ElenaO

That's very encouraging too. That's so lucky of you guys to have this precious relationship.

Thank you, you are so encouraging. Honestly I do not know if I am a great mom. I do definitely think that some women must enjoy it more than me, so it comes easier to them and it's also just better parenting, because they enjoy it more. But who knows, it's all my guesses. But thank you for your kind words! Oh yes - I know the dilemma of having children or living your life for yourself. I had to ponder on it myself. Each one is a worthwhile path. However, I have to say that I did grow quite a lot from having a child, not sure if I had have I not had my son.

So I am dog tired on a daily basis. And sleepy. Most of the day I feel like I want to go crush in bed. And I do spend quite some time in bed. And I have even no energy to read even though I really want. Most of the time I just close my eyes and lie down. I'm also irritable because of tiredness. But I really really hope the fate will spare me of nausea this time around. It isn't fun to be fatigured but nausea is 10X times worse. Seriously. I really hope I don't have to go through this. Luke has been irritable for the last week, it may be teething? It's hard when you cannot ask him what exactly is going on.

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

Guess what. I am pregnant again. And constantly worried I'll have another miscarriage too... I found out on March 22nd. Exactly 3 months ago I found I am pregnant too. But that time I lost the baby. I think I wrote about it above. Luke is super super cute. He's truly an angel. He gives us air kisses if you kiss him sometimes, or he just does it on his own sometimes. Sometimes I am too caught up in myself and I forget he's a person on his own. I just want him to do what I need/want. I also get angry and irritated at times, when tired and now probably because of pregnancy. He has stranger suspicion at parks and other places. I do not push him in any way. Let him figure it out on his own. I'll provide the environment but I won't do anything to push him. We decided with Carl that I'll start speaking mostly English to Luke, because now Luke mostly says words in Russian (or part of the words, for the most part). So he says he's missing out and doesn't get any of it. Well, it makes it easier for me.

Luke has turned 1.5 3 days ago. He also got sick on the same day so annoying, frustrating and gets me angry. He's not feeling good and behaves accordingly. I also got sick and it drives me nuts when he's crying... On the positive side he speaks some words! he said Aara yesterday! When I was pointing at the parrot picture we have in the bathroom. He's also super cute with his little dances and moves while eating and enjoying it. He also tries to tell me so many things. He loves running in front of me when we go on walks. He's so happy then.

I am thinking to start alternating days with heavier lift and lighter lift. The lighter ones will mean laying in bed and reading and writing rather than running around and fixing things. It's still cold and windy here. We may go to Portland at the end of the month. Planned for LA first, but considering the flight length and everything involved I'd rather skip it. Portland sounds a little more manageable. Maybe I am coward? I may start challenging myself in these regards. But then again I am so exhausted on daily basis that I don't know if more is always more.

Oh man, so exhausted. I am sick and also not used to spending so much time on my feet. I barely survived today's early morning shift with Luke. He went to bed for his nap at 11:20 and I crashed into bed too. I think I was doing too many things yesterday and overestimated my capabilities. Today will be a downtime day. Will do yoga now, will eat my lunch, solve some leetcode and let my Mom take Luke on a walk. Fortunately, it's sunny now. Still very cold though.

I did breathwork yesterday and had a strong release at one point. I felt like something's stuck in my chest and I released it through sobbing. It was hard to sob because my husband was downstairs and I wouldn't want him hearing it. I am sick with some sort of cold or flu, so not feeling great. Yet I slept relatively well last night because of the emotional release, probably? But I messed up my day by eating too much chocolate again (thought it wouldn't happen, but it was home made and apparently too strong for me). So I was all jittery in the evening and exhausted. I realize that when my husband cooks for me (burgers and chocolate today) I don't do so well with the food. But if I tell him that he won't like it and we have had fights for the last 2 days already Luke is super cute. And he understands much more now, so I'll attempt to teach him more on limits and discipline. He tries to flip on the carpet which is extremely cute. I guess it's something that children do when understand they can do it. It's super funny when he does the downward facing dog and looks underneath his body

We moved to one nap yesterday. Surprisingly it's going pretty well so far. Worried though that this will show its consequences in a day or two when Luke gets all too overtired. It does feel like world was turned upside down - all of our routines are changed. I feel somewhat exhausted in the mornings because I am used to have a break around 9:45am, now it's until 11:15 that we are rocking and rolling until it's time for a nap. I sleep poorly. Worrisome dreams every night, worrying about Luke also. It's somewhere in the subconscious not within my control.

Oh so tired. Mostly emotionally. I feel like any cry or disapproval from Luke bothers me a ton and causes so much guilt. All that tripping while walking - I am constantly worried that he's going to fall and hurt himself. I also really don't like the crying it makes me sad. I always apologize to Luke if there's something I am doing that we need to get done - I probably shouldn't be apologizing. It's an ocean filled with worry, guilt, and love. Today my amygdala is overly sensitive, maybe because I havent slept enough, maybe because I was anxious about moving to one nap. Either way, every day is hard work.

We may start moving to one nap with Luke starting tomorrow. I am anxious of doing it because I know it won't be easy. Even writing about it now makes me feel unease and worry. How is Luke going to take not sleeping for 5 hours straight? Will he cry and be overtired when going for his one and only nap? (I think he will be overtired there's no way around :(). My Mom's hands aren't doing better even with the steroid shot she's got. I saw her hands today and they looked scary because of the inflammation. I have no idea who's she is dealing with it. I felt sad and bad for her (which I rarely do, I guess). It feels like she's getting older and she's seriously aging and it made me feel like the end isn't far

Thank you @Gladius. It is! Thank you for your compassion. It is most definitely the most exhausting experience I've ever had, both mentally and physically. And I think it gets easier with time, but when a child is small it's most intense.

Yesterday I felt like I cannot do it anymore. So tired. My mom is also not able to take care of her own things, it frustrates me a ton. Luke was also very irritable, he was today too, but much better. He wants to bite everything if he's irritated, including me. Fortunately he hasn't bitten my breast yet but he sort of was going to, but I guess realized it's not a good idea. So today I was sitting all toughened up from being afraid of him biting my nipple. Other times he's really really cute and sweet. Especially when he does this rrrrrrrrrr sound in his own baby way while snuggling and laying on the back. A lot of times when I look at him I just want to kiss him all the time, his cheeks are so soft and he's just super cute, like really!!! And I do kiss him a lot. He's trying to saying words now, and a lot of times it's the endings or the beginnings of the word that he actually says. Some words though work pretty well, like cat he can say entirely. He also says Carl or Charl when I mention his daddy. Carl is not liking that Luke calls him by name. Yeah, it will pass.

Today was nice but at the same time tough. We went to walk to Green Lake, got two slices of Zeeks pizza, Carl got ice cream, I got a cookie and a few small chocolates. The weather is nice, it's almost spring, or so it feels. Luke has been crying and irritable for the last few days. I don't know what's happening. I am thinking if it persists I'll take him to his ped to see what's going on. It's so hard to know when children don't speak. He was crying and getting frustrated at bathtime too, not sure if it's tiredness, teething, pain somewhere, you guess it...? It makes me worried.

Today was my last day at work. People were super nice and said some words that truly made me feel good about myself. It was so nice! Now on to thinking how I'll be spending my time: preparing for future interviews, spending more quality time with Luke, practicing assertiveness while with Luke outside and other kids/parents are crossing the boundaries.

I think Luke knows when I am having fun and enjoying the time with him. If I am engaged and happy he acts like he enjoys it too. Well, it's vice versa a lot of times - we affect each other. But I think lately he's been enjoying spending time with me more and likes me more. I like to see that. Another funny fact: He has this sheet with whales on it. He *knows* (so observant!) it belongs to his bed! So he drags it to his bed every time he sees it. I changed the sheets and he has a different one right now, so he keeps bringing the one with whales back to bed. It's funny! But he really insists that it has to be in his bed! It's similar to other things that he considers that must happen a certain way: for ex. he thinks his pouch with puree should be thrown into the trash can (even if it hasn't been used fully yet), that his purees sometimes need to go inside the grocery paper bag (my Mom asks him to put it into her purse when she comes over because they'll have a puree on the walk). It's cute and funny. He also started showing his preference for drinking from the cup with the straw, which is satisfying to me

Luke sometimes is really fun and happy. For example he loves to roll on our bed. I haven't really noticed or paid attention to this before but he seems to love soft and fluffy things and rolling on them. I knew he loves his stuffed toys but apparently anything soft is preferred. He also loves to put his cute blonde small head on a pillow, or just the entire body for that matter. And just lie on it. It's so funny! We went to Kirke park today and had some fun. Luke likes sliding down the slide (a small one) and I did it with him! We did all kind of interesting stuff in the park: climbed on the stairs up to another slide (that one was too scary so we went just once), walked on the swings (yes, walked! Luke was wobbling while walking and I was holding him), we played in the sandbox (Luke was throwing the sand out of the sandbox :D), then we explored a tree. All of the while I was anxious because we needed to go home to change a poopy diaper.

We went to see our friends Gagik and Stella and their daughter Alice. It was nice. They cooked food, they are always hospitable. Luke seemed to enjoy it for the most part. He did show his stranger's suspicion in the beginning. He didn't like it when Gagik or Stella were interacting with him. He was crying in the beginning. I do not like the part that people usually have some unhealthy foods such as pastry when having guests over. I didn't eat much of it, but still you are sort of forced into it. I was also hungry (probably should eat more veggies/meat for lunch). Even though I enjoyed our time out I do think it does not promote so much what I want in life. But Carl insists that it's important for Luke to interact with kids of his age. I do not think it's true. I think he's perfectly happy if he's loved by his parents and has a good environment for growth and development. I don't believe in this whole idea of "children/people have to socialize". Especially if they are young toddlers of 16 months.

I'll get the book. Thanks for the recommendation. Parents mess up and having a child is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Hands down. The first 8 months were hellish, not a joke. Now I actually enjoy it for the most part, even though I bet a lot of mothers enjoy it even more. It's great to hear that you got such results from shadow work and regression therapy as well as primal therapy. I haven't heard of the regression or primal therapies but I'll look into it. Thanks for bringing it up.

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is.

My hCG levels are at a few hundreds, so the process is moving towards the end. I started appreciating Luke more after I lost this other baby. We just connect better now in general. I love him more, I think and enjoy to spend time more. He's into looking at the books now and it's so sweet. He sits down on my lap and we look at the board books. He shows me a picture and I comment on it. He comments something too, like "Ta-ta" (his fave and most common). He's also into exploring machines, like the coffee machine. He really persists on me getting him up to look at it and touch it and push the buttons. Same with the alarm system, and now the upper cabinets, and the changing table that we haven't been using for a while. I started brushing Luke's teeth myself. I basically force him. He does not like it and he cries quite some. But I guess he knows what's it about and after I finish he is grumpy maybe for a couple of seconds but then stops and we again enjoy each other. Carl just told me that he bought him a couple new board books. Hope Luke likes them so we can enjoy our time reading. His current favorite got torn into two and he was sad today in the evening when we couldn't look at all of the pictures (the larger part of the book was somewhere else and we had to read just 3 pages of the book).

Good luck with your goals. Dopamine is truly hard to avoid in our world of easily available pleasures. The only way to get rid off it is consciously and consistently applying some rules that stick and work. I am trying to fight with food overconsumption. And that's a relatively healthy food overconsumption. Yet, it is hard.

I got good results with Tinder. In fact I married the man. And have a child right now. Happy. Be direct and don't beat around the bush - say right away on your profile what are you looking for. Also quit any dates that aren't for you - they have different goals, you don't like them, don't waste your time.