Shaun

It doesn't seem to add up. God is utterly infinite and is experiencing everything in every possible way. Why then assume that god just looks through my eyes alone? That's not really experiencing everything.

It could be but then that comes under solipsism which is not the same as nonduality and it trips a lot of people up. I'd also assume that you could see your screen and keyboard otherwise how would you have responded?

I just want the cycle to end, it's driving me insane and I feel totally trapped and helpless. I just want to be pure empty void with no joy or suffering. I wish the materialist paradigm was correct, living under that understanding was truly joyful and magical but now I see that it doesn't stand up to scrutiny . Every day for me was a wonder and I was thankful. Now I have infinity days. Fuck that. You also talk about "we" and "others" But Shaun is the only thing there is!

That's what frightens me to no end. Who knows what horrors lie in potential within consciousness? Shit like the human centipede or Saw are actually happening for real as well as other horrors which you can't possibly imagine. The possibilities are endless and that means that suffering and joy beyond anything that can be imagined is possible. It is also possible that enlightenment is no escape from that stuff and you will just be made unenlightened again to suffer all that shit forever. Rupert Spira and other teachers never consider this, they have this rosy eyed view of nonduality and haven't actually gone deeper.

Today I tried shamanic breathing using Leo's technique. I wanted to manage 15 minutes but could only manage about 11 before the tingling became overwhelming and I curled up in the fetal position moaning. Both hands felt huge and my right hand stopped working completely and would not respond to any input, it would just slowly move and twitch. For a brief moment I felt the passion for life I once had before I started delving deeper into nonduality but it soon faded. I wish I could find who is resisting and suffering. I can't find who or whatever it is that suffers yet it suffers hugely. I wish I could drop all resistance and do the practice properly. There is no resister yet there is extreme resistance. How can that be transcended?

Every single night I dream and these dreams are very vivid and I understand that they are no more or less real than my waking experience. The dreams frighten me and I wake up every morning scared of reality itself and I see no point in existence other than my family. They and enlightenment work are my only purposes now and I have no idea what the heck is going to happen when I die, I fear that I will remanifest in an existence of great suffering like someone living in Syria for instance. The sheer immensity of existence and knowing all the suffering which others in this dream are going through utterly overwhelms me. Is there any way to find therapists with a nondual understanding in the UK healthcare system? I want the therapist to understand deeply what I am going through and I don't think a mainstream therapist would be able to help much.

Thanks for reaching out. I am in Scotland so I doubt I could meet you. I prefer to do stuff face to face. I did however find your youtube channel and I really like it.

I guess it cannot really be answered then unless I use psychedelics or meditation. It is like in Rupert Spiras the nature of consciousness where one minute he says that consciousness takes the form of each of our finite minds and then he says there are no finite minds.

I am still wondering if my ego is the only ego/point of view in manifestation? Is there a clear answer to this? Could @Leo Gura please answer this if possible?

I have recently gone vegetarian and that has helped me a bit. I am not massively fit physically but can still go to work and stuff. I definitely want to feel better, I just hope I can get myself referred to someone who can really understand what I'm going through.

Is my ego and point of view the only ego and point of view? Did god fall asleep to itself and dream only Shaun into manifestation? Leo hasn't been too clear on this.

If consciousness gets lonely and wants to create, that must mean it has a ego and thus suffers.

I'm just going to hand in a fresh, clean blank canvas, or even better yet, a mirror.

Is it like Rupert Spiras screen analogy where each of us are just appearances on the screen but have no actual separate existence as conventionally believed by materialists?

Ok, that makes perfect sense and that's exactly where I am at. I am deep in the dark night of the soul just now and I keep getting this idea that Shaun's point of view and experience is the only experience there is and it is scaring me, but I hope that part is just delusion or the ego trying to take ownership of the true I. I am terrified of reality, Leo and I don't know where to turn. There's literally nowhere to go, suicide is no escape and I don't know what to do. I am absolutely trapped.

To clarify, does this mean that you James123 are god or you infinite consciousness is god?

That's good then, I want to use psychedelics too but my mindset is always fucked now with background anxiety so I probably can never take enough to experience ego death making meditation the only way. As I understand psychedelics can give rise to pretty terrifying experiences and you don't get that as much with meditation.

By that reasoning, the entire general public should be enlightened.

From here it seems to me like a huge turn around from where you were. It seems you are now in the dark night of the soul and I most likely am too. Life for me is so utterly meaningless and I wake up every morning scared of reality. I can not yet see in any way how all the suffering and torture that goes on can be love or be loved.

The confusing thing about this is how are my thoughts not me? Consciousness is all there is so that's all they can be.

I would not feel pressured at all. All of us are here to help. See this turnaround in your life as a miracle because it's exactly that. In my life I have no direction either and don't know where to go. I just wish I could win the lottery and sit meditating and contemplating for many hours a day while making charity donations. Sadly, the lottery is a huge fraud and there are no winners of large amounts. Anyone who claims to have won millions has been paid or bribed.

It seems to me like an ego backlash, stay present, it's totally normal.

@Leo Gura I experience that I am consciousness and all else is an appearance within but I don't understand how it is legitimate to say that the thoughts and feelings are not me. Consciousness is all there is and the thoughts and feelings are also consciousness, so how can they ultimately not be me?

@Leo Gura Bhahahahaha... What a fucking a devil! Who's the real devil here?

You can PM me if you like, I am not a therapist though and I probably can't help too much, but I am someone to talk to. I only drive electric vehicles and eat mostly vegetarian food as I care deeply about the environment.