ElenaO

Nope. Not a solution.

Are you planning on having a family? Why/why not? Do you want to have kids?

The title of the journal reflects exactly how I've been feeling for over two years now. An existential crisis, no joke. I know that if my life would suddenly become challenging I would immediately get out of this rut. And sooner or later I will. It's a fact. I don't know if others have this same issue or it's just me. I cannot concentrate when there are a lot of people around walking / minding their business. I am talking about my colleagues. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot commit on talking / interacting with them, because I have to work. Besides, I have an issue communicating with them since it's not my mother tongue (a childhood trauma that makes me much more shy than I usually am). It feels like they are stealing my energy and my attention. And then I cannot focus on my work. It's so frustrating. I've talked to my boss and asked about the possibility of working remotely. He said that's impossible. Even though there are a couple of colleagues who do this. Screw that. Such a fair workplace. I will have another meeting with him tomorrow to put an end to my sufferings. Until then, peace!

Oooh, it's been so long since I posted here. A lot of things happened since then. I moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. But the biggest change and surprise of this year so far is that I am pregnant. I had no idea this could happen so easily, I thought it would be a long journey. What did I know. However, all is not easy. Now that I am 8 weeks in, I feel horrible. In fact, I felt horrible starting week 5. I am constantly nauseous, often tired to exhaustion, and even depressed. Who would have known. That was the least of my expectations. I thought it's hard to have a baby, but not while the baby is in you. It proves to be a hard process for which I wasn't prepared. Not sure I can be prepared. Sometimes it feels so bad, that I just want to die. And just a month before I was so motivated and excited about everything. This makes me realize that I am far from being able to embody all the practices I learned during my meditation. I can some, but often I am just depressed and don't want anything. What surprises me most is that no one talks about this hard path some women have to take. The problem is there is no way to tame this nausea. You just have to suffer. So much for the "most wonderful time of your life", that I hear from so many people when they talk about pregnancy. I call it BS.

Listening Rubbing the back Giving complements Smiling Helping out with annoying things Sharing high quality time

I am back from a 17 day vacation and I have no motivation to do anything. I hate it all: the city, the apartment, the work. I just want to do nothing. I want to be, not do. Honestly, my day is filled with so much doing of unimportant, of just sustaining your life. So much resistance again. I thought having a vacation would help me reenergize and want to do even more. Apparently not. I really want to go to another place and take a break from Seattle, from the apartment. I may.

It is said that in order to move up the Spiral you'll need to go through the stage fully. I rank myself somewhere between Orange and Green with some Yellow. I haven't embodied in my life a few things that are specific to Orange: playing politics at work, marketing yourself, networking with management (read subtle manipulation). Neither have I strived to be the best. I definitely have high standards but not aiming at the pedestal. I also do not do enough networking in general, and do no consider myself very gregarious, charismatic, chatty, talkative, social. And these are important to be successful in the corporate world. Does this mean I cannot move up if I do not work on these? This sounds silly to me. I haven't embodied other things either, such as being very fit (which I do value), looking your best, but those I may work on. However, the highly strategic and calculated steps such as networking with your management sound distasteful to me. I know I won't likely be promoted because I disagree with them, yet... What do you think?

@allislove thanks for your input!

Downtown Seattle, WA

Thanks. Well it sucks. It pisses me off especially because it's so unfair. But maybe I need to dig deeper and see how these men are actually "contributing".

Thanks for suggestions. I've been doing meditation for years and I agree it does have an influence on your life overall. What I don't understand is the fact that the desire would fade away? If you see an unfair situation, how would it? And why should it fade away? It's not like I yearn to get this promotion. It's more about making it right. Why should I be getting less and be content with it? Let's be honest, we are still humans.

@allislove Thanks. However, I feel like you consider that I am some sort of monster that does not realize what she's doing. I am pretty conscious and I won't be hurting anyone, trust me.

Thanks. Oh I do my spiritual work daily. But frankly it has almost nothing to do with the skills of getting ahead in our orange world. You may meditate all you want but it won't change the fact that you'll need to interact and work with others. I am kind. Obviously I won't now turn into some shark I am me. Just gotta be more cunning ?

Oh I am with you this one. I think I totally have a shadow there too, because I honestly hate all these games with all my heart and resent all the people that play them.

Perhaps they didn't make it past Orange if they haven't climbed it? Unless of course they are entrepreneurs or doing something else than working in a corporate world. Honestly, I am still pretty shocked it hasn't worked and not sure I understand why it hasn't. I'll need to read some literature on that.

Well, the one that's missing is strategy, career growth, and playing politics. These I definitely do not have. With the rest I am doing pretty well.

For obvious reasons. To get more money and have a better job, more responsibility, more autonomy, more authority. While I am sitting at the same position others are getting better pay. It pisses me off, especially because they are not better at the job. It's just they know how to navigate this. I find some men to be particularly great at this. Of course I do my morning meditation. Spiritual practice is not something I am trying to improve here. It's stages above. I am trying to clog all the holes that are left from Orange so I can be ready to move up the spiral.

I don't think I understand what you are saying here. Why do we have managers at all if they are not going to cater to us? I mean I am the one who implements things and makes stuff work, their job is to observe how things are going and take appropriate actions. Yes, I meant moving up the Spiral, but also moving up in the career ladder as well. That's a strong Orange value.

@Johnny5 I never saw the appeal until I realized that I am like an idiot being passed on promotions. It's not like I am not valued, it's more that I am just not given credit for it, while other guys seem to get the titles and salary raises. It pisses me off. And I do want to move up the Spiral for sure and that's what I am wondering: do I have to go down this road to transcend Orange? Probably.

@Raphael in my experience you have to be exceptionally good to move up the ladder that way. As far as I understand these things happen very slowly if you do it organically. I am definitely not at the level of some executive to suggest anything of that sort. And I cannot even be, because I am just out of that league and do not get enough information or input to do those changes. Obviously I am doing what I can in my job and trying to be proactive and show initiative.

Of course. However, I see no choice in the current world if you want to move up the ladder. Or I haven't found one. I've tried my way of just being a good employee and expecting others to notice what I am doing. Apparently that's not working.

Yeah. Perhaps these two are not so much connected. But that's why I was asking if I actually need to embody this part in order to move up in my spiritual world. Perhaps yes, I'll need to do what others are doing to get it out of my system...

Well I am trying to see the other perspective of networking and proving to others that you are valuable and they need to promote you. Honestly, I cannot find good reasons for it. To me it seems like it's the manager's job to observe what's happening around you and who does what. You don't need to become friends with them and be flashing in front of their eyes to be promoted, in my opinion. But it looks like I got it all wrong. I won't be able to move up if I don't play the politics. I'd have to talk and market and be friends with people. I guess that's how our society works. Which I really don't like. If I stick to my route how do I get promoted? Hasn't worked until now. The reality of the corporate world is likely different from what I expected.

The company is not solid orange. It definitely is moving towards green, but I believe the promotion system is still on the orange side. To be true, I am not sure how the promotion system works really, from what I see it looks like constantly reminding your manager of your achievements and contributions and being visible i.e. marketing yourself. I see that those who are "friends" with the bosses get their promotions. I never operated this way, so starting to discover this only now. I guess I was denying that this exists and thought that promotions happen based on the merit and less on how much you talk to your boss. Maybe that's naivety, not sure. Honestly, I have no motives for networking to management at all. I am independent and usually get my work done well without anyone managing me. That's why I never sought networking with anyone. I just did my thing and tried to do the best I can. So if you'd ask me I'd say I don't see a point in networking. But that's not how it works if you want promotion in our world, it seems like.

laughed at the part that you didn't read what I wrote. Well I am in doubts that's why wrote here. Maybe to make myself understand it better and realize what I should be doing. I definitely won't be kissing my managers' asses, but I'll need to be smarter in how I interact with others. In other words I'll still need to play some games to be promoted.