Airendal

Your experience resonates deeply with my own, over the past decade I too have struggled deeply with dissociation (ended up being clinically diagnosed with DID). In my teens, engaging with this line of content (including Leo’s work) led to intense awakenings that I wasn’t prepared to integrate. It ended up frightening me in ways and I "ran", stopped engaging with the work, and as result developed serious dissociation issues and something akin to psychosis in later years. For me the solution to this was to pick the work back up, I had to relearn how to trust the machine of my body and mind, for it already contained all the insight and knowledge I needed to break free. In that my mind stopped being so cloudy, I no longer had disorganized and disjointed thoughts, and the clarity and emotional stability I experience now is baffling, if I didn't know better I'd say it too good to be true. For me it really was as Leo said above, in finding the beauty in it all, the love, that's what really began to rapidly dissolve the stuff inside of me that was holding things back causing unhealth. It's been a half a year since then and I believe I can say that my issues in this regard have been "fixed", my perspectives have fundamentally shifted, and I find it more and more effortless to engage in healthy habit as I feel such a deep love for myself and the world. Maybe this will be inspiring to you, albeit I of course cannot promise it is the same for you, you will have to figure that out for yourself. Best of luck.

I had a very interesting experience this week in looking back at old teachers I used to read religiously a decade ago in my naive pursuit of enlightenment as one does at one point or another. Now I found it to be a lot more of an intimately emotional experience rather than the intellectual engagement it had been prior. I found it more akin to musing with parts of myself rather than reading someone else's words, in that I found a deep amount of love that I had not noticed prior when I was still clinging to seeking for answers as "outside" of myself. I felt there was a lot of pain in this love, for what drives someone to dedicate their lives to produce teachings? Is it not out of love for mankind? In wish to bring others into the state of pure authenticity and love they've found themselves in. In this I no longer feel lonely at all in this work, for we are surrounded by kindred souls from across time who sought and found and felt, similar to what we are now. Now I too am now finding myself in this loving pain and it is quite humbling. I realize there is next to nothing I can do to awaken my next of kin. Yet at the same time, in seeing the barriers between myself and all these people before me melt away, I find that I am without doubt in result of their work. Their contributions to mankind regardless of their mistaken notions has added to the collective evolution of human consciousness, and in that I find a strong drive to participate in this work, as it may lead to future "mes" finding this too. Personally I've been finding this really quite beautiful. What do you all think? Have you had any interesting experiences in revisiting material post-awakening?

Yes you are correct they are separate things, I did not consider this but it makes sense with how I've been experiencing things as of late. I don't think I am all that there yet, but something has definitely changed in the last few months to make me deeply at peace and I find myself meeting things in a perspective fresh to me. It is not high or stoned as you say, yet still more potent and simultaneously clear-headed. I hope myself to not get lost in this as more growth is needed. You have given me things to consider, in that I appreciate your perspective here. Thank you.

@Ishanga Yeah, I think you are definitely correct in that. What's pushed me towards spirituality was never my pain, rather the isolation from spending a lot of time alone rather than going to school and the self-study I required from that. The experience of being in pain for the majority of my life has still been immensely valuable for that though, and I don't think I'd have been as strongly motivated to stay in this pursuit without it. But it remains true that many in pain do not do that at all. Something I'm curious about is whether the hypersensitive nervous systems that develops from chronic pain also opens up to the possibility to experience blissful feelings more potently as well. At times there definitely appears to have been a switch that flicks the pain into pleasure, although it's only ever been a randomly triggered experience to me.

I have been in a state of never-ending pain since age 11, while it's incredibly debilitating, at this point in my life I think it has offered me a lot, it has taken a lot to get to this point but the level of happiness I live in while having my condition entirely untreated feels almost unreasonable. I wouldn't say this is a common thing, but it has also been the only path possible for me to have a good life. The pain I continue to be in has cleansed me and has turned into a deep source of strength, I strongly believe that people in such pain as I can use it as a tool for spiritual work. But I'm not ignorant to the fact that I am likely lucky in this regard, just I also wouldn't describe it as premium biology to be born with a body genetically predisposed to intense suffering. Regardless, it is very possible to turn such pain into something good.