ElenaO

We drove to Lynnwood today with Carl for shopping. Took Luke with us. He was feeling so well until he didn't. I think it probably overwhelmed him, plus he was getting ready for bed. At the end it was a total meltdown, and on the drive back he was screaming like someone was cutting him alive! Carl got frustrated, he isn't used and is super annoyed by it. I am used to this. I just felt bad for Luke. In the end I put my pinkie into Luke's mouth instead of a pacifier, which we didn't take and he fell asleep. When we got home I stayed in the car with Luke for him to finish his nap. It was raining and it very cozy. I got 3 pair of shoes!! They are nice. It's not like I care that much, but still. I haven't had new things for a while. Plus it was nice to drive north after such a long period of no driving anywhere far.

I hate it that Luke has to scream to fall asleep. It's so intense! I feel so bad for him He used to not cry at a point almost at all. Now we are back to what we had earlier. I thought we wouldn't have to deal with this again... But no.

Luke is crying much more again at nights. He woke up today at 2:46AM and couldn't fall asleep and screamed intensely. I do realize I forgot how it is. I am definitely not comfortable with it. I went in to check on him and did a mistake by picking him up. It's not fair towards him to confuse him. He didn't fall asleep until 4AM. Woke up again at 5AM and then I went in to nurse him and stayed with him until 6:30AM in the morning. I hate that I am "cheating" with the whole program. He should be falling asleep on his own but I hate hearing him scream like that. I need to work on a plan how to wean him off one feeding too. I scheduled an appointment with the sleep consultant on that. For now I will just continue feeding not before 1AM and then second time around 4-6AM. I need to have reasons why I am doing it: - his diaper will be wet if I do it too early - I am confusing him and staying inconsistent, so more crying in the future - he isn't getting enough sleep because he's expecting me to come over I also want to discuss how to reduce the early morning wakings.

I will be inviting Gagik and Stella on 13th over to sort of celebrate Luke's birthday, even though it's earlier than it should be. But I am trying to stay flexible, they are leaving to Armenia soon. I don't want anyone picking up Luke. And I want to enforce that once they come over. I also want to have the party outdoors due to infections, covid. It's just safer and would give me a piece of mind.

Tomorrow Luke will try carrot for the first time. We take these things for granted, but there is one day only in our lifetime when we try things for the first time in our lives. I feel like I need to document this day for Luke. He tried banana first time a week ago or so. He is becoming very funny, because of his curiosity. He's looking at the lights, pictures and other objects with such wonder. It's funny! Then it's so SWEET when he smiles to me. It's such an honest and sweet smile it makes me filled with warmth. All I know that I'm finally starting to feel those lovely mommy feelings I've missed for so many months. I literally had none of this up until now.

I've been exhausted recently. One because of the illness, two because of just not getting enough sleep. I go to bed by 7:30pm and do two feedings a night, sometimes I pump too. But it's almost 12 hours that I spent laying somewhere, either with Luke in bed feeding him or in my own bed. The problem is the anxiety and worry over Luke's sleep: is he asleep now, did he call me already, when will he wake up? I also resist doing things I should be doing because I am so exhausted. I just let myself slack off because I know I am tired. I don't know if it was the right decision to delay work. Probably yes. How would I deal with so many things at the same time?

Thank you ? It wasn't beautiful until things improved. I have to say it was the hardest thing ever. Looking back I think it's mostly due to depression that I've had. And partly because of inexperience, insecurity, and just overall challenges of being a mom.

Today is the last meeting for PEPS. It was fun. I had Luke in the video today while he was eating his oatmeal mixed with breastmilk. He even started babbling something while I was talking. We discussed with Carl about Luke siblings. Maybe...

The routine makes days run much quicker. And so does early bedtime. I've been putting Luke down at 6pm because he has catnaps pretty much all the time. I go to sleep by 8pm myself. Which is unheard of. But this is how motherhood changed me. Luke is less fussy than he used to be and I wonder if he's just getting enough sleep (or more than he used to) or is it because he's outgrowing it. Either way I am very happy about it. He's also a little more independent now, plays with toys on his own for a few minutes while I could do 5-10 min yoga here and there. I've been sick and exhausted for 5 days now. It's so annoying to get sick all the time. It's the third time since the beginning of February I am seeing a dentist today. My husband messed up and I didn't get a dental insurance this year but I fortunately got one from my workplace, though late. Hopefully they'll reimburse the money for my fillings.

I started to write again to my livejournal blog. Wrote 2 posts: one about having a baby, another one asking others' opinion of whether I should post Luke's photos in LJ. Got quite a lot of comments. I wish I could just stay home and work on my blog. It feels good to write.

I am debating whether to return to work. I don't want to. I know it's going to be so stressful. I talked to Laurent from work, he's been asking when do I return. I also want to enjoy a little bit of the motherhood. And I think it's coming it's just not there yet. Yesterday felt again like someone's torturing me. I felt like I am in a madhouse because of all these baby night wakings and horrible sleep.

I got a free crib yesterday from a gay couple that lives in Northgate. I follow these Buy Nothing groups on FB and asked for a crib. It's a gulliver white Ikea crib which is in great shape. I ordered the mattress, sheets and a cover on Amazon. We should have it all on Thursday. Luke is so big now (not in weight, unfortunately, but in height) that Snoo is just too outgrown. I sometimes worry he will fall out of it. His legs can go above the borders. Our days started to go faster than before. I am so glad about it. I am glad that the time passes fast, because I still pretty much don't enjoy a lot of it. Much more than before. For example, today is definitely better because Luke's in a better mood. He ate pretty well his solids in the morning and we had a quiet good morning. That is more of an exception rather than a rule, though Usually it's me surviving the fussiness and trying to keep Luke happy. I wish we'd have more of these mornings.

Today is a better day. We keep bouncing up and back with the sleep. I mean it's never great, but it's something better and sometimes worse. I keep waking up 1-1.5 hours. And it takes some effort to fall back asleep. Partly it's because of being worried that Luke is awake: is he crying? is he restless? Partly just because of habit. Luke has early bedtime because of his very short naps. Yesterday and today they are 27-35 minutes only. I need to work on increasing the right wake windows. I was reading files yesterday on naps and it gave me ideas on where I should tweak once I see a pattern. Luke is 5 months and 6 days. I am looking forward to when he's going to be six: first, because we can use the carrier facing forward, second because he can start eating more solids. Luke tried banana on 20th of February for the first time in his life. He's been eating oatmeal mixed with breastmilk for a while now. Probably a month now. He's also tried pumpkin, pear, a little bit of broccoli and broth from the soup that my mom brings me daily. Today is 2/22/2022. Crazy! I want to go get a haircut, but it's so hard to plan it because Luke's wake windows are so short. They are only 2-2.25 hours and I need to put him down 5-10 minutes before. Plus, I need to breastfeed once he's awake. I am looking forward to when his wake windows will lengthen and there's more to do.

I guess I just accept how things are. They are far from perfect. However, they are better I feel than a month ago. Luke turned 5 months yesterday. I am looking forward to his 6 months birthday even more! It's a huge milestone. I don't want to return to work. It's going to be a complete mess: having Luke and having work. Each one requires full commitment. My mom also doesn't feel like she can take all the responsibility for Luke while I would be working. At least it feels this way.

We all need sleep. Me and my baby especially. I don't know what has started this vicious cycle of overtiredness. Is it a cold? Is it reflux that is coming back? Regardless, the baby doesn't get restful sleep at nights. It's painful to see how he rolls and wakes up all the time. Today he had false start, woke up 40 minutes after I put him to bed. He's also been very fussy throughout the day. Even mom was surprised. She usually sees him at his best, but now she finally understood how things are. I told her about all the challenges and she wouldn't understand. It upsets me too. I cannot tell her much, she's just going to argue, but not accept. I went to do my dental clinic and found out that apparently my husband didn't enroll me for dental. Doh. So now I am out of dental insurance and I have no idea how I'm going to get any fillings done. The cleaning will cost over 400 dollars. Just mad.

I started blogging again. I used to blog about travel and life. Now the focus will be on motherhood. It felt good to write. If I quit my job after all, this is what I'd like to focus on besides raising my son. I wonder what would marketing of the blog look like: perhaps just commenting on other people's pages, suggesting my posts, and just writing lots of content.

Today on the evening walk right after I put Luke to bed, I was thinking of what would it be like in one year: Luke would be sitting at the table by that point, we'd all have dinner together. And will be remembering the Valentine's for 2022. Oh, life will be hopefully much easier by then. And I would be working. Luke will walk by then and we will have much more fun by just taking short strolls. I wish I wouldn't have to work for anyone at all. I'd just get to know lots of moms. And our neighbors. I'd also want to do some sort of social media/journaling for money. And that means learning how to market it too.

Today's Valentine's day so Carl made a very sweet present - he made some very cute chocolate pieces (so so good!) in form of hearts with walnuts and blueberries. And a huge rose bouquet. So sweet of him. We went to mainstay provisions restaurant in Ballard. The food was good. Or maybe I'm just not picky because I usually eat super simple stuff: boiled veggies and some air fried meat. Plus of course chocolate. I get my daily dose almost no exceptions. I got some curry chicken salad (subbed salad for bread). Carl got corned beef salad. Both were great. Also had tea and chocolate bar.

We are still having LOTS of night wakings. Luke is waking up almost every hour and cries. Fortunately he settles back, but I cannot fall asleep easily after that. It's also disturbing - the crying sounds so sad. Yet I slept a little better this night than the previous one - my body decided to take over and just sleep. I went to feed Luke at 2am and 4am. Both times I just fell asleep while holding him, so we slept in bed for an hour each time. Crazy! That never happens to me usually, I only remember having this at the 4 months regression when we sort of co-slept part of the night. The second time, and even the first time, Luke wasn't so hungry, really. He just wanted help to go back to sleep, I think. I was worried he's sick, as I couldn't explain all these wakings any other way. So I looked up at night if I could take him somewhere to be seen. But it was too late. Seattle's children hospital's urgent care is open only until 10:30pm, and it was 10:50 when I started thinking about it. But I booked us an appointment with a ped first thing in the morning. So by 10 we saw a doc and she checked everything. No infection visible, but slightly elevated temperature at 99F. Maybe he's having a cold I am having?

Generally I'd say the day was amongst the worst in terms of amount of sleep. Luke woke up so many times last night. I did two feedings instead of one and I am thinking of just doing it from now on. This boy needs food. I slept so badly. I was worried that Luke is sick too. He was so restless the entire night, kept waking up. I understand it's from being overtired. But what do I know? I lied down when Luke was taking his last nap. That helped. The day was somewhat unpleasant in other regards too: Carl and I kept arguing. He took the monitor away saying that I am obsessed. But I need it. I need to see how our boy is doing. The positives: I learned how to use nose frida, it's not hard actually. I went in the evening and got my nails on my feet done. Although didn't like the place. They did a very quick and dirty job. I usually get much better service. I didn't tip.

Today we had super short naps so had to do early bedtime. Luke was asleep by 5:15pm. Insane. It's still light here at this time. I'll try to have a longer window tomorrow morning for his first nap if he wakes up at 7. Otherwise, have it 8:30 as before.

We are back to square one. Still not clear on what am I doing wrong with the sleep. It's clear though that I pushed Luke too much and this little boy is overtired...

Back then I also took such long naps on wakeup. It was insane. I would sometimes stay in bed until 2PM! The nights were horrible. Nowadays, I take no naps at all. Life has improved no matter how hard are times otherwise. Luke won't have any siblings. I don't want to go through this again. I value my life too much.

Today I was remembering what it is like to have a newborn. A wave of gratitude washed over me because I realized how much better it is now than then. I used to have hurtful nipples, constant worry of not being able to breastfeed. Now I have virtually no pain with my nipples. The bottles are evil. They make the child accustomed to fast flow and then the child expects it from the breast. I am so glad I moved to exclusively breastfeeding - this is how it should be and it feels right. I still pump at night now, but just once within 24 h. I am considering power pumping tonight though.

After a couple of days of sleep debt Luke finally decided he wants his sleep back. I guess there's a balance they try to follow - if underslept for a few days, they'll try to recuperate. Today Luke woke up around 6AM and went. First nap was almost 2 h and the second one also almost 2 h. That's unheard of. Our usual naps are 1-1.25 h in the mornings (which is wonderful already), the second nap is usually short though. The third is also short, so we do an early bedtime around 5-6pm. Today perhaps will have a later bedtime.