Matteo

@ajasatya I've been meditating for three years now, but I was consistent only for short periods of time. Right now, I'm doing a very basic practice that I learned from Sadhgruru's ashram (I've been there for three months this summer). I'm doing an 18 minutes meditation that they teach, two times a day, and then I do one cycle of Surya Namaskar in the morning. I discovered that unless I do very short practices, I get a lot of anxiety and I end up dropping them and find myself at the starting point again and again. In the ashram they told me that I may benefit from doing a lot of physical activity, because it will settle my energy system and allow me to practice more effectively. I would like one day to start doing regular meditations up to one hour a day, something like breath awareness, but right now I want to be totally consistent with what I'm already doing.

@purerogue do you have any suggestions about how to fix it?

Here is where I’m at in my life: three years ago, after having done two years os psychoanalysis without much results, I started watching actualized.org because I was trying to come out of a almost life long depression that I had since I was 12 probably (now I’m 24). I started reading books and experimenting with mindfulness, concentration practice, strong determination sitting, do nothing, self inquiry, breath awareness, but I didn’t really get anything out of it. Then Leo introduced psychedelics, and I was very excited about that. I did 1P-LSD about 10 times, trying to follow Leo’s guidelines as close as possible. I stopped doing psychedelics because I was very much involved with Sadhguru’s teachings, and I heard him saying that psychedelics can break your energy system and cause you problems of various kinds. I also heard Jeffery Martin saying that it emerged from the research he is doing on non-symbolic consciousness that subjects who had psychedelic usage in the past, struggle more in transitioning into permanent states of non-symbolic consciousness. Moreover, I noticed that the insights I got while tripping would become meaningless after the trip was over. I would become deluded about what I saw and experienced. Then I started suffering because I was craving those states of consciousness in my daily life, which looked meaningless compared to those states. After that, I did one 10 days Vipassana retreat, which gave me some moments of “LSD like consciousness” during the retreat, but nothing beyond that. I was very involved with Rupert Spira and Fred Davis also, I even went to a satsang with Rupert in England and attended some online satsangs with him. Still I wasn’t getting much out of it, and the teacher who made more sense to me was Sadhguru. For that reason, I decided to move to his Ashram in India. I went there this august and my plan was to be there for 7 months, but I ended up being there only for 3 months. I went away because it was too uncomfortable and again I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I was doing many hours of yoga every morning, did several advanced courses, going to the temples which are supposed to be very powerful, but I was pretty much suffering all the time. The atmosphere over there was quite disturbing to me, because you have very few chances of meeting the Guru himself, and even if you do it’s inside huge satsangs with 10.000 people, so there is no real guidance. Also there is no room there for reading, doing gnana yoga, and thinking as a tool for spiritual growth is very much discouraged. I’m extremely mind oriented, so that was a problem. Also, most people there know and trust Sadhguru only, and tend to thing that he got everything right and all other teachers got everything wrong, so I couldn’t really seek help from other practitioners, Bramacharis (monks) or teachers. They would just tell me “just keep doing the practices”, which I did, without much results. In October I decided to go back to Italy. I’m still doing some of the practices they taught me, but it’s mostly because the thought of having wasted so much time and money in that experience makes me want to at least not throw away everything they taught me, because one day in the future it may do something for me. At this point, after have listened to hundreds of teachers, tried several practices, read many books and watched many videos, I’m almost getting disgusted by this whole thing called spirituality. I feel angry and confused because teachers are contradicting each other all the time. One says that to realize your true nature is not difficult, another says that it’s extra difficult, one says to use the mind, another to absolutely not use it, another says psychedelics are useful, another says they’re dangerous and a waste of time. I don’t know who to trust, and I feel incapable of trusting teachers at this point. Even if I want to experiment with other teachers in person, which I would like to do, I don’t have money to do retreats and travel. For that reason I’m trying to get back again into the music production business, which is the thing I’m best at, but it’s difficult because I feel demotivated and not really involved into it, if not sporadically. I thought that it may be a good idea to at least dedicate myself to some meaningful activities, with the purpose of creating a more pleasant situation within me where at least I am happy to wake up in the morning and know that it wouldn’t be another useless unfulfilling day. This was suggested by Sadhguru in an online article and by Om Swami in the book “when all is not well”. I haven’t found those activities yet, I’m still doing experiments. The thought of meditation is still present in my mind. I’m doing a meditation practice that they initiated me into at the ashram, but I feel that it’s not enough. I feel like I should meditate and I’m curious to try Jeffery Martins’s approach because it feels to me like a shortcut, but not a stupid one. At the same time, I feel a lot of resistance to the idea of starting again meditation for one hour a day, because often meditation feels like torture to me. At this point I have no clear idea of what I want. I feel hopeless, but not completely. There is still a voice in me that says that something can be done, but I don’t know what that is. Probably there are many other things to be said, but I don’t want this post to be too long. I would like to hear your thoughts about what I said. Thank you.

Are you asking if I'm blind? I have normal vision. Was that what you meant?

@Haumea2018 I'm sorry, what is JBP?

@Nahm So, basically what you're suggesting is to substitute thinking with breath awareness until my mind stops?

But is that really true? I agree with you when you say that the search puts a strain on you, I can feel that strain very clearly. But what about realizing that everything is one, that consciousness is universal, that the universe is a mind, and all that stuff? Does the dropping of the search make you realize that? I don't really get the second part of what you said.

@Leo Gura I would like to have your perspective on this, if possible. Thank you.

I do remember you. We never spoke, but I saw you hanging around several times.

I don't know if it was psychoanalysis. At that time I was just looking for a psychologist because I was in a really bad situation. In my town there aren't many of them and some of them are too expensive, so I just followed a suggestion by someone and went to this psychologist. I think she was specialized in family therapy, and she was getting trained in mindfulness meditation when I left therapy. I went there initially once a week for three months, then twice a month for a while, then once a month. The whole thing lasted for more than a year, maybe almost two years, but I don't really remember. She was nice, but I felt that the results were too intangible for what I was paying. I thought "there's got to be something more effective than this. If I continue this way, I may get reasonably non-depressed by the time I'm 40.

I will. I feel like this is what I was looking for since I was a child. Thank you!

Yesterday morning I took 200 mcg of 1P-LSD. I was with a friend of mine who I’m going to describe a little because is relevant to the experience. This friend of mine knows a little about enlightenment, because sometimes I talk with him about it. He hasn’t done any psychedelic yet, but he smokes cannabis twice a month, and he gets psychedelic-like effect from that for some reason. Also, he had an enlightenment experience in my presence one year ago, that was apparently triggered by me guiding him through a self inquiry process. Two hours after dosing, I had the following effects: - I was perceiving the entire room as my body - I was aware that what I call “the physical universe” is instead a mental universe. Mind is not inside my head, but it is the substance of everything that appears. The room IS mind, it works like a mind, it works like a dream, it is a hallucination, it is flexible and groundless. After a while, my friend decided to smoke cannabis using a home made bong. Here the trip took a whole new level. When he smoked cannabis, I felt the effects on myself, as if I smoked it. He was amplifying my effects, and I was amplifying his effects. He got quite agitated and distracted, so I managed to make him relax and get still. we sit facing each other with uncrossed legs and palms facing upward for ten minutes. It felt like we were exchanging something using empty space as the medium. We sit around a table, and he decided to play some music on the computer. He played the song “Awake” by Tycho. Here something truly astonishing happened. It was like the song was made of divine beauty and love. It was majestic and powerful beyond limits. I felt my heart exploded like an atomic bomb made out of love. I started crying tears of joy and divine gratitude, my hands were radiating energy with amazing intensity, and I had a strong impulse to bring them together in the praying position. I was crying because in that song, I recognised myself: I am love itself. I am happiness itself, I am contentment itself. I am peace itself. I’m not peaceful, I AM peace. I was left with a sense of completeness, unconditional love and happiness. My face changed, my posture changed, thoughts weren’t present. I was radiating love through space. In that moment, I understood what is meant when teachers talk about “direct transmission”. I also understood the statement “silence is the greatest teacher” by Ramana Maharshi. I understood what it means to live a life of service, and what it means to act not in a loving way, but directly from love. I felt exactly like Christ. I was Christ. I am Christ. I also was made aware that concentration is like a superpower and that meditation is very important. I no longer believe that what yogis call “energy” isn’t real. I also understood the potential that lyes within sound and music when it comes to consciousness. I doubted about that, and it felt painful because I am musician. Music can be a powerful vehicle. Today I feel like usual, but I have the memory of what happened. I will concentrate on the heart a lot more instead of the head, and I’m looking for doing 5-Meo-DMT soon, even though I am scared about vomiting, making loud noises and things like that. I want to express my love to @Leo Gura. Thanks for showing me the way to meet God.

Thank you for your sweet words

@Nahm Great post.

engage in musical activities like: play guitar/piano/sing, producing electronic music watch interesting youtube videos about random things: how to build houses, the life of animals, music covers, funny videos by stand up comedians, videos of people travelling, documentaries ecc make a cup of tea talk to a friend do some photography, I like the editing part very much do speculative thinking about whatever comes to mind

@Tony Tellez I like linkin park. My general attitude towards negative feelings is to feel them as much as I can, avoiding to cover and suppress them with activities. For example, if I feel sad because someone told me something that I didn't like, I don't go watch tv or eat something. I sit down and meditate on the feeling, I put all my attention on it. Music doesn't come to my mind when I feel bad, but maybe it can be used to make a particular emotion come out fully. Maybe if you feel like crying, but you struggle to express that feeling completely, a sad song will help you to cry and release that emotion. It may work because you're not avoiding that emotion, but you're experiencing it fully. I think is generally a good idea to not be completely dependent on music as a coping strategy when it comes to emotions.

@Max_V Usually I take notes on videos only when a particular sentence hits me very hard. At that point, I wrote it down. When a video is generally powerful, I like to watch it again after some time. Maybe the second time I watch it, something else resonate with me that didn't resonate the first time, and I wrote it down. I also wrote down practical information or exercises that are shared in videos, so that I can access them later without watching the whole thing again. I don't think that the goal of taking notes is to memorize as much informations as possible. I like to use notes as a tool for contemplation, so when I take notes, I keep that in mind. On a Leo's video, I might take two or three short notes, and then contemplate one of those on a separate page. I believe that the point of watching videos is to use them to enhance your capacity for inquiry and self reflection.

This list is mostly about spirituality, so I don't know if it makes sense with your question, but here's the list anyway: Fred Davis Rupert Spira Matt Kahn Sadhguru I also like to watch the channel "psychedsubstance", but more as a recreational thing. I listen a lot to Alan Watts, but not on youtube. I have the "essential lectures" audiobook.

Hi @Vignan . I'm sorry for your situation. I tried to change my parents, friends and acquaintances since I was 12, and it didn't work at all. I discovered I have no power over other people. Nevertheless, if they try to abuse me, I can say "no" and make my boundaries known to them. Because I was unable to change certain people, I had to end various friendships and intimate relationships. I don't have any child but I have a brother which I think is in a difficult period of his life because of the way my parents raised him. My parents are contributing to his inability to feel better because he's emotionally and psychologically dependent on them, and they are emotionally undeveloped for certain aspects. I tried to change him to make him more loving towards himself, but I failed. So I tried to change my parents to make them able to help him, and I failed. So there was only me left, so I tried to change myself, and I failed. The only thing I can do is to try to act from a place of love, respect and humility. When I do that usually things change, maybe just a little. As you develop, you will infect everyone around you with your growth.

Hi @h inandout . I'm italian, and I think italian language has a beautiful sound. It might be interesting to learn some language that is very different from what you know already, like chinese or hindi. I found out that knowing two languages empowered my thinking a lot. I often think or journal in two languages simultaneously. Also, I like to study the languages I already know by studying the etymology of words. Latin or ancient Greek are very related to that purpose, even thought they are not spoken.

Hi @Ryan_047. I had low self esteem for almost 22 years, and now I'm 23. It turned out that the negative thoughts I had about myself weren't mine thoughts at all. Many people criticized me along childhood, including my parents, friends and teachers. I learned all that criticism and started to repeat to myself what they were saying to me. Then I forgot that they were the source of those thoughts, and started owning those thoughts as mine. Negative self talk is like an instagram filter for the mind. It colors and distorts your reality in a fixed and predictable way. If you hold a thought in your mind that says "I'm stupid", suddently everything you do seems stupid, but only to your eyes. If you hold the opposite thought, suddently you will look like a genius to yourself! People around you believe that thoughts are true and that they describe accurately reality, but you don't have to believe that. When I started researching self actualization, I was skeptical about these ideas. I believed that the negative self talk in my mind was telling the truth. After watching thousands of youtube videos about regular self help, spirituality, enlightenment, self actualization, I've been able to change my mind. If a problem is like a lock, Videos and books were the right key for my lock, but everyone's lock is different. you might need a different key. You can try different things and observe what is the most effective for you. Here's some examples: Hanging out with positive people that have an attitude of appreciation towards life, rather than criticizing continuously When a negative thought comes to mind, ask yourself: "is that thought absolutely true? or is it just a perspective on the situation? What would the opposite perspective be?" This one really worked for me. I sent to a few close friends this message: "Hey, I'm doing a self development exercise, can you help me? I struggle to see positive things about myself. Can you tell me at least 5 positive qualities that you think I have?". I was astonished by what they wrote, because I was completely blind to what they saw in me. Keep a daily journal with your thoughts. For me, it works like this: I write a negative thought on my journal some time afterwards, maybe a month, I go re-read what I wrote one month before I notice that even if the thought felt true at the time, it doesn't feel true at all right now I think: "if thoughts from one month ago don't feel true at all, are the thoughts I'm having now true?" I ponder this possibility: maybe the mind is not a good place to find the truth. Maybe thoughts are not a good source when it comes to truth. I think you will succeed. You are in the right place. Keep going!

Hi @Alien . I don't see any conflict between photography and Self Actualization work. Photography, as any other form of art, can be done from a place of high consciousness, love, curiosity and intelligence. It becomes a distraction only if you do it for the wrong reasons.

The first time I did 1P-LSD, I took 1/3 of a tab. After 7 hours, I smoked cannabis. that combination triggered in me an insane capacity for concentration that I never experienced before. Afterwards I did 1P-LSD with and without cannabis several times and with higher dosages, up to 1 tab and a half, but I never experienced that level of concentration ever again. I don't know if that was "access concentration", but it was a very high and unusual level of concentration.

Hello, happy holidays to everyone. At the end of my last self inquiry session, I wrote down this: "All senses appear as a modulation or coloration of the same attribute-less field. This field is made visible by the senses, they are the field itself. Sensory perceptions are not fundamental to me, because they change and disappear without afflicting the capacity of this space to make itself visible by appearing as sensory perceptions. Is not possible to have an object in this field called "the perceiver", because that would be on the same plane of existence of things that are perceived, and what is perceived cannot be perceiving by definition. There is no evidence for a brain hallucinating the content of consciousness, because it is a metaphysical assumption that has no ground other than itself. Even if it was possible to see not the "hallucinated brain", but the "hallucinating brain", what would be hallucinating that brain then? It would be brains all the way up, which is nothing more than an assumption. " This is were I got after almost two years of self inquiry, but it doesn't feel satisfying at all. It feels more like mental masturbation, and I'm afraid that I'm going in the wrong direction. Do you have any suggestion? Thank you.

Thank you. What is qm?