm quitting my unfinished phd. I had no idea it would come and I have no idea what's next, I just know I went wrong and I can't go on - and it wasn't because of a lack of strategy. Man, enjoy your writing while you enjoy it. Passion is fleeting and as it wains, there goes your productivity. If you have the urge to do stuff, just do stuff.

If you have the chance to create art for art's sake, man, just do it and enjoy.

Just leave. Or tell them that you are bothered. Or both. Maybe they are not doing it on purpose, but you are still bothered. If you want to keep communication lines open, you could say something along the lines of "Sorry guys I don't care about videos of you having fun. I'm leaving the group chat now. If any of you want to hang out with me, feel free to contact me in other ways." Then leave. That's not making conflict. That's having a boundary.

@Serotoninluv Have you come across Sapolsky? His course is definitely yellow. ... wait, you actually teach meditation and nonduality to biology students? (respect)

Possibly. In Prague on my (quite elite) school, 15 years ago, I remember there were 2-3 green kids in class (who cared about the environment and stuff), there could be more nowadays, and more in the Netherlands.

It's safe to assume you have some blue, some orange and some green, with a center of gravity probably still in orange. I think so, because - You say you've been blue previously, but now you react against religion. - You're a teen living in the Netherlands. Which would be a mostly orange-green country. And (in my understanding of the spiral) it's natural for kids your age to move into orange and focus on their individual achievements in the world. - For some reason you started to watch Leo and you're interested in the green stuff, but you're just starting out with the practices. So a mostly orange mix it is, opening up to green perhaps, but with a lot of orange stuff yet unfinished (imho you can't have orange all done until you've earned your own living). See how you're still blue, live out orange, explore green, and don't let yourself be bothered by spiral dynamics too much - the development is happening out of your natural curiosity , you don't have to push.

Sounds good

Let's look at it LDR's are hard - not everyone can do that, which is not bad. Teen relationships in today's world usually don't last for a lifetime, because people change a lot. But it does happen sometimes. You've only been together 4 months, half of the time LDR, there's no way you have really assessed compatibility. It's how many ... 2-3 years to go until she goes to uni? That's a long time to be waiting. So yeah, it's statistically likely that your relationship will not last. Of course it could. But this is not a bad thing, as long as you enjoy and learn. Probably non of you is ready to commit for a lifetime, nor should you. The real question is: Is this relationship already bringing you more pain than pleasure? (sounds you're unsure about it) Or, is it in any way stifling your growth? (sounds like this is not yet the case) Is it causing her pain and stiffling her growth? Would she rather look for a local boyfriend? If any of that is going on, than maybe the relationship is best left as a summer romance. It's way better to part amicably, than drag out a thing that is not working for the people. Note: I'm not saying every relationship is easily given up on. If you were happily married for 10 years and then things went south, I'd tell you to take at least a year to figure out if you can make it work again. But that's not your case. For the moment you can have a much more fluid approach. Like: Is it working right now (the last 2 months), or not? Is it making me happy to be with that person? If not, maybe it's not the right person, or maybe it's the right person but not the right timing and circumstances to date that person. Agree to move on with love and respect. Your paths may or may not cross again later in life. Now, if you're for now both happy to see each other for 5 days a month, by all means keep going. No reason to abandon a good thing because of the odds or something. Just don't take your commitment too rigidly and seriously, like planing your visits for a year ahead and waiting for a better future once she goes to uni. Don't do that thing where you live your life for a hypothetical future. If your relationship lasts, it won't be because you had it all planned out. Live your relationships in the now.

@Mikael89 My point is, the different interpretations don't actually give different predictions, therefore (from the standpoint of science) they are equivalent or close-to-equivalent. It's more useful to be able to dive into whatever interpretation/formalism looks most straightforward/comprehensive/beautiful for the problem at hand, than choose one. I think it's the same with spirituality. You develop this ability to shift paradigms and look at one topic from many different angles. Sorry, I sounded arrogant, I didn't mean to put you down.