ElenaO

Luke is more frustrated than usual today. He refuses the breast a lot of the times, it makes me worried. Is he all right? will we continue breastfeeding if this continues? At the same time my nipples are on fire! They are red, chafed and ready for a break. Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge! Not only is it painful, but there's a constant worry about the supply. And then there's this pressure from everywhere to continue to breastfeed. And the guilt.

Last night Luke slept long, which gave so much needed rest. He ate at 3:30A and at 6A. I could get him to fall asleep after the last feed at 6AM, which is lucky! Usually he wouldn't fall asleep after 6AM. Perhaps the dark curtains help after all. However, he got overtired after that and fell asleep next time only some time after noon. We were dealing with a lot of screaming and cries. I feel so bad for him when he's feeling like that. He's tired but wouldn't fall asleep. Raising a child is a tough tough job. Sometimes I feel it's amongst the hardest. I read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins and it sometimes reminds me that it's somewhat similar in terms of hardships. You gotta have that cookie jar to survive. It trains patience first and foremost. As well as emotional strength. I always wonder how did others decide to have a second child? I feel bad saying it, but a lot of the times I have a thought of never having a second one. It's just too much. Perhaps people forget this, even though I don't think I'll ever forget how bad it can get. But who knows... Luke is very cute now. I feel guilty of saying the above.

Having a child has made me realize so many things. It's the roughest time I'd ever had in my life. It thought me how hard can life get and it makes me appreciate small things more. Just a walk around the block was a gift just a month ago. In certain ways it would have been better to have a child earlier, because it would have thought me to be more hard working and take more responsibility. Today I just accepted that things aren't going to be as I want them and I decided to be kinder to myself. I decided not to judge myself for doing less tummy time with Luke, walk less, have more chocolate and generally just enjoy a few things, like reading people's blogs on livejournal. I'll have my mom come over every other day or less as I don't have a perfect relationship with her. She drives me crazy and even when I try to stay conscious of it, it's so hard! It's just so complicated in many regards: she has limited beliefs, and that triggers me, she has a say in things I am sure I know better, that triggers me too. I also know that I help her much more than she does me, and I'd rather have her take care of her things rather than helping me. But that's just not going to happen.

I had a rough night. Luke is making noises at night, and since I am a light sleeper it affects me. I woke up, fed Luke and waited for my mom to come over to help. She went on a walk with him, while I was supposed to rest. I couldn't sleep. I got up after an hour or so and went to shower. There I felt like everything just isn't going the right way: I am exhausted but cannot sleep, my milk supply keeps going up and down no matter what, Luke isn't gaining enough, my nipples are chafed and hurt, and to add to all that I am gaining weight. Doh, where's the promised weight loss while breastfeeding?! Nope, not happening. I'd have wanted to stay at the weight I was after birth, instead I've gained instead of losing. Part of it is that I am so tired every day and that makes me hungry and makes me crave things. In addition, breastfeeding generally makes you hungrier. I probably consume over 2k kcal every day. Plus, we have fights and disagreements with my husbands. Thankfully, we resolve them, but things are far from perfect.

Today was a good day. Well, it's not over. The baby was smiley and happy for the most part, for the exception of the episodes when he got overtired for a couple of times. We went for a weigh in at the pediatric clinic. The weight is at 11 pounds 9 ounces, which isn't great, but not a dire situation. They said babies should gain one to two ounces a day. I discussed the au pair possibility with my husband and he's against it. He doesn't want anyone living with us. He also mentioned that I can go back to work whenever I want to. If course I can, but no one is going to care for Luke as well as I do, pretty sure. Not to say that I am great though, considering I am feeling down quite a bit. There's still a piece of me that resents the whole unfair game of men versus women work with raising a child. He gets to work a few hours and then he's free for the most part. I have a job nonstop which is highly emotionally and physically draining. He just left to see a friend. How many friends have I seen? None. Except for a couple which came over for an hour and that wasn't even my desire. I don't have time to stretch or wash my hair, what friend visits are we talking about. He's bought a board game, meaning for us to play it. He clearly does not understand how busy I am. I resent men for having it so easy in this regard...

Today was hard. Woke up at midnight to pump extra milk for the baby, at three am to feed the baby, at six again to feed and then Luke wouldn't fall asleep. I don't remember ever going to sleep at 8PM and being happy about it. Most days aren't anymore as tough though. The beginning was toughest and I had literally just fog, hoping for the day to end soon. It's still like that often.

@lxlichael you mean for babies? I like the The happiest baby on the block, it has some useful advice.

Thank you @Raptorsin7 Yeah, it's been a journey so far.

Throughout the childhood we've seen so many people to learn about babies. So far we've talked to a doula, a sleep pediatrician, been to multiple pediatric appointments, I have seen lactation consultant twice at home, twice at the Lytle center, once over zoom, once over the phone from la leche league. We've also had the tongue tie released for Luke and saw a bodywork specialist Ceci later.

I realize that I haven't practiced standing up for myself enough. Now I reached the point that I experience a lot of pain because of it. Or I just became more conscious of it. My main trouble is speaking up when there are passing dogs, whose owners let them sniff me, approach me. I have previous trauma because of dogs. Most people here in US are in love with them, so this makes me even more hesitant to speak up if their freaking dogs approach me. I have tried to assert myself previously and have had good and bad experiences. However, right now I am at the point, where this is just too painful. And I try to avoid any situations with dogs. And it makes me resent all these people, their dogs and in fact most of the strangers on the streets. I think it's partly paralysis by analysis, because I've talked to so many couches about this. Yet this hasn't been solved.

You don't understand: I am sick of being harassed by dogs. It's not even the dogs, it's more the people who own the dogs that bother me. I haven't ever been bitten. I was harassed by dogs and most importantly indirectly by people who own them who didn't care to acknowledge that they are hurting someone. I have thought of saying no when the dog approaches. It's also not easy. But it's more doable than trying to explain to the owner beforehand about it. "Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt." That's not a solution. I don't want to become friends with dogs. Not everyone needs to love/like them. I don't want to force myself to like them. It's violence against me. I am not saying dogs are bad. What I am saying is that their owners are unconscious and aren't taking care of protecting others from their harassment. And I am not saying of all the owners. A lot of them are considerate and keep the dogs close to their bodies. So the bottom line: the problem is not so much in the dogs, the problem is in relationships with their owners/strangers on the streets I meet.

Nope. Not a solution.

Are you planning on having a family? Why/why not? Do you want to have kids?

The title of the journal reflects exactly how I've been feeling for over two years now. An existential crisis, no joke. I know that if my life would suddenly become challenging I would immediately get out of this rut. And sooner or later I will. It's a fact. I don't know if others have this same issue or it's just me. I cannot concentrate when there are a lot of people around walking / minding their business. I am talking about my colleagues. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot commit on talking / interacting with them, because I have to work. Besides, I have an issue communicating with them since it's not my mother tongue (a childhood trauma that makes me much more shy than I usually am). It feels like they are stealing my energy and my attention. And then I cannot focus on my work. It's so frustrating. I've talked to my boss and asked about the possibility of working remotely. He said that's impossible. Even though there are a couple of colleagues who do this. Screw that. Such a fair workplace. I will have another meeting with him tomorrow to put an end to my sufferings. Until then, peace!

Oooh, it's been so long since I posted here. A lot of things happened since then. I moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. But the biggest change and surprise of this year so far is that I am pregnant. I had no idea this could happen so easily, I thought it would be a long journey. What did I know. However, all is not easy. Now that I am 8 weeks in, I feel horrible. In fact, I felt horrible starting week 5. I am constantly nauseous, often tired to exhaustion, and even depressed. Who would have known. That was the least of my expectations. I thought it's hard to have a baby, but not while the baby is in you. It proves to be a hard process for which I wasn't prepared. Not sure I can be prepared. Sometimes it feels so bad, that I just want to die. And just a month before I was so motivated and excited about everything. This makes me realize that I am far from being able to embody all the practices I learned during my meditation. I can some, but often I am just depressed and don't want anything. What surprises me most is that no one talks about this hard path some women have to take. The problem is there is no way to tame this nausea. You just have to suffer. So much for the "most wonderful time of your life", that I hear from so many people when they talk about pregnancy. I call it BS.

Listening Rubbing the back Giving complements Smiling Helping out with annoying things Sharing high quality time

I am back from a 17 day vacation and I have no motivation to do anything. I hate it all: the city, the apartment, the work. I just want to do nothing. I want to be, not do. Honestly, my day is filled with so much doing of unimportant, of just sustaining your life. So much resistance again. I thought having a vacation would help me reenergize and want to do even more. Apparently not. I really want to go to another place and take a break from Seattle, from the apartment. I may.

It is said that in order to move up the Spiral you'll need to go through the stage fully. I rank myself somewhere between Orange and Green with some Yellow. I haven't embodied in my life a few things that are specific to Orange: playing politics at work, marketing yourself, networking with management (read subtle manipulation). Neither have I strived to be the best. I definitely have high standards but not aiming at the pedestal. I also do not do enough networking in general, and do no consider myself very gregarious, charismatic, chatty, talkative, social. And these are important to be successful in the corporate world. Does this mean I cannot move up if I do not work on these? This sounds silly to me. I haven't embodied other things either, such as being very fit (which I do value), looking your best, but those I may work on. However, the highly strategic and calculated steps such as networking with your management sound distasteful to me. I know I won't likely be promoted because I disagree with them, yet... What do you think?

@allislove thanks for your input!

Downtown Seattle, WA

Thanks. Well it sucks. It pisses me off especially because it's so unfair. But maybe I need to dig deeper and see how these men are actually "contributing".

Thanks for suggestions. I've been doing meditation for years and I agree it does have an influence on your life overall. What I don't understand is the fact that the desire would fade away? If you see an unfair situation, how would it? And why should it fade away? It's not like I yearn to get this promotion. It's more about making it right. Why should I be getting less and be content with it? Let's be honest, we are still humans.

@allislove Thanks. However, I feel like you consider that I am some sort of monster that does not realize what she's doing. I am pretty conscious and I won't be hurting anyone, trust me.

Thanks. Oh I do my spiritual work daily. But frankly it has almost nothing to do with the skills of getting ahead in our orange world. You may meditate all you want but it won't change the fact that you'll need to interact and work with others. I am kind. Obviously I won't now turn into some shark I am me. Just gotta be more cunning ?

Oh I am with you this one. I think I totally have a shadow there too, because I honestly hate all these games with all my heart and resent all the people that play them.