Hello, i apologize for my terrible english and hope that you will understand me anyway.
I'm 16years old and my relationship with food was always unusual, i could stay without food a day long and then i ate a lot, not becouse i was hungry, just becouse i wanted to be healthy and alive (everyone told me that i will die if i won't eat, furthermore my best friend was a little bit chubby and everyone loves her, so i was kind of jealous)
So i forced myself to eat, even if i hated doing this.
Three years ago, as i was 13 i started to notice that i'm actually eating so much as never before so i decided to loose weight. I started my story with anorexia and bulimia (binge eating).
In december 2014 my weight was about 39kg and height 167. I was like a plant.
In one year i gained 16kg (now i'm 56kg) and a big, subconscious fear of stravation. I know that i need to stop eating 3000kcal a day but i simply can't. I want my body to be little and charming, so it can express my internal world and stay aesthetic. Of course i won't loose more than 5kg, becouse i want to stay healthy. But this fear of losting my periods, which were extremly hard to establish after my weigh loss, kills me.
I'm addicted to this worry of my health.
I know that controlled fasting would make me feel better. I won't gain weight anymore, i want to have a perfect body, things like diet and exercises are very easy for me, becouse i'm quite disciplined.
So, you know. I have a fear of death and stravation.
How to deal with it?
