Maccoy

Guys. i dont know what to say. i just need help . i think i am going crazy and i cant deal with it alone. i was in serious depression about 4 years ago . than i found actualized . org. and i started to build up myself. and i did. i thought i will never go to depression again. and now it came back even harder. cause i dont know what else can i do. i though my psychology was strong but it seems it isnt. i think that this years of work was pointless ? i think everything is over and i cant help myself now. i cant even meditate . my mindfulness skills and my ideas and everything is gone. life that i was dreaming and seeing in my mind is over. what can u say about my situation. have anyone been here after all this work ? and have anyone dealt with it ? thanks for reading.

It was gradual. This tought came to me once. And than it became bigger and bigger I think. Also changing my lifestyle. + My trauma and that I couldn't train. Than came little depression . Than starting job and not following my diet . Eating and guilting myself. Than stoping meditation and gulting myself. Than doubdting myself. And also this though than I have gone crazy and so on man

I don't know guys. Now I am thinking that this enlightenment stuff is bullshit. I think that I have gone too far. I want to live a normal life now but I can't do it anymore cause nothing matters to me Anymore. I was committed to this actualized.org way an now I think I have made mistake and I kind of regret . And if this way is false I don't know what way to follow than. I wish right now that I have not known all this stuff. Cause my mind is telling me that I have gone crazy. I think leo might be crazy too. Maybe he has believed all kind if stuped stuff using psychedelics and all this theory And now I have done it also. Cause u can believe whatever u want under this substances. And this thought that I have gone crazy and that I have fucked up my life is always in my mind. And it is growing and growing. And I am afraid where it might lead. And I can't stop it. I don't know how to live anymore. I can't even say to therapist what is wrong with me. I think he will not understand all this nonduality stuff and will think I am crazy and will give me some drugs. I can't say what is wrong with me to my parents and brother and friends cause I was alone in this work. Thay already though I was going crazy with souch meditation and non dual work. And they might be right. And I don't see any way how can I come out of it. So I am here. Daubting meditation. Non dual work. My growth. Leo. This way. Enlightenment. My sanity. Hopeless. Have lost interest in everything. Afraid of staying alone. Afraid of thinking. Ally values, meanings , purpose have gone. It seems I am falling in darchness deeper and deeper and no one is helping me. And that no one really can help me. And I can't help myself eather. I think it will just get worth and darcker and at some point i might end this suffering.

i have watched it. and i don't think it is just ego backlash. i am questioning my entire thinking and sometimes i question my sanity . what if all this ego and stuff is not true and we just made this in our mind and just believed in it ? also i think i might be building my ego this whole time ? and realizing this is what putting me down ? or maybe it is huge ego backlash . ? or dark night of the soul ? i don' t know .

i am afraid i can develop an addiction and it might be worth than .

well. my motivation was my vision. my growth . my hobbies . boxing. yoga. running. cleaning diet . learning every day and working on myself every day . and developing every day . being this self made self disciplined human being. who leads others. who is a hero. and just life was just a joy for me. i have developed nice mindfulness skills. and every moment was joyful. i had some problems but i have dealt with them fine. with no worries. i was at the point where i was playing with everything in life. i had no addictions. sometimes i smoke some weed and took some party drugs but it was once in a while and i have complete control over it. and now i cant control even what i eat. and how much. i cant control anything. in summer i took lsd and had some enlightenment experience . and i have planned solo retreats . i though i was going to this amazing life. life was getting just better and better. i was on the top of the world and now i feel i am in the bottom. and can't see any ways how i can get back . i know all this theory already but it doesn't help now . and what did u do than ? did u came back . and how ?

i have watched all videos from leo and took notes . and i have read them and i was living them. i now i sometimes think that i have bullshiting myself through this time. i am like unhappy psychologists now. yes i now that but only in theory i think . or things have fallen apart really bad . letting go of my ideal life. i don't know.

well. i build myself to a guy that enjoyed life, every moment, i was helping others with my knowledge , i was cleaning my diet , exercising , taking cold showers, and i was working at home , doing tattoos and learning interior design and also teaching teaching hip hop dance to kids, i was so motivated , i was maditating 45 min a day , i took solo retreat even . i developed high self esteem . and now i hurt my ankle and cant exercise , i cant take cold showers cause i have some problem there also , also i started a job which i don,t like , my father is working here and i feel i am a little boy . my self esteem is so low now. i am 26 and i have not developed mastery in anything , and i even don,t know what is it that i want to do in life any more. and about negativity . i exp that i will not be able to cope with life. and life will be painful to my from now. all my ideals , my self discipline , my visions , they are all gone. i though i was this cool guy who was able to deal with everything and now being in this situation tells me a different story . it feels like 4 years ago , but in that time i started this journey , and now i am in that situation but + i have already gone this journey and i don't know what will help me now to get out of this situation. back than i saw the way and i followed it. and now i can't see . i feel like i have fucked up my life and that it will not be same again . i will not be same as i was . and i am so afraid of this. i feel like victim. and i think i enjoy playing victim now. i think something in me wants to suffer and play this victim . well back than i though i was a creator. and helping others to come out of this victim mindset. and now i cant help myself. isn't this funny? also i started smoking . and overeating sometimes. cause i find joy in it. i am becoming an addict. and i find joy at the end of the day when i go to bad. but i am afraid of waking up next day . cause at night i wake up and all this thoughts come to my . and i cant even sleep than . in the morning all this thoughts come to me and it is hard for me to do the work . during day this thoughts come to me and so on and on . also i know that i must suffer mindfully . and get mobilized . and don't avoid emotional labor. and sometimes i have some hope that i will deal with this situation and come out of it even stronger but it is mostly in the evening . and when i go to bed next morning it is gone. if only i can train now and take cold showers i think it would help me but this tools i cant use. so i feel i had everything i now i have lost everything. and it is done. and it is even hard for me to explain to others what is wrong with me.

if there is no self and no ago at all , what's the point of affiramtions?

how is it possible working on enlightenment and at the same time using affirmations like: i am comfident or i am completely indefendent of the good or the bad opinions of others and so on if i know that there is no " i " (me) at all.

wll , i mean that ,how is it possible working on enlightenment and at the same time using affirmations like: i am comfident or i am completely indefendent of the good or the bad opinions of others and so on if i know that there is no " i " (me) at all.