IronFox

"The human mind, inherently impatient, triggers emotional reactions when our ideas about how things should be collide with how things are." So feeling upset, angry... Is because what you think should be, isn't. The same goes with tears, it's not acceptance of what it is, and many other emotions. But as most of us now, angryness and sadness are very correlated. What makes for example, one teenager react with tears when bullied, and the other on the very same stimuli react with angryness?

My grandmother is one of the most dysfunctional persons I have ever met. She complains all day long about everything, victimizes herself all day long, always talking out loud... Reads the news, complains about everything. Blames everyone about everything. I also live with my mother, and they fight every day. More than once a day, stupid discussions, where they shout and shout and shout... They play this blame game over everything. I've tried to talk to my mother, she is younger (50 or so) so I thought I might be able to make her see. But it's impossible, I gave up, they won't change, they're just drowned on their eternal discussions and misery, and time here feels as if it doesn't pass. They don't work, they don't do anything meaningful at all, just mundane stuff and fight fight fight... It's painful for me for two reasons mainly: 1) Because they're family, I live with them, and it's excrutiating to be able to identify everything that's wrong with their behaviour, the root of their misery, but not being able to do anything at all. At this point, they will die and will have wasted all their life suffering. 2) Because It affects me. Because I can't have peace of mind. I have been doing my routine today, i have been happy all morning, excercising, meditating, calm... right now I was doing some projects. But having this ecosystem in my house is painful. They were fighting for half an hour next to me (my house is small, so I usually work on the living room, I sleep in a double room with my brother) and as much as I tried to be unaffected, it got me. And I felt a deep discontent and angryness inside me. It's painful because living like this drains me, and it's also hurtful not beng able to help people I would want to, knowing where their problem lies, but they're blind. One solution is moving in, but where I live the costs of living alone are very very high, so it's not an option right now. Probably in about some years. Any recommendations... how do you manage living with toxic people? How do you manage to get unaffected... Also, should I just stop caring about my family? If they don't see and don't change, should I just let them drown in their misery until they die, and just mind my own business? It kinda goes against my principles, so I don't know what to do.

Hey thanks everyone for the input, it really helps. So I'm not trying to change them in any way now. Still I can't help to feel furious, for example, in things such as when I see my mother treating my little brother badly. Insulting him, etc. I just can't stand it because I know the traumas she's creating in him, and I keep getting entangled. Sigh. You know if it was only a matter of leaving them to handle their own problems it would be ok, but the fact that they bring other people down because of their beliefs, just watching that... makes me so angry.

Kinda long post but please read, pretty much sums my biggest problem to overcome so far... Lately by being more aware, and meditating daily for the past months, I've been noticing the biggest pattern in my thoughts. I'm always seeking acceptance / approval from others in my thoughts. I fantasize about having a band, but in my fantasy I imagine my ex-girlfriend watching me and thinking high of me. In reality also, when I was with her I liked that she thought so highly of me, I enjoyed when she told me how much her parents or friends liked me, etc. I fantasize about talking to a person who thinks highly of me, and telling them things I now know that I feel would make them think even better of me. It's not random people, it's almost always people I know. I fantasize about being published, and how would people react, etc etc. A lot of things I discovered I would like to do just for the pleasure of feeling important/good/intelligent/etc. This also reflected on my social anxiety, which has been one of the most difficult things to overcome for me. Hasn't gone at all but it's gradually getting much better, It's related because It's fear of rejection what I had. I'm almost sure the root is always seeking approval from my mother since I was small. (Strangely, I don't do it so much now, but I think it has remained). When I did things, or had good grades, she would always tell me "You're so intelligent!", always, or something of the sorts. After reading mindset by carol dweck, I also discovered that all of this led me to low self steem afterwards, perfectionism, and fear of rejection, because of this black and white mindest, fixed mindset, not growth. I feel like I try every social interaction to go smoothly, because I want to be seen highly, social. I noticed that I try to please people a lot. I noticed that when I began getting bad results in my career choice, and I thought I was stupid, it was because of that. Or the fear I have of asking questions, because I feel like if I don't understand then I'm not smart, etc... Etc... every thing I had try to overcome all along now I see, it's related with this black and white view of things and this approval seeking. So, going back to the question. How much approval seeking is healthy? And how do I overcome this... most importantly, just with awareness? (Awareness alone is curative?). And how much is healthy, I mean, according to Maslow, we all need acceptance from our peers at some point, for example... The other day I composed a piece of music I really liked, and it was a huge personal achievement for me. I felt really happy after hearing what I composed, so I had this urge to show someone, and I told my brother to come and hear. I kinda have this urge when I achieve things to share it with someone, don't know if it's normal. I remember this quote "happiness is only real when shared", so it makes me wonder. Will really appreciate some input, thanks a lot.

Yeah, but for that one must be aware. I think recognizing jealousy is the second step: First level in unconciousness is the hater. For example, someome saying: "I hate that guy, so pretentious and loud, always trying to get the attention and girls follow him like sheep! One doesn't need to be like that". Second level would be recognizing that the hate is actually jealousy. (Some people may actually feel jealousy without hating, i think) That guy for example probably wants to express himself but he can't, so he resents people that do, trying to put them in a lower position (ego). He also probably wants the girls but he is too afraid, he fears rejection or he feels undederving, so he hates the girls or hates the guy, secretely wanting that. Third level would be to be aware what the anger -> jealousy is actually targeting something we want. So instead of judging and getting indentified with the emotion, the guy should see what the emotion is telling him, thank it, and let it go. Also it's good to identify why do we crave that in the first place. For example that guy should ask himself why does he crave the attention in the first place.

I recall one video, don't remember which one, where Leo mentioned something like: "Things you want to change, but you don't because you secretly don't want to", or something similar. Someone knows what is he referring to, or in what video does he speak about that topic in particular?

Thank you both, both videos were very helpful, very good insights. It's true. I've noticed my mother resenting me some times, "You are my son and it always ends up in you trying to teach me stuff, I have lived more years". "You probably read that somewhere but reality is different!" "Don't tell me it's an insecurity". Etc etc. SO yeah. Pretty sad. But I feel more relieved now, thanks. WIll probably still but her a book as a gift though. And well, I'm planning moving by my own in some years after I finish my master and get enough income to sustain living by my own.

So I read over and over that it's better to be delusional in a positive way. I wrote a list of things I would like in my life and read it every day, things such as: "I'm happy, I'm always friendly, girls like me always, i'm peaceful, i'm funny, i'm a leader, I always take responsibility, people like me"... There's one TED talk I recall that says "Always believe what empowers you". But, isn't this non acceptance? May be some of this things are actually unreal. This may have caused some internal conflicts? As for example, when I go to a party, talk to 6 girls and none of them respond positively (Is it just me interpreting my reality like that?) or when I'm in a situation where I want to be in charge, but my insecurities win over me and I end up feeling left behind by the group (once again, is it my perception or is it actually happening.) Anyone, is it better to just accept things as they are, instead of being postively delusional?

I've been described as a happy person lots of times. And I am, at social gatherings, and other stuff. My ex girlfriend always thought of me as an incredible person. I feel like i've been becoming a better version of myself with time, yes. But deep inside still now I have social anxiety at lot of situations. I have lots of insecurities, while I know at a concious level they aren't true, my subconcious keeps letting me down. I have a lot of fears. I have been depressed, i have some days that when I go out, I can't wait to come back home, to escape, etc. And you know, I know that 95% of the people that know me can't even imagine I go through all this. Maybe lots of them would picture me as happy. Confident. As you probably picture most of them. The only person you should compare to is the one you were yesterday. Everyone wants to show their best to others.

I was having this debate with my friend the other day. I think every person is inherently good. We all respond to the same basic insticts. It's just that some become delusional, or insecure, be by traumas or other events. Some person who enters an school and kills people, and then is covered by the media and the whole world, is responding basically to the same basic instinct of acceptance and inclusion (which in this case he lacks, and therefore covers it by these means, being delusional) than someone who is already accepted by a group of friends or family. He is overcompensating. I come from the point of view that these people can be helped. That we must not loose touch with the humanity that binds us all. My friend has another point of view, though. He says that nature is wise, that we should look for the answer in the nature and in genetics. If there is one element in our evolution that simply isn't contributing, or is detrimental, we should simply cut it. It's not letting us evolve as a species. Nature does this all the time. So he thinks that corrupt politicians, killers, and etc, should be just simply erradicated. So what do you think, is there hope for corrupt politicians, killers, or in a smaller scale, toxic people in your enviroment? Usually people don't change unless they decide that they need to change.