Shaun

Yes, I meditate daily but I don't think I will ever be able to attain enlightenment as I work 40 hours a week.

I see hope here and things are beginning to turn around. There you have displayed strength. I too have considered a driving job as when I drive I just love the sound of the tires on the road and the movement. It would be a good change for you. I only drive electric vehicles though so I can't get a driving job yet as few companies use them. You are lucky in that you have had the experience of being with a woman. I have never had sex and my last relationship was a short one in 2007. I am 25. When my mum and dad pass away, I may never be able to cope without anyone and I would probably end up in a far worse state than you. Humans are social creatures and there's no way around that.

When you say that the emotions are not me, that's not entirely true because even the emotions appear within and are thus made of consciousness. @Paul92 Please surrender fully to these emotions and feel them consciously, let go and rest for as long as you need to.

You are right. It is very fucked up and that's because consciousness is totally impartial like the screen on your computer. Killing yourself will do nothing to solve that, I think enlightenment work is the only way.

@Mikael89 That reminds me of my insight that existence and nonexistence are exactly the same. I agree, the ego is very good at making one experience bad and another good and it is all just conditioning as you say. So end ego, end suffering. @Nahm

I know I am not the body, I am that which is aware of it but even still, the terror of being tortured or whatever is so incredibly intense that it seems to obscure that knowing and no peace is possible in such a situation unless you are some zen master. @Paul92 Paul, the very fact that you are still posting here means that there's still some hope inside you. This is a great sign, please use that and seek support. You are still with us and that shows you have strength.

I am sure the realisation is wonderful but what scares me is that when the body dies, I re manifest and get tortured by isis or something else horrific. Is there a way to escape that possibility? I don't want the guy killing himself and coming back somewhere a lot worse.

Please understand that they will not lock you up unless you are a danger to yourself and others. Talking at length face to face with someone who understands deeply can be extremely helpful. Look at it this way, does it really matter whether reality is made out of matter or consciousness? Existence means to stand out from or to be separate and nothing is separate from consciousness and that's why we say that no THING exists. Illusion does not mean that something is totally unreal and nonexistent, it just means that what's there is not what it seems.

It's not so much that they are nightmares, the subject matter of the dreams themselves isn't particularly scary. It's just that they are so vivid and what if they are actually real places? I have been having these dreams every single night for the last four months after watching the what is god and aztec nonduality videos. The way reality works really scares me even in the waking state and it takes me several hours from waking to calm down.

Paul, I am going through pretty much the exact same thing but why kill yourself? The next life may be even worse than this one. I am in the process of getting the help I need and I would strongly urge you to do the same. In the meantime, I am in the process of de cluttering my life in an effort to suffer less. All the stuff I have accumulated has never brought the lasting happiness I thought it would. Take all the action you can to suffer less, and with the emotion that's left over, be fully present with it. Phone 999 and collapse in a heap on the floor and fully surrender to it if you have to, that's what I would do in a full on breakdown. You can be helped.

Leo is a preacher of solipsism and that just breeds separation, psychosis and suicidal tendencies. I've seen it over and over again on here. I would advise not watching any more of his videos. He doesn't give a fuck about any of us, he has even admitted that. There are people who care though and I hope you can undo the damage which has been done.

One thing that deeply concerns me is that when I die, I come back into an existence of pain and torture. A child being killed by isis, or someone being flayed in the middle ages for example. How do you people accept this possibility? The possibilities are endless, so this can happen?

The issue is that I can also come back as someone without the nondual understanding which will make things worse. I don't know if that happens though. I heard that no gain in consciousness is lost.

Well, it helps for all the little first world problems but I am at a relatively low state of consciousness, probably stage green so if I were to break a bone or whatever, no amount of mindfulness or presence is going to help my situation. Intense suffering is terrifying to the ego and at my stage I can't see any way around that.

What should my biggest fear be?

For all intents and purposes, you are still Paul and I am still Shaun. Whether reality is made of matter, consciousness or fairy dust doesn't really have an effect on our lives. We will continue on regardless. Take it easy for a while and don't go too hard at it. Also, please don't get involved with religion, it's heavily loaded with dogma and bullshit.

Definitely, I have seen three posts here so far where people have decided to or are contemplating killing themselves. Leo needs to take a more compassionate approach at times and address this issue in the form of a video about nihilism and suicide. In his spiritual awakening video, enlightenment happening in real time, he said that he doesn't care about anyone any more and I think dropping that attitude would be a good idea.

I don't want you to kill yourself and I am damn sure there are others who don't want you to either. I was exactly the same, I could not discount the possibility that all my friends and family are just fakes but then I realised that all of it is just mental masturbation which, as you are experiencing right now, is highly destructive. The best thing I did was to believe nothing and investigate my direct experience of reality by myself. I meditate and practice mindfulness in the way that Thich Nhat Hanh teaches. Please look him up on youtube, he is a truly wonderful teacher. Just look at every spiritual teacher and enlightened person and see how happy they are. Your misery is caused by trying to understand stuff the mind just can't understand so please, for your own good, have a rest. I know it's totally unrelated but Bob Ross painting videos on youtube helped me so much. too.

A month ago, I was in your position. I watched the what is god video that Leo uploaded and my life fell apart for two months. The best thing I did was cut Leo out of my life totally as his stuff goes completely against living a full life. Your friends and family are just fake cardboard cutouts who don't exist according to him. That is solipsism, and it's madness. Don't buy into that and please don't let this place destroy you. There are some decent people on this forum who can try to help but don't listen to Leo as he seems to me to be completely consumed by the very ego he has been trying for all these years to eradicate. This god stuff seems to be some kind of power trip for him. It is a total miracle that I managed to drag myself out of the hole I was in. It was like I wanted to kill myself so much but that would be no escape from the suffering so I was utterly stuck and terrified. I hope you get through this.

I really am not in a position to say much about it because my awakening only goes as far as deep, silent, thoughtless stillness. I have not really had any mind blowing insights but don't go down the road of solipsism. We are all in this together so please don't feel alone. You are right, the old world view of separate selves made out of matter was utterly magical and life was truly precious but at the same time tragic because you only had one shot at it. Now, as I see it, reality is an infinite endless treadmill of joy and suffering and full enlightenment is the only escape.

Thank you, now we are beginning to make some sense.

I would say that the ego is a necessary way for god to experience itself as an apparently separate perspective but the way a lot of the people on here seem to describe it is that my ego is the only ego and all of you are just fake unconscious cardboard cutouts experiencing nothing. What a depressing world view to have. Do not buy into it or you will ruin your life to the point that you will not be able to even do your spiritual practice.

So, is everyone here god or is it just me that is god? As I have said many times, if it is just me and my little mind that calls itself Shaun then that is sad, fucked up and also not really infinite. Is it not more correct to say that all of us are just god perceiving itself? Like god falling asleep and dreaming each of us into an apparently separate existence and experiencing itself through each of our illusory egos?

But Leeeeooooo, there is no point in creating anything as there is nobody else to appreciate it!

That's a good place to start, believing stuff like that will cause you to descend into total madness like what nearly happened to me. Examine your direct experience closely and practice self inquiry. That's what I do.