ElenaO

Luke's going to preschool on Monday. I'm already having nightmares about this. One the other hand, sometimes our mornings are so miserable that it's maybe for the better. Even though I'm pretty sure he won't be a fan of it. There were 2 poop accidents today and all I did (it felt like it) was cleaning the poop from the floor, toilet, etc. It still smells like poop in the bathroom, no idea why, I thought I cleaned anything I could find. Sarah, our nanny, is coming tomorrow to spend time with Luke in the morning, while Carl will be golfing with Nick, his friend. The amount we pay her is mind blowing, but again it's Carl who's paying (35 an hour).

Thanks so much, Michael! Congratulations on your marriage! Yes, you're right - no matter how much you prepare it's going to be rough! (or at least for me it was!).

Sam cried for an entire hour before falling asleep for his last nap today. Mind blowing. Luke threw up in the morning multiple times You can get gray hair no problem if things continue like this. If someone reads this, it'll make them think twice before getting kids. Man, this puts you back to your place so you don't feel like life's too easy. Carl is also mad with me - says I don't show any affection and am not being nice to him. I mean how can I be nice when all I'm doing is surviving. Sarah, our new nanny, will start coming on the weekends for 3 h in the mornings. I don't want to see or hear her, because I'll know I'll hate how she behaves and does her job.

Wow, thank you Leo! Flattered you wrote

I want to cry - this is how hard it is. Sammy was crying and fussy almost the entire day. It gets to you when it's all the time. It was also raining the whole day and I just don't feel any joy about this. I slept very poorly last night, Sam woke up so many times: at 10:40, at 2:30, at 4;00... At that point I put the fan on and stopped listening because I knew I would be a wreck. It's hard... And I'm worried he may be sick. I may take him in for a doc appt on Monday if this doesn't improve.

I'm very tired. My feet are exhausted, my arms are exhausted and my temper and patience aren't at the level they must be. Very tired. I'm both waiting and dreading Luke going to preschool in less than 2 weeks. I know it will be a major change for him, he's never been without parents, except when he's with grandma, but he's known her since newborn phase. Sammy is fussy right now, maybe because of 4 to 3 nap transition, maybe other reasons, who knows? Luke runs and kisses his legs when he's crying - so cute! He thinks that that will stop him from crying. (Haha, I may have done this before and he learned). I am trying to tweak Luke's schedule, and put him to sleep earlier in the evenings so he gets enough sleep, because his behavior is terrible at times. He bites, screams, cries often, throws things and kicks. This comes in bursts. He's also afraid to be left alone now, which is a completely new development. I mean he used to be in the backyard all by himself just a few weeks ago. This is not a thing anymore.

It's funny how Luke makes up stories. A lot of times it's something that his dad did, and he tells me the story as if he did this: I went to fred meyer and bought the tweety backpack (we actually found it on the street) for one dollar. 'Mom, you have to buy the chair pillows, because grandma rose is coming in an hour home'. Also asks me to buy things as well. Today he said, you need to buy не настоящий grass (not real grass), and I'll remove the one we have in the backyard and put this one. Sam's sticking his tongue, rolls to one side (not both though yet, has rolled from his tummy once to his back so far). Holds his head very well for a long time now. Also is completely sleep trained (amazing!) and was already sleeping on his own by 11 weeks old (yeah, sleep people out there saying that your baby has to be 4 - 5 or 6 months old to do that, doh, you're wrong!). I think we need to start transitioning to 3 naps though, because sleep at night hasn't been great (2-3 wakeups). Sam used to give me even 7-8 h stretches, but not anymore. We're shortening Luke's nap too.

wow, it's been a while. So many things have happened. Sam came to this world on April 5th 2024! I've had complications after delivery and stayed in the hospital for entire 3 days - and what is with a 2.5 year old at home and a newborn a few days old! Carl took this all on him, my mom came to help with Luke. It's somewhat easier with Sam than it was with Luke, because I know quite a few things, but it's still brutal because I'm overwhelmed and often very tired - watching two kids is never easy.

Regarding the ultrasound on Nov 20. Everything looks good except for one kidney which is situated lower than it should, it's called pelvic kidney. From my understanding this won't affect the pregnancy but may have consequences for child's health later when he's born. Will need to see specialists. They also scheduled a follow up ultrasound to see if baby has fluid blockage because of the issue. Hoping for good news.

We had a nice little Thanksgiving in our own family. Had turkey, broccoli, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie (fully Paleo, I baked it myself). Carl did buy cool whip though, so there was a little bit of sugar to it. Ate around 11:45 before Luke's nap because later it would have been to hard. I usually try to eat heavy food before 3-4 pm. Once Luke woke up we drove to Discovery park and walked around the beach. It was sunny but windy! Lots of people there too. Everyone's pretty tired though, I had to stay up late yesterday to bake that pie, Carl didn't sleep well, Luke didn't sleep enough. Hope we all recover over the weekend.

Luke's sick. Again. I got worried today because he's been sleeping the whole day. And didn't want to do anything at all, I could get him to drink twice throughout the day, and then Carl got some Gatorade for him, so he drank that in the evening. I also got worried because he didn't react to ibuprofen, the fever didn't go down. He's rarely if ever in this state. It happened just once before when he had the stomach bug. Carl installed chandelier in the living room, it's kind of nice but I thought it would be even nicer. Maybe we still need to tweak the light bulbs. Luke started putting multiple words together and sometimes he says even sentences. I'm not sure if he composes them himself or just repeats what we say. I feel baby's kicks too. Which is very reassuring. I have anatomy ultrasound on Nov 20th and that would tell us more about the baby, how well developed he is.

I've been robbed today on my walk... It feels horrible. Fortunately I was alone without Luke. Two young guys got out of a car and one of them showed me his gun and said give me the purse. I first didn't understand what he wants and then seeing the gun I got it. I gave him all. It feels horrible because I'm afraid how can I protect Luke in such situations. It's a "safe" neighborhood I thought. I also think Carl doesn't take this seriously enough and doesn't spend enough time talking to me about it. I should tell him that.

It was a challenging day. I'm already too tired since the weekend was more intense as Carl was away. Luke was fell in the morning and hurt his lip (and possibly something else in the mouth) and he cried on and off the whole morning. We did not go out at all which almost never happens. It was tough. I hap to show a lot of patience. Now in the evening I had 2 small gushes of water coming out and it was scary! Now of course I am worried whether this means miscarriage, early labor or something else. ooooh. I feel despair and upset. I am already not in a great state, but this makes me feel very upset: if another miscarriage happens I just want to die.

We came back from the class with Luke. We take a coop class called mindful Mondays. The teacher is nice, the kids not so much so. I feel somewhat tired now and should go rest because I need it, but don't feel like. These classes unsettle me and I cannot relax easily. Today was surprisingly easy. Maybe because kids weren't as aggressive (Luke is pretty timid in those situations, when someone takes his toys). Also I just took it easier and tried not to stress too much. Now I feel also a bit restless because I feel guilty that I'm not doing the right things. I am eating grapes instead of going to go rest or do something more useful, like practice leetcode. I generally feel out of place because I don't do a lot of meaningful

Luke had a meltdown today before bed at night. He cried that he wants socks and doesn't want socks. It went on for like 15-20 minutes. At some point I felt so desperate to leave and just give up on everything. It was tough. It's the end of the day, Carl is away, he went to Spokane. In the end it doesn't matter that much that he's gone, I think I've just been feeling low lately in general and feeling like I want to survive and run away from things. I just want to be and not do anything for anyone. I felt guilt that I couldn't stay there completely with him. I also felt so sad for him, because he was sobbing and he probably feels very strong emotions and I am of no help. In the end he went to sleep around 8:30 pm, which is super late for him. He's usually in bed by 8:10-8:20 at the latest. I started wondering what did I do wrong today that may have triggered this. Yes, I talked to my mom while with him, when they came back from the walk. So I didn't pay all the attention to him. I also know that he was tired. I also forced him to do a quick sink bath, he did not want to, really resisted it, but his feet were dusty from the walk. So I felt it was necessary but of course I hate forcing him. It sucks. I generally feel just not great about myself for some time now. I cannot do anything related to my technical knowledge, because I don't have enough time. I also feel guilty about this. I go on walks to relax and do not sit down at the computer solving leetcode.

I'm feeling depressed at times. All I do is so trivial, routine and very far from anything termed even related to "thriving". I don't think I've actually thriven truly, except for very difficult times when I put myself into very limiting and pressuring situations. But back then I've thriven in terms of efficiency and growth, not in terms of feeling good or happy, content. I think to thrive you need to develop a plan which forces you to perform. On the other hand, it all depends on how you define thrive and in which domain. You also usually just have this feeling that you're moving in the right direction and you feel uplifted. I'm missing this right now. Probably mostly because of pregnancy and mostly because of getting into a rut.

The period from 10th week onwards has been the worst so far. I did feel slightly better today and thought maybe things are looking up for me in terms of feeling shitty all the time. It could be, I am 11 weeks one day. We got test results today for MaterniT test, which tests for most common chromosomal disorders and identifies the gender. According to tests, the baby doesn't have any of the tested disorders (over 99% precision) and it is... another boy I have an ultrasound in a week, so that I could see how things are more precisely. I am not sure everything's fine. How would I know? Last time I had miscarriage without any symptoms...

Still dealing with nausea, but perhaps my progesterone levels are starting to normalize, as I am not as sleepy as I used to be. Not sure if it's good or not in terms of how the baby's doing. We had a couple over (Ying, Raya, Han) and Simar on Saturday. I stressed so much to make it look good, and it took the worst out of me by the end of the day. We had a fight with my husband. I feel like such events, unless you are very experienced, do take a toll. On the other hand, there are positives that come with it. I'm going for another blood test on Wed the 13th to find out the gender. We hope everything goes well until then.

I went for an ultrasound last Wednesday and they found normal heart beat! This is great. On the other hand, I’m feeling shitty like I haven’t before (except for other pregnancies which were long enough). Constant nausea and tiredness. I need to nap 2-3 times a day just to manage. I’m not feeling good. I feel like I’m just trying to run away from all this and the days are also least productive. I eat plenty of fruits which is almost binging. Do not like that but when I feel nauseous I need something in my mouth that’ll make me feel good. And things I ate before are out of menu- too sick to even think about them. Which means no more chocolate bars (great, because those aren’t low calorie). honestly I feel like other women have it easier. Maybe because their hcg levels and other hormone levels are lower? I’m going in for another checkup on Monday so will see how things are going. I’m wishing for a good outcome.

I'm pregnant. This is the abs the last time we are trying. Doing the hcg level tests as well, will go for the second one on Monday. I'm fatigued every day. It comes and goes, but I also nap twice a day. I feel like I'm becoming so undisciplined and losing control. Part of it is that I'm having it comfortable right now in some regards: no work. I do feel like I am losing touch to survival. I also feel bad that I do not practice algorithms almost at all, since I am spending all my free time napping. Luke is also tired all the time. Is this because of nightmares? Is it something else? He's too young to tell me what's going on.

Today I asked what I am wearing in the photograph ( I wasn't pointing at anything). He said hat. He also recognizes himself in pictures, as well as me and his grandmas. And he understands these too: again (he says it if he wants something again! ), more (that's been for a while), that, this, here, etc. He does not understand colors yet.

Luke's growing. You can ask him questions now and he'll reply. At 22 months! Insane. I asked him the other day where he went with Dada, he said Phinney! I was amazed. Yesterday I asked what he saw at Phinney and he said bag (a bag hanging on the tree), and neighhh! (there was a toy fox or sort of horse Carl told me). Then I also asked about hot tub (his favorite nowadays). He said there are bubbles (that one I am not surprised about because he talks about it all the time). And he said fish. Carl explained that there was some sort of a whale toy in there. But that happened weeks ago! And he still remembers

Wanted to add a few cute things about Luke. He started taking toys to bed. And sometimes it ends up being like 7 toys. I have to secretly go in at nights and get them out of bed, because I think there's too much clutter in his bed otherwise. Usually he is very particular at what he wants. Tonight after offering many toys, he wasn't satisfied (this is a usual thing). I went back in into the room, because he was crying when I left. I asked him what he wants. He said: mak, then maks. I didn't get it, so I left. Then after I few minutes it hit me, MASK. There was spider man head (mask, as we call it) in the bathroom. So he wanted that. Another cute thing. Now when he wants me to pick him up to show him something where he doesn't reach, he takes things out of my hands, e.g. his cup, and puts it on the table. Then he comes to me and pulls his hands towards me, showing that he wants to be picked up. The funny part here is that he clears my hands, knowingly that they will be occupied with him He's so cute. Really.

I feel resentment again towards Carl. (I got to research on how to let go resentment, because otherwise it will just outpour into something ugly. Maybe journaling?). All he did today was taking care of himself. And I guess I understand that it's OK sometimes. But it's been like that for a while. He mostly does what he wants. I am not saying he isn't with Luke. He still does his job as a father. I am missing connection, our walks with talks. Lately we haven't done any of that. And I don't know why he doesn't want any. It makes me feel like now I need to start finding friends with whom to talk instead of talking to him. But wouldn't this create an even larger gap in our relationship. I went ahead and called my old friend Ezio today on the walk around Green Lake. It's nice to have a friend you can talk to at almost any time.

I've been to Poland. It's wonderful. And it my opinion way more affordable than a lot of other countries in Europe. I guess things just piled up. And I just generally have resentment that is lingering from a lot of things. Including things that are unrelated to my husband. Right now for example I am struggling with asserting myself at the playgrounds. It's really bugging me. I cannot sleep sometimes because I keep thinking about it. We talked about the needs a little a few days after. Of course, it's a process and we need to come back to this topic.