Vladimir

Dreamed of playing a 2 on 2 volleyball game for money with a guy who used to be my friend, the other team who we played against had a woman and a little kid, we ended up losing $1,000 and I'm the one who kept raising bets and it was all my money I lost. We were both not trying hard enough because we thought we could easily beat the woman and a little kid and we wanted a rematch and told ourselves we would try hard this time, though I don't think my friend was willing to bet so much money this time and I thought it was unfair. I have interpreted this dream as - not giving my absolute best when it comes to this self development work, even though I have changed so many things already and I'm putting in a lot of effort like I've never done before, I still slack off and could do better. I have been careful not to burn myself out though and not push too hard because I'm aware of the homeostasis balancing loop, as we try to change ourselves the body will try to get us back into the state that it has known for many years, which is best way it knows how to survive. I was woken up last night around 2:00am by people partying in the jacuzzi area of my apartment complex, I would usually feel infuriated by this because I really need my sleep to function well during the day and this would mess up my schedule if I allowed myself to sleep in longer. I did feel frustrated, but I tried to use the opportunity to practice acceptance and emotional mastery, being okay with whatever situation was going on. I think this was a huge challenge, but I was able to be okay with it, though not fully. They kept on talking and laughing very loudly and I just couldn't fall asleep so I ended up calling the security patrol who told me they would take care of the situation immediately, and after about 20 minutes they took care of it and it was quiet. I keep running into these emotional obstacles whether it's anger in my throat, sleepiness, lethargy, physical pain, anxiety and reactive behavior. Though I'm a lot more aware that these things are surfacing and I'm more able to tell myself: "the most difficult moments in our lives are the best opportunities for inner growth" - if people really embodied this one piece of wisdom, humanity would evolve at an unprecedented rate and we would eliminate most of the suffering. I'm still trying to live up to this wisdom and keep reminding myself of it during my difficult moments as they pop up and it's starting to work great. Of course it's very tough to tell myself "this is an opportunity to grow" when I feel like shit, it's the last thing I want to think, but I think my vipassana meditations have really helped me be "equnamous" with the sensations - to experience all sensations as they are, and so this has given me a lot of advantage when it comes to these difficult emotional experiences and situations in life.

@TeamBills Yeah this exact mentality is what creates much suffering

I second that, I think you're indeed on the brink of a breakthrough. I've been feeling random bouts of "emotional waves" which make me feel like I'm about to cry, thinking this may be some deeply repressed emotions that are getting ready to be released.

I don't think traveling the world and having "place experiences" is that much effective in making you grow. The fact that it's so popularized by the mainstream should also make you suspicious, people spend tons of money and time traveling around, but how do you actually grow from that? I think a much cheaper and more effective approach is to have more "people experiences", it's so much more rewarding to really connect with people on a human level and share each other's life stories. People also push your buttons, so you will know what you need to work on and how you're still behaving in neurotic, conditioned ways. There is so much you can learn from social interactions with pretty much anybody you talk to, and it's free of charge most of the time.

What do you mean "not having love?" True love is found within. I think the best way to go is to embody 2) and then you can have the best 1) and while you're working towards 2) you can also make 1) help you get there

I think it's well said.

Spend a few hours yesterday listening to all kinds of electronic music, so I could get a feel of what the best type of music would be to dance to for my upcoming dance series. The idea is to shoot these dance videos outdoors in the most beautiful scenery possible, and there are a lot of them here in San Diego. A lot of things have to be well thought of for these videos to gain any traction and stand out - 1) clothes/accessories 2) scenery 3) music 4) dance moves 5) video lighting. I already have clothes which I bought for music festivals and accessories too, the scenery are plenty around here, I think the best music to dance to would be Trap and Liquid Dubstep, I should have the dance moves, or at least that's what I think, and I'll be taking a micro dose of mushrooms to enhance the dance moves and give me more energy. As far as video lighting, I'll just have to position the camera right, in relation to the sun light and use the marking flags to stay within the shooting area which I ordered yesterday. I also bought what seems to be a really bad ass outdoor speaker and can't wait to try it out, it's going to take a little while to come in though because it wasn't part of the Amazon Prime deal. If everything is done as I'm planning and I put in the best effort into actual dance moves and choreography, I think I'll be able to attract more attention to my YouTube channel, while at the same time enjoying dancing outdoors to the music I love and the beautiful environment, this is one of my passions and I truly enjoy it. It will also show my audience that I'm about more than just intellectual side of things when it comes to self development. Physical component is a huge area of self development, the body needs to be taken care of, and these videos will show people that I actually walk the walk. What I'm thinking of doing, is becoming even more fit, so I can have more energy and stamina to dance longer and better. I still need to build a playlist of songs I really like and can show my best dance moves to, there are so many styles, songs and playlists on YouTube and I think my brain was getting overstimulated and is the reason I couldn't fall asleep for a while yesterday night. I ended up sitting up on my bed and quieting my mind by practicing concentration meditation. This has worked great and after about 10 minutes, I felt like I was nodding off, so I laid back down and shortly fell asleep. This morning, I'm still feeling a bit off than usual, I feel like I haven't gotten enough sleep, though I'm not allowing myself to go with the usual complaint like: "I haven't gotten enough sleep, so I'm going to take it easy today". Instead, I'm actually taking advantage of this challenge and seeing it as an opportunity to grow. This kind of mentality of seeing difficulties as great opportunities is really starting to shift things in my life and I'm seeing great improvement in my self discipline and willpower as a result.

@Michael569 I've been getting Acupuncture for the past month every week, but I've also started a bunch of other healthy habits which may all work in synergy to contribute to my better health, so it's hard to say. Though, immediately after sessions, I've been feeling like it opens up my heart more and creates more loving energy within my body, which is the primary reason I wanted to do Acupuncture, I told the therapist: I'm experiencing chest pains every morning and feel like I've built a lot of blockages and walls around my heart due to years of living with severe social anxiety and repressing powerful emotions, so she has been targeting my body with specific Acupuncture techniques to open the heart Chakra. I think it works and one should at least give it a try.

@alyra I think it's best to move beyond attachment, including what we look like, though honestly this is a difficult one for me to let go. "The second noble truth tells us that the root of all suffering is attachment" ~Zen Buddhism

@Joseph Maynor I find it extremely difficult to connect with anybody these days because people are delusional and fake, I live in San Diego.... Though you can actually use external things like social activities to test if you're really embodying things that you're trying to develop on your path to enlightenment like unconditional love, the two can work together in synergy, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Develop emotional mastery, see every difficult situation that would trigger you as an opportunity to NOT react. All the negativity in our lives spawns from neurotic reactive behavior, so become less reactive. If some situations are too difficult, start by lowering the difficulty level, think of yourself as a character in a video game, you don't start nailing the final boss without acquiring a lot of experience and skills first You could start with your own memories of the past which trigger certain negative emotions and start leveling up from there, good luck!

By spending time meditating, you are already mastering yourself right? I would do contemplation because it really helps you understand the root source of all your problems.

Worked on creating first YouTube video yesterday, but just couldn't get the lighting right so it turned out pretty dark. I also didn't know how I was going to remember everything I wanted to talk about and thought of some ways of having a computer screen in the same location where the camera is, but realized this wouldn't work because even the slightest movement of the eyes of the camera lens immediately gives away that I'm looking somewhere else which looks awkward. So I decided to use my recently gained memory techniques of symbols and visualization to try to memorize most of the stuff I was going to talk about, it's around six pages worth of content and turned out to be a 30 minute speech. I used visualizing technique pretty effectively but still need some kind of method for memorizing the sequence of content because that would throw me off and I would get lost in the middle of talking because I didn't know where to go next. I need to work on not blinking so much while talking and I also think I could be more expressive with my mouth, opening the mouth more and smiling and just adding more variety of movement to the mouth and facial features so I don't look as statue-like. Work on becoming more animated, and more expressive with body language. The voice was a lot of struggle at first while I was practicing and was very difficult to just talk because it didn't feel natural. But when I started making the final video, I eased into it more and it became more easy flowing, though I still need to work on it a lot to get to the point where I like it and where it feels natural. I now want to make it a daily practice of talking in front of the camera and recording videos because this is the aspect of my life that I really want to master. This is my chosen life purpose because it will help me learn and teach myself by sharing insights and teaching people in this way, and I realize there still needs to be a lot of work done until the point where I get very comfortable talking and start making quality videos with great insights, though things are moving forward, I'm able to remember things to talk about, put together insights and deliver them in a clear, easy to understand way, which is a great start.

What I'm starting to realize with this work is that people don't spend nearly enough time, not only meditating, but doing other internal mind work like - contemplation, visualization, recall, integration. As I'm learning more about symbols and learning about reality, I've come to realize that a lot of the books, movies, children's stories, symbols, works of art and other creative human expressions are all designed to understand reality on some level. I'm also starting to see there are constants in our life on which the world around us is built and understood, eg: direction, elevation, expansion, change, intensity, force, speed, proximity etc. There are also countless constants that point to what's going on in the development of human's lives, the hero's journey, understanding the world around us and ourselves, the spirit etc. There are messages, symbols, embedded all around us, in the nature, movies, books if you have the wisdom to read between the lines. "He who drinks from my mouth will become like me, and I will become like him, and the hidden things will be revealed to him." ~Jesus. There are many levels of understanding just like there are many levels towards achieving mastery, a character being leveled up in a role playing game, becoming stronger, wiser, gaining new spells (mind abilities), acquiring experience (applying knowledge in practice) and leveling up (getting insights) so that he can go on to defeat more difficult monsters (inner demons) and finally the ultimate boss (self). Knowing which level of understanding I'm at gives me a good perspective on what I still need to work on and what traps to avoid, which is why Leo's video on spiral dynamics was invaluable, it will also help me relate ideas better to people because I'll know the different levels to target the messages to. I want to start working on breaking down the system we're living under, the current paradigm of individual survival, materialism and dominance and analyze what the leverage points are within this system in terms of delivering the most powerful information to people. This is going to help me gain more understanding about myself and test my own knowledge, in fact teaching is one of the best ways to learn, which is another reason I want to do it. By writing outlines for videos I'm preparing to shoot for YouTube, I've already gained more understanding and was able to explore "blind areas" that I wouldn't be able to uncover otherwise.

I'm starting to relate differently to all the "negative" things in my life like low energy, muscle soreness, joint paint, difficulty breathing, problems with expressing myself, chest tightness, throat tightness and soreness, solar plexus and stomach tension. Yes, I feel like I'm sick on a deep spiritual level, because I'm already living a life style that is consider super healthy by today's standards, yet the symptoms, even though diminished, still remain. Which is why I'm really hopeful for upcoming Ayahuasca ceremonies, I think I'm going to be able to go deep inside on the spiritual level and address and uncover something which is the root cause of a lot, if not all of these symptoms. At the same time, I'm starting to see all these things as if they have been set up and planned for me on purpose, so I can learn from them and develop and grow despite them. It's like these challenges are the training grounds to create the ultimate warrior of light and this is what I feel I'm starting to become now. I'm coming up with insights and reality about life so profound, that they are accelerating my growth everyday and I'm moving over these obstacles and gaining even more knowledge, experience and wisdom from them, instead of letting them drag me down and discourage me. I'm starting to feel like I have been born to do this, to experience a lot of suffering and then use these lessons to grow into someone great. The metaphor of a lotus flower, growing and rising above the muddy waters of a swamp is perfect. And the great thing about this, is I'm no longer trying to show off, compete, prove anything, persuade anybody or even become anybody great. "Seek not greatness, but seek truth and you will find both." ~Horace Mann, this quote nails it for me, as I'm seeking the truth, the most profound wisdom, insights, and ideas are starting to flow naturally. I think this is the best place to really become your greatest version of self and where true, most beautiful creativity, imagination and art can spawn from.

Since experiencing Viapassana meditation for the first time during a 10 day retreat about a year ago, I've always wondered if there other techniques one can use to get into a higher state of consciousness faster, how can I make my meditation more efficient? I remember asking myself questions like, if we are scanning our bodies during the meditation, what is the goal or the next stage of this practice? Asking the meditation teacher this question yielded zero results, I would always get an answer like "just keep observing your body, there is nowhere to get to". Well eventually I was able to squeeze an answer out from other people that were there and it turns out there is a state called Bhangha where your body starts feeling like one energy ball and you lose a physical sense of your body. So I've been experimenting with all kinds of techniques I would come up, while meditating, to see how my mind is playing tricks on me and I could get myself to the next level. I realize this may not be the proper "Buddhist" way of meditating, though if our goal is to get to different states of consciousness these techniques I've been coming up with work wonders. So the first thing that works great for me, is like Leo mentioned, concentration practice before meditation, so I do this for about 15 minutes by concentrating on the area behind my closed eyes. As I was practicing this, there was huge discomfort from the monkey mind and I could feel a lot of resistance to this technique because I am so addicted to always thinking as I found out. This was a great revelation and so I continued practicing concentration for 15 minutes, twice a day before moving on to vipassana style body scan meditations. Concentration really helps when moving on to scanning the body and I'm able to very quickly feel the sensations all over the body without spending much time on going up and down. What I've started to notice after a while is the mind keeps flashing images of "the body", "the body sitting in the room" and the "room and external environment where this body is sitting". These habits of the mind have been practiced for many years to be able for us to navigate in our environment since the day we are born. However, realizing these thoughts aren't useful because they are all illusions keeping us from experiencing reality, it then makes sense to get rid of them. What has worked great for me for removing the "flashing body image" is, first of all not trying to make it go away, but to become mindful and aware of exactly where this image is appearing in the mind's eye, and just notice, observe and at the same time realize that this is just a mind flashing an image as if a projector is projecting it onto the screen, and don't get attached to it. Secondly, I start to "blur" the edges of the body as if using "Guassian Filter" in Photoshop, this coincides with the fact that our bodies and everything else we are surrounded with is all energy. After a while, applying the "guassian filter" to the body, makes it very blurry, and instead of seeing the usual body picture in the mind's eye I start seeing a ball of energy. This works great with the "flashing image of the environment" too, I've tried different techniques like - making the environment black and white, imagining other objects in the environment, imagining complete darkness or other places like being inside the spaceship or out in the jungle, however the environment where I'm sitting just keeps coming back, because it's so ingrained into our minds and our body always needs to know where it is. So the guassian filter technique works great on the environment too, and since the body is already blurred, after a while of practicing this technique, the body and environment start to blend it together in one blurry image! This can also be applied to the external environment that also keeps flashing, especially when other people make noise outdoors, blurrying everything allows me to lose a sense of the visual body and all the environment where it's located. This was actually pretty scary to do at first when I was trying it out last night, which tells me there is progress happening. The reason it was scary is because the body/mind has never experienced anything like that before, it's very difficult to push it out of the usual habit of perceiving reality the way it has been doing for many years, the state of losing a sense of where I am and where my body is it pretty trippy. This technique also works great because the toughest images to get rid of are the areas of the body that are touching the surface, like the butt touching the sitting area or back against the wall/chair, by blurring the environment and the body, I can start blending it all together. As the body starts blurring with the environment, all is starting to feel like energy and there is no more flickering images in the mind about the body or environment, it starts to dissipate. From this place I "switch off the lights" and imagine there is complete darkness all around, at this point it becomes a lot easier to replace any remaining blurring images the mind is flashing with complete darkness because the mind is not attached to the usual pictures of the body and environment anymore, but has become flexible and is more open to changes. The darkness technique works better if you're sitting in a complete darkness, and at this point things can get really scary because there is nothing but darkness, there is no more images of the body and environment and the whole thing starts to merge together. The only thing you're aware of are the sensations and feelings of the body, which is the next thing to work with. The next stage will be to play around with all the emotional and physical sensations and try to come up with a technique for stopping to label all those sensations as "pleasant, unpleasant, rough, subtle, painful" etc. These are all human constructs and not reality, so it makes sense to get rid of those too. I think, similarly, I can begin by simply observing how the mind is labeling these sensations and instead of the usual labeling, just call them all "energy", and become aware of this energy changing states, moment by moment. Since there is no more body attachment at this stage it will be a lot easier to call everything changing energy instead of immediately attaching a "flashing image of the body" to whatever feeling is being experienced. After a while of experiencing the body as moving and changing energy, I think the best way to go forward is to completely "let go" and experience this new state "as is" with full acceptance of present moment existence. I have yet to fully experiment with everything that I've written down here all the way to the end, these are some of the insights I came up with while meditating yesterday night, though I was able to get into states of consciousness that I was never able to access before thanks to these simple techniques, and I've never heard any meditation teachers talk about these, although the goal of Vipassana seems to align with these. I did just find out that - "Some meditation teachers feel that the following information should not be made available to the general public. That isn't because these teachings are for members of a select group, must be specially transmitted, or are in any sense esoteric; but because, due to the tricky nature of the mind, learning about these insights before acquiring personal meditation experience might cause you to anticipate results, thereby slowing your progress." I also just discovered this information about Vipassana - http://www.vipassanadhura.com/sixteen.html#fourb which talks about Sixteen Stages of Insight, and I'm going to be reviewing this and comparing it to my states of consciousness, combining the techniques mentioned with my own and experimenting with a bunch of things.

Had a huge insight this morning: "the worst things that happened in my life are the greatest opportunities to cultivate unconditional love towards myself". A roaring thunder applauded me at the exact moment I had this insight. And not only that, but the whole yin and yang concept finally made sense to me - there can be no love without hatred, there can be no joy without suffering, of course! I think this shift in mentality will make me unstoppable - there are no bad things that will happen to me anymore, only lessons for cultivating even more love, joy, and happiness. St. Francis prayer that I have been reciting a lot lately, really put everything together for me: "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace; that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light; that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen." Also: "Whoever drinks from my mouth will become as I am; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him." ~Jesus I've been getting a sense lately that everything that happened in my life has been designed to lead me on this journey. I used to think back on my past and think "I could've been smarter back then, if only I knew about Leo back then, if only I've been smarter about my finances back then, if only I started cultivating love and meditating back then, I would avoid so much misery and suffering, I would be so much more advanced in self development now and I would probably already have the beautiful life I want by now." These thoughts would create a lot of suffering, regret and unease, they are really the most difficult thoughts to let go and I think most people suffer in their lives because of they either live in the past or the future, constantly thinking how things could've turned out better or what awaits them in the future. I now think ignorance is truly the root of all evil. People don't understand that all of their suffering ever experienced are lessons to make them stronger, more loving, more compassionate, more understanding and opportunities to cultivate all the beautiful feelings within themselves like true joy, happiness, peace and love. We take the default position, blindly assuming these things that happned to us are "bad" and had only we been smarter back then we would avoid these "bad" things and our lives would be "better" as a result. I think this is the most dangerous traps of all, everybody gets trapped in this loop of thinking and are unable to really grow and flourish which reqruires one to make a simple switch and starting to see things in a different light. The worst betrayal, the most shameful memories, the most stupid mistakes you have made, the loved ones you lost, the disease and illness you have developed, the 'wrong' choices you have made, these things are the greatest lessons and were designed to help you awaken to your divine powers. The body desparately signals us that we are 'off the right path' by ways of anxiety, depression, anger and other 'negative' sensations, it's nudging, and pushing and sometimes screaming that we take action in the right direction, yet we choose to ignore it and cover it up with medication which numb the sensations and messages our body is so desparately trying to communicate to us. This insight, is surely going to make me unstoppable, there are no more obstacles in my way, only lessons which will make me stronger, more loving and wise.

If our minds can't tell the difference between a vividly imagined experience vs actual experience, how is imagination different from the illusion we are all experiencing right now? Can we call it direct experience vs indirect experience of illusion? Also, should the term 'reality' only apply to absolute truth? Wouldn't it be more useful to call this illusion we're living in 'reality' because that's how most people see it? Though at the same time understanding it's not reality....

Felt low on energy and sleepy most of yesterday, still struggling with energy and sleeping problems. Last night I had another dream where I was running out of breath, being sumerged in the water, and then coming out of the water and feeling really dehydrated, looking desperately for water. I'm surprised, that despite all the healthy things I'm doing, I'm still having sleeping and energy issues, this is making me think I might be sick on a very deep spiritual level. I'm really excited and looking forward to learning about Ayahuasca and preparing myself for the ceremony at the end of August. I've also signed up for a 10 day Peru trip where I will undergo 6 Ayahuasca ceremonies with Shamans that have been doing it most of their lives. The books I'll be reading are "Fellowship of the River" and "Ayahuasca: Soul Medicine of the Jungle", I'm thinking of reading them both at the same time, so I can connect ideas and get the big picture understanding, they call this "syn-topical reading" when reading multiple books at the same time and maybe even coming up with ideas and insights that weren't in the books, this I learned from "How to Read a Book", which I ironically is a pretty difficult book to read and put it aside for the time being. Feeling much better this morning, the metta meditation felt amazing, I'm developing more love towards myself and starting to feel my mood lifting. I also understand there will be setbacks along this journey, like what I've experienced yesterday, but I don't let it discourage me, because I realize this is not a straight line up type of journey, there are all kinds of zigzags and plateaus along the way. Also, I need to remember that I've been making a lot of changes, all of which are very recent, I think I'm only about 3 weeks into daily reading, only about a week into reading out loud everyday, just over a month of journaling everyday, and only a few days coming up with the ideas to talk about on my upcoming YouTube channel. I've also started doing Yoga regularly 3 times a week, QiGong and park work outs 3 times a week, self-massage after QiGong, unplugged myself from all social media, stopped playing video games and watching YouTube videos (except Leo), completely disconnected myself from my family (this was about 3 weeks ago), started meditating one hour in the morning and 1 and a half hours at night. I'm also starting to incorporate visualization meditations, contemplation, integration, concentration and recall. I've started pushing myself to work on my willpower more and not put away chores for later. I've been getting acupuncture and recently got colonics, lymphatic, and infrared sauna. I've changed my schedule to go to sleep at exactly 10pm and wake up at 6am, I'm making a smoothie every morning, just like the one in Leo's video, I've recently made a healthy vegetable soup, also from Leo's video and started incorporating more recipes from the "Eat Healthy" book. I'm now also running my own meetup called Self Actualization for Conscious People and tonight will be having my second meeting at a bonfire in Mission Beach. So....that's a lot of changes in the past couple of months, I can see how my body and mind may not like all of these sudden changes, but I'm really passionate about creating a new life for myself, that's why I didn't want to slowly incorporate these habits, but rather go very quickly. Another reason I'm more easily able to do all these things is because I'm currently not working and living off the savings, which I will be able to do for a while, do I'm dedicated 100% of my time to this stuff. Also, I've always been very persistent and have a lot of endurance and determination if I really want something in life, and this has been my strength and the reason I'm still alive today. I've also been able to pay close attention to detail, which I think is something I've developed while working for many years in search engine optimization sphere. I've always asked myself the simplest questions to make sure I really understand the ideas been presented, and I've been pushing myself to step outside the ordinary, comfort zone, which is what eventually led me to discovering magic mushrooms and opening up this new dimension for me, leading me on this journey of self discovery and improvement. I feel so greatful to have stumbled upon this knowledge and the Great Leo, I really wouldn't want my life any other way!

@Truth You're right.

Dreamed last night that I was transformed into a spider and had super powers, like jumping really high, I kept jumping over long distances. "To see or dream that you are a spider indicates that you need to draw on your own inner strength and willpower. Remember the phrase “with great power comes great responsibility”, you may have come into recent powers to help you overcome adversity and you will then be able to help others." I also saw my grandma from dad's side who was holding a baby, I had a quick conversation with her. A spider also symbolizes "weaver of your own destiny", so I think this dream means I will be gaining new powers with all the changes and personal development in my life and then jump over huge hurdles and obstacles very quickly as a result of that. "Spiders are also a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin." This is another interpretation which seems to be spot on with what's happening in my life right now. I'm becoming a lot more creative, my memory has improved dramatically and I'm able to put a lot of ideas together and have big insights, I'm quickly building a big picture understanding and everything is starting to connect. This morning's meditation was very difficult, because I felt like I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I'm still feeling tired as I'm typing this. I think it's the most difficult to meditate when your brain wants to go to sleep, there are other unpleasant feelings that manifest when this happens too, for me, more anger and frustration seem to surface during this time, which tells me it's a great place for inner growth, I was able to sit for the whole hour, but it was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a while. I felt less anxiety this morning though, I've had colon cleanse, lymphatic system procedure, infrared sauna and acupuncture yesterday. All of that seemed to have a toll on my body and my therapist told me body's detoxification can have that effect on the body. I think I'm going to take it easy this morning, while working out in the park because I'm still feeling tired and not even wanting to go out. Though, I know this is the best place for inner growth and I gotta push through this discomfort because I always feel more energized and revitalized after outdoor work outs in the park. Being a full blown empath, working out and doing qigong in the park while barefoot has too many benefits to miss out on it like grounding, getting energy from the sun, Earth's vibrations, nature's energies.

This morning's meditation was something I've never experienced before. I'm combining concentration for 15 minutes, followed by 45 minutes of vipassana body scanning and loving kindness. Concentration really makes huge difference, because I was able to really focus on all the bodily sensations and send love to all the uncomfortable areas. What started happening after a while is I started to feel like a loving ball of energy, all the "rough" edges mostly dissipated, there was no more pain, just a slight discomfort because my mind kept falling asleep, which is the most uncomfortable feeling in the morning. Though I stayed mindful and sent this love and focus to even these uncomfortable sensations and the feeling of love kept expanding. The book on symbols is starting to get more and more interesting, it's like all the symbols are a way for people to understand and interpret reality in a way that wouldn't be possible with words. There are countless life lessons, deep meanings, hints at spiritual growth and hero's journey etc. I think symbols is one of the greatest ways to improve memory because we are surrounded by symbols and understanding and learning them will make them constant, subtle reminders about all the wisdom of life. For example square is a symbol for created Universe, I started thinking of a square as a "model of reality" that we all create in our minds, which is not the actual reality. From that model reality, come boundaries or limitations which is indicated by clear square's boundaries, and the more we live in that model of reality the thicker these boundaries become and the more real are model seems to be. Square is now also a symbol for anything human built - computers, tv's, buildings, cars, phones, apartments, rooms - all these things are mostly square. Boundaries and limits is a concept that keeps popping up in my life, Yoga is a way to soften and expand those boundaries, when being outdoors around other people, I can feel certain "social" boundaries which manifest as bodily sensations of slight tension and anxiety - these are "social boundaries" and as I become aware of them I also soften into them and let my body expand, realizing I don't have to live within those boundaries. Mental models of reality is a clear example of very rigid boundaries of people's lifes, self-images and paradigms. All of these models create limited reality for people and they become attached to it and believe that things that fall into those models must be "true". This creates all the limiting beliefs and distorted perception of reality and thus can lead to much suffering, especially because most people are getting their information flows from the system which isn't designed to make them happy and healthy.

@Loreena I agree with what you're saying here, lots of great points. I think social family structure is one of the most rigid ones and very difficult to escape. I stopped seeing and talking to my parents about a month ago because they only brought on negativity. For a long time, I've been trying to cut them off but I also kept sub-consciously guilt tripping myself for "abandoning them" - but they are family, we must help each other and stick together no matter what. What helped me make the decision and not have any regrets about is switching mentality from "abandoning them" to "helping them because I'm helping myself", the more I heal and become happy, the more I will help my family and everybody else in the world, we are all one. I've never felt happier in my life as a result and things are really starting to move for me, I think it was a major burden that has finally been lifted and I'm starting to get a sense real freedom. Also, you could ask yourself a question, if these people were not my parents or family, would I still keep them in my life? If you laugh at the ridiculousness of this comparison, then there is something to think about. I love the system you're proposing, it would produce a lot more happier and healthier people. Unfortunately, I think it's going to be one of the last to go in our society. The ingrained programming of "owing" something to your family, especially your parents because they gave you life, is one of the most difficult things to let go, I think. As far as other social interactions, in my case, I kept a lot of people around that I called friends for many years, including girlfriends, just to maintain the social status appearance, so I could say look I have friends, and here is my girlfriend, no matter that they are all contributing to my misery and thwarting growth, I have something to show for it so I'm not a loser. Crazy how the social structure perpetuates these beliefs on a very deep sub conscious level right? Well I'm at a point now, that I have completely cut everybody off lol, and I can honestly say I haven't been happier in my whole life! And I'm also, slowly starting to attract and communicate with like minded people that inspire me and give value, without much effort. Solitude is what everybody should be striving towards, from solitude can bloom authentic friendships and relationships.

@5driedgrams That seems like a lot for micro dosing or maybe the strain I got is pretty strong. I only use .1g for micro dosing, anything beyond that gives me minor visuals which we shouldn't be having when micro dosing.

Starting to experience blissful states in the middle of Yoga practice and meditations. I've been doing Yoga 3 times a week for about 9 months, but I think I'm just starting to understand what the Asanas are really designed to do. There is much wisdom to be gathered from looking at Yoga as a metaphor for life and I'm starting to learn things about myself by looking at it in this way. There is balance, breath which is the prana, the life force, that unites body and mind, unity (Yoga means unity), expanding and softening to the boundaries - physical, mental, energy, pushing further than originally thought possible, knowing when to ease off and when to push, the flow of life - everything is okay as it is, acceptance of all nature, the beauty of present moment experience, concentration, the inner world from which all reality is manifested, cultivating love, vitality, happiness, joy and other positive feelings, non reactive behavior, continuing breathing despite difficulties and challenges, non-competing but focusing completely on myself, non-judging, purification of mind, body and soul. Finished reading the book called "Yoga with a Purpose" which clearly explained the 8 Limb Path outlined by Patanjali. I realized I was already doing a lot of things mentioned in the book, like practicing meditation, asanas, concentration, non-harming, non-stealing, impulse control etc. but at the same time there are some of the areas where I'm still lacking like Aparigraha which basically means minimalism. Though I've gotten rid of a lot of things already, there is still a lot of stuff I'm holding on to that I really don't need and will probably never use. Another one is "Tapas" which is one of the five Niayamas (how you treat yourself) which refers to self-discipline. Overcoming laziness and procrastination is one of the things I put down on the whiteboard for things to work on, so it's good to be reminded of that, especially seeing that this one is really important because "it awakens the kundalini life energy within us" the more we practice self-discipline. It seems that everything that Leo talks about and this 8 Limb Path are very aligned and so is all the self development work that I have been doing, and this book really tied it all together for me, because I was still unclear with what type of mediations I should be doing and where exactly I'm headed with all of this. Well the ultimate goal for all Yogis is to achieve Samadhi (enlightment) by living a lifestyle outlined by this path, where Yoga Asanas (postures) is just one of those 8 things, or limbs. I think a lot of people don't realize Yoga is more than just postures, it's a way of life and there is far greater rewards for people that embrace the full life style than just flexibility and looking good. This path aligns with inner work, consciousness, concentration and meditation, relating the world and yourself in a loving way and reaching states of consciousness that are so incredible and blissful, that one would be utterly shocked of why everyone isn't pursing this and instead chasing illusions of success in the external world. It's like everything is starting to come together for me, Yoga is uniting all those pieces of the puzzle, I'm starting to see the big picture, I understand now that all the greatest treasures are hidden within "the biggest secrets are hidden in the most obvious places". True love, joy and happiness are to be cultivated from within and nature is always reminding us of it - the sun's nuclear fission which generates all the energy is burning from within, there is no external force coming from the outside the sun which creates all that energy. The nucleus of every cell in our bodies is in the center, within the cell, the way we see the world is through our own mental model of reality which is created within our minds, everything comes from within, and yet we still delude ourselves thinking, that some day, we will finally "reach that goal", or "find that special someone" who will make us truly happy. I think I'm still holding on to it on some level, but I feel I'm starting to truly letting that go, thanks to Yoga and all the consciousness work I have been doing which is now showing great results.