Dragallur

33rd day: Meditation Now keep your hats on... because... I did 120 minutes of SDS straight! Now to keep things clear I changed position two times and I moved quite few times but not generally. I did first 51 minutes in nolotus and then 39 sitting and 30 on knees. It was quite cool. I expected it to be much harder, mind you this was twice as much as I ever did! Self-Inquiry 60 minutes walking. Lucid dreaming 1 dream. Physics Did a bit of Khan Academy and otherwise some physics on internet, then I did Math olympiade, I will have to work on it tommorow more. Mindfulness Wow, completely forgot. Did only 2 times or so. Hopefully during school it will be better. The Grand Project I mentioned this a while back and The Dude reminded me to share what I came up with since. Basically as I said it would be a site to learn astronomy. The first idea was to earn money with it which I do not know at all how hard is. I would have to study for it a lot of course to build extremely solid background. I want to do such a thing in english which means that I would have to either send my texts to corrections or get better in english, but that is ok now, I am improwing. Also I would really love the idea of this whole page extremely nested with all these articles, explanations and tutorials. I bet that if it would work I would start to collaborate with people that would help me to expand it, one person simply can not keep track of whole astronomy and astrophysics field What I really like is the idea that one subject would be "completely" and proffesionally covered there and also I feel like there is no great source for astronomy on the whole internet For example Khan Academy does not have much at all and it is more of the "popular stuff". Negatives Interesting, today was the most procrastinating day since, well a long time. I even watched a movie, played some stuff. I think it was mainly because of weekend and because I felt like I did lot of stuff with the 2 hour meditation. This cut off my day a lot but I think I learned something from it. Positives Well definitely my 2 hour meditation. Also I found about this guy who is also 16 years old and is doing astronomy. He is from Czech Republic also. He is basically one of the best guys on astronomy of his age in the world, winning silver on international olympiade and bronze too. I got thinking about it during my self-inquiry and I was able to resolve some kind of feeling that I need to compare myself to him. That was nice at least. Funny thing is that I know that I will have much worse feeling if I dont do much things tommorow. Hmm. Dragallur

@dude Thanks. Yeah I have it in my mind and I am considering how should it look like and what do I need to do to make something like this. Right now I know that I have to learn a lot to be able to put good information into something like that, but I feel like I could combine two things (astronomy and teaching) together so well with this one. I am only 16 though, I consider starting to read some books related to business to get the idea how does it work and if it is even possible.

Cool. I was wondering because I read all of your posts about month back and then I wondered what happened. But thats cool, looking forward to 31st December then I guess I am partly stucked in "how many hours do you have?" thing. I am on the journey to enlightenment (if there is such a journey :D) too but quite few steps back (if you can be any step back :D) I see what you mean about the forum. Not that I would care about the drugs much, I am not planning to do them and probably it makes some difference, its more the separation between people for and against For Leos pattern speech, I have noticed it too.. I liked what @Emerald Wilkinssaid about this in the thread about "Dark side of meditation, Rali's response video". Thanks for answering back and keep on working I hold my thumbs for you!

@dude I do not know if for book reviews it would be so helpful but I think that it really attracts audience when you put lot of intonation and ethusiam into your sentences, like you would explain your most favorite thing to your best friend. Check out how this guy talks, it really wont get you bored, but as I say there is difference between football match and book review (its just a random video I thought of)

@Marc SchinkelHow is your meditation work going?

Hey, I have seen your videos (not whole) and it is pretty cool. I really like the interface. How you draw is amazing, I really like the animations and how there are no distractions around, arrows and so on.. this really has future. If I were you I would work mainly on my talking because it seemed to me that in for example the video about Managing Oneself you stopped quite often which made the content less interactive. Check out how Leo talks or some popular youtube channels. Their voice is clear and whole talk is very smooth. Otherwise, great job, keep improwing

31st day: Lyrics of song: The night has a thousand eyes, And the day but one; Yet the light of the bright world dies With the dying sun The mind has a thousand eyes, And the heart but one: Yet the light of a whole life dies When love is done -Insomnium (Drawn to Black) Meditation I am really doing great SDS finally. No moving until it hurts too much. Also today quite interesting thing happened. I was doing SDS and it hurt. But it was ok. It was just a feeling! I did not get totally detached to be honest, but I was like, ok no problem. I even almost started to laugh when I was on todays Yoga and my muscles hurt and I did not care. It was completely ok! I really want to explore this in future days. Self-Inquiry Cool. I did walking during it two days back. No exceptionall. I do not write more than few sentences now, its because there is nothing to write. Its all just a lie anyway. I rather inspect thoughts when they arise and send them BACK TO SHADOWS! Lucid dreaming Sucks, One dream today, no dreams past two days Today I will try MILD in the night, hopefully I will wake up. Physics This is a ride! I did some astrophysics but I found out that my skills are way too low. I need to finish calculus it is the key. Otherwise most equations look like a picture to me, what do you do with this triple integral followed by this row of greek symbols? Next two week I will have hella lot of physics. My class is going on internship and I can not participate since my German is not so good. I picked up some classes that I want and I will have 12 classes of physics per week 6 of math .. yup when you want you can Also I am doing some contests! Mindfulness Went better than I thought. Not so much today but otherwise ok. I am trying to be generally aware of what is going around me and no auto-pilot mode. It is quite interesting but I get distracted a lot in school. Dragallur

Wow, thanks for sharing this. Never heard of this guy, but.. he seems to really know what he is talking about!

27th day: Lyrics of song: And this fall set requiem for my way Away from other's paths, I turned to desolation Away from other's thoughts, timid and surpassing Away from the others, beyond caring -Insomnium (Devoid of Caring) Meditation Interesting. I did 107 minutes today. Since I was this weekend on hike trip I did 80 in a car (that is quite easy and lazy way to do meditation). And when I was at home I did this urge to just start SDS and stop after whatever time I want. I did that, I was extremely not moving and staring at one spot basically for 25 minutes. Cool. Self-Inquiry Did almost 2 hours during hike as well as the day before. I am returning to the way of letting go of thoughts and trying to find "I" without talking all the time. I even had this sudden surge yesterday that I want these thoughts to shup of for a minute, interesting. Physics Almost none though I discussed some things when I was hiking and in hotel. Lucid dreaming Today nothing special though I had 2 dreams and I forgot lot of stuff.. but yesterday! Yesterday I had a Lucid dream! I was one Mars but I was comparable in size to it. I was there with friend and some other people. Whole Olympus Mons was under my feet and I was just chilling there. Then when I became even more aware that I am in a dream I started to lose it and then I woke up. At least I thought so but it was just a false awakening. Interesting, very cool indeed. Mindfulness Hell yeah, new section. @quantum inspired me to try harder to do mindfulness during day, I did that before but I kept forgetting about it all the time. Negatives Played a game once I returned home. Otherwise quite ok. Nice insight: I am starting to have nice list of things that get me into cabin fever and I want to work on that. Right now I am pretty conscious of it and it needs solution too! Positives I just stopped playing the game at one point because of dinner but I had actually no desire to continue, it was so pointless. Great meditation. Nice mood. All going fine and especially the lucid dream made me happy Dragallur

Do you do self-inquiry? I remember seeing here only SDS, though you commented on my journal and you seem to have some experience with it.

Lets do another Self-Inquiry here: Who am I? Who is asking? I have come through this couple of times already. Who did? I know, this was just a though of "me" doing it. Who knows? Its the same again. Who says so? A thought. I am not a thought. Who are you? I am not even speaking for the true I, I guess. I want to say that I know that these are all just thoughts. I have already uncovered that they are false. Did you? Yup. When? Ah, couple of days ago, I know where are you going. That is just a thought. I know. Do you? I think so. Thought, thinking that it is false as any other thought but still not taking it very personally. This "I" that is talking all the time is not true I. It knows it. "I" know it. Thoughts have to be false because reality is true and they are not representing reality. If they are not representing reality (using language) they have to be false and even non existing. This sentence as well as the last one does not have any place in reality. But they are here. Yeah, but their meaning is not true. And the "fact" that they are not true is false too. It is just an infinite loop of non existing thoughts. Ach.. Who wrote this? "I" did. I do not exist. The I that eats, writes, drinks, learns, speaks etc. is not true. It is just a thought. Says a thought. Damn. I am trying to get enlightened. Yup. Though this "I" that is trying to get enlightened does not even exist according to the paragraph above. Oh, I guess that when paragraph says it, it must be true. I can not get enlightened? Yes. You can not. Probably. This whole thing is staying on some kind of logic, mental construct. And mental construct is saying that all mental constructs are false. I guess it would help if I just stopped writing for a while, because thoughts can not get me anywhere. Because "I" am trying to get somewhere. And I do not exist. Yup here I am. Sitting still here. Writing this sentence. Though it is not me doing it. Well in a way yes but the thought "I" can not be controlled I guess anyway. There is noone to control anything. Crap. I am just stucked in some shit. At least it feels to me. I would love some kind of process. "I" needs process, I needs this and I needs that and I is not happy about this and I really hates that, I would rather do something else and I... does not exist. Fingers just write these words. Thoughts just appear. But all of this is lie. Still I am writing it. I am not. Damn. There is noone to be enlightened yet here I am... not. All of my belongings, all of my memories, all of my personality, all of my beliefs, all of my attributes, all of my relationships, all of the things I hate, all of the things I love.. none of that matters, I do not matter and it does not matter. It is completely ok because none of it really exists. Yet here I am thinking about it. See........ here comes the thought that I do not exist. Over and over. See........ here comes the thought that I am not getting anywhere. Who thinks all this? So deep in the shit. I am seeking answer and I know I can not give it to myself like this. I feel like a jumping rat that is in a maze (which is just a circle) and bumping into boxes titled: paradox, DO NOT ENTER infinite amount of thoughts. What? Why am I even writing this? Who is writing this? Its interesting how I do not believe in free will, I think that I do not exist, I think I can not get enlightened and I think that I need to surrender yet here, in this fight, all of these things are just burdens. They do not matter. Thats it. Do not carry anything. Do not carry anything. What is left when I leave all the stuff behind (+ emotions, I forgot them )? What is left??? I want to say that I know the answer. I want to say "nothing", I want to say that it does not even closely describe the state because there are no words left to describe it. Here we are again, concetrate on "I" and it will melt away with all the thoughts it came with. And the "I" will do it itself. This is called a real planned suicide and there is one bonus, you die while being alive. Also, note that this is a lie. Now the rat ran few circles and found herself on the same place, little bit dizzy but nowhere. It makes sense, where would you go in the circle? Now the rat was watching some of the stuff on one of the boxes and completely forgot about the maze. Here it is again. What do I suggest it to do? Leave her intentions, leave her body, leave all the rat memories and escape. Escape from the maze. Wow, what a lie to tell the rat. Cool, self inquiry poem: Who am I? What am I? Am I, I? Am I? Lie. Wow I really like this. Who likes this? Who listens to the music in background? Who sits on a chair? Who is writing this? Who is reading this? Who just stopped for a moment? Who was just looking around the maze? Why do I feel I exist in the first place? Because others told me so. They learned me all this thinking. Called me a name. Told me that I am the body. Told me that I experience all of this stuff around. I am trying to debunk this. Though I know that I can not do it from inside (in a sense). I have to get outside of here. Outside of this lie. Who does this? It is just a egoic desire though without egoic desire people do not get enlightened. It is part of the journey. It is necessary at some point but you can leave it behind as well as everything else once it brings no good. The time has come to release the burden. Who releases the burden? Noone? Does the burden releases itself? Maybe. Who does not know? This feels like the end for today. Dragallur

23rd day: Meditation 60 minutes. As usual. Self-inquiry 60 minutes. I think that I got back where I started in the good sense. The sessions with lot of writing were good, but these were only thoughts and I was trying to persuade myself of my nonexistence in a weird way. Lucid dreaming Uhh, after two nights of no dreams I got 1 dream today. Good. I am trying to stick to the schedule of going to bed and waking up. Physics Today nothing. Damn. Negatives No physics. I did not do Khan Academy for few days. When I am in class and they learn the start of calculus I help some of the kids around which is pretty fun. Also I can really check my understanding. I got the basis very well. I really know what is going on there which is nice! Positives Really fastly recovered from short time depression. Cool. Wednesday is great day for doing lot of stuff. Dragallur

@quantum Great job with your enlightenment work! I really like to keep track up with your journey! Thanks for sharing these things I was too thinking about longer meditation session, the max I did was something like 75 minutes of do-nothing, not very different from normal sessions.

21st day: Meditation 60 minutes of do-nothing. Had to break up few times because I did it in school but there was basically no other option since otherwise I would not do it at all. Self-inquiry 60 minutes of crappy self-inquiry. Little bit of awareness but I did it with other things and it was not useful. Monday is full as hell. Lucid dreaming Well, 0 dreams and I know that I forgot something like 3 or so. I went to bed at 21:30 as promised and woke up at 6:00! Cool. Physics Did some practical stuff with my host brother and it was very cool. I think I finally start to understand the currents that we build. That was like 90 minutes or so. Negatives Not much really. Today was good, except my dream recall and self-inquiry but I guess Monday is going to be like this. Positives I was on the physics thing which is cool and also I was on parkour for the first time! It was amazing. So fun, also I am extremely weak.. will have to work on that. Anyway these two things and the fact I want to go to sleep at 21:30 makes Monday really killer day. Dragallur

18th day: Meditation First time ever 60 minutes straight of SDS! I moved hands and so on but I made it finally. Painful, if the house started to burn at the moment I ended I would just lie there. This was brutal. Self-inquiry 120 minutes of straight self-inquiry. Interesting I want to expand my insights a bit but its really late so I will do it another time. Basically my mind is really fucked up with the fact that it can not do anything to get enlightened. Lucid dreaming Again woke up in the night! Two long and cool dreams! Definitely will try to keep with strict schedule for sleep and waking up though today it is late, I was participating on some talk. Physics Ahh, nope, nothing today. I am really starting to like the idea of The Grand Project I mentioned earlier. I will probably check out some things on how possible is to create such an online business. Negatives Not aware enough when discussing some opinions. Positives Really worked on doing self-inquiry when doing other things, cool! Happy otherwise. 50 minutes of yoga! For some time I wanted to cite a quotes from my most favorite band (Insomnium).. I listen to melodic death metal Here is first one: "To impart elegance all living Experience the grandeur in giving Felicity found in commitment Tranquillity in mere being" -Insomnium (Against The Stream) Dragallur

17th day: Meditation 60 minutes SDS. 43 minutes of no-lotus and 17 of kneeling. Thats good! Self-inquiry 120 minutes. I do not know what is the next step? There is none probably. I did not write lot today. I was more just sitting and being aware. How I would love to have some kind of process! Lucid dreaming 3 dreams! I woke up in the night and had cool one. Again for some reason woke up at 7:00 AM but I was so tired that I stayed until 7:45 or so. No alarms in the night anymore. Physics Cool, whole new chapter in calculus and I was creating my own Solar System which was cool! Negatives Some procrastination but I managed to self-inquiry it and did not get involved in the games! Positives Happy with being Dragallur

@Dodoster I know what you mean. I think it will come by itself. Now it happens to me more and more often that I inquiry throughout the day and that should be something we aim for I guess but when you have separate time for it you can are really concentrated on it and it can clear out quite few things.

16th day: Meditation 30+30 minutes of SDS. Quite ok, nothing new going here. Today I did 20 minutes of mindfulness! Yay, cool! Self-inquiry 130 minutes of writing and contemplating. Wow. This is getting deep. I think I realized that there is nothing for me to do. I can not do anything to reach enlightenment, how fucked up is that? I think I do not exist in Reality. "I" is just thought, just a concept, false concept that has no place in reality. Who experiences it? Nobody does, things just happen. Listened to Mooji, I know well what he is talking about but it does not help me at all. Nothing does. Shit. Lucid dreaming 1 cool dream + 1 random. Woke up at 7:00 AM for some reason instead of 6:00 AM, thats ok. Physics Wow, I said that I will be done soon but I just found that there is immense amount of stuff to cover! Not a problem Negatives Played Monopoly with my sister. I understand well why only awareness alone is curative. I felt pretty bad. I lost but also what is important I "wasted" something like 3 hours when I wanted to do self-inquiry. (See the paradoxes around?) From bigger perspective it was not a problem but not something I want to do again. Positives Went out for Frisbee at least. Had good mood otherwise. Really moving a lot everyday (ha, another paradox). I feel pretty motivated towards lucid dreaming! I finally understand "completely" what 100% responsibility means. Dragallur

@Mr Lenny Well I started self-inquiry after almost 4 months of meditation and I think it was quite good move. Everyday I added 1 minute and after two months I had 1 hour each day. If you feel like you have enough time and motivation for it. Just start, you will see how hard it is. The thing is that you need to concetrate on something but it should not be a problem if you are interested in Truth. Sometimes I feel like meditation is much harder for me sometimes its self-inquiry. Try it, nothing wrong can come out of it. I do not thnk it is valid to say something like 9 months before you will be able to start. Sure, after 9 months it might me more intense than when you start now but if you start now, by the time you will have 9 months of mediation you might be in big step towards enlightenment.

@Mr Lenny I think it will pass. You can try to break up your meditation. Eg. if you do for one hour you can try for few days just 30+30 minutes and see how it feels. Once it is ok just jump back in the bus. This happened to me too. I really screwed up some of my meditation sessions but now its alright. It just passed. You can also try different technique for a month or so but I think you will be back on track soon. Read some stuff about benefits of meditation and get yourself motivated to do it. Try to do it in the best time possible (for me its easiest in the morning). Hope it helps.

Oh sorry, I think I misunderstood.. are you meditating already? If not start with meditation. Keep it for month or so and if you fell REALLY confident follow up with self-inquiry. You do not want to start too many things at the same time.

@Mr Lenny If you think that enlightenment is the thing, go for it now. Start today, work up your way to 1 hour for example but keep meditating.

15th day: Meditation Sorry for not posting yesterday. Actually no, I wont apologize, it does not matter anyways. I did 60 (26+34) of meditation. Yesterday I did 60 too and also it was full SDS which was today too but in train which was kind of easy. Self-Inquiry Yesterday and today, great. Today I did 131 minutes and about 90 were without break. I wrote about 4 pages of complete shit, and I felt like even worse shit after it. Right after the end of the session I was having dinner. Oh my, the people, they do not exist. I was so much fucking out. I did not talk much for some time because I was so amazed by what the hell we are doing here with our lives. This is crazy. Lucid dreaming No dreams, yesterday 2. Going to rewamp my system. I will try to go to sleep regurarly exactly at the same time 21:30 and wake up exactly at 6:00 which is 8 hours 30 minutes. Maybe I will change it once I try it. I need to rebuild my basics in lucid dreaming. Physics Oh, I completely forgot about this one. Yesterday I did some chain rule. Cool, derivatives are going to be finished quite soon! Negatives Little of procrastination. Most of today I was in interesting type of museum where I actually did physics too in a way. (That is not negative of course). Also I skipped yoga though I planned it for a long time. Tomorrow since I wake up so soon I will have lot of time to do it! Positives I really have to praise this new type of self-inquiry. This really helps a lot. Otherwise I had to encounter some pretty interesting things like argument with my host-sister where I knew she is wrong by basic of human etique and she is using stupid arguments but I was still able to let go. Nothing like stupid arguments exist and etique is just a construct it does not matter, there was no right or wrong here. Challenge Nothing done basically, what did I thought when starting this "challenge"? I have an amazing idea. Lets call it: The Grand Project. The Grand Project This is idea of creating site, lets call it School of Astronomy where astronomy is stored. About planets? Everything, all news, all missions.. everything! Keplers laws, thousands of examples, or physics and math behind it, and how to learn astronomy, how to star gaze how to create your own telescope. Wow, this is going to be cool. One day. Dragallur

14th day: Meditation 60 minutes. Two shots on SDS. 28 and 32 right after each other but in different position. (No-lotus and then on knees) Self-inquiry 40 + 80 minutes. The 80 minutes were writing on computer. Deep as shit. It is very powerful I feel very concentrated when I do it. Lucid dreaming Screwed FILD because I fell asleep. At the same time I had 4 dreams in the morning, great! Physics Product rule finished, started quotient rule. Negatives Lot of procrastination. Used awareness little bit. Positives Feeling fine with stuff, turned the games in better experience and analyzing emotions at least. Also the Self-I was really cool. I totally fucked up the idea of myself. Definitely will continue next day! Challenge Huh, at least I was for walk, otherwise no yoga, no reading, no german, have to be honest huh? Tommorow I will have more time, the question is if it helps me. Dragallur

Oh ok, anyway as @bazera said. The biggest pitfall that he fell into was that he just did not watch the whole video. I get that it sounds strange "merging with lamp"... but Leo does not say that the angels really exist. I think he acknowledges that these are just hallucinations but very real ones. And he says that you should not cling that they will just pass. I think it is important for people to know about these things before it starts to happen to them and let go when it is the case. Let go, as Naked Reality says.