Fibonacci

I still think about others who succeed far more than me. And they were in worse condition than me. I continue to think why am I in personal development? Why a lot of people who are successful doesn't need to do that? I know a friend of mine: he came from a top school in math, he earned the best notes to get there, now he is doing his PHD and with little effort. All science and math for him is piece of cake. I am nothing compared to him. But I admire him a lot. And he doesn't do the quarter of what i am doing: he doesn't go the gym, he eats craps, he doesn't schedule his day, he doesn't need to do dual-n-back stuff, and so on... And I was that through my entire life, I always was the guy who needed to work a lot more than the others to just pass. I am tired of this shit. TIred of my effort reduced to nothing. Tired to my shitty brain, destroyed brain, pathetic intelligence and fucking learning disabilities. I just want to die and end that fucking shitty brain of mine.

For years I wanted to quit my parents. For years, I wanted to quit that shitty house, that shitty family, that shitty father who is a complete porn junkie and my brother who is a drug junkie and dealer and my mother who is a religious and superstitious junkie. And after that they call me egoist! They dare call me egoist because I do not want those drugs into my life, because I don't want that porn and sick eroticism into my life, because I want those fucking superstitious stones and poster of new age things. Because I protected myself from them corrupted behavior and they said: "You isolate yourself, you don't want to take part of our activities anymore!". Well guess what?! I came close to mental illness, brother!! I have dilapidated my motivation circuitry from your disgusting porn books dad! And I had a fucking distorted model of reality, mom! The tragedy of all of this is that I wanted to go far away from them. But I FAILED AGAIN! I bought an apartment 2 years ago but guess what: too much expensive, and I failed 2 years in college part of that! I want to be free of this family and there problems. I want to be independent. I want to succeed in my studies and be finally in the domain that I want!

It's been two days since I stopped meditation. I have again one of those phase when I relapsed again in pornography and masturbation. Despite all the things that I know on the dangerosity of this drug, I keep doing the same error again. I relapsed because I though about my failures in college. Because I was not able to solve a simple problem on Brilliant and I though about my mother and brother who said to me that I am not able to do advanced maths. My mind focused on that idea and soon I saw only that. Only my failures, only my doubts, only my fear. It's been almost 3 years that I do meditation, and my productivity in college is always shitty. I continue to think about my youth, that it is wasted every year and soon I will not be able to be able to solve this problem in math logic. Every scientists knows that after a certain age we can't do wonders. And my professors keeps reminding me this constantly. I'm not able to eliminate that addiction. The porn destroys my motivation, destroys my consistency, my joy and everything in my life. I heard from specialist that an addiction doesn't go away, ever. I wasn't in the mood to found scientific evidence of that but it sounds logical. I feel doomed

I'm touched...thanks... For fish I'm aware that certain string of fish contains mercury that is why I don't eat tuna (which contains a high concentration of mercury and lead) and eat only sardines (from Bretagne) and salmon from an organic fish hatchery (i think that is the proper word) which doesn't contain mercury. You are right for probiotics, I will try to have good quality of those.

Hi, It's been about 3 weeks that I started the self-actualizing thing. I don't know exactly where to begin. I'll describe what I do for the moment: I meditate for about 1 year now every day before bed, I discover that certain type of habits where ruining my life like stress on exams and on learning. Procrastination when the exams comes. Addiction to pornography, drugs (like cannabis). I started changing my habits: I have eliminate the cannabis addiction and almost pornography (it's hard for this one in my point of view...), and it's been for several months now. I watch some videos of Leo a couple of time a week, I concentrate on the ''Curing Perfectionism'' video because I think that I identify some problems in there. The problem is that I'm trying to be more productive on my student's life but I constantly failed for the moment: depression, fatigue and not enough good grade to level up in college. I thought that it was a productivity problem but now i'm not sure. What to do? Is there a better direction for my searchings ?

Ok, thank you for your tip. I'll then begin with a reprogramming of my habits and specially perfectionism. I understood that mindfulness is something essential for that (if i'm not wrong), then I'll concentrate on your meditation stuff. But I have another question: what is the other ''subprograms'' of perfectionism? I mean: what do I need to work on to suppress efficiently perfectionism (in complement of mindfullness)?