Jani

I think Leo was just trying to point out what people "could" see, not "will". Different people might see different things, you never know what someone has seen or constructed in their mind that they've been afraid of etc. and those might come up from the subconscious into "your" perceived reality. That's just my interpretation, correct me if i seem to be wrong on this.

Had this for one day. No motivation to do anything whatsoever, just sat and stared at things. Everything was calm and peaceful but there was a subtle anxiety/doubt arising at times. It was kind of a vegetable mode so to speak. Finally in the evening a desire to do something arose. What was this? It was fine by me but other people around didn't really approve.

The best I can describe it, it was like a stillness you get from meditating and acceptance, but there was still slight anxiety arising at times. Anyways that stillness state lasted for most of the day and I really don't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, it just was what it was. I don't think it was an awakened state, or maybe it was and I had been expecting something more from it.

Im still doing meditation 20-60minutes a day, and still doing enlightenment work and living more open life, but... I still kinda lack motivation to go longer than 20mins with meditation most of the time. I wanted to go all in with this but can't. Friends, stimulus, everything should be given up? It's too much I guess, I guess im not mature enough to do that yet. Should I just keep on going with meditation and wait until I get some samadhi experiences and get the motivation from that or what? The huge fascination I had in the beginning has faded into *Question -> Shrug shoulders -> realize i dont know shit*. I have hit the boring plateau with little motivation left. Hoping this is temporary while grinding through.

Thanks for the advice

"You're an adult man" "You're acting childishly" "You're just taking naps and drinking coffee" "You're lazy" "You just play videogames" "You do nothing here" "You will have to pay us for living here" All these statements are occuring more often day by day as I've grown up. I don't feel like these statements and labels have done their supposed thing on me. The only thing they've done to me is make me slightly depressed, closed, angry, insecure. All that will happen through the usage of these labels and statements is that I will grow into the mask of behavior they are expecting from me and all the stuff I liked and all my old behavior that came more naturally gets beaten out of me. It's now suppressed, it's still there and I can only let it out in really secure surroundings. This is not how you're supposed to raise a human from child to an adult. It has only scarred and hurt me, and made my actions motivated largely by fear. I realize the expectations that are set for me from society, but I feel so unmotivated and anxious to even start to fill those expectations. And then again this lack of motivation and anxiety is expressed in various forms and it will just be reinforced by the mockery and punishment. I want to move out on my own but money is required and I don't know how to get it besides working some shitty job which doesn't sound good at all. I have been meditating daily for 5½ months now 20-60minutes a day and it has had its ups and downs but has come with great wisdom that is really hard to express with words. And I've done self-inquiry on my own behavior alot and the more I do it the more im lost and dont know how im supposed to act, if at all. It also gradually sucks the meaning from all the activities I participate in in my daily life. I wanna keep walking on this path, but the outside world is setting its own obstacles for me to overcome. I dont see many ways to make living off of sitting and questioning yourself. But that's not what my days largely consist of anyway. It mainly consists of videogames. Im addicted to them. I love them. All my friends are there, im respected within the gaming community, seen as a likeable person to spend time with. Giving up on all that would leave me with the so called "bad" side of my daily experience. I know that will happen it's just a matter of time. I have started to see through my own, and others' egocentric behavior and there's always this small desire to tell everybody that the way we're acting here is producing suffering and nothing else. But the few times i've tried to explain that people have just rolled their eyes and gone onto justify as to why they are right and how they know all this already. Videogames and our small communities are something I really love but these deluded people make me deluded and suck me back into the old egoic behaviors. I honestly don't know what to do. Up to this point i've gone with "Do whatever feels right." And that little philosophy has turned my head to meditation and spirituality all the time. It's something that never leaves you. Even amidst your unconscious activities you come to question yourself and reality and you sometimes just become aware of your surroundings for a brief moment. It feels nice. Although from outside it might look that you've given up on it, the seed is still there doing it's work in even in a bad soil. You cannot kill it anymore, you can just try to hide it. But when the suffering comes back, it will be exposed to you again and you will go onto give it some water so to speak and you just know it's the right thing to do. Gradually, things become more clear and simple to you. Feel free to leave feedback and criticism since there are many of you guys who have gone through all this phase. Thank you.

Thank you for taking time to help me out with this, really appreciate it. And yeah there's nothing 'bad' before I decide something is bad. Videogames may be fun and easy to spend time with but I've noticed recently that it really doesn't fulfill me and have also noticed how everything's based on giving an addition to this identity of you through the rewards in these videogames (high rankings, etc.) and running after those has been exciting from time to time but it comes with a cost, suffering starts to come in subtly and gets stronger and stronger and then we look for something/somebody else to blame for those emotions because we're not getting that which we expected from the videogames, excitement and positive feelings in general. I've seen this in my friends and also the urge to act upon those feelings in me and everytime I play those videogames it just doesn't feel right deep inside, you know there's more something more important than this. But yes I've decided to go on to study to become a teacher.

Yes of course. And I've thought of what im going to do in the future and will go towards it. It's just more than that, it's not just wanting someone to be independent, it's more like constant mockery and belittling, bullying so to speak. Projecting their own bad feelings onto me after a shitty day of work etc. But i see your point and wish it was only that. Also I just recently turned 18 so im not a basement man.

Yeah. If you think you're gonna find a human from your social circle that is into enlightenment work, you're gonna be disappointed. From all the bs I've tried and been hyped about in my life, have I ended up with the one that im the most lonely at and in the one that nobody's really interested in and the one that if mentioned, people will just laugh at you and the one that brings me great deals of suffering along the progress. But deep inside you just know that it's the right thing to do, don't need no validation from other people as to why this is something you have to do, you just know you gotta do it. The gains are also so subjective that it takes a long time for other people to notice anything, but that doesn't really matter that much anyway.

From what I've seen now I wouldn't recommend Jed McKenna to people who don't have a strong broad view of this whole enlightenment thing. It will most likely just mess up your head. I would start with something like 'Peter Ralston - The book of not knowing'. It seems pretty easy to understand and will keep you grounded to reality.

I have tried to present personal development stuff to some of my friends. I was stunned how no one didn't give a fuck. Like if you're interested in your own life then you cannot be not interested in personal development, but I guess I was wrong. After a while getting same kind of responses I gave up with it and soon realised that I'll have to just be a good example and master this on my own first.

You on drugs m8

I'd been meditating on and off for a year or so but 2 months ago I started regular meditation. I've noticed that when im working im able to be alot more present and enjoy silence. Also helps to increase your acceptance towards every situation and everything which makes your need to be elsewhere weaker. Also it increases your ability to focus since you become more present and you won't get mad as easy

We have to fall asleep in order to wake up. -noideawhosaidthis

We also project our happiness into the future like when I start getting paid this and this much and when I get the new computer etc. It's funny how we also think that when we get this and that done, then I can just be, but never really reaching that point, and if we did, most of us wouldn't even start to "be" since we are so addicted to doing that we simply can't do that for too long. It's quite fascinating how deeply unconscious people have that kind of fantasy of just being and not doing much but then in reality they're running away from it, it's like they are attracted to that kind of life style but at the same time rebel it.

Aha! So it is only the resistance we buy into that keeps us away from it. But isn't it so that the resistance comes in forms that we don't acknowledge as a form of resistance? like entertaining ourselves in various ways and so on. That'd be kinda sneaky.

I have seen screaming faces in the back of my eyelids and the feeling that im on a boat of some kind because it feels like im swinging from side to side even though im sitting completely still.

Tea ching

A happy little motivation boost to keep going Thx

That is exactly what we're trying to step out of in mediation. The constant monkeying around and trying to go somewhere and wasting time. I usually just sit down for as long as I need to. What I mean by that is that I sit there as long as I don't mind sitting there anymore. Sit through the resistance of it and then time becomes irrelevant.

Sounds interesting, even though it's a bit hard to grasp from text. The experience must've been really extraordinary. I once woke up, or more like became conscious in the middle of the night. I couldn't open my eyes, well, I actually wasn't aware of my body at the time. There was immense fear as it happened, then I sort of took a step back out of the fear and there was a feeling of peace for a short moment and then I fell back asleep. Haven't really shared this experience with everyone because it's really hard to explain and sounds abstract.

On the contrary actually. From my own experience meditation has made my mind more alert and aware of what is happening and how would that make you stupid, could you clarify that? I think that when you give your mind some rest it ends up coming up with better choices, ideas and solutions. Maybe also someone else can clarify this with more content, hopefully this helped

Yeah cross legged is painful for me too. I meditate for 1 hour every morning on floor and after the meditation it's really painful to get up and you will occasionally feel the pain in your joints throughout the day. Meditation done the same way on couch, bed or anything soft reduces the pain a lot. It's really cool when you like step back from the pain you're constantly focused on, it like happens but it doesn't bother you that much anymore, although reality will take you back to that as soon as it gets unbearable. Good job with the meditation session keep it up!

It is really fascinating how something so simple as sitting down for an hour or two is so hard for most people, combined with no distracting activity of course. I'd guess the point is indeed to take it out of your comfort zone. Once you start feeling the boredom and anxiety of some kind, you know you've made some progress. Is there any difference between SDS and meditation? and is it ok to do self-inquiry once those negative feelings start to arise? I'd guess yes but some of you know better, thanks

Let go of the thoughts not the sensations, they will be there anyway. When a sensation arises like an itch, it is there as long as it is. When a thought arises, it is there as long as you hang onto it, so when a thought arises you can just bring your attention back to the present moment and let the thought go. Hopefully this was clarifying.