ElenaO

Perhaps they didn't make it past Orange if they haven't climbed it? Unless of course they are entrepreneurs or doing something else than working in a corporate world. Honestly, I am still pretty shocked it hasn't worked and not sure I understand why it hasn't. I'll need to read some literature on that.

Well, the one that's missing is strategy, career growth, and playing politics. These I definitely do not have. With the rest I am doing pretty well.

For obvious reasons. To get more money and have a better job, more responsibility, more autonomy, more authority. While I am sitting at the same position others are getting better pay. It pisses me off, especially because they are not better at the job. It's just they know how to navigate this. I find some men to be particularly great at this. Of course I do my morning meditation. Spiritual practice is not something I am trying to improve here. It's stages above. I am trying to clog all the holes that are left from Orange so I can be ready to move up the spiral.

I don't think I understand what you are saying here. Why do we have managers at all if they are not going to cater to us? I mean I am the one who implements things and makes stuff work, their job is to observe how things are going and take appropriate actions. Yes, I meant moving up the Spiral, but also moving up in the career ladder as well. That's a strong Orange value.

@Johnny5 I never saw the appeal until I realized that I am like an idiot being passed on promotions. It's not like I am not valued, it's more that I am just not given credit for it, while other guys seem to get the titles and salary raises. It pisses me off. And I do want to move up the Spiral for sure and that's what I am wondering: do I have to go down this road to transcend Orange? Probably.

@Raphael in my experience you have to be exceptionally good to move up the ladder that way. As far as I understand these things happen very slowly if you do it organically. I am definitely not at the level of some executive to suggest anything of that sort. And I cannot even be, because I am just out of that league and do not get enough information or input to do those changes. Obviously I am doing what I can in my job and trying to be proactive and show initiative.

Of course. However, I see no choice in the current world if you want to move up the ladder. Or I haven't found one. I've tried my way of just being a good employee and expecting others to notice what I am doing. Apparently that's not working.

Yeah. Perhaps these two are not so much connected. But that's why I was asking if I actually need to embody this part in order to move up in my spiritual world. Perhaps yes, I'll need to do what others are doing to get it out of my system...

Well I am trying to see the other perspective of networking and proving to others that you are valuable and they need to promote you. Honestly, I cannot find good reasons for it. To me it seems like it's the manager's job to observe what's happening around you and who does what. You don't need to become friends with them and be flashing in front of their eyes to be promoted, in my opinion. But it looks like I got it all wrong. I won't be able to move up if I don't play the politics. I'd have to talk and market and be friends with people. I guess that's how our society works. Which I really don't like. If I stick to my route how do I get promoted? Hasn't worked until now. The reality of the corporate world is likely different from what I expected.

The company is not solid orange. It definitely is moving towards green, but I believe the promotion system is still on the orange side. To be true, I am not sure how the promotion system works really, from what I see it looks like constantly reminding your manager of your achievements and contributions and being visible i.e. marketing yourself. I see that those who are "friends" with the bosses get their promotions. I never operated this way, so starting to discover this only now. I guess I was denying that this exists and thought that promotions happen based on the merit and less on how much you talk to your boss. Maybe that's naivety, not sure. Honestly, I have no motives for networking to management at all. I am independent and usually get my work done well without anyone managing me. That's why I never sought networking with anyone. I just did my thing and tried to do the best I can. So if you'd ask me I'd say I don't see a point in networking. But that's not how it works if you want promotion in our world, it seems like.

laughed at the part that you didn't read what I wrote. Well I am in doubts that's why wrote here. Maybe to make myself understand it better and realize what I should be doing. I definitely won't be kissing my managers' asses, but I'll need to be smarter in how I interact with others. In other words I'll still need to play some games to be promoted.

well I don't hate all of it. I definitely share quite a lot of values. I only hate the manipulation and the fake relationships you gotta build at work to move forward. But I guess I'll have to abide by them to move on the career ladder. Which makes me wanna puke.

I think the same. Though I think I won't be navigating well in the corporate world if I don't come up with something.

Oh wow. Had a good day today, after a long period of so much resistance and frustration. Did my breathwork in the morning and felt terrible, so much sadness, frustration, feeling pity for myself, feelings of being stuck. Sobbed. Went to read to a park here in Seattle which was so relaxing. I love my new kindle, it's just so convenient. Went to get groceries later and had a long walk back home. Ate and just watched a video on making educational videos. Really good one. I am thinking of starting with video tutorials for programming. I did that many years ago but never really had time to do it consistently. Went back to read to the park in the evening. It was such a lovely and long day. Would love to have this more often. One thing that made me realize why I had this time: i post in my blog on the weekdays now, and my boyfriend was gone to see his family. Such a blessing to have time for myself.

Had a few realizations today. Not sure how true they are, but yet: - I really want people to love me and accept me. I had a dream today where I am dating this good looking guy and he is really fond of me. I feel so good about it in the dream. - I could switch off my phone for the day and check it only at the end of the day - Being in the moment whenever I remember, instead of my head makes the experience of life better

Nope. For years.

Feeling very emotional today: a lot of anger, frustration, hatred. I think it started after my breathwork session. I cried and now it continues. I feel like my life is just miserable. It does not look from the side, but on the other hand I feel like I am fighting for something all the time, constantly grinding, and just not being where I want. We booked a trip with my bf, going to Denver and I was checking prices for the car rental, and it's freaking annoyingly high. It's frustrating. It feels like what I am doing and that somehow my life isn't where I want it to be. I feel miserable...

I am so exhausted. I started following a more conscious way of doing things and writing down what I do. More importantly planning for the day what I'll get done. I am behind my plan for most of the days. And I feel stressed and frustrated for the most of the day because I know there's still so much to get done. But I think that would make me achieve so much more. Often when we go with the flow, we achieve so much less than we could have. I just feel that I get lots of frustrating feelings that I'll need to process somehow, because most of the time I feel like not doing anything of it.

I don't see a problem with going for a retreat if you really want to. I've been on a 10-day retreat, while meditating for years 20-30 minutes a day. It was HARD, and I hated every single day. But I had no ego backlash at all when I returned back. In fact, I started meditating for longer and realized quite a few things. It was highly productive and really made me grow. I was super super productive and had virtually no resistance for one month after I returned.

I want to do a solo retreat in the near future too. I'll come up with a clear plan on what I should be doing during these days. Otherwise it can be wasted on just laying around and not doing anything significant, which is also fine, but probably not as powerful. Where will you go? I am feeling sort of stingy about money, because I'd have to rent a place around here and it's not cheap.

Had a pretty strong release yesterday during my breathwork session. I felt like everything I am doing makes no sense and I am selling myself short - what I should be doing instead is travelling and developing myself. Right now I am mostly stuck in my routine at work, trying to keep everyone happy - my family, my work, my bf. I know it's my choice, I don't feel I am a victim. But it's also feels like I am not living my life fully. It may be I must do harder things than that. I also felt loneliness, which I rarely feel. I felt like it is just me alone fighting with all that. Which is true, of course. But I just felt a little sad for myself.

I will start doing virtual Vipassana in July every Saturday, except this Saturday. I am going to spend the weekend with my bf. First time together sleeping under the same roof. Vipassana retreats even at home are tough! So much anger and unhappiness comes up. It's so tough. But it develops the patience muscle and makes you more bad ass. Suddenly things that you did not feel like doing become easy. So it's like a gym against your laziness. I attended the webinar on breathwork and what we can do to go deeper. I liked the visualizations offered by the teacher: imagining that each breath moves your further into the ocean, when you are lying on a surfboard.

Haha, I get it. I feel often that he's literally my older brother. Which is crazy and I think my mind comes up with these crazy ideas. But I do think there's definitely things that we have to be careful about. So I've been trying to be watch less of the videos and do it with breaks, because I do notice I tend to just take the advice as the absolute truth, which it isn't.

You have a lot of interesting stuff here. I share the experience with trusting Leo's content too much and not listening too much from the others. Though I've recently started doing more of Shinzen Young's programs. I definitely think we need to diversify, it's just that I resonate so much with Leo's content and a lot of times it sounds so true to me. But then again this may be because I've been following him for so long and growing at the same time with his content. Keep up the great work! You are inspirational.

I had a day off today and we went to the beach with C. It was cool, even though I feel a conflict in me. I feel I need to get done a lot of shit ( even though I don't really want, because a lot of it is boring), but here I am at the beach, just chilling. I feel that if I'd be more assertive about it, it would hurt his feelings. I think with time that's definitely something I'll want. Have a lot of my own time and get shit done. He knows about this partly. I'm going to meet him on Saturday next, maybe I should tell him that we get to spend until 9pm and then we go ways.