ElenaO

Today was a struggle. I have to shorten the date times, because the overwhelming emotions stop me from sleeping. I did manage to write a post on my blog though and even meditate for 1.5 hours. Did a few videos on Flask too and even had some energy to assemble the drawers that I got a few days ago. But honestly, it's surviving rather than thriving. On the other hand makes me look at things in a more sober manner.

Saw my beau today. We went to the beach, which was crowded. I really like him and I hope this works out. I just wish there was a list of things you could have beforehand to be prepared of how to deal with. Or maybe I'm just too anxious of this to work, because I am sick of wasting my time with changing boyfriends. Feels good now. Really hope it stays. I'll see what I can do.

I could not sleep well last night as usual. Too many emotions stirred up, too many hormones. I wish there was a simple solution to this. I felt tired and quite lazy today. Went for a walk and had wonderful time surprisingly. When you don't walk alone too often it becomes this precious time when you are present. Because it's rare you value and enjoy it. I used to walk every single day and that was good, but I am not sure I enjoyed it equally. On my walk I realized a few things: 1. I am an achiever addict, I need that dopamine to feel good. If I don't get shit done during the day I feel crappy about myself. 2. My mind constructs all kind of shit to make me feel good. Like yesterday I was watching this whole relationship thing through some rosy eyes. Today it hit me that there are a few things that may go wrong and I don't know how I was so high and naive. Will see how it ends up in the end.

Great resource. Is this only for one video?

We agreed with C that we are going to commit to an exclusive relationship. We are both ready. Felt great. Let's see how it goes from now on. I do really like him. All I worry is how could it go wrong? Things that went well: 1. woke up earlier than usual 2. got more done at work and in general during the day 3. had an ok session with my therapist which cleared up a few things: talked about C, and that I should trust how I feel around him also we talked that I need to find a female role model that is assertive and does things the way I can imitate.

I read a little about this whole situation with dating. Apparently, it's the mix of dopamine, oxytocin and cortisol that makes you very alert and awake. I don't truly have limerence, it's just a physical effect of dating someone you like. I don't think obsessively about the person on other days other than when I meet him. What went well today: - pushed through some difficult moments at work - got a ton done - so awesome to not be physically tired. Slept well for once What could be better: - more meditation - answering on my blog, commenting only at certain times of the day, not constantly - trying to get most of the work done in the first half, so the that the second is left for the rest of chores and free time I have my therapy session tomorrow. Want to discuss that I cannot sleep. Also discuss that people at work annoy me by talking/being assertive. I am still not comfortable telling people that their dogs must be kept on leash and away from me.

I just want to be out of this whole fall-in-love phase. I wish I could switch it off. I believe the feelings are mutual, so it's not about feeling bad for being rejected. It's more about freedom and being able to do other things besides thinking about someone. I could of course set more boundaries. But then again, I think this was partly the reason my previous relationship did not work so great.

@Amit Good point. I am trying to write down sometimes what bothers me. But maybe not enough. I feel like this is somewhat different though. Because it's some chemistry in my brain that I cannot control. I just keep getting these obsessive thoughts about a person. And it's strong. Meditating right now is hard, because my brain just gets overridden by these obsessive thoughts.

Thanks @Amit I agree. There are two sides to this, on one hand it's a need you need to satisfy. On the other hand, it distracts me from things I'd want to work on instead. Often I feel like I want to get this over with, get married, get kids and focus on other stuff. And that is not say that I haven't had relationships and fun in the past, I've had PLENTY. That's why I am sick of it by now. I just feel like all these obsessive thoughts and feelings are such a waste. Instead of working on my career, growing myself, I keep thinking about guys. Ironically, without me wanting to think about them!

Are there any side effects for lifting weights as a woman? Asking because I am interested to know if I could ever do that. I know that doctors told me earlier I shouldn't lift anything too heavy, plus I had hormonal issues before.

Wow, really impressed with your discipline. Especially with waking time and going to bed time. Great example!

My mind is filled up with thoughts about what's right and what's wrong. Today I woke up and understood that my life would be just much easier if I'd dropped talking to either of the guys I am talking to. They have their issues (maybe they aren't responsible for them though). What I am worried is that I'm going somewhere where I shouldn't. Why did I even decide I want a relationship? Was that a genuine desire? Probably... Only I may be imagined it in rosy colors. Now I have to deal with all the confusion instead of what's good and what's not. My mind wants a resolution here right now. It's confused.

@Gili Trawangan Maybe you should stop judging and look a little bit more around you. Life isn't as simple as you make it up.

I feel like I deviate from my previous plan of essentials. All this dating isn't making me really deeply happy. I mean it's nice seeing this person and all. It gives you a feeling like you will take care of this whole relationship business and move on with other stuff. And that's exactly what I want: find the person, build something with them and then continue my "boring" life of doing things that are more important. Can these 2 things coexist: relationship and important things? Especially if I want kids. Will I be able to write in my blog then? Probably... Hopefully... I am also talking to a few other guys and I am starting to feel uneasy about it. I am sort of lying to them. They aren't probably aware that I date someone else at the same time. But then again how would I break the news to them? It's hard! I also feel so exhausted because there's so many things to get done. I need to get back to my essentials and just focus on them. Everything else's secondary...

I'll have another 30 minutes of coaching tomorrow. There's not many challenges going on right now, except I do feel exhausted for the lack of sleep. The emotions are literally flooding my body and my brain cannot just relax. Life is unstable right now. Really looking forward to become more grounded and connected. Things that went well: 1. took an initiative at work and replied to a thread where my manager was 2. spend good time with the guy I am seeing Things that could be better: 1. Avoid eating late. I do usually follow this rule, but dating definitely interferes here. Cannot wait when this becomes more stable. 2. Grounding. More meditation. More yoga.

What went well today: 1. could get myself to work despite all the tiredness 2. enjoyed most of the evening at home alone (washed my hair, read a book, exercised a little, listened to eckart tolle on relationships and thinking) 3. realized how much I am stuck in my head and have constant thoughts about the person I am seeing 4. realized I want to get out of this limerence phase, because it's so emotionally and physically draining, I wish there was no limerence What could be better: 1. def better sleep routine. Going to bed at 10, sleep at 10:30 2. figure out things that help me with digestion 3. reintroduce meditation practice of at least 1 hour

Shoot. I may have said wrong things to this guy again. I guess when these dates are too long I just lose track of what I am saying... Damn it. Anyways, I guess he may flip out and just say that this isn't right for him. And I'd understand I guess. It's just too much to take. It would be easy if things were perfect. But things aren't perfect. He's on antidepressants apparently. And I may have commented on this, I must have been quiet. Oh God. I just feel guilt now. I guess I have to forgive myself for that... Will see... I should just be more mindful next time he brings anything of this sort... It's also strange that he isn't very aggresive when we do kissing. Which is sort of strange. But I guess it's because of lack of previous relationships. I still think he's hot though. I am not sure why. I am just attracted.

Still having issues with sleep. Cannot wait to get back into routine when I don't need to constantly check my phone and lose sleep because of some infatuation or whatever the fuck it is. My concentration has gone to shit too. Going to try to get it back on track by doing 1 h meditation in the morning. Had a chat with a firefighter today. I talk to this guy maybe for a couple of weeks. I am surprised I get to talk to these hot people I wonder if it could ever work. The guy I am seeing right now is also hot in my opinion. He has not so great sides to him too, but he is hot. Which I must say I really value, because most of my previous relationships weren't about hot people. I guess I am still somewhat in Orange. And that's OK. I definitely know which parts I'll need to work on to get past it. First and foremost get a guy I actually think is hot. Second, stop being so stingy and get myself good stuff instead of trying to save on everything. Especially, since I can <3

My coach told me I did well. And said that I should just give him a chance and move on. I saw the guy today and in the end it was a fun date. Not in the beginning though. I think I am growing to like him a little more and trust him a little more. There are still certain things that bother me. But may be they can be resolved. Will see. Meanwhile I am still talking to a couple of people that do look interesting. Honestly, online dating will wake you the fuck up, if you think everything's rosy and flowery. You realize how no one cares and finding the one is hard work. I had to say no to a guy today, which sucked too. He is smoking, so I don't think it would have been a good date. I also got a message from a guy who expected me to drive somewhere in the middle of nowhere to meet him, like seriously? I've got plenty of people who are fine coming downtown where I live and are happy about it. It just annoyed me that he was so sure I'd do it. Anyways. Overall a good day. Dating takes a toll on my sleeping health though. I wake up at nights. I cannot fall asleep. I feel tired. I hope this shit is over soon and I can focus on the next chapter of my life: committed relationship, possibly marriage, working on my relationship and leaving behind all the "going with the flow" concept.

Thanks girl <3 It's so true what you are saying. Being vulnerable is really something I should keep working on, honestly. I am far...

OK, another shitty day where I feel like Life is a bitch. Or more precisely, dating is a huge bitch. My life is cool. It's the dating that isn't. So the guy I am/was seeing texted me today that he wants to stop seeing me because we are on a different page. Doh. Apparently he did not like that I am still talking to people on the dating apps. And it's been only 5 dates in. Seriously... This guy has no idea. Anyway, in the end I told him that there's miscommunication there. And asked if he wanted to talk. We talked. I kind of feel bad now that I agreed. It shows that I felt bad that he did that. And I did feel bad, that's true. But I feel like I made myself less attractive that way. I have a coaching session tomorrow at my work so I'll try to talk to my coach about it. Let's see what she says. I was just super angry at the way he behaved. He was apologetic when we talked. But I kind of opened my cards now that I care. And of course that may change at any time, but I feel like he will stop caring so much.

Hey, yes, I do use tinder too. I mainly use tinder and hinge. Just started with bumble. Interestingly enough, some of the interesting guys I got were on tinder even though it's known as the hookup app.

Had a session with my therapist today. Learned that I need to be more assertive with some of my girlfriends. I am not sure how will I say it yet. one of them talks a lot and wouldn't let me say things. Another one is that you need to talk through things if they bother you about a person. Like with online dating. You could mention it to the other what bothers you. Talking about dating. I am seeing this guy (it's been 5 dates so far) and he seems great (except for a few things I mentioned earlier). The chat went today towards the online dating. And he mentioned he does not talk to anyone on the apps. While I still do. And I felt uncomfortable. First, because I am actually not looking to have a lot of partners. But I also don't want to commit just yet. It's been only 5 dates. I don't know I am feeling so uncomfortable. Maybe because I am afraid to hurt him. Maybe because I don't want to give an image I don't want a relationship (that's the only thing I want!).

I woke up thinking about this whole mess with dating. There's definitely a cognitive dissonance. What I'll be doing is saying things straight, but in a kind way. And let's see where it goes. The things that make me feel uncertain is his lack of experience in relationships. And also his stupid decisions. I feel like if this is will ever go somewhere, I'd need to be the leader in the relationship most of the times. And that's something I'd have hoped to avoid. I guess seeing him a couple more times should clear the things up.

Hey @Raptorsin7 ! I am glad to hear you are seeing the person you like! So cool!! You know what, the person I am seeing is also way taller than me. In fact we have the same height difference as you guys do. I am 5ft2 and he's 6ft2. I believe height doesn't matter in the end. At least not in my current case. There's other factors that have way more weight.