Misato Katsuragi

Oh hello everybody I wanted to write this post to share an update, for those who don't know basically about 60 days ago I went to a mental hospital as I contemplated epistemology and realized all my beliefs about reality were assumptions and came into the contact with the void, and realized I actually dont know anything or at least the solidness of reality came from me believing it was fact when in reality those facts were just mental constructs I made to navigate life better. I didn't do any drugs and have never done psychedelics but have been watching Leo's stuff for like 10 years, and like something in my brain just clicked after thinking about epistemology super hard, and like my bubble of what reality was felt like it popped. I went to a mental hospital for one day as I thought I was developing schizophrenia, and didn't know it was DPDR at the time. I became aware of how I was constructing reality in a way that made sense to me, and was the most frightening experience I ever felt. As the most solid facts about life suddenly became shaky, and uncertain. what I wanted to say though is that i'm doing better by this point, as i'm used to when the DPDR kicks in. and I hope to live a good life, I still get really horrible existential dread and I wonder like what the point in living is time to time which frightens me, as i'm concerned i'm going to lose common sense, and not live out my human existence cause I realize in the absolute sense like it doesn't really matter. But I have OCD so those fears are more based on anxiety rather then me actually want to act on them. I honestly could experience a deeper level of awakening, where I become god, and fully embody infinity and the distinction between everything collapses. But in the relative practical sense, I don't think it's right for me, as I just had my reality shifted a little bit and scared the crap out of me, I really couldn't imagine going into that territory of consciousness at least for a long ass time. Either way I still feel like reality is shaky and unknowable, which frightens me because I realized how much i've been bullshitting myself thinking I know what actually reality is, like the truth bro I have no idea what anything is, like i've just been pretending that I do, so i'm not in a void of wtf all the time. So I experience that time to time the void, but overall I'm fine. I feel like i'm really close to experiencing all the joyful and cool stuff, but I really just don't want to push it.

@OBEler you just need to have crazy open mindedness l that you don't truly know anything, like I was at point where technically I wasn't sure if gravity existed, like that didnt mean I wasn't stupid and like tried flying but the whole concept of gravity I was open minded that it's possible it may not be true despite me seeing it work literally right in front of me. As I deconstructed what knowing anything truly meant to me, and thus everything became the void and all I was left was with IDK for everything around me, and I embodied that realization and got dpdr.

@Starlight321 they call dpdr enlightenments evil twin, and dont worry ill do whatever I can to stay grounded so im going to try to keep myself distracted for a little bit while I truly sort things. But yeah imo DPDR is just enlightenment but you dont fully let go and let anxiety take over you. if you approach it with holy shit reality is beautiful then its enlightenment, but if you treat it with fear then you get what happened to me.

@Staples yeah I think honestly like im just gonna try to forget about this shit honestly for a while, the more I dive deep into existential questions and realizations the more I tend to spiral. so im just gonna take it a few steps back it wasnt my intention to get here but I just kinda burst my bubble of what normal reality is unexpectedly from contemplating epistemology and studying how we know anything, ultimately to realize that all my beliefs were just assumptions and I didn't actually know what anything was at the deepest level

@VeganAwake yeah I realize that like the you character was just something I made up so I could navigate life better but in reality I have no idea what I am really at the most fundamental level. sadly I didn't get to experience god, I just became literally nothing.

@PurpleTree it may feel like im not real or I dont know who I am, and everything around me is just nothing but its alright lol. im used to these feelings

@Staples I thank you for the feedback like, yeah I've noticed that the DPDR always hits when i'm really grappling with these intense existential insights, I never knew like just thoughts and realizations could like literally melt your mind like this. and don't worry I mean enlightenment isn't something i'm pursuing, I just kinda like had a brief instance of satori or whatever you want to call it accidentally, as like I began thinking about stuff and then like it just hit me like a truck and it felt like I stepped on a landmine. before this I was just a guy who studied this for fun. I came here though as I knew this was a place that could potentially help me with advice.

@Osaid yeah was thinking about that earlier about nihilism. like if you view the world as meaningless isn't that a meaning in of itself. so I do think all these fears is just me projecting like fears on whats happening to me like going crazy, rather then me being at actual risk. either way I could try meditation or something, tbh ive done lot more dismantling my beliefs and intense questioning rather then that so it may help.

@Leo Gura I appreciate it at certain times for very brief periods, i've experienced some instances where i'm like wow reality is a magical beautiful thing so I'll try to see it that way more. and sit with it more. What DPDR feels like, is like kinda similar to intense edible trips I had many years ago, it feels like all of reality is this thing you've never seen before despite you know cognitively what it is. like you can look at your brother and he looks exactly the same as he always does but now he looks like some creature you've never seen before, not because your hallucinating him looking any different, but what happens is its like my brain has reset all of its usual filters/beliefs about reality is so like my first time seeing a person and reality itself again, as they were reverted to null or something. In this state reality feels like so alien to you, it feels like your in a different reality or some planet from how differently your perceiving reality, and meanwhile also your sense of what you are is completely shattered, and you aren't even a person or an animal you are just something with consciousness, thats can like talk and reason but you have no real certainty on what you actually are. You can still talk to people and are able to say what your name is technically but, but what that is to you is basically nothing This only happens like in the most extreme states, like imagine thats 10 and most days I feel like a 1 or 3 constantly. it feels extremely psychedelic reminds me of really bad edible trips I had several years ago at the high end. And, ill feel a lot of meaninglessness sometimes, sometimes its the most horrifying existential dread randomly without clear cause, or like it feels like something awful happened in my life and its the end despite nothing happening, ton of emotions coming out of me as well. I think its just terrifying as you normal concept of what life is gets thrown out the window and your just left with, wtf is consciousness, wtf is comprehension, wtf is vision, and wtf is anything. i'm not sure if I explained it right but thats sort of kinda how I feel, i'm left in like a void where my feeling of certainty is erased for everything.

hello everyone I wanted to write message as just a warning, I know that Leo has made videos talking about the dangers of spiritual work, and I just wanted to share my experience here. This is not demoralize anyone who seeks the spiritual path, but I think it's important to realize how dangerous this stuff is. Now to update everyone I did not intend to reach enlightenment, I did not use any form of psychedelic drugs to get to the point of where I am at now, this all happened by accident when something clicked in my brain suddenly and I started thinking about epistemology, and questioned it to its absolute max out of just fun curiosity and it made me have an existential crisis and all my beliefs about reality just crumpled when I realized I didn't actually know anything for sure. Ever since then I have been unable to sleep, without waking up feeling intense dissociation. I usually have to wait till my mind calms down before trying to sleep again. Basically though, you need certainty on your beliefs to function as a human being, ever since those were shaken and destabilized, I've been trying to deal with the fear, and ill be honest I don't think I was ready for it. What I experienced was terrifying it felt like I aware free will didn't exist, and most basic things suddenly became uncertain. On the flipside I let go of all my fear, and I didn't eat for 3 days I had to force myself out of logical reasoning, but I was so uninterested in eating that I only managed to eat a hamburger in, but it felt like a chore because I was so at peace everything. it felt like I could stick a knife in my arm feel no pain. But I then became fearful as I realized it felt like my whole world was dissolving. And I began to lose confidence that I could comprehend the most basic concept's like whats red vs blue, whats right and left, and it felt like I was going insane. I recognized this was unhealthy so I had to convince myself to come back to normal consciousness. Either way to stabilize myself I decided to go to a hospital which didnt help for me personally as the workers treated me like I was schizophrenic and I couldn't sleep. So I left it's been 5 weeks and I am slowly getting better despite me having disassociation everyday. I do not want to see anymore of this stuff, I didn't intend to get here but yeah be careful everyone, im going to try and get better. I should note that prior to this I was diagnosed with OCD in my childhood, and had OCD like tendencies related to my health, it feels like everyday i'm tripping on acid, when I think focus my awareness on my consciousness and whats actually happening. and its hard to stop because I have always struggled with having intrusive thoughts, before this I struggled with thinking that I had like heart problems and I was going to have a heart attack even though I was completely fine. I've gotten over the fear of developing schizophrenia of other like illnesses, when this shit was happening I was obsessive ruminating that pretty soon I wasn't going to be tethered to everyday mundane reality at all and I was going to develop some form of psychotic disorder and become delusional. but my anxiety has gotten better, as its been 5 weeks and I've never lost my ability to reason completely or started believing wild shit like I had to cut my ear off to appease aliens that were going to destroy earth. So I feel some relief at least compared to when this all started.

@Majed i wanted to comment and commend you on your decision if you go through with it like I don't think its for everyone. and honestly it can have disastrous consequences, and fuck you up mentally the last 2 posts I made where just on how I was suffering some pretty bad side effects from it. Do ultimately whatever makes you happy.

@TruthFreedom what do you mean by this?

@Nivsch not really this if you mean like deep existential topics. is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me before, and thats why I was so reckless inquisting about the nature of reality when Leo talks about getting to alternate states of consciousness i've always assumed for your reality to break you or have a radical shift in consciousness you had to do some crazy intense meditating or do psychedelics. and I was just woefully unprepared for something to happen, but I guess it makes sense i've been a listener of his content by a decade this point, so all these ideas have really been digested by me and I think it all just clicked one day. But I did struggle with anxiety in the past though but over dumb shit, like worrying about catching diseases, or being afraid of having a heart attack despite me fine. this was a few years ago, and I don't worry about that stuff now. So I have had horrible anxiety tendencies before as I was diagnosed with OCD when I was a child. and I will after this whole experience I got a way better understanding how a person could get lost with this sort of stuff, i'm in no rush to gain enlightenment if i'm destabilized, honestly at this point I may want to close pandoras box permanently as it was so traumatic and i'm not sure if my mind is really suited for it with how anxiety prone It is. but yeah regardless of my decision ill venture with caution I appreciate the advice

@Infinite Tsukuyomi I thank you for the kind words and if I do want to bounce ideas off more I shall come here to talk. and yeah I have high hopes that ill restablize ive noticed the more fear I have towards it and the more deeply I think about it like the worst it gets. like I need to just stop temporarily the hyper analysis of my own consciousness and reality, so I can integrate it properly.

@Hojo yeah like TBH my way to deal with is that I just straight up ignore it and after I while I forget whatever thoughts im having. like its crazy how much my mind makes it worst. I could always come back to this, but like in this state like I need to like remember that im a human and who I am before before exploring more altered states of consciousness if its something I want to do. So I can get grounded again.

@emil1234 I will certaintly try like thank god im still able to reason and know right and wrong, I was terrified my ability to reason was going to go out the window the deeper I went into these states of uncertainty on reality, but i'm still here even if it feels like I saw something I shouldn't have.

@PurpleTree I think it could be likely especially when its done out of meditation and existential contemplation rather then trauma which there really was no traumatic event that could trigger this for me. IMO my theory is that DPDR and the fear/panic that comes from it is just when you enter a state of awareness, that you weren't prepared for and instead of it being liberating and freeing its terrifying as you realize everything you ever knew wasn't necessarily true. IDK though but theres a great YT video on it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA&t=203s

@Hojo it is indeed terrifying whatever it is. it feels like my whole sense of reality previously was a lie

@JosephKnecht I will try to ground myself with that, that was said by Rene Descartes right. But at the same time like i'm so openminded I feel like I can still doubt that, but ill just believe it for now so I don't like fall off the face of the earth. As far as child hood trauma not really I can think, I mean all this shit started once I just sat down and started dismantling my beliefs about reality and realized how it wasn't as solid as I thought it was. But I think it could be that I had a spiritual teacher I'm seeing mention that is what it probably is. OCD is something I had before all this, DPDR is a new thing im experiencing though, and I dont have a eating disorder really its just I entered a state so detached from reality that eating felt mechanical but luckily I got my appetite back. and yeah i'm seeing a couple of doctors, right now its way better then when I first started feeling all of this. so I think ill be fine I still weird AF though but I think ill manage

@Adrian colby not before, but but I honestly should. ill look into it

Hello everyone, I just wanted to say that I think I accidentally saw the truth of reality, which is that all my beliefs were just assumptions I made. and I became extremely conscious of this fact. I didn't do any drugs to get in this state and wasn't trying to get here more so just happened to accidentally fall into this hole after questioning the reason why I believed things. I also was able to see things like a newborn baby, and everything had no sense of construction and was able to see things without my mind determining what it was. Im personally not interested in seeing anymore right now, I know theres a lot more, but what I experienced was the most terrifying thing i've ever felt. I had panic attacks and I was not able to eat, drink or sleep for 2 days because I was so concerned with trying to stay grounded in reality. I do want some of my ego right back again so I can get grounded back into reality, like I want to feel the desire to eat, I want the desire to play video games. again it was not my intention to get here, I had seen all the videos of people freaking out and having traumatic experiences from psychedelic drugs but I didn't realize you could enter a state like this via just contemplating things deeply about how we know anything, and just being really open minded about stuff. But I became so conscious about how my mind determines everything, that like if a person insulted me or called me stupid I wouldn't care, and I wouldn't even care if I walked on glass or something because I was so conscious about how I determine what I feel. So now like I want to get offended at people when they insult me, just so like I can have an ego to navigate the world and I want to feel attachment and I don't want to be aware of what my mind is doing Im too conscious I don't want this as it freaks me out. i'm not ready for this. also this is so hard not to think about im not sure if time will make it go awaay as I keep thinking about it unintentionally, I need to fall asleep in life

@Ishanga yeah I think that could work, I need to just like not think about it and those things do get me out of my own head as it kinda forces me to

@Hojo I appreciate it i'll try something like that.