DoubleYou

You're focussing on all the negatives. It's gonna be a lot of fun actually. You'll see Honestly though, if it were me doing my first trip, I'd probably just use this trip to get get comfortable with the thing. Enjoy it. And then return for a second trip to dive deep with meditation/inquiry. But you'll know what to do when it happens.

That reminds me of my first 'bad' trip, back when I was young. Saucerful of Secrets by Pink Floyd was playing, which is like a 12 minute piece of random frightening noises. Completely fucked me up, and I didn't even think of the possibility of putting on a different song, weirdly enough. But yeah, I can see how the Wall could do that. It's not a positive story I guess.

I've been meditating with this one for years. Although I do both, I still prefer it over silence.

Interesting. Last week I saw a techno DJ, and all I could think of was how beautifully the music guided me into the present moment. It was quite unexpected but I did feel a lot of love. I never really liked techno music, but this time it really clicked.

I actually enjoyed it today. That was unexpected.

This is the first thing you'll notice during an awakening, and it's going to make you laugh out loud. Words can be confusing though. If enlightenment means a permanent waking up from ego, then you can definitely lose it again. Still, when you've seen it, you'll know that it's only the ego that loses it, and if ego isn't real to begin with (which you've just realised), how can you not be enlightened anymore? It's kind of a mind-fuck, literally. When I saw it, I was convinced it would stay forever, because from the point of view of Awareness, there is nothing that can be lost. Still, ego takes back control. But you have to understand that from the point of view of Awareness, ego is also a part of itself, so it can't really take back control at all. That's what you are already enlightened means. Everything has always been seen from this point of view of Awareness. Ego just convinces itself that that's not the case.

If your already on this forum, interested in consciousness work, I don't think it's possible to simply neglect it and go work on a life purpose instead. It will find it's way into your life naturally because there's already an interest there. I personally wouldn't focus too much on having to make a choice between the too. Pursue your life purpose consciously. That way, you're open to whatever crosses your path. Planning ahead 15 years in advance doesn't mean a thing if Awareness decides to awaken spontaneously one day. You'll want to go with that then. Try to get in touch with your intuition. It knows what's best now. Follow that.

@Gabriel Antonio So I tried it twice now. And especially in the morning after I wake up I'm having a hard time with it. Which is a good thing. It's fun to face these agitations head on. It's like you force yourself through this wall that otherwise would have been there all day long. My only problem is that after taking a cold shower my whole body starts to itch like crazy! Is this normal when you start out? I never have this with a regular shower. Hope that goes away, cause it's rather annoying. Will try it daily for one month and then I'll decide if I go on with this. For now, so far so good!

@Alexo45 What triggered it? As in, at what moment did it 'start'? Were you meditating, or did it spontaneously happen out of nowhere? Sounds good though. Enjoy

Good question. I've recently realised I do not want it. Yet there's always this fascination. I only work from that, which is truth wanting to show itself. So It doesn't really matter what I want. Seriously though. Ever since I decided to not give a shit about enlightenment anymore, my practices have gone through the roof. I'm happy the way it is right now, so what exactly is it that I'm chasing anyway? Let it play itself out. There's a natural pull towards truth, and you can choose to sabotage that or not. Either way it's fine by me. The funny thing is. If you say you want enlightenment, you're instantly rejecting it. What is it that wants it? Why does it want it? Before you truly realise you really do not want it, and fully understand why, you won't see it.

I have a lot of pains and tensions in the body and for me a warm shower is one of the best ways to relax and release those. I spend like 40 minutes or so in the shower. I treat it like a full body massage. So I don't know if this is for me. Talk me out of it though. I'm open to the idea.

@electroBeam Well, are you, or are you not aware right now? If your answer is yes, it seems like something is able to locate this awareness. Otherwise, the answer would have been no, right? So there it is, you do see it. You don't have to search for anything. It's already here, everywhere, simply being aware.

@Dodo Hang in there, man. <3 By not wanting to drop itself. It's only the ego that wants to get rid of ego. Maybe it's time to just give up and let ego win. Let it be what it is. That's what awareness has been doing all along. Be that. Maybe this is not the time to contemplate on the subtle ways of the ego. It's easy to get caught in that never-ending loop. Always trying to figure it out. Always trying to fix it. It's ego's biggest trick. Just give up and be that weird guy ego doesn't want you to be. See what that does for you. @Edvard Made me think of this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bImdyQn43s8&

@Kazman Thanks for sharing. That was a great read. The silliness of seeing it is something that really fascinates me. That's really all there is to it. Funny how those simple words can mean so much when you actually realise it. And then when you 'lose' it, they just end up being silly words again. I think that's beautiful, and at the same time, the biggest joke there is.

I've had glimpses before. But they were mostly like five seconds at most. This was the real deal. This Saturday evening I decided to go to the beach by train (which is like one stop away from me), smoke a joint, take a walk and do some inquiry, or even just to relax a bit. Whatever, I had nothing big planned at all. I do this almost every other week but this time things were different. What I noticed is that an unusual amount of fear surfaced. It was a warm day so there were still lots of people around which triggered some fears in me. It felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me... You know the usual, which I thought I had resolved already. Not at all. It became so intense and my ego started fighting it more and more. I had not expected this so after awhile I decided to turn around to return to my train and get home. By this time the fears had grown into thoughts of going insane, of fainting, of losing control. So I started to walk faster and faster until I reached my train. I sat down, totally panicked, but I'm pretty good with keeping these things to myself so I don't think anyone could really notice. Maybe because I was sitting comfortably that I was able to face these fears now. But I looked at these feelings and found out what they were. It occurred to me that they were like waterbubbles trying to pull you away from the water. I don't know why this is the analogy I went with, but that's exactly what it felt like. Remember I smoked a joint, so things got very conceptual. Anyways, fears kept rising up but I wasn't really afraid of them anymore. I saw that they were made of this same 'water.' Which made it all very clear to me. And then it happened. The last thought I remember that arose before it happened was 'I AM ALL OF IT!' Boom, awakening... I don't know why it happened at this moment. But it just happened. I saw reality. And it felt like I've seen it a million times before. It was there for all of my life. I saw a train moving and there were some people in it. I was in it. Sounds were literally just sounds. Utterly complex sounds but just sounds nonetheless. It was so serene and empty. Words aren't able to describe it but it's literally just 'life happening'. That's the reason why it's so familiar. Cause that's what it has always done. It's also a lot more 'normal' than I had imagined it to be. Then for a moment, thought would interfere and I got scared shitless. I decided to return to the egoic state... Which is pretty insane to think about. I literally created a new fear so I had something to hold on to. But no, this awakening had to happen today. And so it returned. And this is when the awakening became permanent. At least for the next seven hours. My train had reached it's destination and I got out. Huge smile on my face. No thought. Just walking. Walking towards my home. (I live very close to the trainstation.) Then thought returned, going completely bonkers about the amazing thing 'it's' experiencing, but this time they were no longer mine. I witnessed them. Even the identification I still had with thought, was witnessed. So it was all good. And the first thing I noticed, is whatever thought arose, a feeling came with it. And this feeling INSTANTLY healed as I looked at it. And this was the great miracle. Everything I witnessed, healed. Now I'm not sure if this includes the external world (as it all felt as one), but at least all feelings, all thought, all ego was healed if only I would take the time to simply look at them. Awareness truly is curative! In the most literal sense. It made me really understand why Awareness is referred to as God. Back home, I started to investigate what was happening. The recurring thoughts were; 'It was already so. It was already so. My god, it was already so.' I started to write in my journal. All very short sentences, kind of like riddles. It's in dutch, but I might translate it one day and share it with you because some beautiful words were written, if I say so myself. One of the biggest insights I had was finally understanding the 'hidden in plain sight' part of spirituality. And when I did, I laughed out loud. It basically comes down to the following question: Do you see reality? Yes Well, that's it. Reality is it. Everyone would answer yes to this question right? That 'yes', is enlightenment. Because it has always been yes. Awakening is merely realising that. Really, read that again. It's so simple and dumb yet it points to the ultimate truth. It's just an oversight. The seeing of reality, is the thing you are looking for. But you were already doing that! Of course you are. From the awakened point of view it's all so damn simple. You just witness reality. No further questions. And then you realise, that even though there's nothing there. There is life. OH MY GOD, THERE IS LIFE. Do you see why it's such a miracle? There shouldn't be life, because there's nothing there. Yet there is life all the same. Haha, it's so hard to explain this. But I completely lost it, when I realised that. And then at one point, ego panicked. And this was a profound moment. Because I was no longer identified with it. So it wasn't me that was panicking. If someone would have walked in at that moment they would've thought I was depressed or gone insane. And 'I' was. But behind it all, there was laughter and peace. Ego was thinking 'I want to go back,' 'what would my friends think of me like this,' 'what if this is forever? 'I'll never be able to function properly again.' And so on, and so on. It was just patterns playing itself out. And as said, every thought came with a feeling that was being felt completely and therefor it healed. After a couple of hours, more and more the thought; 'Do I still have it?' came up. It was quite the paradox since from Awareness' point of view, there is nothing to lose. So the funny thing was, I was completely convinced this would never leave me again. I was enlightened. And then sleep came. And I wasn't. It was ego waking up Identified as it's little self again. Which is fine. This entire experience was a complete shift in paradigm all the same. I don't feel different at all. But now I know. Now I know there's nothing to search for. It is already so. Even now that I'm identified with the separate self again, there is this knowing. A trust. Trust that whatever arises, is seen by 'that'. Even now. The next couple of days, there was a lot of energy released in my body. It was everything that was looked at during the awakening. It was that powerful. Kundalini I guess? I don't know a lot about that, so I'm mostly guessing. Doesn't really matter too much anyway. Looking back at this, there were a couple of things that really stood out to me. First of all. No bliss. Not at all. Absolute peace, yes. But no bliss. And the funny thing is, back then, I couldn't care less. When I say peace. It doesn't mean peace in the positive sense of the word. It just means nothingness, emptiness. From ego's point of view, it's quite a 'cold' peace. That's why ego doesn't really like it. It's so empty, it has no qualities. The other thing that stood out was how much of a role ego still plays even when realised. That really took me by surprise, I always had this idea of a full awakening from ego. Which you do, but at the same time, it doesn't mean it disappears even in the slightest. Even addictions were still there. I guess that's the reason it didn't stay permanently. There is just too much of a pull from ego. I didn't care at the moment, but after seven hours or so, it succeeded. (Or so, it thinks ) So, yeah. I guess that's a real lesson for anyone here. Be prepared for that! I wasn't. You don't want this. It's the only reason you don't have it. You don't really want it. That's a hard pill to swallow. But it's true. It's worth it all the same though. My god, the fear! There's so much fear! It really showed me how much work there is still to be done. The good news though, I now know awareness heals. Not by believing it. But by having witnessed it myself. This is the shift. It's like this awakening has showed me the disease and the cure simultaneously. Really profound. Isn't it amazing that my first proper awakening happened in a train that dropped me off at the 'next' stop. And that next stop turned out to be home. I try not to attach too much value onto symbolism like that, but man... It's beautiful, isn't it? Thanks for reading this. English isn't my first language so I hope it's easy to read! I wasn't planning to share this, but here we are. So much words, and I'm not even a talker. An introvert even. Go figure. Feels like I can talk about this forever!

Yeah, it's interesting. That's what usually happens to me too. But this time even when ego tried to hold on to an illusory 'I', it was still being seen as not true. It kept on rambling from an I perspective, but all of it was witnessed all the same.

It seems like your idea of what a proper meditation should be like is hindering you in doing a 'proper' meditation. I would advice starting with the 'do nothing' meditation. Start for 20 minutes and let all those painful, uncomfortable sensations be exactly like they are. Even the thoughts that say you don't know how to meditate. Become aware of them and let them be exactly as they are. The only thing you have to 'do' is stay alert. And when you catch yourself dozing off into thoughts, just become alert again. There is no failing here. Whenever you feel like you're failing the meditation, just become aware of that and continue. This process of noticing whenever you go unconscious again IS the meditation process. It's something you have to train. Hope that helps.

That was really powerful. What I've noticed is that every time he stated a part of myself to accept, it started with a visualisation/thought and each time it ended in complete silence. As if the thoughts melted into acceptance again and again. It's a beautiful summary of the spiritual process. First there's ego. You try to work on that ego with even more ego, through the thinking mind. Eventually you reach a point of the acceptance of ego which then dissolves it. The more you accept, the more it dissolves and true love remains. Acceptance is what you are. So silence itself is already enough.

What's the difference between regular Yoga and Kundalini Yoga?

I wouldn't tell him that much. Just a thank you. Thanks for all the suffering. It's what made me who I am today.

I've had some insane bad trips in the past which led me into a year long psychosis. Life was hell. The worst part was that I was convinced it would stay for the rest of my life. I thought I completely ruined my life forever. I mean, I wasn't crazy. Just utterly depressed and completely caught up in the weird shit my mind was projecting on to the world. Sometimes I even hallucinated even when I wasn't on psychedelics. And then of course it all had some kind of 'meaning' or was trying to tell me shit. Honestly though, if it weren't for that year, I would have never started self-actualising. Something had to change. I guess I encountered the exact opposite of an ego death in those trips. I was literally consumed by ego, and I didn't even know. Not to scare people off psychedelics, they're great. Compared to others, I'm quite an exception, in that I'm really sensitive to this stuff. To be fair, these problems never came from the psychedelics but from the depths of my own mind. I guess it was the best way of surfacing some of that shit. That's the single best thing psychedelics have to offer. Your conceptual stories are played out right in front of you, and it makes it all very clear to see. What I'm trying to say, I knew nothing of ego, nothing of actualising. I was young, naive and just wanted to have some fun. If you are even slightly familiar with the concept of ego and self actualising, these things won't overwhelm you as much as they did for me, as you'll be able to see it for what it is. Those trips were literally a reflection of my ignorant self, believing everything my mind was showing me. I'm thinking of trying some shrooms again this year. It feels like I have some unfinished business. Facing that which I couldn't before. I'll be sure to post a report.

When I smoke weed and meditate I seem to be able to concentrate a lot more. It's like it amplifies the ego so much that it becomes really easy to be aware of it. Some great insights happened while high on weed. That said, I'm really sensitive to any kind of drug. I always need like 1/4th of a portion to get the same results as some of my friends. It's really weird but it made me have some insane psychedelic experiences without even having had that much. Wonder what that could be.

@Shin I disagree Masturbation without imagination is the best kind there is. It's like meditating except every feeling is very intense and intimate. It can be used to release feelings stuck in the body very easily too.

This. Also check out the latest video from Leo. Try to integrate a lot of these things into your life. It'll transform you. I promise. Sounds like you need a fresh start dude, and the first step will have to be you accepting your current situation. It's the only way forward.

Balancing between the need to improve versus the acceptance of who you are is a tricky thing to get right. The way I see it, this body is completely self-sustainable. So in a way, accepting it's qualities IS in fact the 'act' of improving oneself. Just not the way you thought it was going to be. Letting go of an ego is not a thing you do. It's not an improvement on your self. It's literally just raising awareness of that which is based on a lie. In other words, allowing the self to be exactly what it is, is in fact what will make it thrive. Don't mistake this for allowing the ego to be what it is, because ego itself IS non-acceptance. You merely have to become aware of it so that it's destructive patterns become that obvious to you that you'll drop it in an instant. It's like cleaning up a dirty old rock only to discover there was a diamond underneath it all this time. There was nothing to improve, it was already there. And now it can shine.