ElenaO

Luke's growing. You can ask him questions now and he'll reply. At 22 months! Insane. I asked him the other day where he went with Dada, he said Phinney! I was amazed. Yesterday I asked what he saw at Phinney and he said bag (a bag hanging on the tree), and neighhh! (there was a toy fox or sort of horse Carl told me). Then I also asked about hot tub (his favorite nowadays). He said there are bubbles (that one I am not surprised about because he talks about it all the time). And he said fish. Carl explained that there was some sort of a whale toy in there. But that happened weeks ago! And he still remembers

Wanted to add a few cute things about Luke. He started taking toys to bed. And sometimes it ends up being like 7 toys. I have to secretly go in at nights and get them out of bed, because I think there's too much clutter in his bed otherwise. Usually he is very particular at what he wants. Tonight after offering many toys, he wasn't satisfied (this is a usual thing). I went back in into the room, because he was crying when I left. I asked him what he wants. He said: mak, then maks. I didn't get it, so I left. Then after I few minutes it hit me, MASK. There was spider man head (mask, as we call it) in the bathroom. So he wanted that. Another cute thing. Now when he wants me to pick him up to show him something where he doesn't reach, he takes things out of my hands, e.g. his cup, and puts it on the table. Then he comes to me and pulls his hands towards me, showing that he wants to be picked up. The funny part here is that he clears my hands, knowingly that they will be occupied with him He's so cute. Really.

I feel resentment again towards Carl. (I got to research on how to let go resentment, because otherwise it will just outpour into something ugly. Maybe journaling?). All he did today was taking care of himself. And I guess I understand that it's OK sometimes. But it's been like that for a while. He mostly does what he wants. I am not saying he isn't with Luke. He still does his job as a father. I am missing connection, our walks with talks. Lately we haven't done any of that. And I don't know why he doesn't want any. It makes me feel like now I need to start finding friends with whom to talk instead of talking to him. But wouldn't this create an even larger gap in our relationship. I went ahead and called my old friend Ezio today on the walk around Green Lake. It's nice to have a friend you can talk to at almost any time.

I've been to Poland. It's wonderful. And it my opinion way more affordable than a lot of other countries in Europe. I guess things just piled up. And I just generally have resentment that is lingering from a lot of things. Including things that are unrelated to my husband. Right now for example I am struggling with asserting myself at the playgrounds. It's really bugging me. I cannot sleep sometimes because I keep thinking about it. We talked about the needs a little a few days after. Of course, it's a process and we need to come back to this topic.

We had a huge fight with Carl. I feel like in some way this relationship is so shallow. We don't know each other, we don't know and don't listen to what we need and want. It feels awful right now.

Sorry! I don't check this often Nope, hotels aren't cheaper. And also there isn't much available at all. I'm not sure where you live, but what are the prices over there?

We are back from Coupeville. Went for a night. I feel like one night and one day (we are ~ 24 h away from home) is the right amount to be away from home. Even this creates enough trouble with tiredness for us: Luke's tired, because of short naps in the car, Carl and me are tired because of not sleeping well. Coupeville was nice, though. Worth visiting. We saw a lot of deer, which are walking around the place like it's the woods. We went to Ebey's Landing (impressive, the wall hanging above the Puget Sound), and today went to Fort Casey's State Park. The latter was also nice, because of the lighthouse and the views of the Puget and the mountains. You can also see the Landing from here. I think I overate on snacks in the morning, so felt unenthusiastic and guilty in the afternoon. It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well. Bellingham a month ago was easier in some regards, but harder in other. Luke cried some when going to sleep at night, but not nearly as much as in Bellingham. The nap on the way home was also longer (1.5h), so that's progress! We got a burger for lunch in Coupeville (which was rare , I didn't realize I need to tell them to cook it to well-done) and it was meant for Luke. Instead Luke mostly ate the cheese and onions, plus pickles (! surprise!). Then we had a sandwich with roastbeef and swiss (I liked it a lot and so did Luke!), and a yogurt. Luke also had purees and a banana. We stayed at an airbnb which after all the fees + taxes costed 345 dollars. (Insane, I know). But these are the prices everywhere, and even last year on our trips this wasn't any different. The airbnb was OK, 2 rooms, Luke slept in the living, me upstairs, Carl downstairs. The beds were too small for both of us to sleep in one.

Carl is back. Luke hasn't had tantrums for 2 days, which is nice! We went to Pocket Park both these 2 days and I enjoyed it actually. Especially yesterday's outing. I spoke to a mom who has a 2.5 year old. She gave me lots of interesting info and just seemed to be down to earth. (This isn't often the case with the people I meet. I think I am also sensitive to how people communicate to me, because of previous traumas?). I would have liked to have her as a friend. We haven't exchanged info but I hope I can meet her again and we could be friends. Her son though wasn't too nice. But I guess you cannot expect much from 2.5 years olds. Luke is more submissive (at least right now) when these boys start taking his space. I felt bad for him and for myself that I couldn't do anything about it. It hurt. I think it's related to the wounds I have from past experiences.

Carl left to New York today for a work trip. I'll be on my own until Friday evening. My Mom's helping though, 2.5 h-3h a day. Luke started having tantrums nearly daily. 2 nights ago he had also a hysteria when I put him to bed for the night. He couldn't fall asleep. It was horrific. He would scream when I leave (it reminds me very much of the sleep training days. Man, that was tough...). He would calm down when I come back but would restart when I leave. He clearly couldn't fall asleep, even though he tried. I felt so bad for him Even now thinking about it makes me want to cry. This lasted for about 40-50 minutes. I was stressed out, he was stressed out. Man, some days are definitely still tough. He does speak a lot more now. He knows a lot. Sometimes I am surprised how can he remember all these words. Also his speaking and pronunciation is very cute. Even him saying no is extremely cute. Because he also has a childish voice. I am fond of him so much. And I love him deeply.

Luke had a major breakdown today. I think it was a tantrum of like 20-25 minutes. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. I read months before that you just let it run its course. I think he has a sleep debt, probably from the travel and also from not sleeping enough at nights for the last few nights, as it's been hot and then it becomes too cold for him (all my guesses). After having the tantrum he finally calmed himself (all by himself!) down by lying down on the floor in the living room next to his toys, and sucked his thumb. I think he was trying to fall asleep, but not sure. I set down next to him and first didn't touch him as I was afraid it would restart the whole thing again. After a few minutes I just massaged his back. I tried to take him to his bed later but he started crying again and didn't want to stay in bed. So we went to our bedroom and he laid down on me for a few minutes. And then everything was sort of fine again. It was strange. We went downstairs to eat breakfast and then went for a short outing in our yard.

Thank you

One more cute thing. Luke started telling me his experiences while breastfeeding in the evening. It goes like this: bike, cool (school), dada (dad), buball (basketball). Meaning he biked with Dada to the school and saw basketball. It's just very very cute

We traveled to Bellingham on Friday and stayed there for a night. Left back to Seattle on Saturday late morning. It was all good except for the sleep. Especially for Luke. He didn't have his normal nap, instead he napped 30 minutes in the car (vs 2.5 hours which we usually get in the crib!). Hence, he was all wiry but still handled it pretty well. The bedtime though gave me some "gray hair". I already forgot how it was when he was screaming (literally hysterical scream) when trying to fall asleep. We don't deal with this anymore. But that night either because everything was new, or because he was overtired, he couldn't fall asleep. I stayed by his crib for an hour after putting him in. He screamed so much that he became all sweaty so I changed him into a lighter sleep sack. It all made me worried: did he get too much sun exposure, was he dehydrated (I kept giving him water while he was trying to fall asleep). At that point I felt like this trip wasn't worth it. Overall, though, the experience was very nice. Except we are all still recovering from it. I am physically tired, so is Carl, so is Luke, I believe.

Hi! I am feeling better now. This everything isn't over but it's definitely moving in the right direction. Thank you for asking.

DO NOT READ BELOW if you are triggered by death or biological related details of miscarriage. The Friday night was horrible. Because of mifopristone my nausea worsened and I barely slept at night. I also had scary images half-asleep half-awake of the baby being removed from me. I woke up and the day was just as hard as the night because of the lack of sleep. I took misoprostol around noon and the bleeding started around 2 hours later. The tissue started passing a little later after. I did scoop some of it to see what it is to try to identify the embryo, but it was all just tissue without any form whatsoever. It looked like caviar or you could say pieces of liver. It was so strange. I think most of the heavy bleeding stopped around midnight or sometime after when I was asleep. We met with Gagik and Stella today, they had Alice with them. Luke wasn't interested in playing with her at all, but that's a usual scenario. He was running and curious about the playground instead. Apparently Luke speaks way more words than Alice (at least according to her parent's words). Maybe because she's in daycare so she doesn't get individual attention and interaction with adults. Who knows.

@Something Funny Thank you for your kind words and for the sympathy. I do understand all of this logically and I agree that I am not a baby factory and that I have a right to have and do more than just produce and raise children. However, on the other side I do somewhat understand that it's me who's meant to carry a baby (men cannot do that). And I am sorry I couldn't perform on this as much as I would like. This was indeed out of my control and I didn't do anything wrong. Yet there's still a burning feeling that I failed. Because I did, maybe not consciously but I did. However, there's nothing I can do about it. I think we'll all just have to accept it and move on.

I am back from another ultrasound today which again confirmed the baby has passed away. He stopped growing at 6 weeks and actually started becoming smaller (this is so creepy I am not sure I should have written it). The reason I went for another ultrasound is because my hCG levels are very high. Just like I would have a normal pregnancy. Hence I have all the pregnancy symptoms: nausea, fatigue. I also didn't nap today because of the ultrasound appt and all I was waiting is for this day to become evening when I can relax. Honestly, I don't know how I'd be able to handle two kids when I can barely do a decent job with one child. Most importantly, I cannot say I am all over the moon about my life. Most likely it's also because of all my hormonal changes, but a lot of things right now are hard job to lift. Even doing yoga in the morning requires will power, which was not the case before. I'll be talking to my nurse tomorrow and will ask for medication to end the failed pregnancy (that's what they officially call it). I won't get the pills until the weekend though, because it takes time for order to process. It's so strange that my body doesn't realize that the baby isn't developing and doesn't give up. It's tricked to think everything's fine and it should continue the pregnancy.

I found out on Tuesday that the baby inside of me is dead... I felt sad for this human being who didn't get to live. This miscarriage is worse than the first one because I actually got to see the baby on the ultrasound. I saw him on Tuesday and the week before when he still had a heart rate. It's so sad... I actually felt less sadness last time, maybe because I was so miserable otherwise (all the pregnancy hormones made me feel anhedonic, not wanting anything, terrible nausea, irritation). We did the transvaginal and the nurse couldn't find the heart rate on Tuesday and the baby hasn't grown at all since the last time, so they decided it's conclusive. I'm still going to take an hcg test this Friday for reference for the future when the bleeding begins. The weird part (mostly for my husband) is that the baby is still inside of me. And from my calculations he has passed many days (if not weeks) ago. Somehow my body still considers that I am to nourish his life and that's why I am still feeling nauseated and very fatigued. More than that, it's strange that the baby is still inside and I have no symptoms of miscarriage whatsoever. I decided I wanted to wait for the tissue to pass on its own. I'll wait and see for a week and may change my mind at that point. I don't think we'll try again. That's what we are both inclined to do. I have many different feelings in regards to what happened. 1. I feel very sad for this baby. He or she never got to live. I also felt it's so saddening that he or she got to die alone without anyone's holding her or him. 2. I feel like I seriously failed. I mean 2 miscarriages in a row. now I feel like I need to prove my worth to my husband. 3. I don't know what will follow: should I start searching for jobs now and have Luke join a daycare? This has to be all planned, because none of this was in our future plans.

We both are sad about certain things, but I am also grateful for how things are either way. We have Luke, who's healthy, we are healthy, we are all capable and smart in our family. This is a huge gift. If you look around, there are so many people who are unfortunate due to their lack of money, capability, just misfortune, health. I am reading a story of a woman who's been handicapped since birth. Everyone treats her like some ugly unattractive human, who will not be ever be able to experience the same treatment or opportunities as an average human. This is so crazy. Just like that - you are born with a disability and you lose already from the start.

We are in a gray area in regards to pregnancy. It's unclear and will become more certain on Tuesday when I go back in for another ultrasound. The baby had a very low heart rate at the exam this week (60 bpm, super low), plus he or she was tiny. 12 days younger than I calculated. Which makes us wonder if the baby just doesn't develop... I am afraid to even write about it, fearing that writing will make it true. Of course, nothing that I do or think changes how things are. We went with Luke to the dentist yesterday and they found no cavities (great, great, great). They put some paste on his teeth and cleaned them with a toothbrush. The cleaning seemed like a regular teeth cleaning to me. She explained they are looking mostly for bleeding of the gums when doing that. He's doing well. Luke still has 4 more teeth to go until his full set is complete. He took it pretty well at the doctor (he understands much more now and you can actually explain what will happen). I talked to him before the visit multiple times saying that the doctor will look at his teeth. He seemed to understand, because he started touching his teeth.

I'm back with worries back in my head. The nurse wrote today in the morning in reference to results saying that I need to go get an ultrasound to outrule a possible abnormal pregnancy. I feel like I am living in a rollercoaster world, there are strong feelings associated with pregnancy. I did decide I won't worry until Wednesday when I'll actually know what's going on. But it's draining, all this back and forth: you have miscarriage, you don't have miscarriage... The life is repetitive too and it makes me feel crazy sometimes. In some ways that's something to be grateful for, because I know what to expect from Luke and I know exactly when and what is going to happen throughout the day. But it's also annoying in other ways, especially because I think I am not achieving what I want and I just get the bare minimum done per day. A reason for that is still my exhaustion. I also have sciatica pain (that's what my physical therapist told me today). The good news is that I don't need to be sitting down, because it's not helpful. I need to learn to use my pelvic and core muscles more while walking. Luke has been especially irritable and frustrated today, he's had multiple episodes when he would cry for super small reasons. And sometimes it's BIG feelings. Of course, it's all relative. I think we have a rather calm boy compared to some

Yesterday's blood test showed I have over 16 thousand units of hCG. Which means the value is growing, so I think we are fine. I haven't got any comments from APRN (the nurse) so don't know for sure, but I think the trend is positive. Honestly, I am sick of being worried. Luke got some sort of disease and he's had fever since yesterday. There are no other symptoms but a small rash on inner part of his elbows and thighs. If this does not resolve within tomorrow I am definitely calling the doctor. He's actually doing fine mood-wise, which is surprising considering his fever. I myself am such a wreck. My shins and calves really hurt and it makes it hard and painful to walk. I do not enjoy going on walks anymore because I cannot and because it's just too painful. So one piece of my happiness has been basically taken away. To add insult to injury, that's my way of exercise (besides yoga) and now I just cannot do it anymore... Right now all I actually want is lay in bed for hours. Which is actually do a lot when I get to, when Luke is sleeping. Carl is back from his trip to Spokane and I am looking forward to napping in the mornings.

Thank you. It seems like everything's fine after all. For now. Thank you again for being so supportive.

So it looks like my hCG aren't that low after all. I tested yesterday at the lab and they are over 10k in value. It turns out the batch from amazon of pregnancy tests were defective. How crazy. It would have saved us some gray hair and worry if they weren't. But we are also overreacting because we've been through a miscarriage already. But how are things going is yet to be seen. I am going for another test tomorrow to see the trend. To be seen... again.

OK, so I may be having another miscarriage. To be known for sure on the weekend. That's when the results for the second hCG test should come in. The nurse will compare the results from today's test and Friday's test and see if the levels are growing. Honestly, it's strange I have no nausea and my hCG levels are indeed very low! I took a pregnancy test today and the line was super-super faint. Like almost more faint then pre-period when I took the test. I am disappointed. My husband is more so. He told me he actually cried the last time I had miscarriage. He never mentioned it before until today. He hasn't cried in like tens of years. To be seen...