I will turn 32 in a couple of months... What have I done so far?
I have worked my ass off in the steel industry, days and nights, for seven years, I saved every penny expect food and rent for my crappy apartment. Economically, it was a very good deal. Was it a healthy thing to do? No, I quit my job for 4 years ago, and I still have issues with my physical health that I got from working too many hours, too little rest, around the clock. My stomach broke down and I have had IBS since then. I also have joint pain and my body can’t handle too much physical exercise. My physical strength is nowadays my biggest weakness, my biggest obstacle, the thing that worries me the most. And I have been strong as an ox in my early twenties. It’s like I’m a totally different person now, and my ego has taken a HUGE punch in the face because of my physical issues.
I have lived in 3 different countries, and visited couple more. I have never been a huge fan of stuff, I once owned a car but I sold it a half year later, I like my bicycle better J. I have been in a relationship for ten years (until I was 30), we were the best friends ever and on the same mental level, but the physical attraction died of pretty fast. After we broke up, I decided to get the sexiest girl I could never imagine and have incredible, dirty sex with her. And so I did, that was fun for 6 months, but we were NOT on the same mental level. We separated.
I study economy now, first year is now finished, two years left. I decided to learn to play the guitar for a year ago. I have been playing for one hour a day since then. I quite like it, but sitting and playing for 30-60 minutes a day always gives me backpain, and that makes the practice not as enjoyable as it could be. I have been meditating daily for 2 years now, that’s something I really like, sometimes it feels so good that I get tears in my eyes.
The main focus has always been ME! Fuck everyone else, take it leave it, like me or not, the only thing that matters is me. I have been getting this odd feeling that the only external things that is left worth pursuing for me in “the external world” is
to start my own company and make just enough cash every month to get food on the table and a roof over my head, my body can’t handle loads of work anyways so it’s an easy decision.
find a cute and intelligent girl, try my very best to give her my unconditional love (this will be one of the hardest things for me to do, but it feels like my motivation now comes from a totally different place compared to before) instead of just focusing on myself (it feels like I’m done with that), make the relationship a priority instead of just letting it be, and finally, after 5-10 years (hopefully I found the right girl and therefore decided to keep her), to become a proud father, and spend as much time as possible with the child growing up, just trying my best to give the child and her mother as much love and caring as possible.
1 hour of light exercise (walking/bicycling) per day, necessary to keep my body functioning at least on some kind of level J
Keep on with the daily meditation
Everything else feels…like distractions… Is this “normal”?
