Maccoy

It was gradual. This tought came to me once. And than it became bigger and bigger I think. Also changing my lifestyle. + My trauma and that I couldn't train. Than came little depression . Than starting job and not following my diet . Eating and guilting myself. Than stoping meditation and gulting myself. Than doubdting myself. And also this though than I have gone crazy and so on man

I don't know guys. Now I am thinking that this enlightenment stuff is bullshit. I think that I have gone too far. I want to live a normal life now but I can't do it anymore cause nothing matters to me Anymore. I was committed to this actualized.org way an now I think I have made mistake and I kind of regret . And if this way is false I don't know what way to follow than. I wish right now that I have not known all this stuff. Cause my mind is telling me that I have gone crazy. I think leo might be crazy too. Maybe he has believed all kind if stuped stuff using psychedelics and all this theory And now I have done it also. Cause u can believe whatever u want under this substances. And this thought that I have gone crazy and that I have fucked up my life is always in my mind. And it is growing and growing. And I am afraid where it might lead. And I can't stop it. I don't know how to live anymore. I can't even say to therapist what is wrong with me. I think he will not understand all this nonduality stuff and will think I am crazy and will give me some drugs. I can't say what is wrong with me to my parents and brother and friends cause I was alone in this work. Thay already though I was going crazy with souch meditation and non dual work. And they might be right. And I don't see any way how can I come out of it. So I am here. Daubting meditation. Non dual work. My growth. Leo. This way. Enlightenment. My sanity. Hopeless. Have lost interest in everything. Afraid of staying alone. Afraid of thinking. Ally values, meanings , purpose have gone. It seems I am falling in darchness deeper and deeper and no one is helping me. And that no one really can help me. And I can't help myself eather. I think it will just get worth and darcker and at some point i might end this suffering.

i have watched it. and i don't think it is just ego backlash. i am questioning my entire thinking and sometimes i question my sanity . what if all this ego and stuff is not true and we just made this in our mind and just believed in it ? also i think i might be building my ego this whole time ? and realizing this is what putting me down ? or maybe it is huge ego backlash . ? or dark night of the soul ? i don' t know .

i am afraid i can develop an addiction and it might be worth than .

well. my motivation was my vision. my growth . my hobbies . boxing. yoga. running. cleaning diet . learning every day and working on myself every day . and developing every day . being this self made self disciplined human being. who leads others. who is a hero. and just life was just a joy for me. i have developed nice mindfulness skills. and every moment was joyful. i had some problems but i have dealt with them fine. with no worries. i was at the point where i was playing with everything in life. i had no addictions. sometimes i smoke some weed and took some party drugs but it was once in a while and i have complete control over it. and now i cant control even what i eat. and how much. i cant control anything. in summer i took lsd and had some enlightenment experience . and i have planned solo retreats . i though i was going to this amazing life. life was getting just better and better. i was on the top of the world and now i feel i am in the bottom. and can't see any ways how i can get back . i know all this theory already but it doesn't help now . and what did u do than ? did u came back . and how ?

i have watched all videos from leo and took notes . and i have read them and i was living them. i now i sometimes think that i have bullshiting myself through this time. i am like unhappy psychologists now. yes i now that but only in theory i think . or things have fallen apart really bad . letting go of my ideal life. i don't know.

well. i build myself to a guy that enjoyed life, every moment, i was helping others with my knowledge , i was cleaning my diet , exercising , taking cold showers, and i was working at home , doing tattoos and learning interior design and also teaching teaching hip hop dance to kids, i was so motivated , i was maditating 45 min a day , i took solo retreat even . i developed high self esteem . and now i hurt my ankle and cant exercise , i cant take cold showers cause i have some problem there also , also i started a job which i don,t like , my father is working here and i feel i am a little boy . my self esteem is so low now. i am 26 and i have not developed mastery in anything , and i even don,t know what is it that i want to do in life any more. and about negativity . i exp that i will not be able to cope with life. and life will be painful to my from now. all my ideals , my self discipline , my visions , they are all gone. i though i was this cool guy who was able to deal with everything and now being in this situation tells me a different story . it feels like 4 years ago , but in that time i started this journey , and now i am in that situation but + i have already gone this journey and i don't know what will help me now to get out of this situation. back than i saw the way and i followed it. and now i can't see . i feel like i have fucked up my life and that it will not be same again . i will not be same as i was . and i am so afraid of this. i feel like victim. and i think i enjoy playing victim now. i think something in me wants to suffer and play this victim . well back than i though i was a creator. and helping others to come out of this victim mindset. and now i cant help myself. isn't this funny? also i started smoking . and overeating sometimes. cause i find joy in it. i am becoming an addict. and i find joy at the end of the day when i go to bad. but i am afraid of waking up next day . cause at night i wake up and all this thoughts come to my . and i cant even sleep than . in the morning all this thoughts come to me and it is hard for me to do the work . during day this thoughts come to me and so on and on . also i know that i must suffer mindfully . and get mobilized . and don't avoid emotional labor. and sometimes i have some hope that i will deal with this situation and come out of it even stronger but it is mostly in the evening . and when i go to bed next morning it is gone. if only i can train now and take cold showers i think it would help me but this tools i cant use. so i feel i had everything i now i have lost everything. and it is done. and it is even hard for me to explain to others what is wrong with me.

Guys. i dont know what to say. i just need help . i think i am going crazy and i cant deal with it alone. i was in serious depression about 4 years ago . than i found actualized . org. and i started to build up myself. and i did. i thought i will never go to depression again. and now it came back even harder. cause i dont know what else can i do. i though my psychology was strong but it seems it isnt. i think that this years of work was pointless ? i think everything is over and i cant help myself now. i cant even meditate . my mindfulness skills and my ideas and everything is gone. life that i was dreaming and seeing in my mind is over. what can u say about my situation. have anyone been here after all this work ? and have anyone dealt with it ? thanks for reading.

wll , i mean that ,how is it possible working on enlightenment and at the same time using affirmations like: i am comfident or i am completely indefendent of the good or the bad opinions of others and so on if i know that there is no " i " (me) at all.

how is it possible working on enlightenment and at the same time using affirmations like: i am comfident or i am completely indefendent of the good or the bad opinions of others and so on if i know that there is no " i " (me) at all.

if there is no self and no ago at all , what's the point of affiramtions?