ElenaO

Shoot. I may have said wrong things to this guy again. I guess when these dates are too long I just lose track of what I am saying... Damn it. Anyways, I guess he may flip out and just say that this isn't right for him. And I'd understand I guess. It's just too much to take. It would be easy if things were perfect. But things aren't perfect. He's on antidepressants apparently. And I may have commented on this, I must have been quiet. Oh God. I just feel guilt now. I guess I have to forgive myself for that... Will see... I should just be more mindful next time he brings anything of this sort... It's also strange that he isn't very aggresive when we do kissing. Which is sort of strange. But I guess it's because of lack of previous relationships. I still think he's hot though. I am not sure why. I am just attracted.

Still having issues with sleep. Cannot wait to get back into routine when I don't need to constantly check my phone and lose sleep because of some infatuation or whatever the fuck it is. My concentration has gone to shit too. Going to try to get it back on track by doing 1 h meditation in the morning. Had a chat with a firefighter today. I talk to this guy maybe for a couple of weeks. I am surprised I get to talk to these hot people I wonder if it could ever work. The guy I am seeing right now is also hot in my opinion. He has not so great sides to him too, but he is hot. Which I must say I really value, because most of my previous relationships weren't about hot people. I guess I am still somewhat in Orange. And that's OK. I definitely know which parts I'll need to work on to get past it. First and foremost get a guy I actually think is hot. Second, stop being so stingy and get myself good stuff instead of trying to save on everything. Especially, since I can <3

My coach told me I did well. And said that I should just give him a chance and move on. I saw the guy today and in the end it was a fun date. Not in the beginning though. I think I am growing to like him a little more and trust him a little more. There are still certain things that bother me. But may be they can be resolved. Will see. Meanwhile I am still talking to a couple of people that do look interesting. Honestly, online dating will wake you the fuck up, if you think everything's rosy and flowery. You realize how no one cares and finding the one is hard work. I had to say no to a guy today, which sucked too. He is smoking, so I don't think it would have been a good date. I also got a message from a guy who expected me to drive somewhere in the middle of nowhere to meet him, like seriously? I've got plenty of people who are fine coming downtown where I live and are happy about it. It just annoyed me that he was so sure I'd do it. Anyways. Overall a good day. Dating takes a toll on my sleeping health though. I wake up at nights. I cannot fall asleep. I feel tired. I hope this shit is over soon and I can focus on the next chapter of my life: committed relationship, possibly marriage, working on my relationship and leaving behind all the "going with the flow" concept.

Thanks girl <3 It's so true what you are saying. Being vulnerable is really something I should keep working on, honestly. I am far...

OK, another shitty day where I feel like Life is a bitch. Or more precisely, dating is a huge bitch. My life is cool. It's the dating that isn't. So the guy I am/was seeing texted me today that he wants to stop seeing me because we are on a different page. Doh. Apparently he did not like that I am still talking to people on the dating apps. And it's been only 5 dates in. Seriously... This guy has no idea. Anyway, in the end I told him that there's miscommunication there. And asked if he wanted to talk. We talked. I kind of feel bad now that I agreed. It shows that I felt bad that he did that. And I did feel bad, that's true. But I feel like I made myself less attractive that way. I have a coaching session tomorrow at my work so I'll try to talk to my coach about it. Let's see what she says. I was just super angry at the way he behaved. He was apologetic when we talked. But I kind of opened my cards now that I care. And of course that may change at any time, but I feel like he will stop caring so much.

Hey, yes, I do use tinder too. I mainly use tinder and hinge. Just started with bumble. Interestingly enough, some of the interesting guys I got were on tinder even though it's known as the hookup app.

Had a session with my therapist today. Learned that I need to be more assertive with some of my girlfriends. I am not sure how will I say it yet. one of them talks a lot and wouldn't let me say things. Another one is that you need to talk through things if they bother you about a person. Like with online dating. You could mention it to the other what bothers you. Talking about dating. I am seeing this guy (it's been 5 dates so far) and he seems great (except for a few things I mentioned earlier). The chat went today towards the online dating. And he mentioned he does not talk to anyone on the apps. While I still do. And I felt uncomfortable. First, because I am actually not looking to have a lot of partners. But I also don't want to commit just yet. It's been only 5 dates. I don't know I am feeling so uncomfortable. Maybe because I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe because I don't want to give an image I don't want a relationship (that's the only thing I want!).

I woke up thinking about this whole mess with dating. There's definitely a cognitive dissonance. What I'll be doing is saying things straight, but in a kind way. And let's see where it goes. The things that make me feel uncertain is his lack of experience in relationships. And also his stupid decisions. I feel like if this is will ever go somewhere, I'd need to be the leader in the relationship most of the times. And that's something I'd have hoped to avoid. I guess seeing him a couple more times should clear the things up.

Hey @Raptorsin7 ! I am glad to hear you are seeing the person you like! So cool!! You know what, the person I am seeing is also way taller than me. In fact we have the same height difference as you guys do. I am 5ft2 and he's 6ft2. I believe height doesn't matter in the end. At least not in my current case. There's other factors that have way more weight.

So I am going to rant about the date I've had. I have mixed feelings. Which is definitely not a good sign. On the one hand, I am disappointed that the person I've met is not what I expected. Yes, I know, I should not have expectations. But you try it! I took a risk and went to see his apartment (this was the 4th date). It seemed promising, I definitely had attraction and I decided I'd risk, despite corona Anyways, it does not look like he's very experienced with relationships. Plus, he seems somewhat insecure at times, because he boasts often. Or so I see it. He also does pretty stupid things, in my opinion. He did not follow corona advices before, he did pretty silly decisions in terms of investments, he does not look he knows his job well enough... I guess I'll have a few more dates to be sure. He's otherwise pretty attractive, has a good job. But has had trauma because of abusive parents... I don't know. It does not look all shiny anymore.

@Neuroknot OK, nice! I am definitely not in a lookout for a needy relationship, but I also dont want to waste my time. Wanting a relationship does not equate to neediness. It's about being clear what you want. Happy late birthday!

@Neuroknot I've tried the app and it seems it matches me to people who are far away. I doubt it can work to date anyone on a long distance. Did you configure your settings somehow to match only with those in your city?

I was just going to rant about how brutal and disappointing my experience with dating is. In fact, it changes from day to day. Today was bad. I also think I am not closer to my goal. Well, in a way I am. At least I am learning what I should and should not settle for. After some thought, the important parts I'd need in my partner: - attractive - financially secure - gives me space to do my own thing when I need to. In return I'll do that too - interesting in conversation - healthy both physically and mentally (some level of consciousness, in good shape) - some experience in dating and have had relationships before - ready to commit for the right person I've talked to two people today. And I realize that you can learn a lot about people while dating. They all seem fine on the surface, but when you dig a little deeper, they all have quirks. Like the guy I met today in person (Josh, on a social distance), he was not aware of things while talking and also seemed very unexperienced in dating in general. The person I talked to on zoom (Casey) was fine and nice in the beginning, but trying too hard.

Thanks! Have you dated anyone from it @Neuroknot ?

This whole online dating thing is so emotionally draining. I guess it's partly because I am a highly sensitive person and I'd need to learn to protect myself from all those people who may want something else than me. I'll edit my profile tomorrow to tell them not to text me if they are unsure that they find me interesting enough. I just removed the guy I was talking about earlier. He seemed to have become a penpal instead of more. Elena needs no penpals, I have enough of those I talked to a dating coach today. Gosh, it costs insane amount of money. One sesh is over $200. This is nuts! Well at least she told me that I should not initiate myself (which I already knew anyway) if the guy is not moving forward.

I am confused about what to do with my life. There are multiple options and I am not sure which one is right. It also doesn't help that I do not get proper sleep every night. I tend to wake up at 4-5 am and not be able to fall asleep. I need some fire under the butt and more discipline perhaps. I also started doubting if dating apps will do me any good. I'll need to think. They distract me and a lot of times develop some habits I do not like.

I am sure you know what's best . It depends on a lot of factors here which I may not know of. Like what was the conversation and maybe there wasn't an explicit question that she had to reply to in the end, so that's why she hasn't. I am also picky with guys, so I have the same issue you have. If I find one that looks like someone I want, I tend to make a decision: this is who I want! And then it's hard.

Why don't you ask her again? Or she just disappeared and never replied? Oh. I guess you resonated with her on some level. I don't think I had any feelings until I talked to him online. Sometimes you just know immediately if you like someone. Thanks. Even if I do, I feel it's hopeless right now. Because of the corona.

Still working out. The scale doesn't show the difference, but I do feel it. Man, that guy broke my heart. Not even kidding. I don't know how is that possible. But I guess I'll just have to reconcile with the fact that for some reason he's not that interested anymore. Wish I'd know why. Had a demo at work today. Went pretty smoothly, was happy about it. And slept terrible at night. I am still waking up. Woke up at 3 am and didn't fall asleep until like 6am probably. Love the Immersion. I wish we'd have had it always. Like you wake up and then there you have that meditation session at any time you want. There's probably something similar to this though. I will need to finish a post for my blog tomorrow. Perhaps a short one. And then work on a longer one. Need to learn a few things about asyncio - how to wait on tasks and how to cancel them properly, what to do with the queue if the worker is raising an exception.

I forced myself to workout yesterday... and it worked! I have actually survived. I also did a few short workouts today too. The reason I wasn't doing it is because my body is just super tired and feel like beaten down all the time... This is so annoying. I am only 34 and have a healthy lifestyle. I have strong feelings for this guy I don't know how. This is insane. But apparently some hormones and some connections in my brain have been maid and now I feel like I really want him. Garbage. I am thinking of getting a dating couch too, so I know if I am doing things well enough. I don't know if I should be initiating discussions and or just wait for them to start it everytime. Maybe I should also get a book on that.

I keep waking up very early. Yesterday at 4am, today 5am. Wonder if it has to do being overwhelmed emotionally. I think the best solution to infatuation is diving into work and challenging yourself. Then you forget about it at least for a little.

It's so emotionally intense to talk/date to people. I have barely met this guy, we've exchanged quite a few messages over the last week and I feel attachment already. Because I like him. So there's an insane amount of emotions intertwined. First, I am afraid to be heartbroken. Second, I feel like I will screw up because when I like someone and I feel they may have some superiority, my pride comes out and starts putting the other in place. I realized today that I'd better be silent and not argue about things too much if I want that person to continue talking to me. Sometimes that's a smarter decision to humble yourself. At least in the beginning. I am going to attempt at attending Immersion tomorrow. Will try to do a few workshops, even though I still need to work. My binge eating is still a little out of control. Not that I binge on unhealthy stuff. But I have a strong feeling of hunger, so I need to eat quite some to feel satisfied. Hope it goes away with time, once my body realizes I am fine and there's no famine. I cry so much in my breathwork sessions. I literally almost don't stop for the whole hour. I feel it has to do with some childhood stuff as well as all this emotional situation related to online dating.

I went on a social distancing date yesterday. He's very attractive. To be honest, I am too afraid to be hurt by him, I can feel it. So I may say things that are a little inappropriate at times. The insecurity comes out. It's interesting how is he interested in me and what makes him interested. I'll have to practice more vulnerability. He's been very proactive in general, which is amazing. The corona thing also makes it frustrating, because you cannot even touch. Will need to think of a strategy to do nice things too, so it's not just him who's doing everything. I know that if it'd be just me, we wouldn't even talk too much because I just feel like talking shows my interest in him. Online dating is both very painful at times and it has its bursts of high pleasure... So insidious. Anyways. Will have my breathwork session today. And will work on my article I want to publish on the blog. I feel the infatuation hormones are starting to fill me. Gotta get myself down to earth.

Had a 1 hour meditation session in the morning and a short one in the evening. My findings: more grounded thanks to that; take a break and just sit down without anything, you don't even need to meditate, just relax and let your thoughts flow through you. Cried a lot today during my breathwork session, my eyes are all puffy and red. I understood one thing: I should keep my hands above me, they should lay relaxed, instead of on my belly or chest. I used to protect myself and stop myself from feeling what's coming up by keeping the hands there. My therapy session went pretty well. Acknowledged to my therapist that she's late. Seriously, this is infuriating. It's not the first time. Let's see if she follows through. what she's saying is that I may be not opening up enough to people, not trusting them. She suggested an approach where I'd open up to my manager at work about stress and anxiety, but in a safer way.

I slept well last night despite going to bed late and despite waking up at 7 am to delivery from Amazon Fresh. To be fair, I went to bed after that and slept until 9am. It's hard for me to sleep well lately. I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow about anxiety and resistance. Let's see if it helps... I kept my phone away today for most of the day and it was great. Less anxiety and more satisfaction. On the other hand, I am not sure if that's the only factor. But I think it definitely works to restrict access to it. Talked to a guy over a video chat today. I thought it went well, would like to see him in person, but will have to wait until it's safe. My life can be characterized with one word right now: resistance. Lots of it.