ElenaO

I am feeling so overly confident now, so that I am just wasting my time now while my mom is on a walk with Luke. Now that I got Luke to sleep (twice!) with my method it feels like everything's solved. Which is wrong, I bet. I should go nap, do yoga, meditate, instead I am sitting here at my computer and eating chocolate. I bet the evening won't be as fun. But I'll switch things up - feeding Luke only after naps. No more fussy-time feeding: no-no-no!

The doubting of whether pepcid works/not working, whether it's adding more troubles rather than help us, makes my head spin. I slept poorly. Worse than Luke. He actually slept pretty well last night, I think. Last night he was very very fussy and I couldn't breastfeed him, because he would just pull my breasts. I stop this behavior immediately, because I know of the consequences. The only good time to feed him is after a nap, and even then it's not a full proof solution that he'll be patient. I know, I messed him up myself with the bottles. But who knew? And I need/needed rest and Luke would be crying, so the bottle was the only solution to console him back then when my husband was with him. Plus, the whole breastfeeding situation was horrible in the beginning. Now it's better, except for the fact that now Luke is smarter and doesn't want to wait for let down. One big win today (and I hope it sticks!!!) is getting Luke asleep indoors. OMG. It feels like such a relief. I don't know if this would work in the future, but it worked twice today. I use the exercise ball (bought the right size one for myself, because using husband's made it so much harder) and a pacifier. No bottles, no milk!! YESSS! I bounce on the bottle and hold the pacifier in Luke's mouth. Bouncing for about 5 minutes gets him asleep. Granted, he shouldn't be overtired when this happens, so I tried to do it 1h after he woke up from the last nap. He naps for 25-30 minutes.

@mememe The chamomile probably wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't do it without the pediatric approval. I am too afraid of messing something up. I know certain herbs are a no-no during pregnancy and lactation (ofc not chamomile). Thank you for those suggestions, it's something I know about already. I've read probably all of the internet on the topic Which I bet actually adds to my anxiety, so I decided I won't look into it anymore.

To me it looks like pepcid is making Luke feel worse rather than better. He's more agitated than usual. He cried more yesterday evening and slept less than ever since this all started. He's scratched his head all over with his nails. It looks horrible. I've never seen this before. He's scratched himself before but not as much. He's clearly agitated more. We will be speaking to my husband's brother over zoom today. I was trying to get out of it this morning, but my husband got upset. I mean I have enough to deal with. I am feeling better when my mom's out with Luke, walking him. Am I just freaking out? Is it PPD/PPA? Chocolate definitely makes me feel better though, but it's a double edged sword - it may also affect Luke. At least the chocolate I eat doesn't have soy or dairy, so those are ruled out. My mother is moving closer to us tomorrow. This will be a relief I hope. She won't have to travel so much. But it terrifies me that I depend so much on her - what if anything happens and she cannot come help??? OMG!

@mememe It's the carrier, haven't tried the sling. But I bet Luke won't like the sling even more, because even in the carrier he feels like he's trapped and is trying to get out. He also hits his head against me all the time, because he's fussy. Thank you for suggestions on the herbs. I am worried I would do something wrong there, so I'll hold on with that. I don't know if this is normal. I compare to what I see in other mothers. Their babies are chill, at least it seems to me. Obviously I am a first time mom and have no clue about babies, but to me it looks like they have it easier.

All I can do right now is cry. I feel so bad. Meds aren't working (yet?). My baby isn't feeling great, I am not feeling great, it's dark and I don't know for how long will this last. I know it can be worse than that, for example, getting covid on top of all of this, but I am still miserable. Luke wouldn't fall asleep for nap today and drank all of his pumped milk within the first half which usually lasts for the entire day. I took him on a walk in the morning and he slept for 30 minutes, then my mom took him and he slept for another 45. This isn't enough for him. He's very fussy, perhaps, because he sleeps so badly at night. I held him this night from 4AM until 8AM. He woke up at 9PM but I could get him back to sleep, then at 1:30AM when I fed him and let him fall asleep on me. We were back to our own beds by 3AM I think, but then he woke up again crying at 4AM. I am exhausted and feel down. I want some little improvement. I also argued with my mom, she doesn't try to remember what I am telling her (how to use things) and she thinks she doesn't need to listen to me. It's so frustrating. I spoke to a therapist over the phone for 10 minutes. I doubt she had to deal with the same issues as I did, since she didn't sound too empathetic. She's like yeah: it can be hard with lack of sleep and small children. No shit it can be hard! It IS f*king very hard. I just pray for pepcid to kick in.

We do take a bath before sleeping. However, I think it makes him more tense rather. Maybe I need to experiment with other things in terms of bathing. I do just a little massage for his belly. He hates the carrier. I tried multiple times and gave up. I also want to be sure his head is supported well enough, even though I'd think he's ready. He have been having much much less fun times. Mainly because of the hell that broke a few weeks ago with the reflux. Thank you! I am still such a rookie... Poor baby, he has to deal with a mom who has no clue. I feel like I may be messing this child up. And it's a scary feeling...

I tried sleeping with Luke in the same bed, because he kept waking up the entire night. I think I won't do it anymore, or at least not for this long. It's dangerous. Plus, it's not like I am getting so much sleep from it. I'll still use this strategy in the mornings when he wakes up at 5AM and stay with him until 8AM if he can sleep in my arms.

Last and the previous nights were just horrible. Luke would wake up so often, I would try to soothe him with the pacifier. I felt so much desperation, like nothing's working. I feel worst in the evenings and at nights. I wonder how much of it has to do with darkness and hormones. They say pepcid can take weeks to start working. My mom keeps invalidating that Luke has a reflux and that's the cause. Well, that's because she doesn't see him at night or evenings when he's miserable... His crying is so heartbreaking. We are both miserable. I spoke the sleep consultant yesterday and she said that it's not smart to start sleep training before Luke's 6 months old. I agree. To add to this, he already has enough to deal with. At night I have all these dark thoughts that drive me crazy. I just want to run away. I have an incredible hopelessness and fear that this will never end. Each day is such a dread. Luke is 16 weeks today. I wonder how he'll feel at 18 weeks. Would this problem be solved? I just want my honey to feel better.

My mom came to help yesterday and today and I felt so much better. I felt normal for at least some amount of time, while Luke was on a walk. I still feel a lot of anxiety and sadness in the evenings and at nights. Luke wakes up at nights (last night at 11PM, 3AM, 5AM, 6:45AM) and I could put him back to sleep 2 times out of four with a pacifier. But there's always an anxiety, what if it doesn't work? My breasts are hurting and I am anxious about overusing them.

Today was hard. I let my mom stay home, the weather isn't nice. Plus, she drives me nuts. Luke kept being fussy, crying, demanding. I cannot discern: is it reflux, being overtired, going through some growth. I am so tired. He bites me while breastfeeding, pulls the nipple, which makes me very anxious - with all this pain will I be able to continue to breastfeed? But if I don't, will he need a lot of milk to fall asleep? I don't want to overfeed him, he is already suffering from reflux. Luke slept a long stretch this night. After what seems a long break. I hope for the same in the future. I don't know why people promote having children.

@Preety_India I am not sure if she's a narcissist. I wouldn't go that far. But she definitely lacks some awareness of how she invalidates my feelings and struggles. On the other hand, I am just going insane handling the child alone right now. Literally insane. So a few hours of break is something I desperately need.

I wasn't diagnosed with PPD, though. Although I've never even went to my OB to report any changes since this started. I don't think I have PPD, I am just utterly exhausted. Both emotionally and physically. And looking for some light at the end at the tunnel. I know it's there, but the days are incredibly long.

I really feel like I am being tested. I am so looking forward to my normal life. Or somewhat of a normal stable life. My mother upsets me so much. I really cannot stand it. She invalidates a lot of what I am saying. She refuses to listen actively, she refuses to learn things such as how to use a smartphone, she has plenty of limiting beliefs and it frustrates me. Sometimes I wonder if having the child all to myself would be just easier in the end. I feel bad for her in so many ways and at the same time have a lot of anger and frustration when dealing with her. Some days I feel like I would be definitely better off without any family (that is brothers and mother). This has definitely never been my experience before as I was much more patient. The friends we visited yesterday have it relatively easy. They cooked some fancy food (olivie, golubtsi, blinchiki s nachinkoi) all while having no help and a child of 4 months old. How?!! I get some help from mom, she's walking the child, and while she does that I am trying to get myself to feel better.

I was horribly exhausted in the morning. But sort of napped in the morning while my husband was with Luke. Luke kept crying and I kept coming downstairs to argue with my husband of why he's doing such a poor job. Granted the baby isn't feeling so great right now. Either because of reflux, growth spurt, developmental leap, or all of the above. Who knows. Went to meet with Gagik and Stella, our friends, their child is so chill. She was just sitting in her bouncer and being mostly quiet. I am not jealous though. My child is my child and I do not compare. We were there just for an hour but I felt refreshed afterwards. Also four squares of chocolate helped too.

Today was better. I don't know why - either because I processed some of the stuff with breathwork, or just because I accepted that I gotta get through this and stop complaining. I think both. We had sex with my husband today and I actually felt good. It's been SO long since the last time that I've enjoyed it. Pregnancy and birth literally dropped my desire literally to zero. My Mom came to babysit and we went with my husband to get some chocolates from Chocolati store close by. We are going to go see a friends couple at 1PM, they also have a newborn who's 3 weeks older than Luke. I don't really want to, but I know I need to get out of my bubble. We also canceled the trip to LA, because it was madness and naivity to think we could make it. Tomorrow is New Year. We celebrate it in my culture as amongst the biggest holidays. I won't do anything tomorrow, I've got enough on my plate. May drink some cider at midnight, I need to pump milk anyway. I feel like no one understands my state: not my husband, not my mom, no one.

That's an interesting idea Mandy. Thank you for sharing your golden nuggets and thanks so much for support. I'll just add, that I don't know if it's exactly true that his crying only has to do with my stressful state. I was much more chill before the whole reflux and the sleepless nights situation unraveled. Yet he wasn't doing fine. I agree that letting go and surrendering is the right thing to do, but it's easier said than done. It's definitely easier with the second one, because you know about things and worry less. So it's easier to be chill.

Things are crazy. But they were even more crazy for the last week. We got snow in Seattle and that added an extra challenge, because my mom couldn't come help. And I was torn between ordering her an uber, having her stay at our place (this is something no one wants in fact), having her not come. Luke seems to have sleep regression because we wake up so many times at night and stay up for an hour or more sometimes. He wakes up early and then doesn't fall asleep.

What type of hormone shot you mean? Some antidepressant? No way.

I didn't sleep last night. I was so worried. I heard Luke all night fussing, kicking his legs with force from discomfort. I was in agony. It was horrible. I had this very hopeless and anxious feeling in my stomach. I feel like there's no escape and only suffering is ahead. I am dreading each day... I am looking forward to when this period of babyhood ends. When will I be able to feel fine again? Only writing this makes me cry. I cried yesterday before sleep and my husband was here hugging me. It's so incredibly difficult to have a child!

So a few HARD days have passed now. Don't know how many are ahead... I took Luke to a pediatrician yesterday to check what's going on. He has no ear infection or any other infection. The doc said though that it may be the reflux. This made complete sense to me after pondering on it. He's arching his back, coughs, chokes sometimes, is very fussy. Something's clearly bothering him. I feel so bad for him, because I realize that I so many times had no idea what's going on and would let him suffer If this proves to be true, there's really no solution to GER/GERD, but to alleviate the pain by holding the baby upright more, burping, using bottles with no air. I watched a video on youtube and it seems like some women removed reflux by just removing dairy and caffeine. I will test that again. I've tried removing dairy before, but not caffeine. I'll try to remove both for a week and see if there's any influence.

Flanging the lips to feed from the bottle seems to help. Luke is biting much less. I got medela and toco moto bottles to try. Tomorrow will try to breastfeed as much as possible, instead of using the bottles. Only morning bottles, when I am sleeping. It looks promising. I so want to just breastfeed and get rid of so much pumping all the time - it's ineffective and creates so much work. Another challenge to conquer is daytime naps. I learned last Wednesday that rocking does the trick of getting Luke to sleep. Before the only way he went to sleep was by feeding him. I don't want to depend on that. I also joined PEPS group last week and we did this Wednesday a 2-hour zoom call. However, I had to drop an hour in, because Luke was very unhappy - maybe because I wasn't paying attention to him, maybe he just needed something I did not provide. I am on a fence whether to write an email and tell the organizer we won't do it, as it's for the next 12 weeks.

Last night was horrible. I woke up at midnight to pump some milk for the next day and had another engorgement. I tried to massage the breast but it wouldn't go away fully, and I probably did it too strong, because the tissue was hurting afterwards. Oh dear. I don't think that "exclusively pumping" will work for me. Or at least not with the skills I have. Maybe I just don't have enough patience for the massage to work. When I do press in certain parts, I do see the milk come out, but I don't think this is the proper way, because it injures my breast. Arghh. I woke up Luke at 2AM to feed, because I was so worried about all that. Fed him on one side and went back to sleep. Only I couldn't sleep because of all that worry. Woke again at 5AM for another feed. Luckily Luke falls asleep easily at night. Probably the Snoo has something to do with it. I went to bed and ordered few other bottles which simulate the shape of a breast. Will see if they actually make a difference. But why hasn't anyone brought this to my attention? I am actually very surprised, annoyed and mad at my LC who never brought up the paced bottle feeding, latching up to the end of the bottle, silverettes. A lot of them haven't even heard of it. Doh. I am surprised how did Luke hold up and did not have the nipple confusion up until now?!! My mom is also very annoying. I tried to think about from a perspective and I think the reason I get so upset is because she's my mom and she's supposed to be the one who understands me. But she isn't able. Just not able. I got to accept this truth, that I should not expect much. Nothing. At least not understanding, and just ignore all her suggestions and ideas. So annoying.

Another tough day. I am still tired from the booster shot and missed day of sleep. Luke wouldn't take day naps and appears very unhappy. Cries a lo, sometimes histerically and wouldn't fall asleep. I am content with breastfeeding just at nights now, but I feel like the baby also wants the breast sometimes for comfort. I wish all of it would be more predictable. It's the uncertainty and fears and worry that make my life miserable. I know logically that this too shall pass but at this moment this doesn't help.

Me and my husband got booster shots yesterday and oh dear did it knock us out. We couldn't sleep almost the entire night and felt awful: fever, chills, join and muscle pain. Ibuprofen and tylenol the entire day to relieve all that. If I'd be working I'd take sick leave, but with the baby there's no such thing. Today was another hard day, sometimes it feels like I am going insane, especially when the baby wouldn't fall asleep. I also pulled a muscle while foam rolling and it added pain on top of everything. And I got engorgement last night too: doh, everything at the same time. I feel like this will never end: all this struggle and insanity. Luke is three months today. Three more months to go for breastfeeding. At least.