ElenaO

I haven't posted in a few days, because was running around either responding to my own needs or the needs of work (which one of my own needs, too, actually). I've been doing OK with all three, but resisting to indulge in food isn't as successful as it was right after the retreat. I just have to keep working at it. Detaching myself from the pleasure and understanding that these cravings will pass. This requires consciousness and wisdom and I am not always good at it. It all comes down to surrendering to the pleasant and unpleasant sensations. Letting them be. Observing them. But you have to be conscious when these sensations come up. Otherwise, you'll just react. And that's what we mostly do. For the uncomfortable things: I resisted to eat cookies we had at work, which was awesome; practiced patience with others; did a hike in rainy and cold weather, even though I wanted to do it, actually.

I am going back to my earlier routine before the retreat. My motivation is waning. I am starting to come back to complacency. I guess there must be certain things that I want that would keep me on track. Perhaps could print some images of women with highly attractive bodies, which would keep me off any junk, including pizza, cheese, etc. These I eat when I am going to meetups. Perhaps could read every morning a motivational book. See how hard working others are. People around me aren't exactly hard working. I also want to learn more English idioms. This does motivate me. Maybe I could spend my free time doing that. Would be more fun doing it with someone, of course. Maybe memrise or duolingo or something else that would keep me going. I could start with promising to do certain things every single day. And sticking to it. 1. 1h meditation every single day 2. stopping myself from overindulging food 3. doing one thing every single day that scares me or makes me very uncomfortable I will post my report my report daily to share.

Great work! Keep it up. I wish I was doing meditation at your age. And for such long periods.

Either it's my mind or something else, but my great routine is going to hell. I wonder how does anyone keep up with it. It's as there must be a very strong drive to keep up the discipline. I must perhaps visualize the outcome to keep being efficient and hard working.

I realize how easy it is fall back on being complacent. It's just the default mode, unless you stay vigilant and direct yourself all the time. It's where you will be if you are surrounded by people who do same thing. It's either being alone and developing a strict routine or being around people who do hard things.

I start noticing how I am slowly sliding back with my routines and hard work. I've been supercharged after my meditation retreat to work hard. Now society and my own mind is making me slow down. I have to be vigilant here. But it's very hard to notice this! I got to analyze everything I do before I do it and contemplate on it. There's too much noise to notice it clearly. Maybe having a plan would work. But it just sounds so anal and neurotic to plan everything up. Well, tomorrow after work I want to go to yoga. That'll be at 5:30 or 6pm. I want to commit not to eat after it. This shouldn't be hard. I also want to write up my Vipassana experience in English for my Toastmaster's speech. I could do my laundry early in the morning before work too. That way I get more time in the evening. I just have to keep remembering to do the emotionally hard things. Not the things that are easy.

I find meaning in just working hard at things. I think it's probably thanks to dopamine. Love working out (now that I feel much better). Love working hard and even that uncomfortable feeling when you don't want to do something but you push through anyway, A lot of it I learned in Vipassana. It teaches you so much patience and perseverance. I also finally realize that I want someone on my side. I remember some guys were telling me this and I couldn't understand it. But now I get it. My brothers are married, some friends are getting married, getting a relationship, so now I feel like I have no one really to share my things with and be an important person for. It's not like I cannot live without it. I can! But I was just thinking today that it would be nice to have someone to share your thoughts and problems with.

Still grieving this guy. I guess it's a craving, really. I understand that that's the end to romantic times with a guy I actually liked. He also "stole" the possibility of me dating someone like him and making it work. Of course, that's my own insecurity. I have to work on it. I have to take 100% responsibility here. I want someone I actually like. There's this whole industry about pickup and that's for guys. But how does a girl get a guy that she really likes? Maybe indirectly she can by taking care of herself, being around lots of guys. But it's still seems kind of out of control... I met another guy today that I've originally met on a hike. And I think I screwed up. Not 100% sure. But I think I said one or a few things without being too careful and he might have got insulted. It's not like I was rude, but I just spoke my mind. On the other hand, I am not sure I always want to be too restrictive on what I say. After all, he will find out everything sooner or later. Still felt a little disappointing. And I am still hurting from the previous relationship, which wasn't even a relationship but a summer fling. Ugh. I want it back. But who cares what I want. Got to live with what is.

Oh man, work and improving yourself can be such a drag. You have to keep fighting all these temptations and easy life... I should think of a strict regimen and commit to it. The hard part is committing to it. You have to see the real reason for it. I guess seeing it how hard other people work would motivate me. I have to start getting around these people so I know how and what it is.

What do you mean? Not sure I understand the question. If you are asking about meditation, then it was Vipassana.

I will stick to doing one hour of meditation per day as I see huge benefits in the long run. I feel it's going to be so hard to maintain the discipline and hard work when I am on my own. You just tend to relax and take things easy. But it feels SO awesome after if you push through it and work very hard. It's just very counterintuitive. I felt so exhausted after work today. Now I understand that working hard on meditating is one type of hard work and working at your workplace is another one. The problem also is that my work is not fueled intrinsically as I would want it to be. I might need to find ways to work that around somehow and get genuine interest in learning all the time. I know that learning with someone around me is so much fun. I was thinking of even hiring someone to practice with me. For now I do it from times to times with my friends, but they are not always available.

If you mean by free flow the ability to sweep through your body and feel tingling or vibrations, then yes! It feels good, never felt anything similar to that before. However, I must say this retreat was not anything enjoyable for me, it was tough work and I felt exhausted all the time. But I learned quite a few things, so definitely worth it!

I am back from my retreat. Oh my, that was quite an experience. I learned that I am taking it so easy in life. I work hard much more rare than I should. That was a tough tough 10 days, each day was a struggle. Learned to recognize body sensations but still way far from being able to do it constantly.

Thanks for supportive words! ? I am on my way to the retreat. I am just amazed how hard of a drug infatuation is... Insane ?

Still hurting from my experience. Ugh, falling in love... Going to a Vipassana retreat tomorrow for 10 days! Never done it. Hope it gives me another perspective on myself and life. No internet, no talking, no reading for the whole 10 days. Amazing. First time ever.

It's insane how addicted one can become to a person. I've been having very uncomfortable moments for the last few weeks because of falling in love with a guy. I don't think he is sharing the same obsession. It hurts!! Anyway, today I got pissed off because of him being late, and told him a few things straight up. Now I think this is over. He didn't even try to say sorry. He probably has a big ego, just like I do. Now it sucks and hurts... Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with this.

I now started to understand the idea behind feeling into your emotions. It's extremely empowering if you can actually sit with them and not run away, avoid, distract yourself. You just observe them and let them be. I find it hard to do that though if you are trying to concentrate on your work, for instance. I feel like I am better off just switching attention to that particular emotion until it passes. But that, of course, creates more emotions, such as anxiety, because you are supposed to work and get shit done, but instead you are sitting there noticing your emotions. So it's a battle.

I realize now that the less you do during the day, the more you let yourself relax, the harder it is to get shit done later. Yesterday I managed to get tons of stuff done, which definitely wasn't easy, but felt so awesome afterwards. And I slept like dead without waking up! Which is an accomplishment. Moral of the story: do the hard things and you'll get your reward. Don't do it and suffer. Pick your poison.

I've lots quite a few pets when I was a kid. It's very tough. Especially when you are young and they mean the whole world to you. I've also lost grandparents and a parent and that has been a brutal experience. I've been going through a heartbreak just now myself. And I have to say that experiencing emotions is hard hard work!! I don't know why it hurts so much, but it just does. When I sob I feel like everything inside me is hurting. And I can literally start crying in an instant. However, that's a good thing. The alternative is way worse. Sending sympathy and love towards you, Natasha! <3

Letting go is so powerful, when I try to let go S and make myself realize that it's for the better. I am fighting against reality. This is what is meant to happen, so might as well reconcile with the reality. Even though there's resistance every time I do that. Even now I say that and I feel tension in my legs and belly. I don’t want to let him go. Tears well up in my eyes when I think about it. But thinking about good parts of letting him go, make it easier. I would not go to sleep late. I would feel refreshed. Ultimately, we are different. We have different aspirations. What I also realized is that I am teaching him. And nagging I guess. So have to increase awareness already only because of this. I had two dreams today. At least two. They were nightmares. This is the theme that perpetually repeats itself. One was about some guy (I think it was Aman Yadav, my school teammate, not sure why him). He was asking me about an issue that I was having at work. Apparently in my dream he's my teammate at work. He asked, Elena, so how is it going with that issue? And I replied: well, it's still not resolved. This issue eludes me. I haven't solved it. And didn't give him a clear definite "I will solve it". Also, in my own eyes, I didn't give him a compassion and my sorry about not solving him. And I feel like I don't care if I lose a job. So I see him leaving with a fret on his face. And suddenly this fear inside of me arises. He's going to report and provide bad feedback about me to higher ups and I will get fired! Intense feeling of fear encompasses me. Another one. I am still working but in a weird office, with different hats on the walls, not sure why. Maybe because only yesterday I was thinking I could change my style of dressing. So there's these interesting women hats on the shelves and I am looking at them. And there's even some women wearing this hat right next to me. It's all in the office, so she's probably my coworker. Anyways, it seems I am distracted from work with all this hats and other things. Maybe even some sexual arousal. Not sure why. Probably again thinking about S. Now, suddenly and I am looking around and I see my brother standing in the office. And he's called ambulance, as I understand. And I am like, what happened, what's going on. And he replies, I've cut my arm! And then I see that there he stands with his arm cut at the wrist (no blood dropping for some reason). His hand/palm is laying on the floor behind him. And I feel this intense feeling of worry and fear for my brother. And I am thinking or even telling him we got to put the hand into the ice. And in the experience I am feeling: I hope this is a dream! Is it a dream??? I really really really hope this is a dream! And then I wake up. I remember when my father was taken to the hospital with a stroke I also had the same reaction: is this a dream? Please let this be a dream. But it wasn't… Each time I have a nightmare it involves my family members. I guess I am so afraid about them and it would hurt me so much, that amongst the most intense fears I have is losing them or seeing them hurt.

Motivation and its triggers I was listening to Leo Gura's video on the power of asking questions and he had a set of great ones to ponder on. One of them was about what motivates you to become better and vice versa. I think that's a wonderful question. I notice that if I get into the negative self-talk, things start going downward spiral. On the other hand, the more positive thoughts I have, the more motivated I am. The key is to get yourself out of the negative rumination. Being conscious of it when that happens is another challenge. Eating crap or anything else I do not approve of, sets me off on a wrong path. Again, becoming conscious of it and stopping the self-criticism is a saviour. Or doing something hard again, which will let me pat myself on the back — good girl, now you are doing it right! Who is this prude within me anyway? Can I let it ever go? Sleeping in is another one. It's again self-talk: oh, come on, now you wasted almost all of your morning! There's something to be done every single day, or else you'll feel the guilt. And maybe it is true. We do have to have a ton load of things to get done if we want to move forward. Today I also reminded myself that we got to be grateful every single day for being alive. I've caught cold and I realized that it's some virus trying to survive and to inhabit my body, so I am in danger, even if not in a serious one, but yet. I am grateful I do not lay in bed somewhere in a hospital wondering if I'll be breathing tomorrow morning. What else motivates me is getting out of my routine, going travelling, doing something I really like. And maybe sometimes I don't really like. Changing things around puts things into perspective. Things that absolutely uninspire me is sickness. I immediately jump into victim mentality mode and start moaning: why oh why am I sick again? If I would see this from a different angle, it would be such a relieve. How about learning something from it? How can I improve and grow myself from this experience? For instance, I could start taking cold showers. Become anti-fragile, as Siim Land says. What puts me down is jealousy. I look at other people around me and come up with ideas of why I cannot be like them and why I cannot let myself do things as they do allow themselves. One of them is not allowing myself to talk to others because I need to get things done. Well, that's because someone put the idea into my head that providing value is *the* most important thing. And I guess it is, if you want to survive. But perhaps being social wouldn't hurt. Instead, it would empower me. I could be both social, charismatic, and get things done. In short, doing the right things motivates me. Doing the wrong things starts the downward spiral. Unless I am vigilant enough to note that and put an it to an end. Meditation and awareness, as result, is the key. What motivates you? What sets you back?

Fear of not belonging to anyone or anything. Fear of living my life and being of no use. Fear of being mediocre.

It's good you are aware of your issue. I think it's natural to be more reserved and not as spontaneous when there's some skin in the game. You do like the guy, so you are more afraid to lose him, rather than losing someone who you don't care about as much. I think small steps definitely help. Just like in anything. Dare to do small things that push your comfort zone every date. It can be something like moving in a way that you are not used to move, saying something you wouldn't usually say, being playful. Be courageous. I know it's tough. I struggle with this myself. But if you want the guy, I think it's worth to make yourself do a little work.

Wanted to share the experience I had yesterday. Just some background info: the breathwork event is 12 hours long. You do breathing for 3 hours and after a break do sitting for your partner for another 3. You choose partners at the event. I had no big expectations for the event. I've heard earlier that breathing could induce altered states of consciousness, but I doubted it could be compared to a mushroom trip. Looking back at what happened, I could say that one achieves the altered state for a number of reasons. It's the breath, setting and the music. Besides, you have your eyes closed all the time and do not talk to anyone or watch anything, so no wonder you achieve a different state. I bet that if you sit for 3 hours awake without doing anything and seeing anything you would achieve an altered state too. But maybe to a lesser degree. Breath perhaps intensifies that. And so does the music. I haven't done any real research on how does hyperventilation influence our mind (someone here could comment on this), but I must say that during my breathing session I didn't do a very good job of following the breathing technique. I kept losing my focus. First, because I was very nervous (some resistance maybe and uncertainty of what might happen), second because of the loud music and generally because of the peculiarity of the whole situation. For the first 30 minutes of the session I was trying to calm myself down and breath deeply at equal intervals. I experienced tingling in my face, fingers, chest. I tried Wim Hof method before and knew what to expect. Then I just stopped the breath and something miraculous happened. I felt as being in a different universe with some stars and beautiful sounds. I intuitively felt that I have to let it in. I surrendered to it. I felt dissolving. I was not myself anymore, I was this part of the universe. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. Even now as I am writing this, the tears well up in my eyes. The moment wasn't very long as my mind got the control back. In addition, I was worried the whole session that my sitter would judge me. Right after my little (yet profound!) transcendence experience, I was hit by a deep sadness. I felt a lot of hurt and felt sorry for myself and for the world. Mostly for myself. I believe there's trauma I have to work through. I sobbed like 4 times during my session. I didn't mean to cry before the session. In fact, I rarely ever cry. I was telling that to my sitter right before I went into my journey. Yet then I felt the emotions bubbling up in my belly, chest, the whole center of my body. It was a sort of pain I had to release by crying. There was also an intense pain in between my ribs. Never felt this before, but it subsided shortly. My tearful experiences were interrupted by peaceful and calm moments. It was amazing. First I was sobbing and then suddenly I was all well. And the music was incredibly beautiful. The universe was beautiful and I felt love surrounding me and feeling love for my life and the universe. Such a wonderful feeling. The time flew extremely fast. Suddenly the music stopped and I started hearing people whispering and leaving the room. I continued laying on my matt as I didn't want this journey to end. After the breathing session my sitter took me to draw my mandala. When drawing it, I suddenly felt the anger rise inside of me, so I scratched the paper angrily with the chalk. I guess the anger surfaced as a result of all the hurt I felt. The sitting experience was memorable too. I felt intense compassion and love for my breather. Especially, when he couldn't find peace and when he cried. I feel like such events should be organized for couples, as you grow so close to each other emotionally. At the end of the session we all shared what we felt and people had very different journeys. Some barely experienced anything, most had some mild tripping. I will definitely participate again. Maybe in a year. You need time to integrate all of it. And there's so many other things you could do to heal and grow yourself. Peace and love <3

I think Wim Hof's method doesn't promote emotional healing or any sort of spiritual development. It's done just for a few rounds and I doubt you can achieve any breakthroughs in such a short session. So they have perhaps different goals.