Elisabeth

If your university offers a therapeutic / support group for international students, go there. It will help you get experience with connection.

@Manjushri First thing to do might be to talk to the study department of your university. They could help you make adjustments. At my university it's called an "individual study plan", meaning, you can add a year and retake subjects next year. That means you'll take longer, but they don't throw you out, and you don't crash and burn from overexertion. (Maybe they have another method, too.) The second thing, talk to the teachers, and do your exams as soon as possible before you forget everything you've heared in class. Only works if you can do it without your current workload sliding. Third thing, sure, just learn the basics. I don't know what you study (you should tell us). For me in my second year, when I had to repeat my mathematical analysis exam, that meant just learning the definitions and claims, skipping most of the proofs, and barely passing. Be warned though, if you want to stay in your field in the future: years later, I really regret my limited understanding of complex analysis. We don't always see the importance of the subject we study until well into work.

I have an idea. I need to hold myself accountable since I think it's great & I've still procrastinated on it for a week, so I'll write it out here. Last weekend I visited a mentoring workshop for "starting out" scientist (you know, in science, everyone that's within <8 years after their phd is apparently "starting out"). The workshop was surprisingly good, we did some visioning, goal-setting and sharing, to prepare for asking someone for mentoring. So, my ability to construct a compelling academic vision for myself approaches zero, so I don't think I'll be seeking a mentor in science. Yet what I do feel inspired to do, is talking to the lady who's organizing the mentoring program, to see how feasible it is to make something like that my next career line. You know, apparently, she somehow managed to get government money to do that, and she's doing something meaningful with it. It's a lot about connecting people, students with mentor & peer support, plus organizing and leading some personal development activities. And for scientifically-minded people, connection and personal development are missing. I had similar ideas myself (how peer-support groups for phd students are needed, and also how great it would be for people transitioning to college to have some support), but I didn't know how to go about that (or dare to). As you can see I'm placing some high hopes into this line of thinking, so that's probably why I'm fearful and procrastinating. But I want to contact her. I'll take her template for a mentoring plan and ask her if she would be willing to help me with that. I already know my two goals: finding out how realistic it is to make a living with something like that (i.e. understanding the financing options), and finding out if I would really enjoy that line of work (i.e. trying it out, perhaps helping with the organization stuff, offering myself as a mentor for younger people, if possible leading a part of a workshop, etc.). So the accountability part: I want to start today, and have my email ready tomorrow evening. (Uh, my stomach is clenching right now as I write it. Howgh.)

That's imho not true. On top of the videos, there are a number or assignments that take an hour or more of deep focus. You won't make most of them in one weekend, if you give them their due time. Even if you're giving the course priority, better to space it out.

@Lise What good could (in terms of inner growth) could the experience give you? There could be several. You could turn it into compassion: Now you understand how judging based on looks hurts, so you won't play that game. You could look at the opposite of your shame and isolation: Now you know how important it is to have people in your life who appreciate you, and you can properly appreciate them back. You could also, in your imagination, step up for your inner child and defend it against the accuser. (Not sure what lesson that brings, but try it.) You could realize that your dreams, likes, values, aspirations are totally untouched by being called names: Now you know your inner worth is independent from other people's opinion. However, the lesson you find, must be felt and worded by you. Take inspiration, and find what resonates.

So, I actually do have friends who care about self-actualization. They come upon this from very different directions, mostly trying to solve their psychological problems. With one of them I've been discussing Leo's videos on an ongoing basis (but on a very intellectual level), another started meditating a few weeks ago and experiences all kinds of weird effects on his life, my boyfriend has been doing bufo ceremonies recently, one is starting her practice as a yoga teacher, and yet another friend of mine is an unstoppable bundle of creativity and (absolutely unstructured) spiritual experiences, I myself am trying to get and keep my meditation habit going and contemplating life purpose. I do feel a demand for company and mutual support on the journey, so I've decided to set up a facebook group called "personal development meetups" and invited all the people in and I'd like to have those who are interested to meet once or twice a month and share their advances and setbacks, support each other, and just exchange experience to gain perspective. I'd also like to try/practice leading group meditation exercises, teaching the little i know to see if I enjoy that. I don't see myself as leader of the group as I'm certainly not the 'most advanced', nor in any other way an authority, but I've put myself into the position of the organizer, so I feel some responsibility for the structure and I want the project to fly. I want this to be enjoyable and useful. Since the people mostly don't know each other (though there is a core to the group), and certainly have very different personal goals, the group dynamics may be a bit difficult. And, I've never organized a regular meet-up group. Any tips from people who are experienced in leading others on how to facilitate an environment that's creative but cohesive and helpful? Any common do's and dont's?

One of my friends sais he's had an enlightenment experience. Now that's inspiring. I don't think our group meetings have contributed (we're nowhere near), but it's so fascinating to hear about peoples' journeys. What we do is meet (as regularly as possible) every two weeks for a whole evening (19-23). I find it important to start with a practice that helps everyone disengage from the struggles of the day, so we do a short 15-30min exercise of pranayama, meditation, movement or whatever else, the goal is really just to get all these academics and programmers out of their heads into the body. I usually ask how everyone is after the exercise, especially if it's a new one. Then, people are hungry so we have some food. We usually do a round of sharing about our personal lives, people's advances in personal development and the problems they face, or whatever they want to share with the group. If discussing is allowed (i.e. on his time, a person can take feedback and answer more questions from other members of the group), it can be very illuminating, but will likely take the whole evening. If there's no moderator, discussions can grow out of hand trying to "figure out" one situation for an hour. However, one or two experiences like that and people understand it's undesirable. A short version of the sharing round is with a "talking stick", only the person who has the talking stick speaks (or remains silent enjoying the moment, if he wishes), the only reaction to what was shared is a "thank you" when the stick is passed on. A medium way to do it is with one person moderating the discussion or being the only one to ask questions. The advantage of having a moderator is that, he can encourage people to look at how they feel about stuff they are sharing, or help them get to the main point, if necessary - but it's not an easy role and makes the circle less egalitarian. The parameters of the circle have to be given in the beginning, it's very hard to influence how it's going halfway through. It's important that the atmosphere of the circle is friendly, welcoming, accepting of differences. People severely miss a place to share and connect from the heart in their daily lives. (Or is it because I chose somewhat lonely people for the group in the first place? I don't know.) It works for us - I'm not sure what to do if it doesn't work in some group. I think setting and communicating the intention to share without judging is important. When there's an idea, less attention is given to talking, and there's another exercise(s), small or big. Not everyone comes to every meeting, which is ok. But it's much better if people want to come at least semi-regularly. After 10 meetups, increasingly personal topics are discussed, and the group can do slightly more advanced stuff. This means, incorporating someone new becomes more difficult. I'm times and again amazed, how well the group receives new stuff. I thought at first inexperienced people might be weirded out by yoga exercises, free dance, constellations, rituals. Turns out everyone joins in just fine. We're going slowly though. Last time, we tried Osho's shaking meditation (my bf is leading this one, I don't have the experience) for half the time it's supposed to take, just because we were not sure what effect it would have on everyone. We're going for the full-length next time. What I'm a little unsure about is the interpersonal relationships bit. I'm aware that therapeutic groups usually don't include partners, are time-limited, etc., and this setting is there for a reason. I'm aware though that not everyone necessarily likes everyone & on the contrary, I'm not looking forward to any possible love affairs :). But so far ... to me it feels like my friendships are growing strong and we're getting the best out of it. As people learned "how it works" and also as there are multiple strong personalities, I feel less and less like a leader of the group. I'm learning to accept directions I didn't quite envision I hope we can also make an afternoon event soon so that @bejapuskas can come and see us too How's your scout group going?

Every relationship I ever had started from common hobbies. I was an astronomer, a go-player, a sci-fi fan, and someone in that group got interested in me. It took a few months (or at least a few encounters) until a relationship developed. I was never on the search for a partner, it just happened. I probably have a natural 'filter' for guys who are into relationships, not just sex, because it takes me a while to develop an attraction.

It happens for some people. But for others, it doesn't. My metamour tried in her late 30's. She only succeeded years later past the age of forty with a donated egg. And her body didn't quite make it through pregnancy, the baby is born two months early. The older you are, the more health risks.

(NOT my baby.) Just needed to say it.

I miss an option. "Yes, and it helped a little bit. " I'm voting invaluable because the progress DID last. It took a long time to start showing, and it was rather subtle, but adding up little by little it set the necessary basis for some more powerful techniques - so maybe in that sense, it was invaluable indeed.

Pack all the stuff you need into a backpack and go travel Pick a cause and go work for charity to gain experience Visit your grandma and ask her about family history Learn a skill Do a meditation retreat Plant a tree Walk the Pacific Trail Create art What would you like to do, that might be hard to do once you have a job or kids? You can do a big thing (like traveling or picking up a job you don't envision as your career, but would like to try), or a bunch of small things (getting to know relatives, meditation retreat, organizing events, playing an instrument, learning to cook a meal every week, etc. ).

@LoveandPurpose How did it go?

Art (as self-expression) is greatly related to self-actualization. Make creating art part of your practice.

Accept the resistance? Accept that it's gonna take a little longer, and just watch all of it? (Not sure if that's the best answer out there, but that's what I would do.)

Enjoy

I'd be surprised that he isn't telling us upfront though...

She might be interested in you or not (wanting a relationship or just a supportive friend), we don't know and maybe she doesn't know herself. Most likely, she just wants someone kind to be with for now. If you're interested in her, but the breakup is recent, you may want to wait till her thinking is a little clear. Some (most?) girls go from relationship to relationship, but the partner-choices made in the middle of breakup grieving don't tend to be the best ones - meaning if you go too close too fast, you're likely to end up being the one she breaks up with a few months later.

The attraction/passion/fire/limerence we feel ... I know two theories. One is, that we're being attracted to our shadow, to the sides we want to integrate more. The other is, that we love people who can offer similar "love" to what our parents offered one when we were little - which absolutely need not be a healthy adult kind of love. Both of these theories are a little scary. It does seem your radar is off. I'm not sure how that is solved. Get aware. Maybe you'll have to find some kind of compromise between what's attractive to you and what's you "ideal relationship" now.

@LoveandPurpose Sorry to disappoint you, I haven't found a working approach to anxiety yet I'm totally sitting on the forum because I'm nervous about an exam. Feel it and move forward with it, or distract yourself, or focus on positive outcome, or calm youself down (with breathing, a hot bath or whatever), whatever works best for you right now.

I just said she's open about these motivations (to paint a fuller picture). I saw her directly commenting on her need for admiration in one of her recent videos. Now I can't find it though. In my eyes it helps that she can comment on her more shallow motivations. She's decided to act them out, but as long as she's aware, she keeps some distance.

I'm not sure there is scientific consensus on whether there is a difference or not That's my point. (I remember some holotropic breathwork advocate claiming that the way of breathing deeply and consciously is actually different from shallow hyperventillation that happens under stress etc.. But I haven't been very thorough with my research. You'll have to look into it. )

You're doing the Wim Hof method basically. I think there's some research about that suggesting positive outcomes. I don't know the details. Hyperventilation is known to be harmful under certain conditions. So... there's a bit of a conflict.

Can you elaborate?