Elisabeth

Thank you for your answer. I can definitely see how spiritual techniques (yoga including, but it's not the only one) have prerequisites. I've recommended holotropic breathwork to my friends (or not) depending on their level of openness to their own emotion. I still wonder what prerequisite I personally miss for serious vipassana. I've been able to sustain a basic relaxation / do nothing practice, as well as develop increased awareness of my body and emotions in daily life, yet when instructed to sit and return my attention to a certain meditation object, often tension builds up quickly to the point where I can't sustain it. If feels like an internal contradiction. As (nearly) everyone who has battled with mental illness will tell you, you can't equate dysfunction with weakness I'm not sure how developing a desire works. For me, I do have some desire to understand. Got me to study physics, then got me into watching Leo . The 'lack' motivation is equally important though. But how do you develop or strengthen a desire?

Would you say that traditional techniques (such as vipassana) were developed for highly functional people? (that's something I've been wondering about for a long time now) Do you have any insight as to how people starting from less functional places (such as your usual anxiety and depressive disorders, having lived through trauma, etc., or just motivated by lack) should approach the field differently? What I know is: - we're more vulnerable to 'spiritual' marketing, a trap to be mindful of - "get functional first" is not an option, since developping a spiritual connection may very much be a part of the answer - "don't mind your 'illness', go for the Truth" is also not an option; we have limitations; healing and spiritual work have to go hand in hand

@Samantha It feels inappropriate to be giving advice to someone 35 years senior, but sometimes it helps to point out the obvious. - If a 10 years plan feels like too much, decide on the priorities and make a 2 years plan - Writing a book or supporting a community, "giving back" what you've learned, why not? Trust, that you do have the skills. You've had a lifetime to observe people and technology, practice writing and relating. You can put these to good use. - At any age: Follow your bliss. If it feels rewarding to be doing those things for the next few months, do them. You have the advantage of being able to ditch people's expectations of you more easily now.

Yes. Find out what's needed, and what isn't. Do relax: Arms, face, fingers. But also legs and shoulders. The muscles in your belly and around your spine - find your position and see which ones (or how much) you can relax without slumping. It's more then you might think (as, with the righ position, deep core unconscious muscles should be taking some of the load), but not as many as you do now.

The usual meditation instruction is "relax every muscle, that you don't need". So you relax as many surface muscles as possible, but you can't relax every muscle around the spine fully.

Yup. The scientific paradigm is NOT designed to help you figure out who you are. It's a description of what is from a wanna-be-objective perspective. Its designed to help people think about the external world. Don't base who you are on any study. The psychiatrists take these studies and say "Hm, these symptoms usually come together. Let's call them a condition (named...). Anyone who exhibits most of the symptoms will be diagnosed with it. Hm, this another study says that this medicament helps people with this condition 80% of the cases. Let's just try it on anyone who's diagnosed with this condition, because there's a good chance it will help." That's how the mental health system works today. Studies are not written for sufferers to read. They are written for other scientists and doctors. They are written for someone else to help him make sense of you, a process that inevitably has to stereotype and oversimplify to a certain degree. You will always know who you are better than your doctor (even your therapist and your spiritual teacher), because you have way, way more input information. Doesn't mean the doctor can't help you a bit. After all, he knows about the medication or technique's which have helped somewhat similar people. Treat his suggestions as valuable tips as to what you might try.

Understand how sociological findings work. On average (usually, sometimes, ...), OCD sufferers have scored worse on memory and concentration tests. 1) It's statistical. Meaning, the fact that some people with the condition suffer from the symptoms doesn't automatically mean it's your symptom too. If you haven't noticed a problem, maybe there's none. 2) It's measured somehow. The test may not be targeting the area where your concentration is strong. Maybe your "increased" or "decreased" concentration comes and goes depending on mood and other factors. I would not be surprised one bit if your concentration is awesome for several compulsion-free hours a day, but you can't concentrate on demand.

Then, why would you assume that what you screamed was based on any real attraction toward your sister? She was someone else in your hallucination. Tell her.

People have THE WEIRDEST of fantasies when it comes to sex. Remember all those kinksters, cross-dressers, erotica&porn writers (and the stuff they produce), all the real incest happening & (as mentioned before) Freud. Pretty much everything is within the norm when it comes to human sexuality. It's so wast, it's scary. Some spiritual paths will also equate your sex drive with your life energy. If that's the case, you could feel sexual towards a tree, your blanket or the whole universe in a state of altered consciousness / higher energy. Why not your sister? When we're living with a person of another gender, it's easy to develop intimacy, including sexual. Luckily, nature has also instilled mechanisms in us that protect us against falling in love an impregnating our siblings, parents, children. Incest within families is a failure of these. I believe yours are working just fine. Maybe the veil was just lifted for a moment and you saw your sister as the beautiful young woman she is. Also, was she even your sister during your trip? Or did the real her take shape of someone else in your imagination back then? Or is there no real boundary? So, accept your sexuality as a force that isn't always in line with your highest self. Grant your penis some autonomy so to say. You don't have to act on all it says, but let it do its thing. With your sister, accept she's a woman. If you feel that reassuring her that you didn't mean it could make things better, you could do it. We don't know how old or mature she is. And don't trip at home. You need a safe space.

I'd say, leave the "zone of genius" a little fuzzy (knowing it's still fuzzy), and see if you can figure out your impact statement or not. (That's where I got stuck.) Maybe things click later. Maybe a purpose emerges anyway, or if not a purpose, at least a direction you'd like to go. I'd also say, if humor doesn't feel right, it's not right. You may be onto something with these "releasing tension" and seeing life from a "transcendental perspective" and feeling "lighthearted and playful" formulations though - isn't that what you do with music too? And yes, it could be a life experience thing. Do stuff.

I've decided now to go for the ceremony. I want to set the date probably for sometime in July, if possible. I feel ready for the insight, but I need to make some space in my life for integration. @dimitri I'd just give you a like if there were any.

I heared a talk about MDMA assisted psychotherapy. A couple of relevant points is: - it seems to be really great for PTSD, with other problems, not necessarily/not tested - the therapeutic setting is still very important, it's not the same to just take mdma, in mdma therapy you do hours of talking on the drug, and further integration sessions; it's still extremely important to trust the therapist

Having just a few weeks left (exams or defense ahead?) can be one of the most challenging times. Hang in there. Don't make big decisions. Finish your studies and get some rest.

Maybe your (un)happiness isn't caused by the relationship at all. With or without your relationship, you need to work on cultivating happiness from the inside. But also, regarding your relationship ... "Everything seems fine and we get along pretty well"? It doesn't sound like you are very much in love. The first few months, most people see the other person as amazing. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have a relationship that's not based on romantic love... just... it's an unusual choice in this culture.

@Barney When thinking about following any of these as a career, do you get butterflies of excitement and fear in your stomach? Did you already formulate an impact statement?

Holotropic breathwork #3 I took another seminar (or rather, a few days retreat) with two holotropic breathwork sessions. These sessions are 3 hours, but the intense breathing happens in the beginning and on an "as needed" basis, mostly the last hour or so I already relax. This time I really felt that what was happening was an altered state of consciousness, more than just bodily sensations going on. In the first session, there was not much explicit content, but in the first half, I could really let go, feel the freedom to let my body move as it pleases. The body moved mostly by itself, and I laughed wildly. I'm trying to remember and take away this sense of absolute freedom. In the second half the feeling of being really safe and nurtured came along, I felt like a baby (I imagine). Yet there was some dark undertone, although I felt wonderful, the state didn't equate with the freedom I experienced before. I drew that after breathing as a baby surrounded by light-blue-greenish heaven, yet instead of the umbilical chord it has a chain (expressing dependence or conditional love perhaps). The second session was even more interesting. As I felt myself reaching an altered state, I remembered that one of my intentions was to try and see if I could get to the no self, so I asked myself "who is it, who has the intention get beyond all intentions?" I didn't get any profound insight, but again it felt like stuff started to happen by itself. It took just a few moments until a physical process started, very similar to my previous HB seminar: coughing mucus from the bottom of my lungs and purging deep old pain. At first I was just watching the process, in a weird state where I knew that this was happening with MY body and that there was despair going on in the body, but I really felt a sense of wonder, even wellness. Then, slowly, I re-engaged with what was happening, as I concentrated on helping the purging with more intense breathing. It was mostly physical with little imagination, but at some point, the image of an unwanted child came up. (I felt this unwanted child is my mother <= It's called transpersonal psychology for a reason ) The facilitators came to do bodywork with me. I had probably an hour-long "fight" with the facilitator pressing against my back, then at some point I was exhausted and the process slowed down and stopped. I had a beautiful meditation-relaxation for the rest of the session. I feel sensitive after the seminar, plenty of rest is needed. Sometimes nauseated. But mostly really good. It's a relief for sure. I think the method fits me extraordinarily well.

@Space If your more useful strategies are not too field-specific, would you mind sharing, so that we can avoid the same mistakes?

@Space Talk to someone who knows how the job-search is done in your area and in your field. Like a headhunter, or someone from the HR department of a company, or even a professional who has found the kind of job you're looking for. Tell them who you are and what you want and how you haven't been lucky so far and ask for feedback and tips. Network Take a course with someone who teaches how to prepare for a job interview. Think about your strengths and weaknesses, consider what you can offer to a potential employer Etc. Don't despair, many people face rejection on the job search. Also, are there any jobs available related to your life purpose? Or, could you find a quiet job where you could practice your drawing skills?

Yup, ask the people you aim at if such a service is something they really need, how to set it up well. Not sure if it's actually the farmers selling at farmer's markets, or just someone selling their products.

I'm very happy it works for you

Well then what I've written may go over your head, sorry about that "Good at math" at age 16 just means you're a bright mind and an abstract conceptual thinker. You can use that in any field. (Although you could recognize it as a lifelong passion at this age. The best mathematicians ... they often made their contributions while in college, meaning they had to learn a ton of advanced stuff on their own in high school already.) Go do the math competitions available, they are a fun challenge Also, talk to someone who does study math at university. See what they learn there in first year. You'll be surprised.

@John Iverson Did you write that just for actualized.org, or is that an actual academic research proposal, like an application for a phd or something? What will be the extent of your research? You're clearly in the related field(s) of psychedelic research and transpersonal psychology, so for sources, you could go to google scholar and see who cites Stanislav Grof etc. Also, https://maps.org/research

@Shroomdoctor Good luck (And do stop by on the forum from time to time.)

@sustainably You are not coming across as arrogant in this post. Willingness to learn is a humble trait. Well done. At the same time, you seem very composed (clear in what you want and what you're asking for, & articulate) and also confident (is that real?). These are great assets. Your intention is to notice previously unnoticed lessons. I suggest, maybe you could make it an exercise to go into social interactions, and not speak (or very little), just observe with the intention to learn. I'm not always humble, but when I am, it comes from the recognition of my own limits.

@Andreas I'd explore this feeling of "unethical". Where did you get these beliefs? When did you first feel the guilt? Is there an authentic core in your motivation to contribute to the worlds largest problems? Do you have to do this now? If you're doing the life purpose course, maybe return to the "negative values release" exercise. My thoughts regarding research more specifically: In math and other fundamental research, you have to come to term with the fact that you may never know if your research is useful or not. The timescales are different. Some, if not most, of the mathematics which got applied in physics and elsewhere, was only applied decades later. You won't see your immediate contribution to climate change, but you can still do valid math. Einstein could only give shape to his theories because the mathematics of curved spacetime was already available, and it took physicist's 50 years to correctly interpret Kerr-Newmann's metric as a description of a rotating black hole. Or maybe it doesn't get used. You can view your math as an artwork. Even if only you and a few of your closes colleagues can appreciate it ... was it futile? Third thing, even if you genuinely want to make a difference in the world, you don't have to know now how you'll contribute and go the direct route. It's perfectly fine to go do research in mathematics, and maybe (actually, likely) somewhere along the road you'll recognize a case more worthy. Lastly, on a more personal note (I notice you have my thread bookmarked): IMHO if math is your authentic motivation, I feel strongly it's totally worth doing it. Don't miss out on the beauty. You may however find that academia is not what you want, and that you'll have to choose anyway. And/or you may even get fed up with math. Then you'll have to figure out a way forward at that point, and it will be a painful decision to make. But maybe then you'll remember to apply your skills to climate change. Just curious: How old/ in which stage of your studies are you?