Shab-e Ma_araj

I have no idea

@Leo Gura Do you recommend that I end this relationship then? And then what? Be celibate and focus on meditation? Or balance meditation with the life of a normal single male? Or go back to chasing women with reckless abandon but try to work on consciousness-related stuff too?

Thanks for the replies. Your solutions both make sense. But if I gave up worldly pursuits completely (or as much as possible), then i could meditate for hours and hours a day and have a higher chance of realizing Truth But on the other hand if I learn to always be meditating no matter what I'm doing then that would work too. It's just so difficult

So for two years I was doing nothing but devoting myself to chasing women and improving my looks as much as possible. And I was really awesome at this life. So awesome that I became a bit of an internet sensation of sorts in a small red-pill sphere that I wont name. Thats how I met my current girlfriend. After discovering Actualized.org I quit chasing women and settled down with my favorite main girl and started devoting myself to attaining Ultimate Truth, Peace and Eternal Happiness. But then my girlfriend, with her big doe eyes and sweet nature, tempted me back into the world of temporary states of affairs. Now I have almost entirely given up my spiritual pursuits in favor of building an awesome future with her. Which is nice but I just wonder what the hell Im doing sometimes. God or Worldly Affairs? And then on top of that, I have so so so many doubts about her and our relationship, which is a whole other topic. But long story short I have a ton of trust issues especially with her and I really miss sleeping with new girls and I feel like I could go back to that for a few years and have loads of fun and end up with a girl I am more sure about. But I wonder if I could possibly even meet somebody I love as much as this girl. And I wonder if I can handle another few years of exciting but unfulfilling loneliness and constant effort to maintain such a lifestyle. So long story short: Girlfriend? Random women? Or God/Enlightenment? Because, while accomplishment is nice, I don't see why chasing any sort of temporary state of affairs makes sense

Some peoples bodies have been known to vanish without a trace (sometimes with a blaze of light) upon enlightenment. Perhaps the world and its societies will do the same upon a cosmic enlightenment. Other people have been known to become teachers, ascetics, wanderers, recluses, regular everyday people, married with kids, etc. Many say there are different stages of enlightenment. Perhaps in the beginning stages of societies enlightenment there will be great peace movements, unity, efforts to save the environment, etc. And then in the later stages of a societal enlightenment there will be a complete abandonment of all greed, money, ownership, un-necessary work... Just a utopian-like society where everything is shared, no violence, etc Maybe that will be the "Heaven on Earth" that Jesus was talking about being established Just guesses

Today has been another milestone for me. I recognize that keeping track of my "progress" is yet another roadblock, as the true self is not a new state to be reached. That's why I only update this log after big milestones, eventually I should stop all together But today I was able to maintain a low-level state of self-awareness for a full 14-hour day of wakefulness and also avoid junk food and sex/masturbation which have been my two biggest recent samsara wounds to scratch. What I mean is that I was able to constantly bring myself back to the self/or back to the present moment throughout the day (albeit not very strongly the whole day). But this did culminate in a trance-like state of attenuated mind and intense happiness/peace that lasted for about 10-20 minutes in the evening while meditating in my dads hot tub. It felt as though nirvikalpa samadhi was not far off. Even though I am not able to maintain that state for long, I can see that my hard-fought efforts are bringing me closer to the permanent habit of being in that state. I also cleaned up the whole garage. It looked so good I really wanted to tell Shody about it but I resisted the urge to reach out to her because I know that she is not good for me as it currently stands. Hopefully soon I will have a permanent imperturbable peace that will allow me to enjoy her company fully. I found out about enlightenment 7.5 months ago. I started pursuing it wholeheartedly 5.5 months ago. So far I have had 2 small out-of-body experiences (one of them lasting a couple minutes, the other a couple seconds). I have had 2 lucid dreams (one clear as day, the other not so much) and I have had one experience of going into sleep with awareness and feeling my body begin to melt away but then I woke up. I have eliminated the urge to watch netflix, listen to music or keep up with sports. Eliminating these samsara wounds should help me merge with reality instead of scratching them to avoid it. And now I am at the point where I can continuously bring myself back to the present moment throughout the day. One of the cool things about today is that I now see that I can just be aware of the distraction/monkey-mind moments instead of freaking out about them. Now I just need to up the intensity. And knock out junk food and sex. The lack of discipline seems to be a big factor in my inability to resist the wandering mind. Ok enough talking about the false self and its "progress"

I see what you're saying bud. I have a lot of attachments. But on the other hand, I have been known to make extremely fast progress in all my worldly pursuits. Hopefully it will be the same with the spiritual/enlightenment stuff

I found this to be very insightful. Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I'm going to re-read this and contemplate it some more

I haven't been able to log in for a long time. But I've still been making progress with the awareness work. I'm up to the point where I can maintain sustained awareness for about 10.75 hours of total waking time in a day. Although it's not the most intense but that should come in due course. And like always it's still 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards. Addiction to netflix, music, and sports is just about over with. Addiction to sex, masturbation, and junk food is still quite strong. And I hate what I have become since giving up the gym, getting laid and my meticulous grooming habits. I feel like a lame little weakling these days but I know I have bigger fish to fry (so to speak) than keeping up with these ephemeral worldly attachments. My garden is really benefiting all the extra time I have now too. And I also just got a part time job which has complicated things a bit

@ Henri - I don't understand what you mean @ everybody else - thanks for the replies

For the last two years I was getting laid just about every other day it seems like. I was dating 3-4 girls regularly just about all the time plus always bringing new girls home. And then I found out about enlightenment and dropped the whole chasing girls thing. Stopped going to the gym. Now I'm weak, physically. Stopped keeping up my appearance so much. Stopped chasing girls. Now I only get laid once a week at most with my ex girlfriend who I still hang out with and she could decide to stop having sex with me at any minute. I brought this upon myself willingly because I'm obsessed with liberation now. That's the kind of guy I am. I go all the way in with my obsessions, to the point where my friends and family get concerned about me. But the problem is, I seem to be addicted to masturbation now. I can't really go more than 12 hours (24 at the most) without it. With extreme effort I can go 3-4 days, but it's torture and I sit there and play with myself right to the brink. That might be the problem but that's also part of the addiction. I hope to be liberated/enlightened/self-realized soon, or at least have a greatly diminished ego/mind very soon, and then these impulses and/or concerns probably won't arise. But for now, do any of you guys or gals who are enlightened or have had legit enlightenment or ego-death experiences think this is an impediment to my progress? Or should I just go ahead and try not to masturbate but not beat myself up if that doesn't go well and just continue my spiritual work? Also, if you guys have real tips on how to quit this weak-minded habit that would be awesome! Thanks Edit = it might be worth mentioning that I might have an unhealthy obsession with my ex-girlfriend. Alot of the times when I'm masturbating, I'm thinking about her having sex with other guys. See when I was going full force into the whole getting laid thing, she was like my main girl and she was seeing other people too which she was allowed to of course, but for some reason it tore me up inside like crazy. I guess I loved her. So then we got together officially and I just couldn't trust her because I knew what she used to do and because she was kind of a socialite whereas I'm actually a homebody. So now we are just friends with occasional benefits and I don't know if I can handle it. Jealous thoughts about her and other guys dominate my mind and when I'm masturbating I'm usually thinking about her getting nailed by some douchebag. And then I feel like a lame cuckold. Sometimes I wonder if I should even be around her until I get over these emotional problems. But maybe that's another topic. Or maybe not. Idk

Another lucid dream, although not as strong as the first one. A sign of strengthened awareness none the less. Alright today is the second to last day to get this one-pointedness of mind down and then tomorrow is D-day Starting... Right... Now

Today some cool things happened. In a way it was a milestone day. Because I was able to achieve strength of awareness and a lack of a sense of doership throughout the majority of the 1.5 hours that I was pulling up dandelions on the driveway. By this I mean, while I was doing the weeding I was not caught up in the actions and identified with them like usual, rather they were taking care of themselves and I was watching the thoughts. This was a breakthrough. But I still have mountains to climb. I understand that this is the wrong way to think but it is what it is. That's why I limit my posts on this forum, so as to avoid creating a strong false-sense-of-self. Another big break-through achievement I have noticed is that I am able to maintain strong awareness throughout my time inside the house and during my house chores, so long as I am not researching things on the internet or reading (these things break my self-awareness readily). Driving in the car and walking to school were conquered months ago during the semester. Now I just need to put the pieces together and work more on the sense of doership and maintaining awareness during researching/reading. I still meditate between 1 and 5 hours daily on top of the informal awareness work. Another big challenge for me is maintaining awareness while at the grocery store (because the grocery store contains three big distractions for me: women, food and information processing... and so far maintaining self-awareness at the grocery store has been impossible because of these distractions). If I can break the grocery store and the researching and finish breaking the outside chores then I should be able to maintain relatively sustained awareness throughout an entire 12 hour period (1 day) and in effect I will be de facto meditating for 12 hours everyday without a sense of doership or personal choice. In fact, this is my goal to achieve within the next two days. I have set the goal to be able to maintain sustained awareness throughout the 12 hour day by Friday. Because, on Saturday I am going to my best friend's wedding and a while ago I decided that I must be well-established in one-pointedness of mind before going to the wedding. I want to be fully enlightened by July when I go on my beach vacation with my family and friends. Big time goals, I know. But yeah, anyway, tomorrow and Friday need to be really good which is why I am writing it here... so as to keep myself accountable In other news, my ex and I have resumed friendship but we are not getting back together. We hang out about once a week. And we usually end up having sex by the end of the night even though we are both trying to avoid giving in to this type of temptation. I still have a lot of negative thoughts and emotions regarding her. But I also love her very much. I want to get to the point soon where I have unconditional love for all of God's manifestations without regard for what they can bring to me and without any negative by-product feelings. And school is over for the rest of Summer and I have just now started looking for a summer job to hold me over until next semester Chao

The jury is still out on this one for me, I'm 26. I've slept with about 75 girls. 50 of them came in 2015 because I've literally spent the last two years chasing sex with a relentless fervor. Many of the girls were very attractive. Many were not so much. Growing up I was a total loser, that's probably why I was chasing sex (validation) so hard recently. Now I am celibate and also trying to limit masturbation. It's not that I think sex is bad, it's just that I view CHASING sex or relationships (and putting so much effort into my looks so as to attract women) as big time distractions on my path to enlightenment. Also, I don't want to be dishonest with girls anymore like I used to be. So I will only have sex now if it comes effortlessly and honestly. I'll let you all know how it works out for me

I've slept with quite a few hot girls from going out alone (day and night). But it took alot of effort to get to that point of ability. Honestly, it's extremely exciting in the moment and a big ego boost afterwards but shortly it ends up being not fulfilling at all and way too much effort. In the whole two years I was picking up chicks I only met one who I liked seriously and who also liked me seriously and it didn't work out between us. I dont want to tell people what to do, but I think it would be better to focus on spirituality and let the universe put a girl in your life who suits you if God wills it. If not, then it doesn't matter. It's all temporary anyway. Focus on finding that one thing that isn't temporary (enlightenment). But honestly I understand how important girls and sex are to somebody who hasn't filled their cup yet in that area. I was there just two years ago. So I understand