ElenaO

Last and the previous nights were just horrible. Luke would wake up so often, I would try to soothe him with the pacifier. I felt so much desperation, like nothing's working. I feel worst in the evenings and at nights. I wonder how much of it has to do with darkness and hormones. They say pepcid can take weeks to start working. My mom keeps invalidating that Luke has a reflux and that's the cause. Well, that's because she doesn't see him at night or evenings when he's miserable... His crying is so heartbreaking. We are both miserable. I spoke the sleep consultant yesterday and she said that it's not smart to start sleep training before Luke's 6 months old. I agree. To add to this, he already has enough to deal with. At night I have all these dark thoughts that drive me crazy. I just want to run away. I have an incredible hopelessness and fear that this will never end. Each day is such a dread. Luke is 16 weeks today. I wonder how he'll feel at 18 weeks. Would this problem be solved? I just want my honey to feel better.

My mom came to help yesterday and today and I felt so much better. I felt normal for at least some amount of time, while Luke was on a walk. I still feel a lot of anxiety and sadness in the evenings and at nights. Luke wakes up at nights (last night at 11PM, 3AM, 5AM, 6:45AM) and I could put him back to sleep 2 times out of four with a pacifier. But there's always an anxiety, what if it doesn't work? My breasts are hurting and I am anxious about overusing them.

Today was hard. I let my mom stay home, the weather isn't nice. Plus, she drives me nuts. Luke kept being fussy, crying, demanding. I cannot discern: is it reflux, being overtired, going through some growth. I am so tired. He bites me while breastfeeding, pulls the nipple, which makes me very anxious - with all this pain will I be able to continue to breastfeed? But if I don't, will he need a lot of milk to fall asleep? I don't want to overfeed him, he is already suffering from reflux. Luke slept a long stretch this night. After what seems a long break. I hope for the same in the future. I don't know why people promote having children.

@Preety_India I am not sure if she's a narcissist. I wouldn't go that far. But she definitely lacks some awareness of how she invalidates my feelings and struggles. On the other hand, I am just going insane handling the child alone right now. Literally insane. So a few hours of break is something I desperately need.

I wasn't diagnosed with PPD, though. Although I've never even went to my OB to report any changes since this started. I don't think I have PPD, I am just utterly exhausted. Both emotionally and physically. And looking for some light at the end at the tunnel. I know it's there, but the days are incredibly long.

I really feel like I am being tested. I am so looking forward to my normal life. Or somewhat of a normal stable life. My mother upsets me so much. I really cannot stand it. She invalidates a lot of what I am saying. She refuses to listen actively, she refuses to learn things such as how to use a smartphone, she has plenty of limiting beliefs and it frustrates me. Sometimes I wonder if having the child all to myself would be just easier in the end. I feel bad for her in so many ways and at the same time have a lot of anger and frustration when dealing with her. Some days I feel like I would be definitely better off without any family (that is brothers and mother). This has definitely never been my experience before as I was much more patient. The friends we visited yesterday have it relatively easy. They cooked some fancy food (olivie, golubtsi, blinchiki s nachinkoi) all while having no help and a child of 4 months old. How?!! I get some help from mom, she's walking the child, and while she does that I am trying to get myself to feel better.

I was horribly exhausted in the morning. But sort of napped in the morning while my husband was with Luke. Luke kept crying and I kept coming downstairs to argue with my husband of why he's doing such a poor job. Granted the baby isn't feeling so great right now. Either because of reflux, growth spurt, developmental leap, or all of the above. Who knows. Went to meet with Gagik and Stella, our friends, their child is so chill. She was just sitting in her bouncer and being mostly quiet. I am not jealous though. My child is my child and I do not compare. We were there just for an hour but I felt refreshed afterwards. Also four squares of chocolate helped too.

Today was better. I don't know why - either because I processed some of the stuff with breathwork, or just because I accepted that I gotta get through this and stop complaining. I think both. We had sex with my husband today and I actually felt good. It's been SO long since the last time that I've enjoyed it. Pregnancy and birth literally dropped my desire literally to zero. My Mom came to babysit and we went with my husband to get some chocolates from Chocolati store close by. We are going to go see a friends couple at 1PM, they also have a newborn who's 3 weeks older than Luke. I don't really want to, but I know I need to get out of my bubble. We also canceled the trip to LA, because it was madness and naivity to think we could make it. Tomorrow is New Year. We celebrate it in my culture as amongst the biggest holidays. I won't do anything tomorrow, I've got enough on my plate. May drink some cider at midnight, I need to pump milk anyway. I feel like no one understands my state: not my husband, not my mom, no one.

That's an interesting idea Mandy. Thank you for sharing your golden nuggets and thanks so much for support. I'll just add, that I don't know if it's exactly true that his crying only has to do with my stressful state. I was much more chill before the whole reflux and the sleepless nights situation unraveled. Yet he wasn't doing fine. I agree that letting go and surrendering is the right thing to do, but it's easier said than done. It's definitely easier with the second one, because you know about things and worry less. So it's easier to be chill.

Things are crazy. But they were even more crazy for the last week. We got snow in Seattle and that added an extra challenge, because my mom couldn't come help. And I was torn between ordering her an uber, having her stay at our place (this is something no one wants in fact), having her not come. Luke seems to have sleep regression because we wake up so many times at night and stay up for an hour or more sometimes. He wakes up early and then doesn't fall asleep.

What type of hormone shot you mean? Some antidepressant? No way.

I didn't sleep last night. I was so worried. I heard Luke all night fussing, kicking his legs with force from discomfort. I was in agony. It was horrible. I had this very hopeless and anxious feeling in my stomach. I feel like there's no escape and only suffering is ahead. I am dreading each day... I am looking forward to when this period of babyhood ends. When will I be able to feel fine again? Only writing this makes me cry. I cried yesterday before sleep and my husband was here hugging me. It's so incredibly difficult to have a child!

So a few HARD days have passed now. Don't know how many are ahead... I took Luke to a pediatrician yesterday to check what's going on. He has no ear infection or any other infection. The doc said though that it may be the reflux. This made complete sense to me after pondering on it. He's arching his back, coughs, chokes sometimes, is very fussy. Something's clearly bothering him. I feel so bad for him, because I realize that I so many times had no idea what's going on and would let him suffer If this proves to be true, there's really no solution to GER/GERD, but to alleviate the pain by holding the baby upright more, burping, using bottles with no air. I watched a video on youtube and it seems like some women removed reflux by just removing dairy and caffeine. I will test that again. I've tried removing dairy before, but not caffeine. I'll try to remove both for a week and see if there's any influence.

Flanging the lips to feed from the bottle seems to help. Luke is biting much less. I got medela and toco moto bottles to try. Tomorrow will try to breastfeed as much as possible, instead of using the bottles. Only morning bottles, when I am sleeping. It looks promising. I so want to just breastfeed and get rid of so much pumping all the time - it's ineffective and creates so much work. Another challenge to conquer is daytime naps. I learned last Wednesday that rocking does the trick of getting Luke to sleep. Before the only way he went to sleep was by feeding him. I don't want to depend on that. I also joined PEPS group last week and we did this Wednesday a 2-hour zoom call. However, I had to drop an hour in, because Luke was very unhappy - maybe because I wasn't paying attention to him, maybe he just needed something I did not provide. I am on a fence whether to write an email and tell the organizer we won't do it, as it's for the next 12 weeks.

Last night was horrible. I woke up at midnight to pump some milk for the next day and had another engorgement. I tried to massage the breast but it wouldn't go away fully, and I probably did it too strong, because the tissue was hurting afterwards. Oh dear. I don't think that "exclusively pumping" will work for me. Or at least not with the skills I have. Maybe I just don't have enough patience for the massage to work. When I do press in certain parts, I do see the milk come out, but I don't think this is the proper way, because it injures my breast. Arghh. I woke up Luke at 2AM to feed, because I was so worried about all that. Fed him on one side and went back to sleep. Only I couldn't sleep because of all that worry. Woke again at 5AM for another feed. Luckily Luke falls asleep easily at night. Probably the Snoo has something to do with it. I went to bed and ordered few other bottles which simulate the shape of a breast. Will see if they actually make a difference. But why hasn't anyone brought this to my attention? I am actually very surprised, annoyed and mad at my LC who never brought up the paced bottle feeding, latching up to the end of the bottle, silverettes. A lot of them haven't even heard of it. Doh. I am surprised how did Luke hold up and did not have the nipple confusion up until now?!! My mom is also very annoying. I tried to think about from a perspective and I think the reason I get so upset is because she's my mom and she's supposed to be the one who understands me. But she isn't able. Just not able. I got to accept this truth, that I should not expect much. Nothing. At least not understanding, and just ignore all her suggestions and ideas. So annoying.

Another tough day. I am still tired from the booster shot and missed day of sleep. Luke wouldn't take day naps and appears very unhappy. Cries a lo, sometimes histerically and wouldn't fall asleep. I am content with breastfeeding just at nights now, but I feel like the baby also wants the breast sometimes for comfort. I wish all of it would be more predictable. It's the uncertainty and fears and worry that make my life miserable. I know logically that this too shall pass but at this moment this doesn't help.

Me and my husband got booster shots yesterday and oh dear did it knock us out. We couldn't sleep almost the entire night and felt awful: fever, chills, join and muscle pain. Ibuprofen and tylenol the entire day to relieve all that. If I'd be working I'd take sick leave, but with the baby there's no such thing. Today was another hard day, sometimes it feels like I am going insane, especially when the baby wouldn't fall asleep. I also pulled a muscle while foam rolling and it added pain on top of everything. And I got engorgement last night too: doh, everything at the same time. I feel like this will never end: all this struggle and insanity. Luke is three months today. Three more months to go for breastfeeding. At least.

Interesting. I'll see if it every comes to me. I do know it would be way easier the second time around, because I was/am a complete noobie in this regard. I look back and realize how silly and naive I was for not taking classes, reading enough, watching enough about this. But sometimes you watch and hear, but don't listen. I am not thinking about baby number two right now. It's just that at the most dire moments it makes me wonder how did others get through this. Oh interesting. I don't think mine will be a small kid, cause he's growing in length like crazy, not in weight though. His father is VERY tall, while I am shorter than average. Ours is spitting up too, but I hear most of the babies do. I cut out dairy for a few days earlier and I have seen not enough evidence to say that it's causing it. Oh thank you for advice! I love it. I do SO hope that it gets that much easier!!

@mememe Thank you for taking the time to write and the recommendations. A lot of the products I use are natural and have been recommended by lactation consultants. So I don't think there's much to improve on this. In terms of day with the baby in bed, we anyway spent most of the day together, no interference with anyone. And we do have skin to skin contact, maybe not 100% of it. I can try to increase the contact though, maybe it'll help. I think the root issue is that the baby prefers the bottle, because he's smarter now and wants the easiest solution. And that messes up the latch. So it's a vicious cycle: my breast hurts and I try to avoid too much breastfeeding, but that means more bottle, and the bottle creates even more pain.

Interesting that you actually thought about it deeply. Meaning that you'll have to do the job mainly by yourself. I, of course, heard it but never really thought it would happen to me. Like really. How naive. Motherhood made me realize so many things and one of them is to actually listen and ponder if what people are saying is true. Perhaps it is since so many mention it. I think you have a super awesome mom. Not everyone is like that. I for sure resent certain things about my mom and judge her, more than ever now, in fact. Though she's a pretty good one! But fell short on a few things in my opinion. She's just a different person than I am, so I cannot expect the same, but it still annoys the crap out of me. I would say I have empathy generally for parents. Not for my mom so much, cause according to her everything was just wonderful. BS. She just forgot all about it. So did you decide not to have kids in the end? PS we resolved quite a lot of the issues with my husband by now. I do not resent him and actually value how he's helping now. But it took lots of work and arguments to get where we are.

Today was another hard day. There's so much uncertainty around so many things. I don't know if I am producing enough milk, I don't know if the baby's getting enough. I don't know if I am not providing him enough comfort throughout the day. I also feel like it's hopeless at times. It's the depression talking. When he cries it breaks my heart. I realize that I've put myself into such a vulnerable spot: how can I now live peacefully? I feel so much heartache when he's not happy and cries. Perhaps it's also because I am not feeling great myself: I did not get enough sleep, I feel tired, confused, desperate, sad. My baby is so vulnerable too and he depends fully on me. When I looked at him today all I could do was cry. I feel so bad for him when he's not happy...

@mandyjw thank you! I always wonder how did people decide to have a second one after having such a rough journey with the first? I don't think breastfeeding will get easier for me, unfortunately... It's still very painful and there's constant worry about losing milk supply. It's a mess and I am totally looking forward to when the baby won't depend on milk so much. Right now I feel a LOT of pressure because of it. Plus, our baby is a little underweight.

@Zigzag Idiot I had no idea it would be like that. Thank you very much for all supportive words. I appreciate it. I've been sleep deprived at some point but not for such long periods of time. I am pretty sure I have baby blues, because things are so uncertain, everything's scary, there's a newborn you are responsible for and you have no idea of how to do anything. It's a mess. And I don't understand how we are not given all the education beforehand. I took it too lightly, certainly.

Something's not right. The baby is fussier than usual and cries quite a lot. He's not himself. He also pretty much refuses to breastfeed. This is so hard... I feel bad for him and for myself. I wonder if it's thrush (I cannot see anything in the mouth) or something else. My strategy is to keep pumping as much as I can and go on walks so he could sleep.

I realize how much I have just accepted as true a lot of beliefs from my mom. Well, a good lesson for me remember in the future, also as a parent! In Russian there's a saying: trust but check (meaning the validity). Well, this came up now when I just assumed that everything my mother was saying about parenting, breastfeeding, babies was right. Wrong! It made me fear things needlessly. For example, the fact that breastfeeding will make your teeth go bad. Wrong! That we are just not meant in family to have high milk supply. Wrong! That parenting is wonderful and a piece of cake. Wrong! There are so many others. It makes me upset and angry with her! She believes these wholeheartedly but she's hurt me by brainwashing me with them. Well, gotta learn: trust but check!