ElenaO

Sam has been sick, it turns out. He's still sick, it's been over a week. He has had rash for the last 3 days, and has been crying on and off - no question more than usual. Sometimes it's just too much, I understand he feels bad but carrying him around is just exhausting. Sometimes I have these thoughts - when will this marathon end? When can I rest? Luke slapped Sam yesterday, which always triggers me so much. I got so upset. I started crying, Luke was crying, Sam was crying the least, interestingly.

We are 2 months and 3 weeks in. Life slowly starts to become easier. We are trying to track the 90 minute intervals to have Luke fall asleep at the end of it. He's done pretty well yesterday, missing only 2 periods. Last night he slept for 8 entire hours! I feel guilty, because I think he did want food at 3:30AM but I just thought it's too early and fell back asleep. I was back up at 4:30 and woke him up. He didn't seem too hungry and I had to wake him now and again to feed. He's growing. It's so funny how you can see the change with babies. Adults don't change drastically within weeks and months. He's extremely cute when he's babbling and talking and smiling. He has this very cute half smile. Sometimes he's really excited. It's become more of a thing recently. Perhaps 10 days ago did he start to be THIS cute. Looking back since he was born this has been the most challenging time of my life and I would dread to redo this. On the other hand, this is how first experiences are often. I am a first time mother and wasn't prepared a iota for this challenge. This is an almost 24 hour job, except for the periods when the baby sleeps. But even then you are worried if he's making sounds, whether he's awake, hungry or what's going on really. My mom has come today to help. It's so hard for me to be respectful. I feel like she's doing things too slowly and not the way I want so I get annoyed and tell her everything I think.

I am still confused on why Sam sleeps so badly. This morning I saw him whimper in sleep and then he suddenly woke up startled. Is it dreaming? He appeared tired this morning and wasn't happy generally. I do feel pretty tired, my feet are tired too. I went to the dentist yesterday and got my first crown installed (never had this before). It was so long and I got so exhausted mentally. I also didn't do any numbing because I don't usually do it. This was fine until they started putting some rubber in there, that was hurting on my gums. It was also so expensive! I paid $625 with insurance coverage.

I do think I know why Sam is fussy - he's awake a lot during the night. I increased his last wake window to be 3.5 hours and it seems to have helped just a little. He wasn't doing as bad this morning, however, I've heard him making some sounds at night. His eyes were closed but he was making whimpering sounds, like if something was bothering him. Then at times he'd open his eyes for a second and then close again. While Luke is at preschool and Sam is sleeping I'm trying to learn how to teach yoga.

Turns out it's some stomach bug, that got Luke sick (he has diarrhea, and poor appetite). Sammy continues to be very fussy, I have no idea why - I wish babies could speak and explain what is going on! I went in the morning to Herkimer coffee shop and wanted to get a latte, but the line was insane so I just left and got one from Diva. It was refreshing to do something I really liked! Gave me energy to do things later. My mom and Luke went to Children's Museum in the afternoon, which was nice, because they often come back when I want a break (to poop, to change, etc). They went back by bus from downtown.

Luke is sick again, I noticed he has fever right before he went to bed. 101 F. Sam was also feeling off after his second nap, it was intense It gets to me sometimes... It's just walking around and trying to soothe him. It rained almost the entire day today and my mom was off today too. I walked to Ken's market, and bought a small piece of smoked gouda - it was nice but later I regretted it (when will I lose all that weight?). I'm tired even though I kind of napped in the morning while Sam was napping.

Sammy was feeling bad yesterday, he had a low grade fever at night and in the morning. COVID shot, probably. I gave him tylenol, it wasn't easy because he did not want to drink it from the syringe. Carl is gone now with Luke. It starts to become a pattern that I have both kids for 45m-1h in the mornings so that he can nap. Yesterday though that was too much (but it often is like that, it's still worth it), because I also cooked breakfast for everyone and had to clean up after too. It was hectic (not that it isn't usually, but it was especially at that time, with Sam feeling sick, etc.). It was the first breakfast together that we ate at home all. We've been to cafes a couple of times together for a snack, but this was a fully cooked one at home. It's nice, but it puts a lot of burden on me, so next time I'll tell Carl to either cook or clean up after. I need to lose around 10 pounds of weight (8 would be fine too). I gained it during pregnancy and probably also after birth some too. It ain't easy.

Thanks so much.

I'm sick for the 5th time since Luke started preschool (this is crazy! arghhh!). I have a sore throat and I am feeling tired. Sammy got his covid, flu, hep b and pnemoucoccal conjugate shots today. I feel so bad for him! Poor guy, he's already teething (second tooth, yay), sick and now also COVID shot? I felt awful after mine a week ago (not as bad as for the other ones though). Me and Luke are doing much better though. He hugs me a lot and generally is feeling pretty good. Apparently he has a friend (well, "friend"), Vera at preschool. I'm sure it's really not anything, just funny. Her mom tells us that Vera speaks about Luke, that he's kind and that he is her favorite <3. That makes my heart melt.

Luke doesn't like putting new clothes on. Either because he's very self-conscious or just because he doesn't like any changes. I think the former one is more likely. It's Halloween today and he does not want to put the costume on (we bought spider man), Carl could get on him jack-o-lantern pajama on him though. We'll go trick or treating today at 6pm with Sammy as well. Sam's got his own pumpkin costume. Carl bought for himself a red t shirt with a carved pumpkin face. I'm going to wear mickey ears. Luke does not want to go, but he'll do it (thankfully Carl will be with us, because he'll do almost anything with Dad).

It turned out to be an ear infection, a bacterial one to add more. He felt BAD. Didn't sleep well a couple of nights. High fever. We started amoxicillin for 7 days. Never had this before. How ironic is when people say: daycare is good for your kid! interaction is good for your kid! My kid has never had to take antibiotics before he started preschool. He has never had an ear infection in his life before he started preschool.

Luke is back to being very sick. He complained yesterday of the ear pain. Carl and him are going to the doc at 1pm to see what's going on (though I know it's an ear infection, but not sure if there's anything we can do). Yesterday he skipped his nap again. Probably too overwhelmed from preschool. They did tell he had a lot of fun there (I very doubt it's a LOT of fun). Kai (our new babysitter) will come in 2 weeks, will see if Luke will tolerate her better this time around.

Luke's sick for the 4th time since we started preschool on September 9th. He had a fever yesterday and napped or lay down for the first half of the day. Yesterday when asked what hurt him, he managed to explain that it's his throat. I myself feel a throatache and malaise, today better though. He gave him tylenol today in the morning, he was high energy already, and shipped him to preschool. Sammy is all the time whiny, probably because of the move to two naps. Or because he learned that he can be? The sleep overnight has improved but we're still back at 2 feedings a night. I talked to Stella yesterday and her 10-month old wakes multiple times, but she said she's firm about feeding once after 4am. She also shared her frustration with Alice - her resisting everything and bedtime being such a drama. Luke shared in the evening before bed a few details from preschool (rarely ever happens). He said he used a paintbrush to dry off the green slide they have there. I asked if he uses the slide, and he said: yes, when it's dry. He also said that he probably has another orange slide at preschool (has to be verified, not sure it's true?). We did have my mom over yesterday because Luke was so low energy, but Carl and Luke did manage to actually go to Pagliacci for a pizza slice, and even drove to Sunset Hill for a short visit. The Pagliacci idea came around when we were looking at the photoalbum and Luke said: yummy pizza. I was: do you want a slice of pizza now? He agreed. But then said he wants pizza with his dad, not with mom. So I wrote to Carl and they left after 20 minutes.

Luke is still behaving like he hates me. I know he doesn't, because there are glimpses of him being a sweet boy again. My theory is that all the pent up emotions from preschool are being released around me. Also around my mom. This is manifested with protests to do really anything - no brushing the teeth, no changing boxers, no peeing, no going upstairs for a nap. Right now Carl does the nap part - he puts him to bed, brushes his teeth. It's also very hard to get him out of the door when my mom comes, so Carl helps there too. It is very frustrating. I'm very angry too so I try not to be around him when I feel like this. I understand that it's hard to be at preschool, but it becomes impossible for me to get anything done with him. And it complicates everyone's life. My mom is also pretty depressed and desperate.

Ooooh, it's been a crazy day. Luke had fever yesterday and elevated temp today and didn't go to preschool neither Tue nor Wed. Yesterday he was low energy and it was easy to handle this, but today he's all frisky. I'm very tired because of all the illnesses we've had and also from poor sleep (Sam wakes up 3-4 times a night and I go console him). So today was a perfect storm day. Luke did not want to go wash his hands after short walk, before nap. And I forced him, because he's touched trash etc. And from then on it has been an hour of hell! He would not put on his diaper for sleep (we put diapers for sleep, though he's toiled trained for a long time, but during sleep he can pee because he's not conscious). He would not go upstairs. He would not change the shirt. He would literally not do anything, and I seriously needed some rest. Meanwhile Sam woke up from his nap, probably because we were making so much noise, Luke was screaming. I literally feel like I do not want to see Luke. This is so uncommon! I am really angry with him. He makes me really hate having children - I am questioning myself, why did I do this!!! I really don't want to talk to him, see him, or do anything with him. He's making my life harder, harder than it already is.

There has been a lot since I wrote. Luke went to preschool and on the third day got sick with a horrendous stomach bug. He was throwing up nonstop for an entire day. I got sick the next day and went through the same. He kept throwing up for a few days after, just not as intense. We ended up being all sick, including Sam (thankfully, he wasn't throwing up, but had all the other issues). It was the most horrible sickness I've had in years! (except for the infection I got right after giving birth lucky me this year). Now 2 weeks forward, we are all sick again. This time probably got it from my mom. Luke had high fever for 2 days straight, today no fever it seems. I was very low energy yesterday, did not even feel like walking. Sam got this again too. This is some sort of cold virus. Luke is probably going back to preschool tomorrow. Oooff, it never gets boring here.

Luke went with Sarah to the zoo. He thought it was fine (but how much can you trust a 2, almost 3, year old?). Amazingly he had trouble falling asleep for his nap, which never happens. So he finally gets enough night sleep it looks like. He was jumping in bed on the mattress, rolling around, hugging his toys, and fell asleep only 40 minutes after I left him there. So we'll get up at 7:15am instead tomorrow. Sam can control his torso and upper back pretty well. If I stand with him looking at the mirror and then start moving away from it, he turns all his upper body to look again. It's very cute how curious he is. His big blue cute eyes are wide open when he looks around

Sammy is so cute, it's amazing. I definitely feel more joyful this time around, but he's also just such a cutie

Luke's going to preschool on Monday. I'm already having nightmares about this. One the other hand, sometimes our mornings are so miserable that it's maybe for the better. Even though I'm pretty sure he won't be a fan of it. There were 2 poop accidents today and all I did (it felt like it) was cleaning the poop from the floor, toilet, etc. It still smells like poop in the bathroom, no idea why, I thought I cleaned anything I could find. Sarah, our nanny, is coming tomorrow to spend time with Luke in the morning, while Carl will be golfing with Nick, his friend. The amount we pay her is mind blowing, but again it's Carl who's paying (35 an hour).

Thanks so much, Michael! Congratulations on your marriage! Yes, you're right - no matter how much you prepare it's going to be rough! (or at least for me it was!).

Sam cried for an entire hour before falling asleep for his last nap today. Mind blowing. Luke threw up in the morning multiple times You can get gray hair no problem if things continue like this. If someone reads this, it'll make them think twice before getting kids. Man, this puts you back to your place so you don't feel like life's too easy. Carl is also mad with me - says I don't show any affection and am not being nice to him. I mean how can I be nice when all I'm doing is surviving. Sarah, our new nanny, will start coming on the weekends for 3 h in the mornings. I don't want to see or hear her, because I'll know I'll hate how she behaves and does her job.

Wow, thank you Leo! Flattered you wrote

I want to cry - this is how hard it is. Sammy was crying and fussy almost the entire day. It gets to you when it's all the time. It was also raining the whole day and I just don't feel any joy about this. I slept very poorly last night, Sam woke up so many times: at 10:40, at 2:30, at 4;00... At that point I put the fan on and stopped listening because I knew I would be a wreck. It's hard... And I'm worried he may be sick. I may take him in for a doc appt on Monday if this doesn't improve.

I'm very tired. My feet are exhausted, my arms are exhausted and my temper and patience aren't at the level they must be. Very tired. I'm both waiting and dreading Luke going to preschool in less than 2 weeks. I know it will be a major change for him, he's never been without parents, except when he's with grandma, but he's known her since newborn phase. Sammy is fussy right now, maybe because of 4 to 3 nap transition, maybe other reasons, who knows? Luke runs and kisses his legs when he's crying - so cute! He thinks that that will stop him from crying. (Haha, I may have done this before and he learned). I am trying to tweak Luke's schedule, and put him to sleep earlier in the evenings so he gets enough sleep, because his behavior is terrible at times. He bites, screams, cries often, throws things and kicks. This comes in bursts. He's also afraid to be left alone now, which is a completely new development. I mean he used to be in the backyard all by himself just a few weeks ago. This is not a thing anymore.

It's funny how Luke makes up stories. A lot of times it's something that his dad did, and he tells me the story as if he did this: I went to fred meyer and bought the tweety backpack (we actually found it on the street) for one dollar. 'Mom, you have to buy the chair pillows, because grandma rose is coming in an hour home'. Also asks me to buy things as well. Today he said, you need to buy не настоящий grass (not real grass), and I'll remove the one we have in the backyard and put this one. Sam's sticking his tongue, rolls to one side (not both though yet, has rolled from his tummy once to his back so far). Holds his head very well for a long time now. Also is completely sleep trained (amazing!) and was already sleeping on his own by 11 weeks old (yeah, sleep people out there saying that your baby has to be 4 - 5 or 6 months old to do that, doh, you're wrong!). I think we need to start transitioning to 3 naps though, because sleep at night hasn't been great (2-3 wakeups). Sam used to give me even 7-8 h stretches, but not anymore. We're shortening Luke's nap too.